Depression?

apesmagapes

Hello, I'm almost 22 weeks pregnant with my first. People keep telling me that the second trimester is the best and you feel so good and excited for baby.... I'm not feeling it. I'm not sick anymore so that's good but all in all I am not enjoying pregnancy... I just want to be not pregnant. I'm not super excited for baby to come... I think about baby sometimes but it's mostly with fear that I won't feel how everyone says they feel with baby. Like I won't love it enough... I haven't told anyone that I'm feeling this way, I have a great husband and family support. I've just been waiting for the magical joy to come, but it's not coming and I'm scared... 

kns1988

I'm sorry that you're struggling. This is something that you should speak to your OB about. Post-partum depression can affect people even before the baby arrives, so you may already be dealing with that. You can take medications like Zoloft during pregnancy (I do), and it can be life changing for your mood. It's also normal to not enjoy pregnancy! You're not the only one. 

MrsDho11

kns1988 said:

I'm sorry that you're struggling. This is something that you should speak to your OB about. Post-partum depression can affect people even before the baby arrives, so you may already be dealing with that. You can take medications like Zoloft during pregnancy (I do), and it can be life changing for your mood. It's also normal to not enjoy pregnancy! You're not the only one. 

I second this. I’m on Wellbutrin from PPD with my first, and it is also considered fine to take during pregnancy. Absolutely talk to someone now. Please.

kmvisioli

Agree that it would be good to talk to your OB. Also just want to encourage you that not everyone feels the instant overwhelming "in love" feelings for their baby, and as long as you are generally feeling like yourself and coping okay, that can be normal. I hope you find what helps you bond!

apesmagapes

Thanks everyone, I will talk to my doctor! I didn't know ppd could start in pregnancy, also helps to know that it's normal to feel this way. I do generally feel myself I think I'm currently just disappointed/nervous that I'm not feeling extra good like people say happens at this point... but I can definitely see it developing into ppd when baby comes so I will start figuring it out now with my doctor! Appreciate all of your words

merostomata

Sorry to hear this @apesmagapes. You did a great thing to admit you are struggling, and wishing you the absolute best. Your OB can certainly help connect you with resources including prenatal/postnatal counseling and discuss pregnancy safe medication which can really help :-). I’ve been seeing a counselor since the end of the first trimester and it’s really helped to work through issues and not feel alone.

greenhillgirl

apesmagapes Let us know what your doctor says and how it goes. I also have serious depression and also take medication during pregnancy.

It's also ok if your depression doesn't require meds but you see someone for therapy and keep an eye on it. Can you find one person IRL to confide in who will check in with you? Like a non-judgmental friend? 

Anytime hormones shift I get depressed and I felt some a few weeks ago around week 18. I think as the progesterone decreases because baby gets more from the umbilical cord your hormones change again and it can make you feel depressed.

Take care of yourself and try to do some kind things for you. 

dragonette505

apesmagapes i am not depressed, but i can DEFINITELY relate to not enjoying pregnancy and having a hard time connecting to emotions about pregnancy. I have hyperemesis so I'm still sick so that's part of it. I just don't feel pregnant, i feel like i have a chronic disease. I didn't have a sense of wonder when i first started feeling the baby move, just a sense of: what the heck you doin in there! I definitely don't think I'm having your textbook joyful pregnancy, but at least in my mind i didn't worry because i know everyone has a different way of experiencing things. Ive had a little bitterness that I'm not getting to "enjoy" the experience the way i "imagine" everyone else is. But for all i know everyone is having some sort of struggle just like me.
Ive spent much of my pregnancy just wishing it would be different or that it would go by fast, but i am trying to see the benefits, like getting used to the idea of the new person on the way.
I do hope your doctor can make some suggestions and offer meds if needed, but just know that youre not alone in not having a picture perfect experience. Us being able to express this together can be so helpful... who knows how many girls are feeling what you are and haven't said anything.

kianarain

@apesmagapes +1 on the therapy train! I'm all aboard. I've struggled with anxiety most of my adult life and (classic anxiety) have been getting so much anxiety about the potential of PPA/PPD. I found a therapist who specializes in transition to motherhood/PPD & PPA and we've been touching base every couple weeks just to keep a pulse on how I'm feeling. It's been so comforting to know that I have someone in my corner for post-pregnancy, and just knowing that I'm as prepared as possible for what may come.

@dragonette505 in my session last night we actually touched base on the "shoulds" that come with pregnancy. "I should be enjoying this more" or "I should want to document this more" - even though I don't want to, I feel guilty knowing that others do and I'm not. It's so important to recognize that everyone is on an individual journey and the best thing for you is to do what you're comfortable with. It's hard not to compare ourselves to others, when the reality is no pregnancy is the same.

As other ladies have said, I commend you for coming forward and urge you to share w/your doctor and keep us in the loop. We're here for you  

dragonette505

kianarain yeah, I try not to judge myself or the experience too much, but i admit, when these apps tell me I should be feeling energetic and at my best, i get a little twinge of bitterness. Or when they talk about how much i should be enjoying all my non existent cravings I'm a little bummed i don't get to indulge in my (stupid) dream of making my husband fetch tacos in the wee hours...so stupid, but when you have all these preconceived notions of pregnancy and the reality is nothing like, it can be something of an adjustment just to find your compass. I can only imagine with the added layer of sadness how much more challenging it can get. 
I have so much respect for people who are having to manage this.

kianarain

@dragonette505 ugh, I feel that! What gets me is the "extra libido" thing... I just feel so bloated and uncomfortable in my body that I am nowhere near my usual drive, let alone extra. And hearing it from everyone else makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong because I just don't have that. 

My therapist said (verbatim): "if everyone said what pregnancy was really like, no one would have kids and we would be extinct." Lmao, soooooo true. I think it will be easy to romanticize after the fact, but for now it's nowhere near the "glowy"/"magical" experience I heard about.

dragonette505

kianarain I totally agree! I think people who have a harder time also probably hide it more because theres just such a pressure to be "perfect". Ive actually recorded some vids to document my personal truth... not sure if/how i will use them, but i just kept wondering if someone else out there was feeling like this and would feel comforted to know they are not alone...

tosh24

@apesmagapes The ladies here have given lots of good advice, so I am chiming in just to commiserate with you. I thought everything was going to be rainbows and puppies once I got pregnant, but that has not been the case. I am detached and anxious and just want time to fast forward. I have run into lots of ladies over the years who have flat out admitted they didn't enjoy pregnancy or even hated it, but they love their children so I'm holding onto that hope. I am so nervous that the detachment will linger postpartum, but I'm trying to have faith that the pieces will fall into place. I do have a therapist that I was seeing regularly so if I feel that things are getting worse, I will definitely go back. I don't deal with depression but I was diagnosed with OCD years ago and keeping my anxiety and obsessive thoughts in check is a daily struggle for me and pregnancy has made it all much worse. Someone once told me that the fact that I was worried about my  feelings and my attachment to baby and what kind of mother I would be *was* showing that I would be OK because a bad situation would be not caring at all. That made me feel better. Good for you for being in tune with yourself and being open to seeking help

wkuandrea

@apesmagapes (and @dragonette505 and @kianarain and @tosh24) I relate all too well to all of this. It makes it extra hard that my sister is 800 months pregnant with #3 and never complains -- never threw up with any pregnancy, just loves being pregnant, etc. Our mom is... un-mom like, crazy in a nice way, definitely someone you would not talk to your pregnancy about. I like my MIL, but would feel pretty weird confiding in her (DH is an only child and they waited forever to get pregnant, so I'm sure she thinks pregnancy is a magical journey). Like a couple of you mentioned, I just feel like I have a chronic illness at this point (which I actually do, so it's hard to distinguish the feelings sometimes). I'm tired of being sick and tired. I've wanted children so badly for such a long time, it's hard to reconcile hating this part of things with wanting and loving your baby. Also, for many of us, we are pregnant after loss or trouble conceiving, so it's even MORE guilt about how we don't feel more joy or more excitement or gratitude. Most days I am somewhere in between exhausted from being sick and worried about everything turning out ok. Like a lot of other posters said, I also have anxiety and take Zoloft to help manage -- but it's a different med than I normally take and I'm having a rough time adjusting. 
TL:DR -- you're not alone. We are all gonna make it through this. It's normal to not love being sick. 

dragonette505

wkuandrea girl YAAAS re: post loss and ttc struggle and feeling less able to share because nobody wants to hear "pregnancy sux" in your "I tried so hard to get pregnant group". 
@tosh24 such a good point about hating pregnancy but loving the child... Ive heard that as well. I'm just now starting to have some feeling of connection or just emotion at all and I'm more than halfway through!

greenhillgirl

kianarain love the comment on the shoulds and also @wkuandrea after ttc struggle. I should be enjoying every minute, I shouldn't be complaining at all, I should be so grateful I finally got pregnant, I should be doing prenatal yoga once a week and am a horrible person for skipping it.

We are all just doing the best we can and feel how we feel and it is so hard to remember that. 

sweetyjenj

@apesmagapes from a therapeutic perspective (I'm a therapist) even seeing a therapist can be beneficial without medications. If hormonal, depression, or anxiety then medications can help to alleviate the symptoms until you don't need them anymore. However, our society puts a lot of pressure on pregnant moms to feel a certain way or do certain things, and this stress can be overwhelming when we don't feel like things aren't going according to plan. Having a professional to talk to about these things alone can be super helpful in feeling better.

From a personal perspective, I totally didn't feel the way I thought I should right away with DD, and this time around I feel even more disconnected. When DD was born I felt love for her, but it wasn't all consuming or overwhelming like I heard everyone talk about. I remember my MIL asking me only 2 WEEKS after she was born, "I bet you can't imagine life without her now, huh?" and I was like, "I remember what it was like without her, and it was nice, but this is nice, too." I just felt kind of blah about it. yes I loved her dearly and she was my baby, but I also felt like I could have been fine if it never happened in the first place. I felt bad I felt that way, but then heard from several others that it was similar for them, but they didn't talk about it because it's different from what they THOUGHT they SHOULD be feeling. I hate that "should" part!

When your expectations are higher than reality, this can cause a lot of anxiety. Do you normally have anxiety? Anxiety can be made worse during pregnancy from hormones and the added stress of the life changing event we're facing. Definitely find someone you can talk to about this, whether a professional or a friend.

beachmama14

Let me say as someone who does not enjoy pregnancy that your feelings are totally normal! This is my third and I never really feeling attached or bonded with baby until they are born. I don’t seem to have any problems after delivery, so for me I think I just hate being pregnant and am so relieved when it’s over! Just because you aren’t a glowly pregnancy unicorn who sings songs to your belly, doesn’t mean you won’t be able to bond with your baby later. In my experience the pregnancy and the actual baby are such different experiences, that they are pretty separated in my mind. 

skilouise

I relate so much to those who have talked about not enjoying pregnancy.  Pregnancy sucks. I had no idea just how rough it would be. I'm grateful for the chance after years of IF, but between the IUI and IVF, and now pregnancy, I just feel like my body hasn't really been fully "mine" for years.  I'm so tired of feeling exhausted and broken, and of the relentless freaking itching that is slowly driving me insane.  I just want time to speed up so this can be over already.

sweetyjenj

@beachmama14 I'll second what you say about the separate experiences! When I see little baby's these days I think "I can't wait to have a baby" but I don't think "I already have one and he's growing inside me."
I've told people it's like growing a tomato plant....I've planted the seed, I water and fertilize the plant, I'm watching tomatoes grow, but otherwise it's just there until it's time to harvest. Outside babies and inside babies seem quite different, even though they are the same person.

dragonette505

AshVA  Sometimes i wish i could just sleep till the baby comes and then voila! After 7 ivf cycles and 2 transfers and etc there is a certain resentment about feeling so awful when you worked so hard to get here. The fatigue, the nausea, the discomfort. I am grateful to be here, but not having fun at all. Not enjoying it like one would hope. Always worried that my body may fail me again somehow. And especially at this point knowing if anything goes wrong now it will be because my body messed things up. Is it any wonder its hard to connect to the baby at this point? 

galactickates

You guys... I thought I was totally alone. 

I have a confession and i'm scared of being judged because I want a baby so badly,  but pregnancy makes my skin crawl sometimes.  When I sit back and think about that there is a person growing inside I'm repulsed. I'm not really feeling a ton of movement maybe that's why, but i'm also scared to feel more and what i'll feel about it.  I want a baby,  not to be pregnant.  Then with barely having a noticeable bump, I just can't get my mind to connect and I feel like this terrible person for feeling this way.  Because i'm excited to have a family.  The pregnancy part is freaky

skilouise

@galactickates No judgment here at all. I didn't start feeling regular movement until very recently, and I have mixed feelings about it. Sometimes it's cool, sometimes it's annoying/ distracting, and sometimes it's just really freaky.

greenhillgirl

galactickates I bet it's not that uncommon! Every time I look at my nipples which have weird yellowish crust on them I feel nauseous. And my belly button starting to change also makes me ill to look at. Sometimes I feel like I'm growing an alien.

dragonette505

galactickates  I almost wanted to suggest a thread for those of us who are hating the physical and emotional aspects of pregnancy (but i would hate it if ppl didn't understand and said rude stuff to us).
Part of the reason we call the baby "the alien" is i feel a bit like I'm in the movie Aliens and ive got some creature in there taking over my body. That's what i meant about the movements not making me feel anything but weird. I'm getting used to it, but for real, it is weird.
I have been slow to connect too, but with greater movements it just makes me more aware of the other person living in me. I think once we get both our babies and our bodies back to ourselves as single occupancy residences, I think connecting with the baby will be easier.

galactickates

@dragonette505 - When I think about a baby swimming around in my ute it seriously freaks me out.  

Also I would love that thread,  and I had the same thought about being shamed For our feelings but I feel like I can stand up for myself and others if that happened.  I mean it's absolutely insane to think every person who wants a family loves being pregnant.  I don't feel that these two things are mutually exclusive or even realistic.  I'm allowed to feel this way. 

I watched Whitney Ports YouTube series last year before my last loss and it was called I love my baby but I hate my pregnancy.  I sooooo relate to her now that i'm further along.  It was nice to see that it's ok to feel this way.  

CoastieGirl79

@dragonette505 @galactickates and all the other ladies chiming in about disliking pregnancy: I'm glad you spoke up. I feel guilty for having the same feelings. I don't enjoy being pregnant at all. I just brought our trash cans back to the house, which is a couple minute walk. As I was walking to get them and then walking back I was thinking how disconnected I feel from this pregnancy. I felt the same way with my son. I don't enjoy any aspect of pregnancy, and, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for it. 

To the OP: your feelings are completely normal. There is so much pressure put on a woman during pregnancy to feel and act a certain way. Those norms are antiquated and create, in my opinion, an unrealistic picture of what pregnancy should look and feel like, as opposed to what it actually is. 

mtengl

I have mixed feelings about feeling the baby move now... I have sensory issues and for the most part I handle it well but I have days when it becomes too much to the point my hair even bugs me. But now I have a baby moving to add to that. I am always relieved to feel her cause it means she is still there but some days it becomes too much and it is just starting.
I also have always suffered from anxiety and depression and I went off my medicine to become pregnant. I am having bouts again and trying really hard to control it. I am looking forward to the baby coming and time off work to be with her but at the same time I have so much anxiety about stepping away from work because I am still new to the job and worried issues will arise while I am gone. I also have a lot of anxiety about family visiting because I really like to have personal space and down time with just my husband.

dragonette505

Im so glad this conversation got started... I was sure there must be more of us suffering in silence or feeling alone!

MrsDho11

I love this thread so much.

dragonette505

@CoastieGirl79 it’s amazing to know you felt that way last time yet you were able to do it again! It shows what we can do

stasiapsmama

Hi ladies! So glad I came across this thread. You're all sounding similar to me and each other and that's really comforting!( I hope to you all too) This is my second, so at the very least I can cling to the fact that I know when it's over it's a different, less my-body-is-being-taken-over- by-an-alien type of difficult (although early breastfeeding can be a bit similar until you get used to it). I also had really convinced myself this time would be oh so much better cause I went into it more healthy. No such luck. Definitely more depressed, in weird ways, less energetic, more sick for longer, food is sooo stupid,  plus now watching a preschooler when you wanna puke all the time is completely bananas. I want to say here with no shame, I HATE being pregnant, but I LOVE my daughter and expect to love my son (eventually) too! Therapy is really helpful too. 

UnbreakableKimmySchmidt

The hardest part for me with DD1 was postpartum. My body didn’t look the same pre-baby, there was milk dripping everywhere, a baby that always needed to eat...all that to say, it definitely takes some time to feel like “yourself” again even after pregnancy. Give yourself grace and just expect that you might not know how to process how you feel and that’s ok. Talking through changes with a professional, a friend or your spouse is very helpful!

CoastieGirl79

@dragonette505 thank you. 

galactickates

I really love this thread too. It's really nice to be able to talk about this stuff and be supported and not berated. Thank you guys for making me feel not so alone

AliKay20

I agree - no judgements here on how you feel. There are so many stereotypical expectations when it comes to pregnancy and even postpartum (ex: oh! you are gonna lose that baby fat once you start breastfeeding!! - This type of shitnanigans got me thinking I was the weird one out holding onto everything until I weaned). 

PPD/PPA can actually start during pregnancy and the feelings are all too real. OP, hope you can talk to your OB about this.

I also love that no one here is flaming anyone for feeling these things. For those of you that really feel miserable and just not really enjoying being pregnant - it is completely OK to feel this way. It will NOT come across like you’re taking it for granted. I think we def should have a thread on the difficult days of our pregnancies (whatever that may be) and not be afraid to share our fears and worries. 

beachmama14

I know some people struggle a lot PP as well, but for me even with breastfeeding and leaky boobs and a sore vag I still felt so so relieved and a sense of freedom. Sure I may only get 10-15 min of hubby holding the baby before she needs me again but that brief time that it is just me and my body again is always so refreshing for me. And just knowing that the worst of pregnancy and delivery is over and things are improving every week instead of getting harder does wonders for my mental health. All that to say, some people still struggle a lot PP but for some it really does start to get better right away! 

dragonette505

@stasiapsmama we’re you sick last go round too? (And did it ever go away)? I feel like if the sickness would relent I’d be in a better place, but im not holding my breath.
i watched a friend go through early breast feeding and it did look a lot like the hard bits weren’t quite over, if you know what I mean. 

mtengl

I am still getting sick and the midwife took pity on me and prescribed zofran. It has helped and that has helped some with my mood too because I wasn’t getting really depressed always being sick

sweetyjenj

@beachmama14 I'll second what you said! PP still had it's woes, but my body was finally mine again. I could eat or drink what I wanted again (since I was nursing I just had to make sure i had milk in the fridge if I chose to drink, but still, the option to drink was MINE!) and daily showers were GLORIOUS. i usually hate taking showers, but that time during maternity leave I took one every day. All the sweating at night, the nursing and leaky milk (milk is sticky!) and the spit up..once DH got home from work, he got DD and I got to take a hot shower or bath all by myself. Glorious.

mtengl

@sweetyjenj just the idea of a normal bath sounds amazing. I haven’t taken one since very early on in the pregnancy because I feel like complete crap in the evening and a lukewarm bath just isn’t worth the energy.