Marriage Help! Long Story.

kjmomof3

Hi, I have been on the bump before but this is a new account as it is been a few years since my last baby. I have a 5yo and a 3yo and I’m expecting baby 3 in March. I recently found my DH’s Ashley Madison Account...he saved a username/password to my phone by accident. I’ve confronted him, he was incredibly apologetic and willing to explain. He has assured me that it was never more than coffee meetings/texts/emails and has never been anything physical with any of the women. I love my DH, we have been together 10 plus years, this isn’t the first time I have found incriminating texts/emails and we did work through counseling a few years ago afte that incident. I forgave him and we continued on with our generally happy life. Since this latest discovery I am at a loss, I’m pregnant with our third, and I know things have been hectic in both our lives, but I was certain this attention seeking behaviour was dealt with through our sessions. 
The email accounts I discovered had been “cleaned up” ie deleted messages were empty, sent mail was empty, etc. I did find a couple messages, but nothing that flat out implied sexual contact. They were sexual in nature...obviously that’s the purpose of that site, but nothing that confirmed a sexual relationship. I tracked some info I found in the email accounts and found that he went to one of the women’s houses recently (like 2 weeks ago) in the evening from 8-840ish, he said they were catching up over coffee...I want to believe him, I really do, but every part of me is telling me not to. I guess what I am looking for here is; if there is anyone that has been through something like this, I’d love to know how you dealt with it all? Also, am I crazy to even be considering staying in this marriage? I’m not convinced I will stay...in fact this is the first time in the 15 years we have known each other that I pretty much have one foot out the door. Any advice? Coping tips? Conversation starters for me and DH? 

hlmtnmama

I’m so, so sorry you are going through this, especially while pregnant. It’s so hard.
My sister went through a similar situation during her most 2nd & final pregnancy, except it was her husband and their 21 year old au pair (I know, I know...totally the plot of a bad Lifetime movie).

The most difficult part for her was that in-between phase when she had a gut feeling (and some bits of evidence) that things weren’t right, but hadn’t yet dug in to find out the full story and/or didn’t want to let herself believe it.

She also kept everything to herself for a LONG time (almost a year). In retrospect, she has said that period of feeling alone and trying to carry the entire burden by herself was by far the hardest part.  Once she finally let a few people know what was going on (in her case it was me & then our parents), she was able to get her head above water and start to move forward. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is, no matter the outcome here, I would encourage you to build a web of support. Maybe that includes a therapist, close friends, trusted family members, etc. Just don’t be afraid to reach out to those you trust and don’t hesitate ask for help if you need it! 

Again, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’ll be thinking of you! 

swanbrooner

I would suggest talking with a counselor with and without him.

His intention was to cheat, whether it got to that point or not physically. He wouldn’t be on that site if if he wasn’t planning on it. 

Emotionally, he was already doing it, which would be hard for me to stomach. 

meggyme

kjmomof3 said:

Hi, I have been on the bump before but this is a new account as it is been a few years since my last baby. I have a 5yo and a 3yo and I’m expecting baby 3 in March. I recently found my DH’s Ashley Madison Account...he saved a username/password to my phone by accident. I’ve confronted him, he was incredibly apologetic and willing to explain. He has assured me that it was never more than coffee meetings/texts/emails and has never been anything physical with any of the women. I love my DH, we have been together 10 plus years, this isn’t the first time I have found incriminating texts/emails and we did work through counseling a few years ago afte that incident. I forgave him and we continued on with our generally happy life. Since this latest discovery I am at a loss, I’m pregnant with our third, and I know things have been hectic in both our lives, but I was certain this attention seeking behaviour was dealt with through our sessions. 
The email accounts I discovered had been “cleaned up” ie deleted messages were empty, sent mail was empty, etc. I did find a couple messages, but nothing that flat out implied sexual contact. They were sexual in nature...obviously that’s the purpose of that site, but nothing that confirmed a sexual relationship. I tracked some info I found in the email accounts and found that he went to one of the women’s houses recently (like 2 weeks ago) in the evening from 8-840ish, he said they were catching up over coffee...I want to believe him, I really do, but every part of me is telling me not to. I guess what I am looking for here is; if there is anyone that has been through something like this, I’d love to know how you dealt with it all? Also, am I crazy to even be considering staying in this marriage? I’m not convinced I will stay...in fact this is the first time in the 15 years we have known each other that I pretty much have one foot out the door. Any advice? Coping tips? Conversation starters for me and DH? 

I agree that you should talk to a counselor or therapist by yourself to sort out your own feelings about it and then if you choose to continue with the marriage, together to come to the real root of the problem. But I tend to agree with swanbrooner that making the account and especially the meeting up with people in person shows intention to follow through. I feel like a lot of people might make accounts and message people/sext just to get their rocks off or whatever, but taking the step to meet somone is a step too far. That's interviewing someone to see how you connect in person.

If you feel like you already have a foot out the door, have dealt with this before and he's blown his second chance, then it seems like you're already leaning toward leaving him and maybe just need the encouragement to do so. Surround yourself with people that will be supportive no matter what and make the decision either to give him a third chance or to leave. It seems like you are more than strong enough to do this on your own, even if it's not ideal. And you don't deserve to be in a relationship that doesn't make you happy. You're not crazy if you stay, but relationships are built on trust and he's broken yours. He either needs to earn it back or you need to leave.

novelblessings

Just wanted to say I agree with what others have said. I actually have some experience with this personally and as a professional. I am not going to go into details but it’s best that you seek out a counselor for yourself first. Even encourage him to seek out a counselor because whatever happens next will not be easy for either of you. Then after you have had some time to process things yourself you can decide whether you want to go to couple’s counseling or leave him.
It’s really up to you whether you want to work it out and believe him but I suspect he is not telling the whole truth. You don’t have to put up with it. Especially being his supposed second time with this happening with you. There have most likely been more times and at this point he just proved he cannot stay faithful. I’m sorry you are going through this!

kjmomof3

Thanks all for your advice. I haven’t really talked to anyone about it yet...I’ve known for about 6 weeks now. It’s hard to talk to friends and family when you aren’t sure they will understand why I am not throwing his stuff on the lawn! Lol! It’s so much more complicated than that! I will give a counseler a call in the New Year, I definitely think I want to work with someone on my own though...figure out what’s best here for me and my 3 kiddos without his side of things right now. Thank you again for sharing and replying. I appreciate your messages! 

applesandbananas23

Have you seen this article? Maybe it's different because he owned up to coffee meetings, but still. 
https://amp.businessinsider.com/ashley-madison-almost-no-women-2015-8

Anyway, I'm sorry this is happening but I personally feel like emotional cheating is still cheating. 

kjmomof3

Oh wow. No I hadn’t seen that article! It doesn’t surprise me at all. Everything that site stands for is so awful. and so sad that it even has a clientele to support it. 
I agree emotional cheating is still cheating. No questions. I don’t know if we will see the other side of this one. I’m going to be meeting a new counselor in Jan to help me through it all. Esp with this new baby, and my other two. The thought of doing it on my own is terrifying. 

applesandbananas23

@kjmomof just don't forget that you are strong! I'm glad you will be getting some counseling, it is such a good resource.

I didn't even know websites like that existed and had to look it up when you posted, which is where I found that article. I wish this concept wasn't a thing.