Motherless mothers check-in: Week of 12/31

raemy12345

Hello ladies - if this discussion has already been started please redirect me; I haven’t been able to find it.

As a motherless FTM it’s something I’ve thought about quite a bit in the past 3 months, and frankly ever since my own mom passed away: How will I ever be able to mother without my own mother’s help and guidance?

 (Obviously I forged ahead and got knocked up anyway, but the grief raises up in unexpected ways during this time.)

I wanted to start this thread to support any of us who may be on this journey without the presence or support of our mothers (whether due to death or estrangement.) FTM, STM, any motherless mother’s - please feel free to share what’s helped or reach out for support. 

Some ideas for check in:

When did you lose your mother?

What are some feelings that have been coming up for you during this pregnancy?

How have you dealt with grief/fear/reached out for support?

What’s something about your mother that you hope to emulate? (What did you love about her parenting?) If you don’t have anything to say there - what do you hope to do differently?

Please share only what you’re comfortable with and we can support each other. I’m officially too tired to answer any of these myself so I’ll hold off until tomorrow. xx

Erin1510

Thanks for starting this!

 I lost my mom in November 2017. My 4.5 year old knows who she is, spent a decent amount of time with her despite us living across the country from each other, and has pictures of them together to keep her memory alive for him. 

Its been quite the struggle this pregnancy knowing this new baby will never have met my mom. We’ll do our best to let him/her know who she is, but really I know I can’t expect much since they’ll never meet. 

cricket1688

Wow thank you for starting this post. It’s something I’ve thought about on my own a lot but never thought to search out others who may be having similar thoughts. 

When did you lose your mother?
My mom passed away 19 years ago now when I was 11 years old. In the same breath the woman I call mom and who passed away was not my biological mother. I was a surrogate baby, so somewhere out there I have a possibly living mother who I don’t know about at all and that has been double-y heart breaking recently. My mom may not have given birth to me but she’s had me since day 1 and did the newborn thing etc

What are some feelings that have been coming up for you during this pregnancy?
I guess I really just wish I had someone to hang on my couch with during this pregnancy, to either talk about life or raising an infant etc. it was especially hard when we weren’t yet telling people, for me it would have been a time I told my mom and only my mom and maybe I wouldn’t have felt so alone and isolated during that time. 

How have you dealt with grief/fear/reached out for support?
It’s been so long I’m pretty much on auto pilot when it comes to thoughts about my mom but I have definetly had some crying sessions when I have thought of her during this pregnancy. I let myself cry and feel those things for 15/20 minutes and then I count my blessings and continue on. This is what works for me personally. 

When it comes to my bio Mother I have conflicting feelings. I try not to go too deep down the “does she ever think about me” path. 

What’s something about your mother that you hope to emulate? (What did you love about her parenting?) If you don’t have anything to say there - what do you hope to do differently?
My mom never once made me feel like I was anything but hers. In fact I didn’t even know until after she passed away. That woman loved me like crazy and to me that’s so beautiful. 

canuckbaby

I am lurking. My mom has not passed but my MIL died 3.5 years ago. I have harbored some regret that we didnt consider having a child seriously sooner to make her a grandma. She was a kind woman and would have been a huge help to us in many ways. I am not super close to my own mom and have a closer bond with an older lady at my work. Its not that she substitutes mom and daughter bond but she is a reliable role model in my life. My SIL also lost her mom 2 weeks prior to my MIL passing and has more recently lost her dad. My parents are now the sole grandparents for my brothers kids and soon to be our child.

@cricket1688 i think that even though you didnt have your mom very long in life the fact that you recognize how unconditional her love was for you not being her bio child shows what a huge impact she had on you and I think will help you in the long run be a great mom. You have had a lot of milestones to reach without her physical presence  you have prevailed. 

@Erin1510 my neice and nephew lost their baba when my nephew was 2 and my neice was only a baby. I know my nephew still talks about her. Those little people are amazing when it comes to their memories 

tkbmama

Thank you for starting this! 

I lost my mom 13 years ago when I was 19 years old. She was diagnosed with cancer and passed away 2 months later, very fast and unexpected. 

Some feelings coming up during this pregnancy are that my mom was such a better grandmother than my MIL.  Sounds mean, but that's how I feel.  She was such a caring and loving person, and took being my niece and nephews grandmother very seriously. Even started a Montessori career to give them good childcare. I thought my wedding this past summer was hard without her, but this has been much harder. But I know she's watching and helping me.

Have I dealt with my grief or seeked out support? I was so young when it happened I should have gone to support, but dealt with it as a college student. Since then I talk about her a lot with my dad and family and when the feelings overcome me I let myself cry it out for 20 mins or so and then take a deep breath and tell myself that she's what makes me who I am today and stronger. I've become closer with my aunt (her sister) and that has helped me cope to feel like she's part of my life. 

I hope to emulate her love for family and the holidays. My mom absolutely lived for the holidays and loved Christmas. We try and do something special every year for her birthday, and will continue to do that with my LO. She always believed and supported me and my siblings and plan to have that same support for my LO.

cricket1688

@canuckbaby MIL i think counts and sometimes not being close with your own mother can make you feel motherless as well, or unsupported. Thank you for such sweet words regarding what I wrote, seriously so kind. Sometimes loss can help us see things in a different light and appreciate being alive for our own children a little more. 

adw1989

Hi all, thanks so much for starting this discussion. I’ve used the term “motherless mother” in my head regarding myself so many times but have never seen/heard anyone else use it. My eyes went straight to it when I opened the discussion list.

I lost my mom very unexpectedly in August 2018, just a few months ago. The weight of losing my mom feels like its only begun to set in and man is it heavy. She wanted to be a grandma so bad and would have been the very best! My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant since June and learned in October that our dream was coming true. This was one of the most exciting moments in my life, but also a pretty painful realization that I would have to do this without my mom. I am reminded every single day that she isn’t here and I can’t just call or text her with questions, exciting developments, concerns, etc. I feel like I am generally a pretty strong person, both mentally and emotionally, but lately I have been pretty fragile in that department. My emotions always seem to come rushing in on my drive to work each day. Random thoughts of missing my mom, everything our baby (and my mom) will miss out on with her not here, being robbed of the opportunity to show her how much I had been paying attention to how much of a Rockstar she was as a mother, and her not being able to love on this miracle growing inside of me. She gave me so much and sacrificed so much for our family. I always dreamed of the day I would be able to give her the gift of being a grandma. It just hurts so much. I am very close with my dad and brother, but am hesitant to share how I am feeling because they are both hurting in their own individual ways. I feel like it helps me more to be strong for them and take care of our family the way mom always had. 

With all all of that being said (sorry for the book!), I am so excited to become a mom. I am due in June and already this is the thing I am most proud of in my entire life. This baby will know who his gma is and that he has a guardian angel looking out for him. My husband is the greatest human on earth and has loved me so hard through everything.  I will be ok and I know my mom is watching over us. There are signs all around. 💙

A

thisisuses

Thank you so much for starting this thread, what a great idea to support fellow motherless daughters. My mom was my best friend and I lost her in May of 2010. I am so nervous to be a mom without my mom who was my EVERYTHING as a child. My mom’s mom was my second closest family member and I am so sad my baby won’t have a close grandmom to love and care for them. I feel like I have so much to make up for without having my mom being around. My grand mom was SO supportive and loving and just helpful to my mom when I was a kid. 😢

raemy12345

Ladies, I apologize for starting this thread and then not returning for over a week.

The Bump app drives me bonkers and it's just today I pulled out my laptop to read your beautiful responses. I am at once sorry that you all are going through it too, and also grateful that we can support each other in this space and time.

I can relate a lot to so much that was said; I'll copy/paste my own answers below.

When did you lose your mother?

November 2013 - feels like forever ago and yesterday at the same time

What are some feelings that have been coming up for you during this pregnancy?

Grief - like many of you, she's the first person I would have called with the news. She was who I could share anything with: the darkness and the light, the weird and the taboo. I know I'm lucky to have had that and I really felt her absence in the first few weeks after I found out. I've also felt anger at moments ("why did you leave me?") Other moments I've been filled with gratitude and this certainty that she's with me at every step. It's definitely been a mixed bag.


How have you dealt with grief/fear/reached out for support?

I started some real intense therapy not long after I found out I was pregnant - I figured now's as good a time as any to heal some wounds and face some big stuff. My mom weaves through every other part of my life and psyche so this has been really helpful. I also talk about her with my SO, a few close friends, and journal frequently.

What’s something about your mother that you hope to emulate? (What did you love about her parenting?) If you don’t have anything to say there - what do you hope to do differently?

My mom was truly a demonstration of what unconditional love looks like. Regardless of how badly I screwed my life up (and I did so pretty badly not too long before her death) she was full of sturdy, unflinching, honest, HOPE for me and who I was capable of being. She loved me into being a better person than I was. If I can do even half of that for my kid, I'll feel like I did all right.

xoxo