Relationship Issues

keikilove

Ok ladies, this is the thread where it
gets real. I’m not sure why, but no one talks about the well-researched fact that most breakups/divorces happen during the first year after a child is introduced into the relationship. This is a safe place to share any relationship challenges we may be having. 

keikilove

I’m the breadwinner in my family while my husband has been a stay-at-home dad. This isn’t what either of us wanted, it was out of necessity. I’m so upset because I was a successful single mom for years & years, well-educated, making good money, having a full social life, and being very selective about who I settled down with. I thought that once I finally met the right one, I’d finally get to stay at home with my future babies or work part-time while my new love provided for us (just when my future babies were babies, not forever).

Instead, my hubby (who is so wonderful on so many levels) stuck with a commission-only job where he was barely making ANY money. I put my foot down (after we had no money for a whole year) when he refused to try something new. I very sadly decided I needed to go back to work when our DD was just an infant so we wouldn’t be broke all the time. We moved back to my home state so I could do this and have family support. My hubby pulled his weight by being an excellent dad, taking on all the housework, and continuing to apply for jobs in his field. His industry is limited here and he hasn’t gotten a job in two years. 

Now our DD is old enough for preschool, I’m paying over $1,000 a month for her to go, and he’s still insisting on sticking to his career even though he hasn’t made any money at it in over 3 years. He says we need to move where there are opportunities for him, even though we don’t have the money right now to move cross-country again. I HATE my job due to my horrible evil boss and I’m willing to do anything else, including take a pay cut to be able to leave my current job. My husband is insisting I stay because we won’t have my very good income if I leave. I’m sure we could make more with our combined incomes if he would just go get a damn job doing anything!!! 

I’m at my wit’s end. This is my third high-risk pregnancy, I can’t afford to deal with the stress of my current work situation day in & day out, and now it’s the stress of my home life too. This is kind of a vent, kind of a “any solid advice?” post. Thanks for listening, I just needed to get that out. 

Kenneylynn3

@keikilove I don't have any advice, but I'm sorry you are stuck in this position. I wish you the best with this dilemma, as I once was at that point too, so I understand how difficult and frustrating that can be. 

mamakate1616

@keikilove ug, that is tough. Have you guys/he considered counseling? Knowing absolutely nothing about the situation, his firm reluctance to do anything new seems like a fear of rejection. Maybe a career counselor could help him see how his existing skills/experience could parlay into a different field. The economy is hopping right now so there’s no better time.
Further, I know you already have a full plate but a relationship counselor might be able help you communicate your feelings before you reach full-on resentment and things blow up. *hugs*

violetmarie61516

I'm not even sure what to post in this thread lol.  "Complicated" is the only thing I can think of.

@keikilove I don't have any advice but I do know completely how you are feeling. Your situation sounds so much like how my life has been. I hope you can find some resolution and be happy with it.

zionsmama85

Thank you for this post @keikilove i am have issues myself. i am sorry i dont have anything to contribute. i agree with Mamakate on the counselors. At least that will give you a neutral ground to talk to each other about your fears and concerns. 


 I am worried me and SO are going to be the people who do not make it through this pregnancy as a couple. He is not being understanding, and last night he told me that i already had an "attitude" before i got pregnant, so he is "letting my grouchiness slide, but if i keep snapping he is going to snap back"...so thats great to hear. i havent even been that bad tbh, like, i have been trying to be nicer to offset how gumpy and uncomfortable i actually am.  i dont feel very emotionally supported because he wont even look up any symptoms of pregnancy such as moodiness or food cravings/aversions, so he thinks everything is an exaggeration. to be frank, its starting to piss me off. I was sick the first 10 weeks so didnt want to have sex and he thinks im withholding to be mean to him. 
i started going to therapy to work on some things with myself and she invited him to come so we have been talking to her and trying to work on our communication, but i dont know how much it is helping, but for ME to realize that i maybe should have been out of this relationship a while ago. we love each other, but im not sure how compatible we are...so this is gonna be an interesting next 7 months. 

brookepdavis

@keikilove I'm sorry you're going through this. I agree that counseling is a good first step. It would give you neutral ground to bring up the really tough issues and work through them. I'm the breadwinner in my family too and it took DH and I a really long time to get on the same page because this is not how either of us pictured our married life with kids. We've worked through it mostly, but finances continue to be something we have to talk about regularly to stay on the same page about our goals for our family. 

@zionsmama85 I'm sorry your SO is snapping at you like that. Communication is tough. I'm so glad he's coming with you to therapy. To your point, if nothing else, this can help give you clarity for what's next for you. If you are able to work things out for the future, that's wonderful. If that's not the direction that's right for you, hopefully the therapist can continue to work on communication with both of you so you can coparent successfully.

Hang in there mamas! Relationships are tough. Having kids tends to shine a light on some of the worst aspects of our relationships.

keikilove

Thank you all so much for your kind responses. I feel a lot better just knowing I’m not the only one who’s ever experienced this. Thanks for commiserating @Kenneylynn3 and @violetmarie61516. 

@mamakate1616 You gave me a new perspective on this whole situation. I hadn’t considered the fear aspect for my DH. Career and Personal Counseling both sound great right about now. I’m making appointments today. Thanks so much to both you & @brookepdavis for your words of wisdom.❤️

@zionsmama85 It sounds like you’re on the right track with counseling—at least he went with you! I wish you the best. As someone who had to leave my first love during our first pregnancy because he was so disrespectful on every level (and make the tough choice to become a single mom) I can tell you that in my situation the following years of trying to co-parent with him proved that it was the right choice to leave. If you end up down that path you will be ok, the universe will provide for you & your babies. I will be praying for you & your relationship.

zionsmama85

@keikilove thank you! make sure you keep us updated too. i really appreciate it. I have a 9 year old from a previous relationship and his father died when he was about 4 months old. We also were split up when i was pregnant so this is my first time being in a relationship and being pregnant and its a lot. I don't have a lot of fear about single parenting, since i have been doing it, but you know we all hope for the happy ending. i hope that your appointments go well! 

novelblessings

I just wanted to post my experience after we had DD. When I got pregnant DH was a big ol jerk about everything, because he realized he didn’t want to be a dad yet. I ended up taking on the stay at home mom gig for two years because DH was very uninvolved in any care of DD. We grew apart and when DD was 3 we separated for 5 months and I moved out. I even filed for divorce during the time, it was not a fun time. 
But it was probably the best thing that ever happened to us. We both started counseling and then ended up getting back together and going to counseling together. 
Adding a LO is hard on everyone and it’s a huge change. It really challenges a relationship too. Counseling helped me make the decision to stay in my marriage and it was a very good decision for us. 
We both have fears about this time as repeating history, but we have learned a lot from having DD and we’ve grown a lot in the past 5 years. 

zionsmama85

@novelblessings thank you for that. Me and mine has been participating in counseling and it has been a help to see where he is coming from, as well as me being able to say how i feel without him feeling like i am "being emotional"....its definitely a huge change and adjustment for sure

keikilove

@novelblessings thanks so much for sharing your experience. It’s super encouraging!!! Ccongratulations on coming out even stronger after those challenging times. I hope it’s all smooth sailing for you and your partner this next time around. (My husband and I celebrated when we survived the first year—I just didn’t think it would continue to be so hard for so long.) 

After my blowup the other night about his stubbornness we didn’t speak for about 24 hours. Today he told me about two more jobs he found to apply for that are *slightly* outside his comfort zone but still close enough to his field of expertise for him to feel excited to apply. And, thank you Jesus, they are salaried instead of commissioned jobs! Praying one of these works out and soon. He also said that if he gets one of them he fully supports me leaving my current situation. So a lot of his holdbacks were based on fear of not having stability, but he didn’t realize how unsupportive it was coming across to me. It’s not all rainbows and sunshine yet, but at least today I’m hopeful for a shift....

novelblessings

@zionsmama85 @keikilove You are welcome. I hope the best for you both!