Babies and Social Media Security

missmcgonnagal

Came across this today (thanks Reddit).

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2019/01/03/my-daughter-asked-me-stop-writing-about-motherhood-heres-why-i-cant-do-that

Naturally the woman writing is off her rocker, but I hadn't thought about social media posting and baby pics as a FTM yet. Right now the baby doesn't care what I post of/about her but some day she will. As a former social media communications consultant (yes it's a real thing lol) I used to host classes about how you can never be 100% locked down and safe. Social media accounts can be hacked. People with access can take screenshots of a picture and send it places you never intended it to go, even with the best of intentions. And someday my kid might come up to me and ask me why I thought it was ok to share this cute/embarrassing picture of her with the world, where all the other shitty middle school kids can now see it.

At the same time, my kid is going to be a huge part of my life. I'm going to want to share pictures of her. Yet I don't want her to come to me, years down the road when she is aware of her own autonomy, and ask me why I shared so much of her when I'm so careful with sharing myself.

Right now hubs and I are talking about a rule that only pictures in which the baby is with other people can go onto the "public" internet. Grandma and kid taking a selfie; auntie and kid on a boat; family friend and kid watching a parade. Other pictures can be taken/saved/shared privately/hung on the wall but for some reason, to me, pictures of group activities seem less exploitative. I can't really articulate why.

Any other parents tackled this, or found other ways to deal with this? Would love to hear thoughts.

sleepy33

I post and have always posted lots of cute pics of my kid. I don't post embarrassing ones or scantily clad ones. I guess that's pretty much the only line I draw. 

knarlytaurus

I think a lot of it also depends on who you're friends with. My Facebook is much more of my professional circle, while Instagram is much more limited to friends. I could see sharing some pictures on IG but not on FB. I know others who request no pictures of their kids are shared outside of their IG circle, or only share pics on FB with closed groups or close family and friends. 

eatinwatermelonseeds

I post pictures of DS, but I'm not on Facebook anymore so it's not as frequently. I have posted a bath video, but it was a huge milestone. DS is terrified of water, and he was almost 2 and had never taken a bath outside of his bath seat. In the video he's standing in the bath and playing with the faucet water while I spray him with a little squirt gun and he kept getting super excited about it and laughing at me. You couldn't see anything, but it's the only time I've ever posted anything like that. To me, it was HUGE. I had to share it. I really feel like it'll be more like a photo album for him than anything. 

kvh22

Hmm I posted some monthly pics of DD on FB and instagram. The last picture I posted of her was on her 1st birthday in August, then some pictures in June and May. There's more on instagram which is set to private (as well as Facebook). Others have posted pictures of her, though. I'm not social media crazy so it's minimal anyways. I have one friend growing up who never posted pictures of her daughter's face. She would put smiley faces over it in group shots, etc.

mrskoz428

My sister is a private practice dentist in New York City. She almost never posted pictures of her DD on Facebook until after she was 1 year old. She had a TinyBeans account set up where she shared pictures and videos with just family and once in a blue moon, we’d see a picture of her on social media. Now that she’s one (22 months, but who’s counting), they post more frequently (not every week but definitely a few times a month). 

I, on the other hand, will be the obnoxious mom that will over share pictures of this LO. I am so excited to be a mom and want to share that excitement with all of my friends and family. Obviously, no naked pictures or anything like that. I’m an over-sharer in general though, so it would be unusual if I didn’t post pictures all the time.

jkduer

I’m not a huge social media person. I haven’t announced my pregnancy yet (some close friends don’t even know that live far away!). I know I’ll likely share a birth announcement but otherwise I think my kids photos will mostly live offline. A huge part of this also comes from my background with infertility. I hated going on social media and seeing babies and birth announcements when I was in treatments and so part of my “survivor guilt” (fingers crossed!) factors into this.

bumbly_b

@jkduer I've kept my pregnancy posts super limited because of the same reason. A lot of my friends on my fb I've met through our struggles with infertility. I couldn't be any happier to be pregnant but I do feel like I'm rubbing it in their faces when i post so I try to keep to a minimum. 

beccaneu

I'm not really into posting stuff on social media and don't plan on doing any sort of social media pregnancy announcement.  I may consider doing a birth announcement but I'm not sure.  I do like that it would allow me to share that information with everyone at once instead of having to text or email everyone individually, but on the other hand I'm sure most of the people following me on those accounts probably won't care 🤷‍♀️

alexva2017

I didn’t post about pregnancy or the birth of ds because of a good friend who was struggling with infertility.  However, as ds grew and we were going out more as a family, it was hard to avoid pictures.  So ds is in some pics, but I try to keep him in group photos- makes me feel better for some reason.

brie_and_almonds

I grapple with this too. I don't post pictures of my kids super often, but I do use FB to keep up with lots of extended family, so I try to post once every few months. I used to share pictures more privately to my immediate family via Google+, but that's dead now. My mom has a digital frame that I send pictures to, too.

poshspice

And I just realized I composed a novel below. Sorry in advance for the giant post! 

So the last time I was pregnant, there were a bunch of stories going viral about "digital kidnapping" and that freaked me out. I didn't announce that pregnancy on social media, and I haven't announced this one yet either. I don't know if I will. This story is a super extreme scenario with what could happen with digital kidnapping, but it does happen. **TW it's pretty creepy and awful** https://cyberscout.com/education/blog/digital-kidnapping-one-familys-story

Separate of that, DH has always felt very very strongly about not sharing photos of DD, especially any of her alone, and clear images of her face on social media. I have posted a few, but she's wearing sunglasses or a hat or her face is obscured in some other way or it's just the back of her head. Other people have posted pics of us in group shots on their Facebook and I have my settings so that any photos other people post of me need to be approved by me before appearing in my newsfeed. I just don't accept the tags if DD is in the photos. That way they are not tied back to my FB account/digital breadcrumbs shouldn't be there. DH feels that because we were basically adults at the advent of social media, we have always been in charge of our online presence. We didn't have to deal with our parents plastering our images all over the internet because it wasn't an option for them. He doesn't feel it's our right to do that to our child(ren). He would prefer to wait until DDs are old enough to be informed about how the internet works, that the internet is forever, and sharing things to your friends doesn't mean that only your friends will see them. He'd prefer they have their own say in their online presence and history. 

TBH, if he hadn't felt this way, I'd be the mom posting pics of DD every single day. But I understand all of these concerns and I'm fine with my extremely limited sharing of her. I mean, obviously I think DD is the most beautiful and smartest child in the world and I would love to brag about her and her amazingness all day every day, but my life is rich and full of joy without a bunch of social media likes. My mental state is also probably better off, TBH. 

Oh yeah, and we use the Apple products' PhotoStream or shared albums or whatever it's called now to share pics with immediate family only. 

bgdwg

Great reflections, thanks everyone. I have been thinking of this too. I only just this week put the pregnancy online with a pic of my husband and I with the bump. I have felt uncomfortable putting the baby online though so I'm gonna have to think about it more! 

imrachellea

So I don't share pictures of my kids face publicly, like on here or public photos on social media, as best as I can avoid it. Cover photos on FB can't be made private that I've seen, so it's always a shaded face or the back of their head. I have a private IG and don't accept random followers. I guess I'm cautious but not overly so. Until 6 months ago we lived states away from any family so it was the easiest way to keep them involved. That being said, I know some of you have mentioned you've done some sleuthing or like to (I know @eatinwatermelonseeds did) so if you do come across something public that you see of my kids and want to let me know I'd appreciate it!

eatinwatermelonseeds

@imrachellea if it makes you feel any better, I don't sleuth unless I'm provoked 😂 

DuchessOfCambridge

I don't post pictures I wouldn't be okay with being public. That said, I still try to limit it. A friend of mine had a public Instagram account and posted a photo of him and me that I asked her to take down. She ended up making her account private, which I was fine with. I do not post naked pictures, everything must always be covered. Even when future DD is teeny, I won't be posting topless photos of her. You just never know, and I want to respect my kids bodies. I also don't allow DS diaperless around anyone who isn't family. We were at a swimming playdate and the family said they didn't mind him not being in a diaper - but I did! I don't really post photos of him crying or anything either.

Stormiewinter

We have Facebook and Instagram, I set both to just friends and I am particular about friends and family who I accept. I post a lot about the boys and their pictures but we live no where near family or friends and social media has really helped their aunts and grandparents to feel connected to them since we only see each other a few times a year. I do feel like if we didn’t live more than 4 hours away from our closest family we probably wouldn’t post nearly as much because I would have more opportunities to share those experiences in person. I don’t post naked pics or anything emabarassing, just in case. On the flip side BIL and sil choose not to post about their child in anyway and honestly I feel like I hardly know him (they have a family space set up on another app, but its not the same because they don’t keep up with it so it ends up being a big dump of 300 picture for the last 5 months instead of a snap here and there of the day to day). I think in the end you have to do what makes you comfortable.

mrsdee15

We both have Facebook and Instagram, every so often I post pictures of DD but it's mostly in my stories.  The catfish thing does freak me out though.  In my Facebook May '19 BMB there was one pretending to have triplets on the way, she would post photos of ultrasounds and then someone reverse-searched and found them all.  I think some of the women on here may remember back in like 2014 or 2015, the Bump had a huuuuge catfish callout in one of the BMBs.  It was crazy to watch (I was on the Knot back then, heard about it that way).  

We do post photos almost daily on TinyBeans, an app where we only share with family.  I think I have like 6 people that see the photos that way, but they have to be specifically invited by contact information.  

wishiwaspreggo

My general rule is: if it would embarrass me, it would embarrass my son so I don't post it. I've never posted pictures of him without clothing or just in his diaper. I don't post pictures of him throwing tantrums or crying because I think it's sad to mock toddlers when they can't control their emotions even if they're being totally ridiculous. But I do post "why my child is crying" anecdotes because almost everyone on my FB page is a parent or aunt/uncle and they can relate. There is something about adding a picture, though, that makes me feel like it's taking it too far.

chloe97

We post an average of 1-2 cute photos of DD a month, but it’s literally just a cute picture of her and the dog, her in front of the Xmas tree, her in her Halloween costume. Nothing explosive and no complaints or discussions about her mood or behavior. We both keep our social media private.

 I think I’ve mentioned that DH has an aunt who is an actress who has a ton of social media followers and she has posted 3 pictures of herself with DD that have gotten 5k+ likes. She’s posted without our permission, but we were fine with it in theory. Part of me feels a rush of dopamine about how many people commented about how cute she is (especially if it’s other famous people). But then DDs day care teachers came across the post bc they follow her and were using it to try to communicate with his aunt. And it got weird. On the one hand, if they are truly fans- I understand the excitement, but the teachers started posting where they taught and DH did not like that all of a sudden all 100k+ followers know where our daughter goes to daycare. We had the comments removed and will probably ask to be notified next time she wants to post something.

DuchessOfCambridge

@chloe97 first of all, I know it's none of my business but I'm so curious what actress she is! Second of all, that's extremely unprofessional of the daycare and I'm really surprised they did that. I'd be pissed.

chloe97

@DuchessOfCambridge If and when we all move to Facebook it will become obvious (we share a last name), so I will tell you then, but I don’t want to post it on TB because of weirdos. Also, though she’s got a small, devoted fan base -her main heyday was late 80s/early 90s, so most of y’all youngins wont know her. 

The teacher was very apologetic and she’s so young, so I don’t think she thought about what she was posting.

DuchessOfCambridge

@chloe97 oh totally, I didn't mean to pry, was just expressing my curiosity haha. I so get it, I won't even share bump pictures or ultrasounds on here!

jkduer

@chloe97 Ahh! That is scary her teachers started posting her daycare location! I hope someone spoke to them about how inappropriate that is. Yikes.

missy052819

How would you approach telling family members not to post pics of your baby the day you give birth?
Yesterday a woman on my FB posted pics of her new grandson before the parents did. That just bothers me.

missmcgonnagal

@missy052819 Honestly I'm a bit nervous about sharing rules in general with family members, especially those that knew myself or hubs as kids because they might not take it seriously and kick up a fuss.

Fortunately the only family we see regularly are open to rules, so for them we are just gonna say "We've decided on a social media rule where XYZ." From there we are going to soften the blow with all the things they CAN do (Take pictures! Text them to people! Hang them on the wall!) and end by reiterating the boundry (Just don't post them on social media).

lappymom2019

I like having a private Instagram to share photos. We have cousins that I don't get to see that often and I wouldn't get to see their children otherwise and it helps to feel connected. Another family member uses snapchat and that works too.

My brother was very anti sharing photos of my niece and I feel like we miss out. He will send photos in text messages but I won't get them all of the time.

He told us he didn't want pictures shared and we respected his wishes. He told us all before birth and we shared it with extended family.

I don't think my in laws will be as understanding. I have a private Instagram with close people and I don't use Facebook,  but I reactivated it for when we cross over. I posted a photo announcing the pregnancy on Instagram and my SIL copied it and shared it on Facebook and tagged me. I was not ready to share on Facebook at the time and it was too late to untag by the time I noticed it. The damage had already been done.

mrskoz428

@missy052819 both of our parents have been super awesome about waiting for us to do social media announcements. I am going to change my settings shortly that will require people to ask me before they can tag photos of me on Facebook. We don’t plan on letting our parents into the hospital room until a good few hours after the birth, to give DH and I time to bond with our new LO and give me a chance to try and feed her. I’m more worried about my MIL telling people via text because she has been very good and telling people things behind our back.

lovelybabybumpz

I keep reading this as babies and social security as I scroll by

eatinwatermelonseeds

@lovelybabybumpz me too 😂

jkduer

We are buying my parents and my in laws Aura Frames. They are pretty neat WiFi digital frames that you can add photos to from an app. They are kinda pricey but I love the idea of my parents having access to all the photos I take. Neither of my parents are on any social media platforms, just not their thing. My in laws are on FB but I haven’t added them as my friend and don’t plan to do this is a good work around for that, too. 

lappymom2019

@jkduer I thought that was a great idea until I looked at the price! Maybe that will be for Christmas next year 🤣

missy052819

@mrskoz428 my mom is super paparazzi with her pictures. I know I'm going to have to lay down the law come May to her. I may hurt her feelings but I'm just more of a private person then she is. If we told them they couldn't come in until hours later, she probably would be so mad! 

mrskoz428

@missy052819 it’s definitely a tricky line to balance. I totally get it! Everyone is so different. 

@lovelybabybumpz definitely in the “babies and social security” boat! 😂

bumbly_b

I keep thinking about doing a private fb account. But maybe just purging my friends list would be better. Idk. My grandma way over shares, has to be the first to share, and gets so offended/pissed when you all her on it. To the point were even though we are all pretty close as a family H has asked that she isn't told LO is here until mine and his parents have gotten to meet her. 

lappymom2019

@bumbly_b You can create lists of people on Facebook and only share to those or share go everyone except them. I did that way back when because I had some relatives that were stalkerish so I created a list to exclude them from all of the pictures I posted.

missy052819

@lappymom2019 I love that idea!

knarlytaurus

@lappymom2019 I think that is what I'm going to do when the time comes. I don't really post a lot of Facebook (unless it's about knitting, rivers, or space), so I don't know how much I'd post there in general  but will likely make a separate pic sharing list, or share in Instagram. 

anonellis

@lovelybabybumpz I didn’t even click on the thread for awhile because I was like “how complicated is it to just order the social security card? What’s the controversy?”  Oops! 

knarlytaurus

@anonellis I thought the same thing! 

misskatiec

I tend to be very cautious and selective about what I share on social media (hence being so late to the party on this board), but am debating how to best keep family updated about little one when he/she gets here as they are all thousands of miles away. I had considered setting up a private FB group, but thought it might be odd to have DH’s family and my family on the same one (plus my brother and his wife have unfriended my family—even though things are fine between us in person 🤷🏼‍♀️). Setting up and maintaining separate groups for each family seems a little labor intensive to me, and I’m always a little leery of FB, even when things are supposedly “private” on there. This is the first I’ve heard of Tinybeans, but it sounds like it might be a good option. Does anyone have any experience or advice about either, or other options?