Planning on Final Baby?

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Is this the final baby for any of you ladies? Im curious to know how you and your S/O came to an agreement on it and why.  

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I've always wanted just 2 kids because money. A bigger family would be nice but realistically, I want to give my two children everything I can.  I grew up with 3 sisters and am the youngest  So, I always got hand me downs and got gipped on things because one of the other sisters needed something more.  I don't want to do that to my kids.  And now,  I'm older than i thought I would be,  not in the best health,  am always exhausted, AND this pregnancy has been real difficult. So, I'm trying to convince DH that we're done.  He wants more kids. He has said though, that if it jeapordizes my health, then of course we would stop.  But I feel like everything i've already gone through has been extremely tough and even though it wasn't absolutely "jeapordizing" my health,  I don't want to go through it again.
Thoughts/ ideas on how to convince him without making it into a one sided decision?

eatinwatermelonseeds

We originally said two and through, but we're taking a "wait and see" approach now. I know how I feel right now, I but I have no idea how I'll feel when this baby is older, when we're in an even better place financially. I don't want to do anything permanent and regret it. 

I would probably just discuss with your husband how this pregnancy has made you feel and that you fear if you have any more each pregnancy will be worse (that's been my experience so far). I get not wanting to make it one sided, but you also don't want to have any more kids and if he talks you into having more it's the same thing, just reverse. This is kind of a lose-lose. 

poshspice

Me. CA is HELLA expensive. Also I was basically bed-ridden with nausea for about the first 12-15 weeks and I wouldn’t be able to care for two tornado children if I got that sick or sicker with another pregnancy. Plus this weird blood antibody complication. DH has only ever wanted two because of cost, and I was open to three until the realities of this pregnancy set in. We’re done after this assuming we get a take home baby out of this pregnancy. 

kvh22

I don't think we're done (this is #2). I've always wanted 3 and left the door open for an oops or planned 4th. Not going there yet as I have no clue how I'll feel with two kids but I'd be surprised if we decide to not have another. I wonder if it's less helpful to have the conversation now than when you have the "last" kid in your mind already home. I think it'd be helpful to explain how you feel now but leave the conversation open after the pregnancy. That's my plan with this or after a 3rd (don't want to close the door but know it might seem crazy once we have 3 to think about a 4th). That obviously depends on personalities so might not be the best advice.

wishiwaspreggo

Done. Done, done, done, done, DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The factory is shutting down after the twins are born. Never again. I wanted 2 but ended up with 3. I'm okay with this though because I've gotten attached but my original plan was to have one more kid and be done with it. But now that we're getting TWO more kids, definitely, no more. I told my wife if she gets baby fever in 5 years she can take that last embryo and stick it in HER ute because there's no way I'm doing this again. Pregnancy is misery for me. I'm 100% done.

bumbly_b

We are (unless act of God) 1 and done. It took us 7 years a a lot of struggle to get to this point and weve decided not to put ourselves through that again. 

Plus we also live in CA and it's just a tad expensive.  So would like to focus on giving this LO everything we can. 

Casas1989

Cali girl here also. I just wanted 2 also . 1) I have a boy and a girl already 2) it is expensive to live in Los Angeles 3) I want to travel, with more kids the more expensive . God had other plans and now I’m expecting baby #3 and FINAL lol. I told my DH it’s time for him to snip snip because I am not going to go through that 😊. It’s time for him to suffer hehehe. 

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@wishiwaspreggo I lol'd at your enthusiasm! I totally understand your situation.  As for the rest of the ladies who have commented.... I should add that my husband has said in past conversations that I wouldn't need to have the third right away.  "Let's wait and see,  you may change your mind after you take a break."
To which my response is "HELL NO!" If i wait a few years between this baby and the next,  it's more reason for me not to have another.  I'll be much older and even more exhausted.  No way Im starting all over again in a few years!

robyn2201

This is it for us as this will be #3. Kids are exhausting and not just physically, but mentally exhausting as they get older. I’m older now and this pregnancy has already been harder on me physically. And like @poshspice we live in CA. We could buy a huge house elsewhere and instead we rent a tiny 800 sq ft home with only 2 bedrooms and one bath. Where this kid is going to sleep in a year, I don’t know. We may just have to squeeze him in with his sisters. Long term though it’s just too small. And I can’t imagine sharing one bathroom with two teenage girls! We also already make sacrifices to send our kids to private school because the schools aren’t very good. I would love to move but Dh won’t consider it. So this is definitely it for us! 

imrachellea

I always wanted 4, DH wanted 3. It took a bit to convince DH to try for this third, though, because our girls are *insanely* challenging, more than either of us were with our siblings. But I did get him on board and now here with our third being a boy, I could be done. I have been saying I feel more complete now that I have daughters AND a son. However, I do not want DH to get snipped. I will go on the pill, which is obviously not a 100% guarantee. We are very much in the mindset that we will work to prevent but God will give us the family he wants us to have. I also don't know how our minds could change, so I wouldn't want to do anything permanent. But if this is our last I feel content with that. So I'm really a "very much could be done but only God truly knows".

sleepy33

IDK. I would consider a 3rd, and fiance occasionally jokes about having more, but then also frets about money and space, so I think it might be more like we like the idea of 3 but wouldn't find it practical. Who knows. We're gonna get through this pregnancy and, you know, be married for a while before we do anything permanent. 

misskimsue

This is our third and we're planning on it being the last. I always wanted three or four and both DH and I come from families with three kids. When I was pregnant with my second, our attitude was more "wait and see" but I personally did not feel like it was my last pregnancy and was hoping to have another after. DH turned into a "two and done" for quite awhile after we had two kids, and I did not bring it up but also held onto my hopes (and my baby junk). I probably would have brought it up this year, but last summer he unexpectedly changed his mind and said he felt like our family wasn't yet complete. We didn't waste any time and here we are. We both understand pretty clearly this time that it's expected to be our last child. Factors (other than DH definitely not wanting more) are my age (turning 35), the fact that I'm currently staying home but want to return to my career at some point, and cost of additional kids. Add to that multiple pregnancies really takes a toll on the body!

I think it's a really good thing that you are already seriously discussing the issue with your SO. Having been the one in the relationship who wants more kids, it helps to prepare yourself for it being your final kid, before the final kid arrives, even if that's not the result you wanted. Your desire to avoid the trauma that pregnancy is putting you through is completely understandable and it sounds like your SO sees that. My only advice is to try to avoid being wishy-washy about the potential of future kids if you really think it's not in the cards. Your SO will benefit if he's able to accept this outcome before you have that last baby in your arms.

eatinwatermelonseeds

@robyn2201 I don't know how you survive with a grown man and 1 bathroom. My husband spends so much time in the bathroom I'd probably kill him. 

sleepy33

@eatinwatermelonseeds we will be going from 1 bathroom to 3. I. Cannot. Wait. 

peachy13

This is our second and final! I am 1 of 4 kids so always thought I'd have a huge family. DH is 1 of 3 and he was the one who suggested just 2. I was kind of on the fence thinking maybe 3, but after having one lol I was like okay yeah maybe it's just 2 for us. It's really for budget and space purposes. Our house is great but small, and DH and I both work full-time and are comfortable... but I think things would be compromised if we tried to make a family of 5 happen. 4 is good, and it's a nice easy number for doing things together. No one left out, etc. 

This is also maybe a weird/unpopular opinion and I'm wondering if anyone from a big family feels similar - but I never was able to develop a close relationship with my parents, specifically my mother, and I think a lot of it is because there were just a lot of us and lots of things going on growing up with various activities and school and everything. I'm not complaining about my childhood because it was really great on the hole, but I really want to have a close relationship with both my daughters and am kind of hoping that keeping our family small will help make that happen.

MaggieG183

We are done after this. DH has an appointment in the books for a vasectomy in June (not a hunting season nor is it super busy time for his work = he can be a baby and lounge for a bit). I love being pregnant and all the stuff my body has put me through with DS1 and now this little one, but we can’t justify bringing another biological child into our lives. Being a teacher, and my husband having been raised by teachers, we see so many kids in our community in need of family and support that we’d rather adopt or become foster parents if we want more. Plus, kids are pricey and while we do live in Montana where cost of living is a bit less than some places, we live in the most expensive area of the state and have expensive hobbies. We really want to give our littles many rich experiences and adventures.

kvh22

@robyn2201 this is only our second but we live in the Bay Area, CA in a 2br 1ba apartment. It's easier for us to leave since neither of us is from here, so we're planning to move to the east coast after this baby (at some point). I know if we needed to stay here we could find *something* but it wouldn't be what I'd dreamed of and would make 3 kids tougher financially.

chloe97

This is my final baby because 1.) I will be 40 and I don't want to be 60 when my last kid graduates from high school, 58 is bad enough.  2.) we have a 1400 square foot/3 BR house and can't afford anything bigger in our area and my house is overrun with toys with just the 1 kid- add 2 more and DH and I would be buried underneath child-related clutter and you would never see us again 3.) we can't afford 3 kids under 5 in daycare and you know I would have twins and then it would be 4 kids.  

I mentioned this in another post, but I am really going to try hard to get my tubes tied after giving both because I have always wanted 3 kids and I know that at some point I am going to change my mind about having a 3rd when this baby is like 1 and make a very poor choice in the heat of the moment. I also have freakishly high AMH (without PCOS) and really low FSH for a 39-year-old, meaning that I get pregnant very very easily and probably could for another 5 years. The problem is that even though I get pregnant easily, I still have the egg quality of any other 40 years old who drank themselves silly as a 20-something, which means that I will just have a lot of MCs and I am not messing around with that shit.  

Anyway, for those planning on this being the final kid- any plans as to how you are going to "shut things down"? I am curious to know what the rest of y'all plan to do. 

Oh and ETA @expandcontract DH always wanted 2 and I always wanted 3. If I would have never had a single MC and had my first kid at 36 like I should have and had every pregnancy be rosy and flawless and not a should crushing experience that sent me into a tailspin and literally almost had me committeed, then I would have been adamant to stick to my plan. But even after all of that is was ME- the one who bared the brunt of the physical and mental trauma of the MCs and the severe pregnancy depression with DD, to have to convince DH that we should even have a 2nd. He was ready to be one and done after the dumpster fire that was my pregnancy with DD.   

chloe97

@peachy13 I am also 1 ofand 4 and my mom and I are extremely close and I'm relatively close to my Dad. But this could be b/c I am the only girl. I am not sure if oldest and youngest brothers would say the same thing. A friend who was 1 of 6 has said the same thing about growing up in a large family, so it could be part of it. I definitely believe that my parents had favorites and not favorites, though they were always fair with us growing up. I think that it's completely natural and not uncommon.  

fatmonica

We always said we wanted 3, but DH kept putting off getting a vasectomy after #3, and I would look at the 4th kid in a family and think what if they didn’t have so-and-so.  I finally got so sick of my IUD killing my drive that I took it out and told DH he was responsible for birth control.  9 months later I was pregnant.  Not really a surprise, but not exactly planned either.  I hate being pregnant and I don’t want to go through it again, but now DH talks like we might have one more.  I am so done, but I don’t want to force him to get a V if he doesn’t want to.  I’m debating getting my tubes tied because I think he will just put it off again, but I’m really on the fence about that to. 

expandcontract

@peachy13 That's another reason why I only want 2....I want to be able to be there for my kids,  completely.  My family has a strong history of mental illness (including me with depression,  OCD, anxiety,  and PTSD) and want to make sure my kids are getting the right treatment and support from us.  I feel I can't do that if I have more kids. 

chloe97

@fatmonica I am in your boat with the DH and vasectomy thing. He will put it off and we will drink a bottle of wine some night and be stupid. I know us- that is how we work. 

mcewen3

I’m pretty sure this is it for us.  It took a while for DH to come around to the idea of #3 and I would be really surprised if he got on board for a 4th.  Right now I don’t desire a 4th either, but that may change.  I enjoy being pregnant and love having babies.  The spacing we chose between 2 & 3 I think will work well for our family and I could see a 4th in 2ish years being great but only if some things changed with DH’s career and where we are living.  4 wouldn’t work well in our current home and we don’t want to buy anything bigger/more expensive in this small town because we feel it would be quite challenging to sell when we do eventually move on to something else, which we expect is likely in the next 5 or so years.  

sleepy33

@fatmonica vasectomies are so much easier to reverse, if you decide down the line you aren't done. 

wishiwaspreggo

@peachy13 - I don't know if family size really influences closeness to parents... I think it's how the parents manage relationships with their kids. I'm from a family of 3 kids and I've always felt close to both of my parents. I dunno if a 4th would've really changed that. I know only children who don't feel close to their parents (which is sad if they're all they've got!). This meme is part of the reason I wanted more than 2 kids:

I gotta have at least one that'll bring us good tequila and twinkies. So far I think DS will be the one dropping us off and paying for it with his engineer's salary I need the other two for emotional support and contraband.

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sleepy33 said:

@fatmonica vasectomies are so much easier to reverse, if you decide down the line you aren't done. 

Vasectomies are so much easier because it doesn't involve me. 

eatinwatermelonseeds

Being an only child, I knew I didn't want that for DS, but I watch my friend's 3 kids and it's not very long before I'm like "okay..2 is good. That's it." Plus there's a huge age gap between the boys and I'd be afraid that if we have another close to this one, they would be close and DS (who is freaking THRILLED to be a big brother) will be left out. That might sound like a silly reason. I just worry about dynamic. And I worry about my ability to raise 3. I think 2 will be great, financially we'll have the means to live a pretty fun life with 2, I'll be able to give two my attention. I also have to worry about risk of autism in each child and the extra attention that goes into that. 2 autistic children is manageable. 3? I just. I don't even know. 

MaggieG183

@expandcontract that’s what I was thinking too! 😂 😂 😂DH can go down that road and I will happily bring him leftover frozen diaper/pads from my recovery. 

And @fatmonica they are so much easier to reverse. A friend of mine and her husband (His second marriage. He has two sons who just turned 19 and 21.) had a reversal done and they were pregnant within three months of his surgery!

brie_and_almonds

@peachy13 I'm one of four and I feel pretty close to both of my parents... not like Gilmore Girls close, but we talk regularly about actual things and not just the weather, jobs, etc. 

This will be my last baby. DH always said he only wanted two, and I was finally accepting that and starting to get rid of our baby stuff, when we moved into a bigger house, and he changed his mind, so here we are with #3. I feel pretty confident that we are done after this one. Heck, at the beginning of my pregnancy I started having doubts and thinking we could have stuck with just our two DDs.

Cost of living here is low, but I was looking at daycare costs for two kiddos at the "better" daycare I'm looking into, and it's almost my entire take-home salary 😧. Right now DD2 goes to a home daycare that is pretty cheap, but I don't really feel like an infant will get the right care there. I'm having a hard time mentally justifying the cost of switching, but taking time off and then going back would be really difficult, and I'm pretty much in the job I want forever, so my salary will be daycare pay next year I guess. Having three in daycare at the same time would be insane.

Not sure what method we'll use to prevent, probably start with condoms and then eventually get DH snipped.

knarlytaurus

I'm pretty sure we'll be one and done. Not only are we old (I'll have just turned 38 when LO is born, DH will be just turning 54!) but daycare is in a crisis here in VT. People literally cannot find daycare in many parts of the state, and the cost is rediculous, especially when compared the median incomes different areas. We put our name on wait lists in mid October (maybe around 8 weeks) and are worried we may not get in anywhere even with both of us planning to take 12-16ish weeks for leave consecutively.

A friend had her MIL move in to cover a 3 month gap in care, and one of my employees had to hire an au pair because they were two years out from getting a daycare spot! If daycare wasn't so expensive, I would definitely be open to a second, but I feel like a second child is really DH's call since he is much older. 

chucksmom15

This is baby #2 and we are definitely done.  DH and I discussed on our 3rd date that both only wanted 2 kids.  We are both 1 of 5 kids.  I thought my feelings might change once pregnancy was a reality but I just don’t have that want for a third.  I have enjoyed being pregnant but I don’t have any desire to do it again.  I always hear friends saying I would have more if... and I’ve never felt that way.  I just feel done.  Our lifestyle will be comfortable with 2 and we are good with that.  I’m having a scheduled CS and I’ve already signed the consent for a tubal.

alexva2017

This is baby 2 for us and a girl.  I always wanted a girl, so we may stop here.  I come from a family of 3, and I think I want 3, but I worry if we would be financially comfortable with 3.  Daycare is so expensive! I’m 32, but I think if I were to have another, I would have one in a couple of years and not in five or six years.  I’m having trouble believing this is my last pregnancy and baby.  But if baby girl has newborn sleep problems like DS, then this will probably be it!!

beccaneu

I’ve always only wanted one so pretty sure this is going to be our first and last.  I feel like we have the financial resources, energy, and time to provide for one child, but I worry two would stretch us too thin.  Add to that my age and the fact that if we were to have another I’d want at least three years between and I feel like we are pretty set at one.  My husband and I had both discussed how many children we each wanted and agreed on one before we got married, so I feel like we are on the same page for the most part.

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@knarlytaurus WOA! I had no idea of the state of daycare in VT!! That's nuts! Do you know why it's like that? 

It sounds like most people are sticking to 2-3 kids and it makes total sense.  They are expensive!! 

My husband comes from a family of 7 children and they were always comfortable, but that was in Pakistan. He's starting to see how expensive and difficult it is here (we don't have joint families here as much, hence no "village"). I think im just going to need to keep working on him and get him used to the idea of just two, as someone had mentioned earlier.  Thank you so much ladies for sharing all of your preferences and advice! 

poshspice

@kvh22 we actually just booked a trip to go scout Portland next month to see if we want to move there next spring. We’re kind of over the cost of living in the Bay Area. 

misskimsue

@poshspice I live just outside Portland. It is pretty expensive to live here in many ways, but of course it's nothing compared to the Bay Area. I'm pretty sure my brother's 1bd/1ba condo in San Jose is worth more than my 4bd/3ba house in Portland metro. A lot of locals blame the cost of living here on the exodus from CA, but I for one will welcome you if you move up here! Feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions about Portland.

MelissaMay82

 I’m not sure if we will be done after this one or try for a second. I would like 2 but I will be 37 when this baby is born so unless I can get pregnant again fairly quickly we might be one and done, which I am ok with. 

lovelybabybumpz

This thread is super interesting. DH and I always talked about one and done for financial reasons and just being able to devote all our attention to the one. But after I had DD, I knew I wanted her to have a sibling and us to have another kid. It took a bit of convincing, but DH came around. 

I have one sibling so i think it’s the perfect family size. DH has no “full siblings” but lots of half siblings. If I was younger, I would probably want a third kid down the road eventually because I’d feel more able to handle three if they were more spaced out. 

Also like @robyn2201 we live in a smaller 2/1 and our DD’s will grow up sharing a bedroom. CA prices mean no real chance of moving. Also means that daycare costs for two equal DH’s take home pay. 

poshspice

@misskimsue I’m going to take you up on that as soon as I can get on a computer and type up and lengthy list of questions for you!! 😅

minnemiska

Super dunzo after this one! Had our son when I was 39 and after a year or so was on the fence about having another, even though we though two would be our ideal. When we got pregnant this time, it was a “now or never so let’s just see what happens” and it turns out #2 was meant to be. But now H needs to get his vasectomy appointment scheduled!