Mental Health Check In Week Of 12/10

tuxielove93

Hey ladies! How is everyone doing this week? Figured it was time for another one of these so we can all vent, celebrate, and commiserate!

P.S. Please don't anyone feel like I'm the only one who can post these or something. Anyone is welcome to!

1) How are you feeling this week?

2) Is anything bothering you? Any stressful things happening or coming up?

3) What are you doing to take care of YOU this week?

4) GTKY: What is your favorite hobby that brings you peace? 

tuxielove93

1) How are you feeling this week?
That's complicated this week. My nausea is gone! (going on three days with no MS, aside from some gagging and near vomit being triggered by smells). I wake up hungry! I feel hungry! I'm still eating a lot, but that's to be expected for a pregnant and breastfeeding mama. BUT my anxiety is back with a vengeance. I had a horrible panic attack last night, complete with not being able to breathe and a new fun pregnancy addition of feeling like I'm going to cry. I've actually been having a lot of panic attacks and anxiety since the nausea let up. Seems like I traded one for the other. I will gladly take the trade, but I'm still struggling. I think the hardest part of my anxiety now is that it's triggered by nothing. There definitely used to be good reasons to have anxiety, and then for awhile, I had specific anxiety (like about food being good/fresh or not). But I've changed my life and moved so that my lifestyle anxiety is basically gone. Of course, life can be stressful, but things are relatively good. And I've dealt with the food and other thing based anxieties, so now I just get panic attacks for no particular reason whatsoever. Its just a chemical imbalance I guess? Either that, or I'm just not aware of what it's about. At any rate, it feels like the only solution is medication, and one I don't want to, and two I'm pregnant and breastfeeding, and will be for at least the next 2.5 years, more if my second nurses longer than that, or if we have more kids. I know there are some medications that are safe during pregnancy, but I don't want to risk getting on the wrong one and having bad side effects while pregnant or with little ones in the house, and I don't really want to take anything while pregnant and breastfeeding. So, here we are. I think I explained before that I sort of have exchanging anxiety and depression? I think the anxiety is primary, but who knows. I'm on the "downside/depression" of it now, and kind of just been laying on the couch, but after I'm done writing this, I'm gonna do my best to get up and start some laundry and clean up. It does make me feel better to actually DO things and feel productive, so hopefully, that will help at least for a little bit. 

2) Is anything bothering you? Any stressful things happening or coming up? Other than the random panic attacks that are worse then they've been in years, things are going pretty well. As long as I keep feeling better physically, I'll be looking into working again next week. Not calling it over until I'm sure I'm past the MS. Christmas is just going to be the three of us, so no stress there. 

3) What are you doing to take care of YOU this week? This weekend, I pushed back with DH and went to the grocery store alone. It was nice to get a couple minutes away. I always forget that I really need some time to myself to restore my patience with my strong-willed toddler. 

4) GTKY: What is your favorite hobby that brings you peace? Crafting. I love making stuff to go around my house. It brings me joy to look at things I've made being hung around the house and used. Like the blankets I made for the couch that we snuggle under every night. I don't really get to do it a lot now with a toddler who is very curious and wants in on everything I'm doing though. 

nmbrcrnchr1

So I don’t know that I belong here but I think this is the best place to ask....I’ve never struggled with anxiety or depression before, I mean I’m a worrier but it’s never really affected my health (mental or physical)....so for those who have had antepardum depression, 1. how do you know the difference between that and just normal 1st trimester crap? I just feel like I don’t want to do anything but lay in bed all day, every day. I’m doing things (work, social events, caring for my DD) but only out of necessity. I didn’t have this with my DD but It is also opposite seasons (winter vs summer with her) so I’m wondering if maybe that’s contributing to it? 2. What types of treatment are available besides medication? (Bc id really like to avoid taking any meds)

if the best answer is “talk to my OB” I will definitely accept that. I don’t have an appointment until later this month but may call this week if I don’t see an improvement.

tuxielove93

@nmbrcrnchr1 Anyone who is having any feelings at all belongs here . Maybe I should call it the emotional support thread?? You don't have to have a specific mental health issue to want to talk about how you're feeling and find support here. Pregnancy is rough. 
So per your actual question, it's a bit hard for me to answer because I've had anxiety/depression since I was a child (first panic attack I distinctly remember I was around 8). So I know the difference between being sick/tired and having a mental issue through a crapton of experience. BUT I'll do my best. And hopefully, some of the other ladies here can offer better insight if mine doesn't help. Oh and just a minor note. It could absolutely be the seasons. Seasonal Affect Disorder is a form of depression that is linked to the cold and darkness of the winter months and only shows up when that season is happening. They think it may be linked to vitamin D deficiency, but they haven't proven it yet. My depression always got much worse in the winter when I lived in PA, and I did not struggle like that living in TX and AZ (which is one of the many reasons we moved to sunny, warm places to begin with). I would imagine, as with any mental health issue, you could have pregnancy induced SAD. So that could definitely be part of it! If that is the case, consult your OB first (idk if these things are safe or not for pregnancy) but you could try a Vit. D supplement, a light lamp (special lamp that mimics sunlight), or just try to go the natural way if your climate allows (I'm not sure where you live) and go outside with as much skin exposed as possible to soak up some sunshine. 

For me, when I'm actually sick or tired, I mentally normally want to keep going but my body just can't do it. Are you thinking to yourself, "I'm just too tired for this" or is it more like you just don't emotionally feel up to it? Maybe the best thing to equate it to is doing a work/school task that you really don't want to do. You're physically capable of doing it, but you just.don't.want.to. In an odd way, and please don't take this disparagingly, because I feel the same way too, but it's a bit like how toddlers and kids feel. They CAN do something, they just don't want to. But of course, you're an adult, and people rely on you, and the things you have to do really do have to happen. So you're stuck dragging yourself through it, and with depression, it just makes you feel crappier and more drained. It messes with your ability to be able to regulate those emotions and be ok doing something you don't feel like doing. 

As for treatment, there are options other than medication (I hope my post didn't make it sound like there isn't. There IS. I've just done everything else, and still struggle, so I'm running out of options) Self care is a really big one, especially for new moms and pregnant moms. Even just taking a shower by yourself for ten minutes can make a difference. I know how hard that can be with little ones too! But go to the grocery store alone, take a half an hour and go to a park by yourself, buy yourself a nice new lotion... really anything that makes you feel good and restored. Just take some time that is only for you, and do things that make you feel relaxed and restored and good about yourself, whatever that may be. Also, finding someone, even just a trusted friend or family member, can be extremely helpful for some people. Even just someone you can text and be like, "ugh, I just don't want to mom or clean or cook today". Thankfully, my person is my DH and I text him a lot like that. Exercise is often helpful for people as well, if you can get yourself to do it. And really, this stuff should be for everyone! It's much easier to take care of yourself and keep yourself well rested than it is to try to make up a deficit when you already feel crappy. I know it can be guilt-ridden when you feel like your family needs you, but you can't pour from an empty cup. You have to make sure you are taken care of first or else you won't be able to help anyone else. Also, just something to keep in mind, it may be temporary and not require all that much effort on your part. I think the limit for when they are willing to diagnose and treat postpartum is 2 weeks. I'm not sure what the standard is for antepartum. 

And yes, talking to your OB is not a bad idea. Some of them can be really helpful, and he/she can probably better help you decipher if it is a concern or not, and hopefully point you in the direction of resources. 

Here is a link to the postpartum support international's page on depression during and after pregnancy. It's a good website with lots of info and resources, both for dealing with issues during pregnancy and after. 
https://www.postpartum.net/learn-more/depression-during-pregnancy-postpartum/

@raemy12345 Hi and welcome!! We have talked about what you are experiencing on the board somewhere before, but I have no idea where and I'm more than happy to open the conversation back up. I'm just going to quote you here so that the other ladies know what we're talking about. 

Quoted from Intro thread, by raemy12345
""I’ve experienced pretty severe depression most of my first trimester - and have taken steps to seek help and support. 

Wondering how others are doing with the mixed emotions of pregnancy? 

We wanted a child and this wasn’t an accident - but I vacillate between despondency, grief, excitement - but a lot of grief. And guilt for the grief!

please do share your experiences - especially FTM 
Happy to be here""

I'm glad to see that you have already seeked out help for your depression! That's so awesome and brave that you got help so quickly. 

Re: the sadness of pregnancy. It's not talked about much in "the real world" so to speak. Pregnancy is sort of this thing that is "supposed" to be all happy and glow and amazingness, but that's so far from the truth. You are far from being the only person who struggles with these emotions, and the associated guilt of them. There are A LOT of struggles and physical limitations and all kinds of things that happen during pregnancy that can make some women straight up miserable. And that's ok. It's ok to not just be happy all the time, and it's totally fine to hate pregnancy and love your baby. Or not even feel connected to your baby. 

My current pregnancy was 100% planned and wanted, and as soon as I got pregnant, I felt nothing but dread until very very recently. I'm not even sure why I just wasn't and couldn't get excited. All I could think about was all the struggles and kept wondering what the heck we were even thinking doing this. Go figure that my first suprise pregnancy, I didn't feel this at all. At any rate, you are not alone! I can't really tell you how or why it changed, but the other day I was in the car alone (sans toddler, which is rare) and then I remembered that I really wasn't alone, and it made me really happy. I've also been trying to sing to the baby, and been reading the weekly updates, and those things have been helping as well. I think, at least for me, I might just really not have a lot of time to devote to thinking about being pregnant. I have a very active toddler, and a house to keep up with, and all kinds of stuff I do, and I just don't have a lot of room to think about the tiny human growing in me, but I was definitely stuck feeling the side effects of it. I think only feeling the bad and not having time to think about the good was leading to a lot of negativity. I'm sorry you're dealing with it too, but I hope it helps to at least know that you are not alone, and it's pretty normal to have all kinds of feeling during pregnancy. 

ki1244

@nmbrcrnchr1 I was diagnosed with antepartum depression pretty early on. I had a little bit of a history with depression, albeit undiagnosed, but nothing in the last 10 years. Then pregnancy happened, and I had what you describe...lack of interest in anything, wanting to just lay there all day, etc. I also had a couple anxiety attacks, where I would get into a spiral of grief over this pregnancy, then guilt over grieving it -- like what kind of monster wonders if they'd even be sad to lose the baby? My red flags went up the first time I had one of those, and that's literally been the only real instance where Google has been kind, because it gave me a name for what I was feeling. The second time, I called a friend's mom, who is a counselor, and she set up an appointment with me right away.

When we talked, she said that some of what I was feeling was just natural hormonal stuff, but she thought it was exacerbated by antepartum depression. She gave me some homework (monitor my sleep, because she could tell I wasn't sleeping well; get some exercise, even just a short walk every day; and gave me some Psalms to read every day) and set up an appointment for a week later. She also gave me some logical things to work on for when those anxiety attacks happen -- to find the lies in them that I was believing, and find Scripture to tell me the truth.

On my way home that night, I was listening to a sermon on the radio that just happened to be about depression in stubborn people...weird. In it, he mentioned the verse that weeping lasts the night but joy comes in the morning -- and often that joy isn't a month at a time, but a moment at a time. But it will still grow. So I asked God right there in my car to let me have a moment of joy. I had a journal for the pregnancy, but I hadn't written anything in it because I never wanted to remember how I felt then because it was so awful. When I got home, DH's aunt had sent us Baby's first gift (we had gotten our BFP like two weeks before that) and it had these teeny little socks with burgers on them, and they were so stupid and cute and I loved them and for the first time had a moment where I was excited about the baby. And I lost it. Doubt I'll ever be able to put them on Baby without crying. But that was my first moment of joy.

I was pretty strict on doing my homework, and when I had another anxiety spiral, I was actually able to wrap it up pretty quick by looking at it logically instead of getting caught up in the fear. I saw my counselor a couple more times, and we'll meet again from time to time as the pregnancy continues, but it's been a night and day difference. I won't say everything has been totally fine and I'm so excited and happy -- I'm terrified and still grieve a little from time to time -- but I'm functioning so much better.

So all that novel to say this: I don't know where you stand, spiritually, but for me it would be impossible to separate my faith from my mental state, so it fit for me to find a Christian counselor. And the homework was helpful, but I'll say this, having someone validate my feelings with a name and actual concern and a plan of action, honestly, helped just as much if not more. If you have a trusted older friend you can talk to, I don't doubt you'd see some benefit. If not that, either your OB or just skip straight to a counselor, even just for a session or two, and they can likely tell you what might be going on, if you aren't sure. But seeing someone was WELL worth it for me, because it helped me get my life back.

I'm sorry you're feeling that way -- it's horrible, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. When I say I've been asymptomatic, I mean that physically, but the emotions, especially when I had no name for it, was hell. I hope you can find healing, and if you want to talk at all more, I'm pretty open about it or am a PM away if you prefer.

runyogamom

So I was kind of hesitant to join this thread because this feeling is really new and different for me and I'm just trying to process how to deal with it but I could really use some advice from anyone who's had anxiety before. 
I've never experienced anxiety before so when it first started happening I wasn't really sure why I was feeling like this. But after some googling I figured out that it's not just PPA but antepartum anxiety is also a thing during pregnancy. It didn't start until I hit second trimester and it all centers around one thing. I can't get the idea out of my head that someone is going to come into the house and steal DS away. Every night during bedtime, whether I'm doing bedtime or DH is, I feel the panic start to build. Last night it got to the point where I felt like I couldn't move while I was rocking him to sleep. I needed to get up and put him in his crib but I couldn't make myself. I can't turn my brain off either. I want to not think about it but it hits me out of nowhere and I'm so surprised by the feelings I start to have. When I wake up in the middle of the night I can't fall back to sleep because I start to panic again. I've lost a lot of sleep over this. We're going to buy a home security system and I hope that helps. But in the meantime does anyone have any advice on how to deal with the anxiety when it hits? How do I stop it from continuing to build up inside me and get worse? I'm afraid it's going to start effecting my daily life if I continue not to be able to sleep at night. 

ki1244

@runyogamom I don't know about you, but I can be a pretty analytical person, which is annoying sometimes but in this instance it helped me. My counselor suggested that when I would feel the anxiety setting in (and you know what that feels like -- like it doesn't really just BANG hit you and suddenly you're engulfed, but like you said, it builds), to step back and look at what lies I was believing to get me to that point -- and use the truth I know to combat it. For me, my worldview/mental state is inextricable from my faith, so at the risk of sounding like someone is telling me I'm having lime babies, I do believe in spiritual warfare and that Satan is a liar and was "whispering", so to speak, those lies into my heart. So the truth I could use to combat the lies is scripture. Was the baby a mistake? "For I know the plans I have for you. Be still and know that I am God." Could I really do this? "I will take you by the hand and walk with you; I will uphold you." Why can't I make these evil thoughts go away? "The Lord will fight for you." And so on.

I don't mean to proselytize, and understand that not everyone looks at this as I do, but I do think there's universal wisdom to be found in understanding that what is causing the anxiety is, at root, a lie, and truth will combat it. Why do you fear your son will be stolen away? Is there an underlying fear -- like it's not necessarily so much that someone will literally break in and physically take him, but at heart it's that your relationship with him will change? Have you had some sort of experience that would contribute to that fear? What's the truth -- is it really a strong likelihood that someone will break in and steal your son? (Not saying to never worry, but depending on where you live, is it worth the lack of sleep?) Is it a control issue -- that you don't feel in control of your body right now so there's a need to find control in other areas? I don't know, but a counselor or trusted older friend might be of some help in analyzing the fear, and contrasting it with truth.

Antepartum depression is for sure no joke. It SUCKS. But it isn't forever, and there is help for it. Like I've said and will continue to say, I'm pretty open about my struggle with it, and am happy to continue a conversation here or via PM, if you need a sympathetic ear. I'm not an expert but I've been there and can empathize with the havoc it wreaks, and am always here to listen if you need.

runyogamom

@ki1244 thank you. It's helpful to look at it from a logical standpoint. Just hard to do sometimes in the moment. Logically, the chance of a break in where we live is very low. Realistically, if someone is going to break in somewhere it would likely be DH's work vans will all of the tools and valuable stuff in it. Not our house. I've tired reminding myself of this and it does help to a point. It's just hard to rationalize at 3am. 
I really like the idea of getting to the truth of it. That's something I think I will spend awhile thinking about and analyzing. It might help me to understand why my anxiety has presented itself in the way it has. That would probably do a lot for me in being able to rationalize it when it starts to build up. 
Thank you! 

ki1244

@runyogamom For sure easier said than done -- especially in the middle of the night, when you're tired and not necessarily thinking straight anyway. And also doesn't mean to leave the door unlocked as a test of faith or anything (and I didn't want to assume you lived in a fairly safe area...the fear could be entirely justified). I did find that, if I was able to think about the feelings/emotions/thoughts that set me off in non-anxiety times, like reflecting on it several hours later, I was better prepared for the next time the anxiety did come. So then in the heat of the moment, when I was trying to analyze the thing making me sob and hyperventilate, it wasn't the first time I was thinking about it...kind of like muscle memory for my brain. So yeah, if you can take time in the daylight hours to think strictly rationally about it, maybe you'll be a little more prepared with some truth ammo when the anxiety sets in during the night. At least, I hope that's true for you!

runyogamom

@ki1244 don't worry definitely not leaving the door unlocked at all. I have realized that I've been trying to ignore the anxiety I'm getting at night during the day because during the day my rationale brain works and I know we are safe. So, honestly, part of me feels embarrassed to feel the way I do. Which I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. I've recently brought it up to DH and talking to him about it has helped me. He's been very reassuring anytime I've needed to talk about it recently. Acknowledging it in the light of day will hopefully help me relax more when I start to feel panic. 
Talking here helps too. It's reassuring that I'm not just overreacting to something but that it's a true issue for me that I need to get a handle on.

nmbrcrnchr1

@ki1244 thank you for your response! I read it a few days ago but Between limiting my screen time bc of these headaches and the glitchy bump app I haven’t responded. I do believe in God and would consider myself a Christian although I’m not currently going to church so I sometimes forget how much a daily devotion would help. I ordered a devotional book for pregnant women and going to try that for now. If it continues I’ll talk to my OB to see if there’s a therapist they recommend. I did finally open up to my husband and asked him if he thought I was different. He said he thought it was just bc I was feeling crappy but at least he knows and will be watching out for any other signs 

BlondePeanut

1) Touch and go. Some days I am "normal" and other days I feel overwhelmed and sometimes overcome with sadness that I don't know where it is coming from. Then I feel so guilty for being sad when I have a beautiful daughter and a baby on the way. I almost want to yell at myself "what is wrong with you!!" My anxiety gets out of control sometimes. Sometimes I am at work and almost obsessively call/text DH to make sure DD is OK. Not because I think DH isn't caring for her well, he is AMAZING. But because I get panic that something is going to happen to them while I am at work and I can't rationalize myself without actually confirming with DH that they are both OK. I've started to make sure DD is still breathing at night, which I obsessively did after she was born....and I noticed that this past week I started doing it again even though she is almost 2 years old. I was for a while sleeping with our bedroom door shut and locked (DH, DD and I all sleep in the same room) because it made me feel like I was keeping us safer. I had to start leaving it open a bit again since I have been sick with a cold because the heat in our room without the door open has been killing my sinuses to the point where it hurts too much. Some days I feel like the connection between DH and I is falling apart...even though it isn't and we are close as ever. I just feel really alone some days and I don't really know why. 

2) I had a day last week that I posted about where I ended up crying all day because I felt overwhelmed and like DH was just not stepping up to the plate to help me out. After I broke down to him, he did start stepping up more. Which helps. But some days I still feel overwhelmed....I think partially because this pregnancy I have been sick and with DD I wasn't at all. Some days I feel too crappy to get my normal responsibilities done but I still have to do them anyway and it wears me down. Some days I get frustrated because I want to enjoy this pregnancy more, like I did with DD, but I feel like crap so it is really hard to be super happy and positive when physically I feel gross. I think I just feel like i need a break. I have been working some overtime and I think I may be working myself too hard and need to pull  back a bit and literally try to take care of myself a little more instead of solely focusing on DH and DD....which makes me feel selfish to even say but I know some days I flat out neglect myself and then I have to remind myself that it isn't just me in this body, I'm growing another child who needs me to be healthy too. 

3) I am forcing myself to RELAX and enjoy my 2 days off. I am not taking any extra shifts or tasks this week. I just want to find my relaxation and happy place during my days off. Spend quality time with DH and DD, but also make sure I am literally giving myself time to put my feet up.

4) GTKY: Making DD laugh. I swear when she laughs it brings peace to my heart. I also previously enjoyed doing my nails....I taught myself how to do nail extensions and haven't done them in a while. My OB gave me the clear to do my nails with the non-odor stuff, so I think I am going to this weekend. We do have DD's baptism on Sunday so that might be just the excuse I need to doll my nails up again lol

raemy12345

@tuxielove93
Thanks so much for looping me into this board and discussion last week. 
I read the post the day you made it and it really helped to be reminded how not alone I am. 
I have a terrible time using this app (I don’t get notifications when I’m @‘d and in general feel like throwing my phone across the room when I try to use it - so many glitches!!) 
But I truly enjoy reading about the realness of mental health and am so glad to be connected with some like minded mamas. (Even if those minds are dark at times.)