When should my mom come to help?

amb910

My husband and I live far from our immediate family. My mom is planning to come from across the country to help when our baby is born. We haven't set a date for her to arrive yet and I'm trying to decide whether we should have her come a little before my due date so she can be here for the birth, have her get on the next flight whenever I go into labor so she could potentially still be here for the birth or immediately after, or have her come after we've been home with the baby for a few days. I'm on the fence about having her in the delivery room -- I think it might mean a lot to her, but I also think it might be more special for my husband and I as a couple if it was just the two of us. I'm thinking the same thing about having her here as soon as we bring baby home -- maybe it would be nice for my husband and I to have a few days to ourselves? 

Originally we had discussed having her come about a week before my due date, but if I go overdue she could be here 2-3 weeks before the baby is even born and honestly I think we'll get sick of her by then, so I'd rather have her show up closer to the birth or shortly thereafter. She'll be staying in our house -- we have an extra guest room.

My husband will be home with me for the first 3 weeks, so we could wait and have my mom come after 2-3 weeks, so then she could be here to help me out when my husband goes back to work.

Any advice?

[Deleted User]

For starters, I would check with the hospital.  Many will not allow anyone besides ONE birth partner i.e. spouse, usually, and possibly a licensed doula.  If she comes out ahead, thinking she can be there in the delivery room, it just may come as a surprise if she actually can't. :/

yosemite2018

Personally if you aren’t sure you’d want her in the delivery room I would have her either fly out when you’re in labor/after you deliver or around when your H goes back to work. It just depends how helpful she is and how long she can stay. For example, my mom is insanely helpful (will come over and do dishes without me having to ask, put laundry away, etc.) but she is also local so I can send her home at the end of the day. If you are ok with her waiting a few weeks and want to maximize the amount of help you have, I’d plan on having her come a few days before YH goes back.

nackie

I think it depends a lot on your relationship. My mom and I are really close and even so I just wanted me and DH in the delivery room. But she came in to visit and meet DS literally minutes after he was born. But since she’s local, she could also go home, so DH and I still had plenty of time alone with baby. 
If it were me, I’d wait til I went into labor and have her book a flight out for sometime the next week 

smsaulino

If you're close to her and know that she'd actually help around the house and/or drive you to appointments or such, it might be super helpful for her to arrive after your H goes back to work. I'm not super close to my in laws but they're still wanting to fly out when my little one arrives. My MIL I know won't be helping around the house, but my H will be off the two weeks that they're here so he'll be used as a buffer while my FIL helps H around the house. 

MandyMost

I wanted my mom in the delivery room with my first, and would love it if she could be there for this one too. I wanted all the support I could get!

But honestly, I think of you have any doubts over whether you want her there, you probably shouldn’t have her there. 

If shes super-helpful and self-sufficient and good with boundaries and giving you space I’d have her there as soon as baby is born. Otherwise I’d have her come when your husband goes back to work.

lilidubs

We've had a hard time deciding also, but settled on my parents coming a couple of weeks after the due date so we're sure the baby will have arrived by then. It would probably be nice to have some help right after the birth, but it also sounds really special to just have it be DH and I for a little while... 

JLyn821

Personally, I wanted nothing to do with anyone besides my H to be in the delivery room. DH stayed home from work for the first week and a half or so. His first day back to work was my mom’s first day at our house. Granted, we live in the same city and now just 2 miles apart since they moved a couple years ago. So she’d visit during the week my H was home anyway. But once DH was back to work, she came everyday that week and kept up with house stuff and made us dinner every evening. 

I wanted more help after DH went back to work. Depending on how long your mom plans on staying, some overlap might be nice, but I’d opt for her coming after your H goes back to work. 

MrsBigTime

My mom isn’t local, but she’s been about 4 hours away with my two babies. I didn’t really want anyone but DH in the actual delivery room, but I did find that I wanted my mom to meet my baby very quickly after birth - which was totally hormonal! 

She came the day after we got home both times, and she was helpful around the house, especially when we had DD2 because she was a great help with DD1! I loved having her here, but to be totally honest, I kind of wanted it to be back to our little family quickly. She stayed 2-3 days and then went back home and came back a few weeks later.

If her staying one solid chunk is the best option, i would suggest she come 10 days - 2 weeks after birth, that way you can come down off the hormonal wave a bit and you and hubby can really bond with baby before having to share him/her.

i am a firm believer that the most important way to support new parents is to help them to bond with their new baby and if any guest in your home can’t see that their role is to make the rest of life less burdensome so you can focus solely on baby then they should not be welcome for more than a few minutes in the beginning.

crispy11

It's hard because it's so relationship dependent.  My mom is my best friend (and we lived with her for 3 years of our marriage recently) so she has been to all of my births. She wasn't allowed in the OR for my first since it was a c-section but she was there as the second person in addition to H for the other two.  Meanwhile, my MIL lives 7 hours away and while she's nice she's not as innately helpful to me... mostly because of the relationship, nothing to do with her personally.  I am planning to have her come to help some time either at the end of H's 3 weeks off or after he goes back to work so she can hopefully help me with the 3 older ones while also meeting and bonding with the baby.   (My MIL would love to be super helpful. For my second she actually arrived the day we came home from the hospital, but it was just a little too much too soon for me.  I prefer to be more recovered before having her around full time.)

Lcardinal04

Agree with @crispy11 that it’s completely relationship dependent. You also need to realize that your hormones will be out of whack for a while. I found that caused me to feel stifled as husband and I tried to find our way, and family members gave well meaning advice.

jessicag85

My mom is coming a week after our LOs due date.  She has to schedule the flight and I figure that's the best way to ensure she will be here when the baby is here, since my doctor won't let me go a week overdue.  The way things are looking he will probably be a week or so early, but I am good with that.  For our first LO my parents just drove when I was in labor and got to the hospital after she was born.  (I didn't want them in the room anyway, and they were fine with that.)  But now my parents are divorced and my mom can't drive the nine hours by herself.  So that's what works for us.  But it's all really about what is going to work best for you.

DanyTargaryen

Definitely situation/person dependent.

Do not want anyone in the hospital with me for the delivery except MH. DNW anyone staying at my house with us after we get home either. I much preferred my quiet days of just me and the baby after MH went back to work - even with him going back to work Monday after we got home from the hospital Thursday.

Granted my parents and ILs are both only 20 minutes from us so they could come visit and leave, but even if they had to travel to get to us I'd probably have asked them to stay with other family or in a hotel.

ashh2018

Our families all live on the opposite side of the country - we moved out here almost two years ago. My parents are flying out a week before my due date (eek they’re coming next week!) and staying for four weeks. FIL is coming next week as well but staying a week. This will be the first grand baby for everyone. I do not want anyone else in the delivery room but I am looking forward to having help cooking/cleaning/etc. No one is staying with us since we have a 2bd apartment and our guest room is a nursery now! But my parents are staying five minutes away in an air bnb in town. 

Totally up to you and depends on your relationship and the length of time people can stay. 

mrsman2018

If your husband is taking a few weeks off, I would tell her to come just before he goes back. 

Car0liiine

Depends a lot on your relationship so I'll just give you my personal opinion. We quickly limited family visits directly after DD's birth. We really valued our time just the three of us while DH was home. We needed to learn how to be parents without to many outside influences. I would think the most helpful time for your mom to come would include the first few days when your DH goes back to work. But I get that some moms might have hurt feelings about waiting that long to meet the baby.