I was not one of those people who dreamt of having kids my whole life. I never liked children that much. I've never been around kids since my brother and sister don't live in state and I never see my niece and nephews. It certainly wasn't my game plan but I do admit I thought about it from time to time. People always told me I'd regret not having one and I guess part of me believed them. Ha ha. Anyways, life wasn't perfect but it was going along okay and then I found out I was pregnant. I was 40 years old and not married to the father. In fact, I had just recently found out the bastard was married to someone else and I'd ended it. Then a week later those two lines appeared and my world has been forever changed. He wanted me to have an abortion and in the beginning I thought I would. After all I'd be a single mom with no friends. I didn't feel I had the support I needed to have a child but I didn't want to have another abortion. I had one in my twenties. I was a mess back then so I had good reason to. This time I struggled with the decision throughout the entire first trimester. I even scheduled an abortion but I didn't go. Instead of following my gut instinct I started listening to other people in my family. My mom told me I should go for it and that I might regret not since this was kind of my last chance. My sister told me I should keep her and that it would give my life a sense of purpose. She said I wouldn't be alone all the time anymore. What a bunch of crap that all was. This sucks royally. Can someone please tell me what's good about this? Now, I understand there's women out there who can't have children and they get very upset when a woman who can complains about it. I'm very sorry to those women who struggle with infertility and I cannot imagine feeling like I was meant to do the one thing I can't do. That being said, do I not have the right to hate motherhood just because I can do it and someone else can't? That theory doesn't hold water. Why can't we regret becoming parents but we can regret every other life decision we make? This is certainly the biggest decision anyone could make in their life and I think we should be allowed to regret it. We can regret husbands, career choices, drug use, and basically everything under the sun besides becoming parents. That makes no sense to me so I am admitting it: I absolutely regret becoming a mom. This was supposed to give my life some sort of purpose? As far as I can see the only purpose I have from 6 a.m. until 8 at night is keeping a tiny human from screaming. Whether it's that she's wet, hungry, tired, bored or just gassy it doesn't matter because the entire day is focused on just keeping her from screeching like a stuck pig. And I do it. I'm not laying here while she's in her own filth in the other room screaming her head off. No she's right here doing tummy time on the play mat in front of me. Too bad it gives me zero satisfaction compared to the work it takes. Yeah she's starting to smile but half the time you don't know if it's gas and she doesn't do it enough to make this worth it anyway. My days and weeks are one big blur of laundry, spit up, shit, puke, bath time, storytime, tummy time, and whatever else it takes to keep her from screaming. Wow. What purpose. Suddenly life has so much meaning. Anyone out there who isn't sure if they want to become a mom my advice is don't do it. Just don't do it. You lose every ounce of freedom you ever had. Even running to the store for what should take a minute becomes an hour-long chore. Need milk? Get ready to pack up that baby, after feeding and changing of course, the diaper bag, and whatever you do, do not forget the pacifier. I did that once and that will be the last time. Now you get to drag that heavy ass car seat into the car and baby is usually freaking out by now. After you're sure she's safe you hurriedly run around to the driver's door jump in and start rocking that car no matter if it means you drive into a wall. Anything to keep her from screaming. But that's just the beginning because now you actually have to go into the store. I never knew what hell shopping could be until I had a newborn. Now I'm that person in the checkout line with a screamin-demon in my cart. I never wanted to be that person. Why did I do this? I wake up everyday and cry my eyes out. I've never been as depressed as I am now and I've never felt so trapped. When you become a mom you lose yourself completely. Suddenly your only purpose is to keep another person alive and your own needs become neglected. Soon you look in the mirror and wonder how long has it been since I showered? Anytime I sit down to eat she starts screaming so I've given up on eating. On the upside I've lost my pregnancy weight and more. On the downside I have a baby. I'm not sure this scale is balancing out. Being with a baby is like being alone so all that "you're not going to be alone all the time anymore" is bullshit. In fact, being home with a newborn is more lonely than not. I feel completely cut off from the world. Out of pure exhaustion I've stopped even leaving the house unless it's completely and utterly necessary. Meaning the cupboards have to be bare and the fridge empty for me to get the strength to go out. Even then it's a struggle. Luckily she's not eating solid food yet so my cupboards being bare doesn't mean I'm not feeding my child for anyone thinking that. And do I love her? I guess so. I certainly know it's my responsibility to care for her and I do. However, I worry that I don't have the mental capability to do this for the next...well umm... forever. Forever. Just think of that when considering motherhood. I know people will think I'm a pariah for being honest about my feelings but feelings aren't something one can control. Feelings just are. I hear it gets better. I'm not so sure about that. For some women it's instant love and gratification and for others I don't think that ever happens but we just can't admit it. I'm accepting my new fate and letting go of who I once was or could have been. Now all I am is Mom.