Mental Health 9.24-9.31

kayjay44

bhou

I went to cook dinner, couldn't find a pan to roast the potatoes in....absolutely break down. 45 mins of ugly crying. This might be a tough few months for me. 

kayjay44

DH and I had a huge fight last night - I can't keep working the hours I work, carry the mental load for the family, pay all the bills, do all the shopping and planning, scheduling activities, etc while pregnant. My mental health is suffering and I will have a breakdown. The point of my taking this job was to allow DH to step back from his job some and he's done that, but he just sits around and watches TV or plays video games rather than getting shit done. 

bhou

@kayjay44 that can be so stressful, I know what you mean, getting home after working 9 hours and jumping into housework and everything can be so overwhelming when I just want to sit down and watch TV and not think about things for a bit!

This is our first so right now, i'm just imagining how things will go with a little one 

BourbonBiscuits

@kayjay44 that sounds so frustrating! Do you think he heard your frustrations/will make some changes to help more? 

kayjay44

@bhou - It's definitely hard when they are young until you get into a rhythm, but it happens. I regularly work 12 hours a day on a normal week - this week will be more like 14-16 a day. Then when the weekend rolls around I'll have to get shit done that he didn't do all week - cleaning, laundry, shopping, meal planning. It's just not sustainable when you have two kids already who get stir crazy, you've just worked an 80 hour work week... Oh and you're pregnant with HG.

kayjay44

@BourbonBiscuits -  I think so, but it seems like we have this fight almost every month because he picks it up and then starts sliding again. I get that he has his own mental health stuff going on (who doesn't?), but I can't do this by myself.

ohsunnydays

@kayjay44 that totally sucks. I’m sorry. Not to jump in, but I told DH we might need to a chore schedule. I don’t like the mental load of the chores ... or chores. But it’s gotta get done. 

episcowitch

I feel you @kayjay44 My partner stays home and is in charge of the domestic duties as I work 10+ hours a day. However, I constantly have to pick up the slack a bunch of the time and do the emotional labor of easing his conscience when he realizes I'm essentially doing both jobs. 

It is exhausting. 

etnyah

+1 on the emotional labor. We don’t even have kids yet and I’m still the designated household manager. Yesterday we went grocery shopping, while I was getting everything on the shopping list (that I wrote), H disappeared for 10 minutes. Came back with nothing but a box of donuts.

Also, since he’s taken over cat litter duty, the litter box is nasty. He doesn’t clean it properly, just scoops the top part and doesn’t even sweep up the litter around the box. Whenever the box isn’t clean enough, kitty will poop on the living room carpet. Guess who has to clean that up in the morning? If this baby dies of a brain parasite we’ll know who to blame.

sjnsjnsjn

@kayjay44- omg I would definitely be over it and blow my top if I was doing all the work in and out of the house and home slice was watching TV and chilling.  BIG BAG OF NOPE.

becks_726

The mental load of the household is something I've been thinking about a lot. I think we've actually had a fairly good distribution up until now but I can already feel that that is going to change with a child. I'm struggling to figure out how to prevent that, and in the process expending even more energy. Right now I'd love it if DH took on the planning/researching of at least one aspect of all this but that seems to require more effort on my behalf that it would save me in the long run. 

kayjay44

My biggest advice to those without kids is get this worked out now. It's really hard to take care of yourself (and your mental health) when you're too busy taking care of everything else.

etnyah

That’s a good idea @kayjay44. I know he’s willing to do stuff, but he hates being told what to do and how to do it, so I’ll have to figure out a way to actually communicate and allocate chores. Like, it’s been easier for me to just sweep the cat litter instead of telling him he needs to do it, because if I say something he’ll take it as an insult and not do anything, reasoning it with “well why should I do anything if if I do everything wrong anyway?”. I swear it’s like I already have a child sometimes!

kayjay44

@grebretso - Amen - and I don't need 4 children.

sjnsjnsjn

One thing I have learned is that unfortunately, he's not wired to just take on some of that load without having it flagged for him.  I have had to identify imbalances and ask him to step up and take charge of area x y or z whenever I became fed up with said issue.  It's really annoying but at least once I identify it and make it "his," then he takes that on and it's not mine anymore.

becks_726

Oh wow @grebretso I have heard those exact words. Beyond aggravating! This isn't a case of me being needlessly picky.... 
My solution has been to have no problem dumping stuff on him that plays to his strengths and luckily we complement each other well, but that obviously has its limits. 

etnyah

@becks_726 right?? I don’t understand. I don’t feel like I’m being nitpicky by not wanting the entire bathroom floor to be a litter box or to have cat shit on the living room carpet. Do they genuinely not see these things?? 

becks_726

@grebretso I actually think they don't in lots of cases. But your litter box situation seems really really obvious.  Is the pregnancy concern about cat litter about the poop or the litter itself? Because you should not be the one dealing with that at all! I'm annoyed for you!

Eta: typo

etnyah

@becks_726 I don’t actually think I’m putting myself in danger, I never touch the crap and I always wash my hands thoroughly immediately after, but it’s annoying. To be fair, he does stuff around the house too. It’s just things I see as obvious, he does not. That kind of stuff will cause friction if you don’t handle it correctly, and I hate that I feel like I need to tip toe around those subjects in order to not hurt his feelings, on top of dealing with the brunt of it myself. I guess that’s why they call it emotional labor. 

danixbanani24

Me and DH have the EXACT same fights.  Who’s pulling what weighT around the house.  Usually me...he does do a lot but he also slides and I have to lay into him.  Our therapist actually suggested making a chore list like you do x and I’ll do y for when the second kid comes.  I already send the laundry out to be done and get a cleaning lady twice a month so I don’t think it’s hard for DH to empty the fking garbage cans every now and again 

episcowitch

Mine feels like he isn't noticed for what he does and deliberately stops doing things to see if that gets noticed. If I notice the issue and take care of it myself or shrug and move on, he'll say ''oh, I can't believe I failed to do xyz. I'm so horrible at domestic stuff. I should be better." That leaves me to either  make him feel better about it or say yeah that needs some work, but you'll get there [that pisses him off  ]

I honestly don't have the bandwidth to notice and complement every time the bathroom trash gets emptied. 

etnyah

@episcowitch and I bet he doesn’t praise you whenever you do a chore either. That’s where the double standard is. You’re supposed to just do it because... we’ll just because. But if he does it, he’s doing you a favor and you better notice and pat him on the head! Ugh.

episcowitch

@grebretso We had a discussion. He had a choice. I took an executive level position only because he was going to work full-time as the primary caregiver/domestic management. I am totally cool with cleaning, I just want him to clearly state his needs and timeline. 

I'm a freaking Virgo! Tell me what you want from me and a due date and it will get done. I have no time or patience for divination. 

etnyah

@episcowitch yeah, if he knows you’re the main breadwinner and you had a discussion about it, he needs to get the household stuff done. That kind of passive aggressiveness is just childish. Good thing we have a place like this to vent!

cmjenkies

@kayjay44 are we the same person with the same husband? 

kayjay44

@cmjenkies quite possible. 

conchispita

@kayjay44 same boat, except right now I’m only at 10-12 hrs, don’t know how you do it.

My solution in the past has been to sign up for a meal service and hire a cleaning service. DH does pay the bills, so when he starts complaining I’ll point out that I don’t have the time/energy, so he can do it if he doesn’t want to pay someone else to.

Its annoying to pay someone else because they are unwilling to just get stuff done, but whatever- I’m over fighting about it.

danixbanani24

My DH also uses the line “but you’re better at xyz than me”. The HELL I am...get to work! Lol

hnbergeron

@kayjay44 I'm sorry he is being that way! I hope it gets better. 

@grebretso my husband was doing the same thing for awhile. I didn't want to sound like a nagging wife so I used my pregnancy to my advantage. Even if I knew he did it, I would ask him if he did because I smelled something and it is making me sick. He would go back and do it right ever since he caught me puking in the kitchen(no relation to cat box). 

So far this week is a good mental week. Only issue is I am trying to figure out how to communicate to my husband that he seems to be growing around the middle as fast as I am. He works as a carpenter and we have a treadmill. He is eating larger portions and drinking his beer slightly more.  I don't want to be mean and I am not asking for washboard abs, just for him to not look more preggo than me when he was the fit and healthy one! He said he was struggling walking up a hill one day at work. Then he says he has no time to work out, but he has time to play video games?? Color me confused. Men 

kayjay44

@hnbergeron - can you guys do active things together?

hnbergeron

kayjay44 said:

@hnbergeron - can you guys do active things together?

I would love to but our schedules are very opposite and physically I am unable to do alot. I was doing more before I got pregnant but I can't anymore. I am not overweight according to my doctor but I have a hard time breathing, joint and muscle pains. Always have. Doctors don't have any explanations. We were going to go hiking this summer but I was in and out of the hospital so much we never did. Great idea though!

kayjay44

I'm sorry, lady. That's a tough spot to be in - I've never found a good way to address it either.

kayjay44

I was triggered more than I anticipated I’d be by today’s events - I vacillate between blind rage and wanting to have a panic attack and cry. 

sjnsjnsjn

@kayjay44- Ditto. Something so similar to what she described happened to me in law school, and instead of my usual prego nightmare as part of my insomnia, I woke up just now thinking about that and crying.  So many women I know are in that space right now.  

BourbonBiscuits

@kayjay44 @sjnsjnsjn same. I spent all night having nightmares about abusive ex. So that was great. 

sjnsjnsjn

And of course none of those F'ers are up at night thinking about what they have done. Arg 

kayjay44

I woke up today furious. I need to step away from the news and I really really need a break from work - FX I don't have to work at all this weekend.

etnyah

I’m happy to be at work because it’s the only place nobody is discussing the events. I can’t go on Facebook, and even my busride home people were talking about it. It just makes me so mad. And he’ll get away with it, like they always do. Fuck everything. 

kayjay44

@grebretso - Working for a liberal software company, it's top of everyone's minds at work. So no escape for me.

etnyah

@kayjay44 We have a good mix of very liberal and very conservative people, so politics and current events are never discussed or things go sour quick.