Raising Biracial Babies

skatejawn27

This is something I've been thinking about a lot since finding out I was pregnant.  I'm white, and my boyfriend is Puerto Rican.  It's so important to me to do a good job at being the white mom of a biracial baby, and I'd love to hear how other moms are doing it.  I really do not want to take the "colorblind" approach, because I believe that lends itself to ignoring a lot of stuff.  I want to know how you deal with racist comments, how you keep your own biases in check, etc. etc. 

One thing I'm happy about is having my boyfriend's parents living with us.  Neither of them speak a lot of English, so that will help with Spanish-language learning as well as being closely connected to other aspects of their heritage. 

Anyway, I'm excited to see where this discussion goes!

tsa208

Hello, former biracial baby here! I'm glad you are thinking about this, because my mom (white) really took more of the color-blind approach, which would have been great if we lived in a color-blind world but we don't and neither I or my siblings were really prepared to deal with how the world really is and what we would experience. Every experience is different, but I'll share mine and you can see what may apply to you. I am half-black, half-white, but I was raised in a pretty much all white suburb. So I was one of few minorities and I got picked on a lot for it. My brothers got it worse, maybe because they were boys. Some was unintentional ("why is your skin brown? are you an Indian?") and a lot was mean-spirited (I remember a boy in 5th grade saying loudly, "well at least my dad isn't black!" and everyone laughing). It was really hard to date in high school, because people presumed you should date your race, so there were like 2 boys to choose from. I'd say half the relationships I was in (wound up dating mostly white guys since that's what was around), I couldn't meet his family because someone would have had an issue with my race. So those are the kinds of things I didn't know how to handle or expect, and my mom was pretty clueless about how to deal with it. My father, a black man who was born in the South in the 1950s, obviously had way more experience there and he really tried to make us feel very proud of who we were, but he passed away early. Overall, I'm a pretty well adjusted adult, but struggling with racial identity has been a very real thing. I never ever felt accepted in the white community and I never felt I fit in with the black community because I was raised in a white community and my mom didn't understand to try to connect me with the culture my family comes from. It would be like having a daughter and her growing up in a community that was 98% males and not ever talking to her about being a woman.

I will say, I'm 36, born in 1982 and I think the world is WAAAAAY different and much better now, but not perfect obviously. But growing up, I don't really recall ever seeing many main minority characters on TV or in movies, and that kind of gets to you, you know? You already feel really self-conscious and have low self-esteem, but then it's reinforced by the absence of anyone like you in popular media (there were some, like Lisa on Saved by the Bell, but it was more rare that you saw interracial interactions like that). So when I was old enough to find Mariah Carey, I was OBSESSED with her. I felt like, wow, here's another brown girl and she's famous and everyone thinks she's pretty, so if she's acceptable, so am I right? As a kid, you don't think those direct thoughts, but that's what's going on in your head. Fast forward to today, media is much more intentional about diversity, and I think that is great for minority kids' self esteem and self worth. As a parent, you can try to build them up as much as you can, but what they see in the world has a huge impact. And the world is becoming more reflective of society.

Interracial babies also are way more common now, so hopefully you won't get a ton of grief. My parents did, even from family about how it's wrong to do that to a child. If you have closed minded people, they may say those things - just brush it off. My grandparents were all set to reject me, but they wound up loving me (still never liked my dad though). 

I think it's great that the baby's grandparents will be so involved and present - that's a great start! And yes, have them speak Spanish to the baby! Bilingualism is an incredible gift to give to your child, even apart from the fact that it will help him/her stay closer to the culture. Good luck, and even acknowledging this is a huge step in the right direction! You got this.

skatejawn27

@tsa208 Thank you for sharing your experiences!!  The points you make about diversity/inclusiveness in media are so true.  Your comment also makes me think of a discussion my boyfriend and I had last week.

We want to buy a house next year, and we keep going back & forth about where we want to be located.  Being in the inner city part of our town has drawbacks like high property taxes, significant violence in some areas, and the school district is poor-performing in many aspects.  BUT if our kid would go to that school, there would be much more diversity and living in the city would provide other valuable lessons.  Plus, I don't like the idea of my kid being a Token Kid of Color in a classroom.  All of that said, though, being in a higher-performing, better-funded school district has a million benefits, and the diversity stuff could be made up for in other areas of life maybe? 

tsa208

@skatejawn27 That's a tough one. I'm going through the same process right now. I married a white guy and our daughter came out blonde hair, blue eyed, very fair skinned. Wasn't expecting that LOL. We currently live in Detroit, a majority black city. I want my daughter to be around a diverse group of kids and in Detroit, she's the token white kid. I don't think that's healthy either. And while there are many great schools in the Detroit school district (I've toured some of them), they aren't as good as the ones in the burbs. My husband and I haven't come up with an answer yet but we both know that having a diverse set of friends is important, however that happens. School is the easiest way, but there are other ways too as you mentioned. So many culturally-based kids clubs and activities, you will be able to find a diverse friend group no matter where you go. If you have a diverse school that's a great option, go for it, but I wouldn't let that trump academics or safety if those two needs aren't being adequately met.

I think more than anything, you will have the most impact. A minority kid can go to an all white school and deal with it just fine, if he or she has some self-esteem and is taught to be proud of what makes him or her different, instead of embarrassed. Again, my mom didn't really recognize it would be an issue and never addressed it. I never had a single conversation about race with her growing up - if I did, I can't recall it. I feel like sometimes non-minorities don't understand why there has to be a "Strong black this" or "Strong Latina that" message, but it's really important to counteract the negative things kids will hear and experience. Not just from other kids, but they'll over hear some nasty things adults say too. They need to know that it's that adult or kid that is wrong, not them.

canuckbaby

I grew up in a predominantly white small town in rural canada. And when i say predominantly white i mean the only non white kid I saw in our town was the kids of the chinese restaurant in town. I remember being at a waterpark when i was maybe 10 and there was a family clearly from (or was 1st gen canadian) some African nation. I couldn't help but stare. Considering the small town and lack of exposure to different races my parents were never racist and i dont ever recall thinking that non white was "not normal" or anything. I married a man who is half jamaican half white and hes darker in the summer and lighter in the winter since he does technically tan. I am very curious how our baby will look and which parts will be from his features and which will be mine. I consider him white washed. He didnt grow up in a black community by any stretch and we have been to more country music concerts then any other genre. We are lucky that for the most part race isnt a concern where we live but is it weird that I don't feel prepared to have a girl (if this babe is one)for lack of knowing how to handle her hair? I have extremely thick curly hair and his is coarse but mainly straight. 

tsa208

LOL @canuckbaby my mom went through the same thing. Poor woman would just spray my hair with water and try to put it in some kind of bun. I swear I rocked a bun for a fifteen straight years. My only advice is to teach her to love her hair, no matter how it turns out. It makes me sad some of the resentment towards black hair within the black community. The "natural hair" movement is strong now so a lot of women have learned to love their hair as it grows out of their head and it's wonderful! I used to chemically straighten my hair but I mostly wear it curly now and blow dry it straight every now and then when I feel like it. 

I was hoping my daughter would get my hair and we could style our hair together and I could give her little afropuffs. But hers is fine, blonde and bone straight! No afropuffs for me.

skatejawn27

I don't even know how to do anything cool with my hair, so if I have a girl child with hair like her dad I'm going to need lessons from his sisters and my black girlfriends. 

tsa208

YouTube! YouTube is your friend!

Dcwtada

My DH is Mexican and I am Caucasian (Auburn hair and DH jokes of someone asks my skin color I need to say “NA” or “clear”). My kids are still very young so comments and judgements have been limited. Our biggest issue so to speak is my middle child is fair as me and blond hair/blue eyes. He doesn’t look like his siblings and people point it out all the time usually in a nice way but we do get asked if they are related, or how we slipped a white baby in, who’s the real daddy, etc. Honestly to combat it, we have owned it and joke about it so it is that, just a joke. It’s our joke now, not rude strangers observations “must be the milkman’s baby”. DH always responds with “well then someone owes me a check” (implying child support) and that usually shuts people up. Although I will say mostly I get wonderful compliments on my kids and nobody brings it up but it can be shocking when they do. 

My husband is also very whitewashed, I remember when we found out we were having a girl he said that he hoped she didn’t look like him, and I knew he meant more than just the fact that DH would not make an attractive woman. But since our daughter came and she looks very much Mexican he has done a complete 180. It took having a Mexican looking daughter for him to embrace his heritage.

Re:hair. My daughter has extremely course, thick, kinky/curly hair. It has been a definite learning curve for me (DH had a Mexican fro before he went bald) Although when she was real little it didn’t matter. But by 2-3 years old I soon found out even with brushing by day 2 after her bath her hair started getting almost matted and dreadlocky. Her hair products cost almost as much as mine and I had to join groups like the curly girl method to properly learn good ideas and techniques. It is gorgeous but it’s work, and I love it and I hope she does too. But I remember my mom and I fighting over my hair and my constant desire to color, straighten (wavy/frizzy), and change it. I think that might be part of having a daughter lol. 

tsa208

@Dcwtada you are right about it being a part of having a daughter. Literally I would be getting my curls chemically straightened and my mom would be in the next chair over getting her straight hair permed.

Dcwtada

@tsa208 this may sound sappy but its the truth, since my daughter, the little things of me that I see in her have made me truly love parts of myself I struggled with before: the shape of her eyes, the dimple in her chin, etc. all my “faults” are so beautiful on her they make me appreciate them on myself. 

BlondePeanut

I would say to prepare to tell your child that all families are different, they may look different or have different people as the caregivers, but all families are made up of love. I have both gay family members and biracial family so as my niece and nephew got older they asked why certain family members had different skin colors or why uncle jeff lived with a man and not a wife and kids. Curiosity is normal and just be prepared with an answer that doesn't give too much info that they can't understand but explains that not all families look the same, but love is what makes a family. I think also building a strong sense of confidence is important for when racial issues may come up. 
Also, be prepared for looks or comments on occasion because as diverse as the state I live in is, my family still gets off looks sometimes or people with ignorant questions or comments. My mom is white, I am biracial, and my 1/2 sister is white. My mom married an african american man who has biracial kids. His son is lighter skinned and his daughter is dark skinned like he is. When we go out all together people have said stupid things like, oh I guess you must only be the father of this kid (meaning his daughter). His response is always light, and he says yes she is mine, and so are the rest of them. Or people have said to my Mom that she must either be a foster parent or have quite a few baby fathers. It is what it is lol. The worst thing to do is to let people know they hurt your feelings. Sometimes a snarky comment to put the person in their place is warranted but never let some ignorant jerk let you feel crappy. Remind yourself that close minded people don't get to experience the variety and diversity life can offer and they are miserable assholes.
My husband is Puertorican and I am a mix of spanish, scottish, and some other stuff. His fathers side is much darker skinned and his mom is very fair skinned so in general just looking at all of us together we are a very mixed bunch. It is a beautiful thing

carleym93

My husband is Puertoriccan and I’m half Mexican half Norwegian. We just work really hard to introduce all of our cultures to our daughter. For example, we celebrate Three Kings Day to honor my husband’s heritage. Spanish is his first language, so he is teaching her. We make foods from both sides of our cultures. I think its just important to embrace both sides and let your child know where they come from. 

ki1244

I can't relate too much to raising biracial kids, but I sure can to the unfamiliar hair stuff. DH is lily white, and by technical definitions I'm Caucasian all the way around, but my dad is Lebanese -- so I'm in the camp that didn't qualify for minority scholarships (I did have one college invite me to a dinner once on the basis of being "half lesbian" when they read Lebanese wrong in my ethnicity disclosure...sadly Mom fielded that call and not me, but we've laughed about it for the last 15 years, and needless to say I did not go to that college) but still get asked what I'm mixed with. But my hair is FULLY Arabic, and I got teased mercilessly in middle school for having an (unintentional) afropuff. I still rarely wear my hair down, and finding a stylist who knows how to cut hair like mine is TOUGH (to the point that when I found one, and she moved to a barber shop for better hours...guess where I go to get my hair cut now). So I have no advice for parents of girls with ethnic hair other than FIND SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO CUT IT and even if your daughter otherwise looks super white, there is nothing wrong or appropriating or anything to use products for black women if that's what works best for her hair. Took me nearly until my 30s to figure that out but would have made a world of difference 20 years earlier. (That, and don't brush it dry unless you for sure want her to look like Jimi Hendrix.)

canuckbaby

@tsa208 lol well i didnt get my hair till puberty. Legit straight thin hair that my mom got permed. Hit 13 and bam curly crazy hair that apparently i got from my dad (i have been told he had ringlets down his back in the 70s but my grandma hated it so no proof lol). My brother had a "fro" in grade 12 but has since lost quite a bit of hair ha. 

I guess I am not concerned so much about it being more black vs caucasian - more so concerned that it have weird kinks that dont actually make the "natural" look good. Literally just shared a buzzfeed video on fb about things people with curly hair are tired of hearing lol. 

battleangel

DH is Nordic/assorted European, pale skin, fine blonde hair and ice blue eyes. I’m Mexican, thick black hair, brown eyes, easy tan. 

We cant wait to meet our little one. I’m convinced they’ll get the best of both of us, looks wise, but what i really want is them to get to learn and love their blended cultures from Dia De Los Muertos and the Norse gods, to my mom’s tamales and his dad’s blackened salmon, even though my folks chided me for years about “dating within the race”. I can’t imagine life without my husband. He’s my best friend. Why would I want to give that up because he’s not a Mexican man?

messymyranda

@canuckbaby mine did the exact same thing. Went from straight and sort of wavy to the most god awful poof of frizzy hair in the back and curls in the front when I hit puberty that stayed for most of my teenage years. It got better eventually and now it looks nice if I put effort into it but as a teen it was a nightmare.