This is something I've been thinking about a lot since finding out I was pregnant. I'm white, and my boyfriend is Puerto Rican. It's so important to me to do a good job at being the white mom of a biracial baby, and I'd love to hear how other moms are doing it. I really do not want to take the "colorblind" approach, because I believe that lends itself to ignoring a lot of stuff. I want to know how you deal with racist comments, how you keep your own biases in check, etc. etc.
One thing I'm happy about is having my boyfriend's parents living with us. Neither of them speak a lot of English, so that will help with Spanish-language learning as well as being closely connected to other aspects of their heritage.
Anyway, I'm excited to see where this discussion goes!
Re: Raising Biracial Babies
I will say, I'm 36, born in 1982 and I think the world is WAAAAAY different and much better now, but not perfect obviously. But growing up, I don't really recall ever seeing many main minority characters on TV or in movies, and that kind of gets to you, you know? You already feel really self-conscious and have low self-esteem, but then it's reinforced by the absence of anyone like you in popular media (there were some, like Lisa on Saved by the Bell, but it was more rare that you saw interracial interactions like that). So when I was old enough to find Mariah Carey, I was OBSESSED with her. I felt like, wow, here's another brown girl and she's famous and everyone thinks she's pretty, so if she's acceptable, so am I right? As a kid, you don't think those direct thoughts, but that's what's going on in your head. Fast forward to today, media is much more intentional about diversity, and I think that is great for minority kids' self esteem and self worth. As a parent, you can try to build them up as much as you can, but what they see in the world has a huge impact. And the world is becoming more reflective of society.
Interracial babies also are way more common now, so hopefully you won't get a ton of grief. My parents did, even from family about how it's wrong to do that to a child. If you have closed minded people, they may say those things - just brush it off. My grandparents were all set to reject me, but they wound up loving me (still never liked my dad though).
I think it's great that the baby's grandparents will be so involved and present - that's a great start! And yes, have them speak Spanish to the baby! Bilingualism is an incredible gift to give to your child, even apart from the fact that it will help him/her stay closer to the culture. Good luck, and even acknowledging this is a huge step in the right direction! You got this.
@tsa208 Thank you for sharing your experiences!! The points you make about diversity/inclusiveness in media are so true. Your comment also makes me think of a discussion my boyfriend and I had last week.
We want to buy a house next year, and we keep going back & forth about where we want to be located. Being in the inner city part of our town has drawbacks like high property taxes, significant violence in some areas, and the school district is poor-performing in many aspects. BUT if our kid would go to that school, there would be much more diversity and living in the city would provide other valuable lessons. Plus, I don't like the idea of my kid being a Token Kid of Color in a classroom. All of that said, though, being in a higher-performing, better-funded school district has a million benefits, and the diversity stuff could be made up for in other areas of life maybe?
I think more than anything, you will have the most impact. A minority kid can go to an all white school and deal with it just fine, if he or she has some self-esteem and is taught to be proud of what makes him or her different, instead of embarrassed. Again, my mom didn't really recognize it would be an issue and never addressed it. I never had a single conversation about race with her growing up - if I did, I can't recall it. I feel like sometimes non-minorities don't understand why there has to be a "Strong black this" or "Strong Latina that" message, but it's really important to counteract the negative things kids will hear and experience. Not just from other kids, but they'll over hear some nasty things adults say too. They need to know that it's that adult or kid that is wrong, not them.
I was hoping my daughter would get my hair and we could style our hair together and I could give her little afropuffs. But hers is fine, blonde and bone straight! No afropuffs for me.
My husband is also very whitewashed, I remember when we found out we were having a girl he said that he hoped she didn’t look like him, and I knew he meant more than just the fact that DH would not make an attractive woman. But since our daughter came and she looks very much Mexican he has done a complete 180. It took having a Mexican looking daughter for him to embrace his heritage.
Re:hair. My daughter has extremely course, thick, kinky/curly hair. It has been a definite learning curve for me (DH had a Mexican fro before he went bald) Although when she was real little it didn’t matter. But by 2-3 years old I soon found out even with brushing by day 2 after her bath her hair started getting almost matted and dreadlocky. Her hair products cost almost as much as mine and I had to join groups like the curly girl method to properly learn good ideas and techniques. It is gorgeous but it’s work, and I love it and I hope she does too. But I remember my mom and I fighting over my hair and my constant desire to color, straighten (wavy/frizzy), and change it. I think that might be part of having a daughter lol.
Also, be prepared for looks or comments on occasion because as diverse as the state I live in is, my family still gets off looks sometimes or people with ignorant questions or comments. My mom is white, I am biracial, and my 1/2 sister is white. My mom married an african american man who has biracial kids. His son is lighter skinned and his daughter is dark skinned like he is. When we go out all together people have said stupid things like, oh I guess you must only be the father of this kid (meaning his daughter). His response is always light, and he says yes she is mine, and so are the rest of them. Or people have said to my Mom that she must either be a foster parent or have quite a few baby fathers. It is what it is lol. The worst thing to do is to let people know they hurt your feelings. Sometimes a snarky comment to put the person in their place is warranted but never let some ignorant jerk let you feel crappy. Remind yourself that close minded people don't get to experience the variety and diversity life can offer and they are miserable assholes.
My husband is Puertorican and I am a mix of spanish, scottish, and some other stuff. His fathers side is much darker skinned and his mom is very fair skinned so in general just looking at all of us together we are a very mixed bunch. It is a beautiful thing
I guess I am not concerned so much about it being more black vs caucasian - more so concerned that it have weird kinks that dont actually make the "natural" look good. Literally just shared a buzzfeed video on fb about things people with curly hair are tired of hearing lol.
We cant wait to meet our little one. I’m convinced they’ll get the best of both of us, looks wise, but what i really want is them to get to learn and love their blended cultures from Dia De Los Muertos and the Norse gods, to my mom’s tamales and his dad’s blackened salmon, even though my folks chided me for years about “dating within the race”. I can’t imagine life without my husband. He’s my best friend. Why would I want to give that up because he’s not a Mexican man?