Mental Health Check-In (8.20-8.26)

kayjay44

BourbonBiscuits

I’ve been feeling pretty steady lately, but in the sermon at church this past Sunday our pastor talked about how when we’ve lived with something bad our whole lives sometimes we compensate so it feels normal. That really struck a cord (chord?) with me for some reason. I’ve lived with undiagnosed depression and anxiety my entire life - I was only recently (like last 5 years) diagnosed with what my psychiatrist said was some of the most intense anxiety she’s ever seen, particularly considering how well I can hide it. She likened it to being a functioning alcoholic. But I’m so exhausted from hiding it, and from people not believing me when I open up about how much I struggle. So I’m going to start taking control of it again. I was medicated for a few years and felt awesome (awesome enough to leave an abusive relationship!) but went off my meds because I convinced myself my symptoms were situational. Spoiler alert: they are not situational. They are chemical. 

kayjay44

@BourbonBiscuits I’ve had a similar road to where I am with my OCD/anxiety today. I hide it well, which is exhausting and not healthy and for me, while CBT helps, medication makes the biggest difference. I’ve come to the conclusion I’ll likely always be medicated. It’s a life long condition brain dysfunction and it wasn’t until I started treating it a such that I made major headway in treating it. Good luck and know we’re here for you!

notthecheat

Looking for serious input please. Has anyone with depression EVER gotten to the point where you actually love life?

I've had depression since as long as I can remember. It was very subtle as a kid. I wouldn't say I loved life but I certainly didn't hate it. Maybe I just liked it. Since about fourth grade it slowly went downhill until about 19 when I reached my breaking point- daily suicidal ideation, self-mutilation, could barely function, etc. That's when I first sought professional help. It's gotten a lot better since then thanks mostly to meds, and I finally reached a point where I could function and then reached a point where I felt normal. Normal, but with depression.

My idea of normal is I can function and I don't feel suicidal urges. I don't feel overwhelmingly sad, but I mostly feel nothing and sometimes I feel really sad. There are times when I enjoy myself, but I don't think I've ever been happy to be alive. For the most part I'd rather not be alive because life sucks, but I keep going because there's really no other option. The difference now is that I'm able to get through the day to day stuff. I thought not being happy with life was normal, especially for someone with a history of major depression. I thought this is as good as it gets for us. But recently I was told bluntly by friends to see the doctor. So now I'm second guessing.

I've been on a lot of different meds and high doses to find that 'magical' combination that works for me. So I figured this is as good as meds can get. Counseling and psychotherapy have always only made things worse. I'm so sick of "trying" different things/meds, and I really don't want to go through that again if it's not going to work anyway. But actually not hating life would be amazing.

I'm just wondering, is that actually possible? Or reasonable?

jessier19

@notthecheat I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. It sounds so painful, and really debilitating.

The state you describe as normal does sound to me like chronic, ongoing depression. Depression that you've been able to improve with the help of medication and hard work, but depression nonetheless. And for what it's worth, I think you should be able to want and expect better than that. There are many people out there (myself included) who have been lucky enough to move from depression toward a position of being able to love life. 

It sounds like you've worked hard on this in the past, and it's possible that you're just in the very unlucky place of having depression that current medical science can't improve past the place you've gotten to. If that's true, that's terribly unfair, but even if things don't get better than this for you for the time being, perhaps you can take a little comfort in knowing that what you're going through isn't normal and that your suffering is real. I personally get terrible chronic migraines, and after lots of work seeking medical help I concluded that current medical science can't do a whole lot for them in my case. For me, it still helps to know that that pain isn't normal. Partly just because it gives me license to feel sorry for myself, and partly because it gives me hope that medical science will be able to do something for my migraines in the future.

Regardless, it does sound to me like it might help to speak to a doctor. I do think you have a right to expect better than what you're currently experiencing. Perhaps if you tell a doctor that counseling and psychotherapy have only made things worse in the past, they'll be able to recommend a form of counseling that will help you better (there are so many different kinds of counseling out there). Perhaps doing some looking around to find the right therapist would help?

And finally, I hesitate to bring it up because a while back some drive by mentioned meditation as if it was some kind of magical cure-all (it isn't), but it isn't on the list of things you say you've tried... so... have you tried meditation? There is real medical evidence that for some people it can do a lot to help alleviate depression. 

I guess it's always just a matter of trying another new thing to see if this one actually helps. In any case, I hope you can get the help you need. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

kayjay44

@notthecheat - I’ve got some input here but it will be hard to type out on my phone. I’ll come back to this when I get to work. 

notthecheat

@jessier19 thanks. I've tried meditation but I just don't have the patience for it. I end up getting more frustrated. I've also heard you have to ''believe" in meditation for it to work and as much as I want to, I can't force myself to not be skeptical. If all else fails I go lie in bed and try to sleep and that's the closest I can get.

It's a matter of mentally weighing the effort/energy/emotional toll of trying yet another thing with the possibility/probability of it working and to what degree. I use most of my reserve to get through day to day as it is so I don't have much to spare. And I've already tried so many things I'm very skeptical and reluctant to try any more. Yeah, it sucks to prefer to not be alive or have to go through life but I'm able to get through it and I'm holding on to my ability to do that, especially when I know from past experience it can be so much worse.

jessier19

@notthecheat I can understand that. Meditation certainly isn’t for everyone, and regardless, throwing new things at a problem you’ve already tried so hard to solve must be so exhausting. Dealing with doctors and counselors is already a special kind of depressing in itself. I’m really sorry to hear that you’re having such a hard time. 

conchispita

@notthecheat I’m sorry your feeling like this, that’s how I felt through all of my 20s. I didn’t hate life so much as hated myself. In my case it took a traumatic breakup, tons of therapy, and going to the gym religiously to get out of that. (I worked out because it made me feel good, not to lose weight or to hit some goal)

It sucks, but you’ll find a solution that works for you. You are not alone, depression is a bitch but it can be overcome, don’t give up 

BourbonBiscuits

@notthecheat first of all, all the hugs. I felt that way for almost my entire life (up until a few years ago), and I don't even know what changed for me so I don't have advice to give in terms of "oh you should try this!" because you've probably already tried it

I know I still have a long way to go (my anxiety is still all consuming and a daily struggle), and I don't think anyone's ever "cured" of depression or anxiety in the way you're cured of the flu or a broken arm. I think it's something we live with and cope with. While it's an imperfect comparison, I liken it (in my mind and to my extended family) as being similar to addiction. Even after being sober for 20 years, an alcoholic is still an alcoholic. I'll have depression and anxiety for my entire life, period, end of story. Sometimes it goes into remission, or sometimes I'm able to go for days and weeks and months without having a panic attack, but I always know that piece of me exists. I absolutely understand the feeling of just needing to get through the day and not having the mental energy to investigate other means of treatment - I think you can forgive yourself of that and let it go. I found it best to write a list of things to do "when I had the energy." Included on that list was silly stuff like cleaning out my closet or reorganizing baby clothes in storage, but also important things like finding a new psychiatrist or scheduling my dentist/eye doctor appointments. That list helped me release myself from the anxiety/depression about not being able to do anything extra to help myself. It also helped me stay organized when I did have good days so I could take advantage of them.

Regardless, you are not alone. Big hugs if you want them

notthecheat

Thank you everyone ❤️ it helps so much to feel like I'm not alone

megpants209

@notthecheat you’re definitely not alone both in your feelings and in the skepticism and frustration of trying new things. I once had someone describe the effect of depression as a tiny voice in the back of your mind telling you that nothing will work. I loved the clarity of that description because it’s so true. Giving you lots of virtual hugs because it’s hard enough on an ideal day, let alone when combined with pregnancy. 

kayjay44

Ok at work and I can sit down and put my thoughts together - You're definitely not alone in this. 

I've absolutely had times where I love life. 

Looking back, I've struggled with my mental health as long as I can remember. I grew up in a family where mental health wasn't acknowledged as a real thing - I wasn't able to get help until after college and even then, I didn't really have a full understanding of where my mental health was and what truly taking care of it would entail. *TW* It wasn't until after my brother took his life almost 5 years ago that my parents started to take my issues seriously and recognize that this is something we simply cannot ignore and pretend is a non-issue. I've been medicated for the last 4 years and have come to terms with the fact that this is a long term, chronic issue for me caused largely by a chemical imbalance in my brain and will require some kind of treatment for the rest of my life.

Despite being a psychology major with a focus in biopsychology, I'd never been a therapy fan. General talk therapy never felt like it did anything and it often made my anxiety and OCD worse which would then worsen my depression. After my second was born, even on medication, my OCD flared up like crazy - it got to the point that I spent the entire hour drive to work sobbing because I couldn't shake the feeling that DS was going to be eaten by a shark - at a daycare over 2 miles from the water. It was then I knew what I was doing wasn't enough - I worried every time I used a knife that it would fly out of my hand and stab him; when I was carrying him, I worried I would trip, fall on him and crush his skull... This was a constant thing and it never went away. I decided it was time to get more substantial help and saw specialists who deal with pre and post partum mental health and was almost hospitalized, but ultimately was able to do an out patient program. It was through this that I was truly introduced to DBT, CBT, EMDR and a number of other therapies that I find so much more effective than regular talk therapy. These actually help give me tools to use in the real world to help me manage my issues.

I would say that seeing a doctor isn't going to hurt. Finding a specialist/psychiatrist is going to be your best bet and is going to truly be the most beneficial. Getting through the day to day stuff, while that's great, isn't really any way to live - there is something better and that's what you deserve. It's absolutely possible and reasonable to be happy and mentally healthy. It's not like a light switch, something that goes on and off - it's more of a dimmer switch. You absolutely have to work at being mentally healthy but that investment is probably one of the best things you can do not only for you but for your family. 

I'm always here to chat about this kind of stuff - you're not alone.