I posted this in the introduction thread before I saw this. STM+: What one piece of advice do you have for us FTMs as we start our pregnancy journies? Anything you wish you'd done differently? Anything that was a lifesaver that you'd recommend to everyone? Looking for the pregnancy side of things right now. I'll ask about postnatal things as we get closer to July.
You'll find birthing stories run the gamut of all possibilities, both good and bad.
For me, I chose an unmedicated hospital birth using the Bradley method. It worked great for me. No epidural, low intervention. I labored at home most of the day and got to the hospital at 9pm. Triaged at 9:30, 8cm dilated. Wheeled to L&D immediately. Water broke at 9:55. Born at 10:06 with four pushes. 2nd degree tear that required stitching. It wasn't all that bad, but I am also a former endurance athlete that is used to pain and I have a strong mental game. I wouldn't necessarily recommend my choices to everyone. You have to know what you can handle and what your body is capable of.
@cindler I wish I would’ve documented more of my pregnancies than I did. I don’t have a ton of pictures of me pregnant, and i really wish I had them to look back on. I’m making sure I take more pictures with this one.
@cindler Don't worry about having everything you need ready before the baby comes. Focus on the basics, and really on DH or family or friends to run out and get you what you may need after you come home from the hospital. I think my MIL ran out like four times that first week. I was surprised by what I thought I wouldn't want, that ended up being essential, and stuff that ended up being extremely useful that I would have never thought of (I was gifted pretty, muslin burp clothes for example - those things don't hold up all. MIL got cloth diapers, they could be bleached, we used them for so much minus actual cloth diapering.)
@cindler I would suggest really spending some good, quality time alone with your H. Go out to eat. Have fun. I love my boys with every ounce of my being but I miss the spontaneity of just being able to up and go, just H and I.
Wife. Boy mom x6. Expecting #7. Wannabe homesteader. , 💙💙💙💙💙💙
@cindler Discuss expectations with your DH before LO arrives. Ask him how he wants to help, what he wants to be involved in but also give him your thoughts on what you expect too. It can be a big shocker sometimes, even with the best dads. Things like, what time will they be home from work, what will they help with when they get home, will they help with anything at night or in the morning, do they change diapers, do they help with feedings, do you both get a weekend chunk of time to yourselves, and if so, what does that look like?
The other thing that @foodislove touched on is *stuff*. You really do not need all the stuff that the registry lists (even on The Bump) push for. Cute/expensive outfits rarely get worn and are often really hard to get on/off the baby. Sterilizers are a waste of money and space because you can do that in a dishwasher or a boiling pot of water. Bottle warmers aren't totally necessary. And even so much as a pack and play, if you need a travel bed, get something lightweight and easy to store and be prepared that your baby might not want to play in it ever.
We got rid of almost everything when DS was 2 because we were not going to have any other kids. When we changed our minds, one of the hot topics was not getting a ton of stuff again. Right now my list includes a travel crib/bassinet, a car seat, a soft wrap carrier, baby monitor, cloth diapers, a few bottles, nursing pillow and potentially a mini crib + mattress. We still have a changing pad and will probably get a bath of some sort. I plan on getting most of the clothes second hand.
@mamanbebe thank you so much for all your advice- I seriously never thought about asking my husband what he would like to be involved with, as a first time mom, these things didn't even cross my mind. I also super appreciate your minimalistic list because that's the approach I want to take but not having a newborn before, I really think to myself: what is necessary and what Is 'nice to have'?
where do you buy your second hand baby clothes? I've been looking at FB marketplace as starters.
@babyginjuly You're so welcome! The best deals are usually to be had at garage/yard sales for secondhand clothing, gear, furniture, etc, but if you have any children's consignment stores in your area, those are amazing for finding just about anything you could need in clothing, gear, toys and even some maternity wear.
@mamanbebe I never thought about children's consignment stores but I just Yelped and there's plenty around me. I will definitely check them out as I get later in my pregnancy. I mainly want to get zip up onesies and some swaddles.
My advice is what my pedi told me. Never let baby fall asleep dependent on boob, bottle, binky, or arms. It’s not easy at first, but everyone I know who has followed it has a stellar sleeper.
As as far as my birth...wowza. I had tons of headaches my whole pregnancy. I knew they weren’t normal and went to several different docs. Then I started to go blind, so they finally did a MRI. Brain tumor. (36 weeks pregnant)
Long story short, I needed brain surgery ASAP. So they induced me. After 24 hours my pitocin failed and my epidural failed. I was in crazy amounts of pain. Had a CS. Had brain surgery two days later. Baby went home with my mom.
I always laugh when moms have super specific birth plans. It’s great if you can carry them out, but so many women I know got super upset and disappointed that birth wasn’t just how they envisioned it. So, my advice would be to not be so attached to your birth plan that you are upset if it goes a different way.
And I totally agree with not needing so much stuff! I was minimal with baby stuff and I’m so happy that’s the way we went. We saved so much money and it’s simoly not necessary. And a lot of it isn’t even nice to have.
Things I’m super glad we didn’t buy: expensive baby carriers rock n play Bottle warmer wipe warmer separate changing table expensive crib (ikea all the way) Clothes (we had a lot of hand me downs and I bought a lot from our second hand store) white noise machine (we use an old iPod)
things i loved: video monitor breathing monitor bucket seat with two bases
@abnelsen22 that is so so scary, and I’m glad that even though it took so long, they finally did an MRI on you. I hope you don’t have any more issues like that this time around!
In regards to sleep dependency, I’ve never worried about how my boys fell asleep until they were 6 months or older. My first had a binky he used until 18 months, and my second often nursed to sleep. My first was an amazing sleeper, my second needed a bit more help, but they both sleep just fine now.
Regarding sleep dependency, it's all just a matter of preference. My boys have all nursed to sleep in my bed (we bedshare) for the first 6 months of their lives. All of them by 9-12mos are sleeping through the night in their own beds with no problem. But I really like bedsharing for the first few months so...
Wife. Boy mom x6. Expecting #7. Wannabe homesteader. , 💙💙💙💙💙💙
If I had to wait 6-9 months for my baby to sleep through the night I’d be in a horrible place health wise. So not having sleep dependency issues starting young is huge for me. All four of the kids who I’ve helped from birth slept through the night by 8-10 weeks.
But it’s definitely personal preference. I don’t care how other people want to deal with their kids’ sleep. I just hear a lot of people struggle with it.
@abnelsen22 it’s ia definitely a personal preference issue. It is not uncommon at all though for babies to not sleep through the night until 6 months, or much much later. Sleep training is definitely not for everyone, but my pedi doesn’t even recommend trying it until at least 6 months old. Sleep training also doesn’t mean that your baby will all of a sudden sleep through the night. We did sleep training with my second son because at 6 months he was still waking 4-6 times a night, and you’re right, sleep deprivation is awful. We got him down to 1-2 wake ups a night until I night weaned him at closer to a year.
@abnelsen22 I definitely know it's not for everyone. Just throwing another side out there. I have 4 kids, #5 on the way, a small farm to run, and a husband that travels a ton for work. This is the way I have found that I am most comfortable with and allows me to get the most sleep. Nothing to popping a boob out and going back to sleep lol! Everyone will figure out what works best for them!
Wife. Boy mom x6. Expecting #7. Wannabe homesteader. , 💙💙💙💙💙💙
+1 for doing what works for you. I bedshared a little, coslept a little, used a paci for a while, used a bottle to food coma my baby to sleep, swaddled, magic sleep suited, etc etc. There will without a doubt ALWAYS be rocky periods and of course sleep regressions, and thankfully our mom brains forget about them and how frustrating they were because here we are again. You do what you can and eventually things will even out a bit and everyone will sleep more
Third-time mama here - I don't know that these are specific questions that have been asked, but I think it's valuable info!
I *think* that no matter where you live, there are probably twice-yearly consignment sales near you. These usually happen around Feb/March and Aug/Sept, and mamas empty out clothes/toys/gear their kids don't use any more and many turn right around and use the profit to buy the next season's clothes! I saw consignment STORES mentioned, but I find these sales to be so. much. better. I've watched people drop off items at both kinds of places, and at the stores they drag in a heap of junk clothes in a garbage bag and hope to make a buck from the store. At sales, items have to be hanger-ed and tagged and they are priced by the seller. They have taken good care of the clothes, because they WANT every item to keep its resale value! (Obviously there are exceptions to both of those examples, but I have found better merchandise at sales over stores every time.)
For second time mamas - Maybe a week before your due date (or sooner if things looks like they're moving along), take your older child on a special outing. Drink in the way they look and sound and how small they are (no matter their age). When you get home from the hospital with your tiny squish, your older child will seem HUGE like they grew a foot and 20 pounds since you last saw them. Cement them in your mind before you go, because it won't ever seem the same!
@cindler My only advice for both pregnancy and after is trust yourself and do what is right for you and your family. Remember you will always be the one who knows best what you and your family need and what works for you. Everyone will have opinions and suggestions about everything. Just because someone has been through pregnancy or parenting before doesn't mean they know better. You always know best when it comes to your family:)
An 8-10 week old baby should not be expected to sleep through the night, at that age they still need to eat every 4 hours or so. My biggest advice about sleep is do what works for you- co-sleep, room share, nurse to sleep, whatever. But don’t set unreasonable expectations, every baby is different and it is very normal for a baby to want comfort like a nipple or someone holding them to fall asleep. Your baby’s comfort and security has to trump your own need for a good nights sleep.
Me: 35 H: 35 Married: 4/5/13 "You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I will always love you. That's where I'll be waiting." ~Peter Pan
*TW*
BFP #1: 11/12/12 EDD 7/25/13 Baby boy: 7/27/13 BFP #2: 10/29/17 MMC dx @ 9 weeks BFP #3: 2/2/18 MC 2/7/18 BFP #4: 3/2/18 MC 3/9/18 RPL testing and hysteroscopy: all normal BFP #5: 4/1/18 MMC dx @ 14 weeks ----> genetically normal girl Hysteroscopy to remove scar tissue 9/28 BFP #6 11/5/18 EDD 7/20/19 Rainbow baby girl born 7/23/19 BFP #7 12/8/2021 EDD 8/22/2022
I would highly suggest all FTMs to read up on the 4th trimester.
- you can't spoil a newborn - they don't cry to manipulate you - on the flip side, it's perfectly OK for you to put the baby down and let it cry for a minute while you shower, eat, or just take a min. -there's so many "right/wrong" ways to every little thing. Find what works for you and your baby! If there was a magic method or product that worked for everyone there wouldn't be so many dang books, options, etc. -Even as a 5th timer there will be a learning curve for me and this baby. It's a little person with its own little personality and needs. No two babies are identical. Not even siblings. Which is why what works for one may not work for another.
Wife. Boy mom x6. Expecting #7. Wannabe homesteader. , 💙💙💙💙💙💙
@asupernovablizzardstorm I'm blanking on the age of your DD right now but I would suggest adding a few activities, toys, and snacks. Coloring books, books, maybe a doll so she can have her own baby? I put together a box for my oldest when #2 was born and these kind of things really helped when I was busy nursing the baby and couldn't get up and entertain him.
ETA. Special cup.
Wife. Boy mom x6. Expecting #7. Wannabe homesteader. , 💙💙💙💙💙💙
This is my favorite consignment sale, hands down. They hold them all over the country, so check to see if something is local. Basically moms dropped off stuff they don't want, and this group organizes it and holds a sale over the course of 3 or 4 days. It's huge but highly organized, which is why I like it better than mom-to-mom sales where you have to go seller to seller. Too time consuming!
If you want to shop first, it's like $15, then $8 for the next day, and then free, and then on the last day most things are half off (if I recall correctly and looking at the site, each location is different and mine is on the high end of admission prices). The $15 ticket is totally worth it if you want a signature item (I really wanted a CityMini stroller, and got one for $85) or if you just don't want to deal with crowds. I have always found such amazing deals (like a Rock n Play for $15) and it's nice to get everything in one place. I am pretty frugal, but it's fun to dress my little girl up and I'm able to get really cute outfits that I'd just never pay full price for, for a handful of dollars.
@tsa208 this is great! there's one around me in mid March. There's also one in late May but I'd rather not be waddling around. It's going to be perfect timing to start preparing for baby.
@mamanbebe thank you so much for the response! I'm not a big "stuff" person and so my plan is to try and avoid all the extra, unnecessary things. Thank you for including your list of must haves. I'm going to take note of those things to try and keep me on track!
Re: Ask a STM+ November
You'll find birthing stories run the gamut of all possibilities, both good and bad.
For me, I chose an unmedicated hospital birth using the Bradley method. It worked great for me. No epidural, low intervention. I labored at home most of the day and got to the hospital at 9pm. Triaged at 9:30, 8cm dilated. Wheeled to L&D immediately. Water broke at 9:55. Born at 10:06 with four pushes. 2nd degree tear that required stitching. It wasn't all that bad, but I am also a former endurance athlete that is used to pain and I have a strong mental game. I wouldn't necessarily recommend my choices to everyone. You have to know what you can handle and what your body is capable of.
Baby GIRL born 9/16/201
BFP! EDD 8/1/2019 CP 4w2d
, 💙💙💙💙💙💙
The other thing that @foodislove touched on is *stuff*. You really do not need all the stuff that the registry lists (even on The Bump) push for. Cute/expensive outfits rarely get worn and are often really hard to get on/off the baby. Sterilizers are a waste of money and space because you can do that in a dishwasher or a boiling pot of water. Bottle warmers aren't totally necessary. And even so much as a pack and play, if you need a travel bed, get something lightweight and easy to store and be prepared that your baby might not want to play in it ever.
We got rid of almost everything when DS was 2 because we were not going to have any other kids. When we changed our minds, one of the hot topics was not getting a ton of stuff again. Right now my list includes a travel crib/bassinet, a car seat, a soft wrap carrier, baby monitor, cloth diapers, a few bottles, nursing pillow and potentially a mini crib + mattress. We still have a changing pad and will probably get a bath of some sort. I plan on getting most of the clothes second hand.
@mamanbebe thank you so much for all your advice- I seriously never thought about asking my husband what he would like to be involved with, as a first time mom, these things didn't even cross my mind. I also super appreciate your minimalistic list because that's the approach I want to take but not having a newborn before, I really think to myself: what is necessary and what Is 'nice to have'?
where do you buy your second hand baby clothes? I've been looking at FB marketplace as starters.
As as far as my birth...wowza. I had tons of headaches my whole pregnancy. I knew they weren’t normal and went to several different docs. Then I started to go blind, so they finally did a MRI. Brain tumor. (36 weeks pregnant)
Long story short, I needed brain surgery ASAP. So they induced me. After 24 hours my pitocin failed and my epidural failed. I was in crazy amounts of pain. Had a CS. Had brain surgery two days later. Baby went home with my mom.
I always laugh when moms have super specific birth plans. It’s great if you can carry them out, but so many women I know got super upset and disappointed that birth wasn’t just how they envisioned it. So, my advice would be to not be so attached to your birth plan that you are upset if it goes a different way.
Things I’m super glad we didn’t buy:
expensive baby carriers
rock n play
Bottle warmer
wipe warmer
separate changing table
expensive crib (ikea all the way)
Clothes (we had a lot of hand me downs and I bought a lot from our second hand store)
white noise machine (we use an old iPod)
things i loved:
video monitor
breathing monitor
bucket seat with two bases
In regards to sleep dependency, I’ve never worried about how my boys fell asleep until they were 6 months or older. My first had a binky he used until 18 months, and my second often nursed to sleep. My first was an amazing sleeper, my second needed a bit more help, but they both sleep just fine now.
, 💙💙💙💙💙💙
, 💙💙💙💙💙💙
I *think* that no matter where you live, there are probably twice-yearly consignment sales near you. These usually happen around Feb/March and Aug/Sept, and mamas empty out clothes/toys/gear their kids don't use any more and many turn right around and use the profit to buy the next season's clothes! I saw consignment STORES mentioned, but I find these sales to be so. much. better. I've watched people drop off items at both kinds of places, and at the stores they drag in a heap of junk clothes in a garbage bag and hope to make a buck from the store. At sales, items have to be hanger-ed and tagged and they are priced by the seller. They have taken good care of the clothes, because they WANT every item to keep its resale value! (Obviously there are exceptions to both of those examples, but I have found better merchandise at sales over stores every time.)
For second time mamas - Maybe a week before your due date (or sooner if things looks like they're moving along), take your older child on a special outing. Drink in the way they look and sound and how small they are (no matter their age). When you get home from the hospital with your tiny squish, your older child will seem HUGE like they grew a foot and 20 pounds since you last saw them. Cement them in your mind before you go, because it won't ever seem the same!
Married: 4/5/13
"You know that place between sleep and awake,
that place where you can still remember dreaming?
That's where I will always love you.
That's where I'll be waiting."
~Peter Pan
*TW*
BFP #2: 10/29/17 MMC dx @ 9 weeks
BFP #3: 2/2/18 MC 2/7/18
BFP #4: 3/2/18 MC 3/9/18
RPL testing and hysteroscopy: all normal
BFP #5: 4/1/18 MMC dx @ 14 weeks ----> genetically normal girl
Hysteroscopy to remove scar tissue 9/28
BFP #6 11/5/18 EDD 7/20/19
BFP #7 12/8/2021 EDD 8/22/2022
- you can't spoil a newborn
- they don't cry to manipulate you
- on the flip side, it's perfectly OK for you to put the baby down and let it cry for a minute while you shower, eat, or just take a min.
-there's so many "right/wrong" ways to every little thing. Find what works for you and your baby! If there was a magic method or product that worked for everyone there wouldn't be so many dang books, options, etc.
-Even as a 5th timer there will be a learning curve for me and this baby. It's a little person with its own little personality and needs. No two babies are identical. Not even siblings. Which is why what works for one may not work for another.
, 💙💙💙💙💙💙
Edited to add she's 6
ETA. Special cup.
, 💙💙💙💙💙💙
If you want to shop first, it's like $15, then $8 for the next day, and then free, and then on the last day most things are half off (if I recall correctly and looking at the site, each location is different and mine is on the high end of admission prices). The $15 ticket is totally worth it if you want a signature item (I really wanted a CityMini stroller, and got one for $85) or if you just don't want to deal with crowds. I have always found such amazing deals (like a Rock n Play for $15) and it's nice to get everything in one place. I am pretty frugal, but it's fun to dress my little girl up and I'm able to get really cute outfits that I'd just never pay full price for, for a handful of dollars.
https://www.justbetweenfriends.com/home.jsp
An example of what it looks like: