Life after announcing pregnancy

mamaescalona

Hey so I’m wondering if any of you have experienced strange differences at work or with friends since announcing your pregnancy? 

Granted Im 26 and for most of my friends, I’m their first friend to get pregnant. But at the same time I feel like 26 is a super common age to start thinking about a family. 

Ive noticed a few changes that honestly, are making me pretty sad. I have friends who are treating me differently, as in barely talking to me or not inviting me to do things with them anymore. Not my closest friends but it still hurts. 

I have one girl at work that I felt like I was friends with. She knows about my previous two miscarriages and she knew right away when I found out that I was pregnant this time. This pregnancy is doing so much better than any of my passed pregnancies. I thought she’d be happy for me but she’s almost stopped talking to me altogether. She criticizes my job and I think she’s talking about me at the office because another girl is starting to criticize me with her. I know I’m doing well at work, my supervisor has told me as much. 

Today she was talking about this huge barbecue that she throws every summer and who was invited. I was in the room but she was talking to everyone but me. (We all have our own cubicals) 

How do I handle this? Should I just let it go and say nothing? Am I being too sensitive? 

kayjay44

I had my first at 26 (DH was 30) and we definitely noticed changes like this when we had our first - we were the first to really have kids out of any of our friends. Since we've had kids, we have mostly made new friends in all honestly. People who were willing to drop us for having a kid weren't worth our time - we still speak to a few pre-kid friends, but mostly, we hang out with our friends with kids. 

BourbonBiscuits

DH and I were both 26 when we had our first too. Lots of friends dropped off the face of the earth (some because they turned out to be jerks and others because they didn't understand why we couldn't/didn't want to be out at bars until 2am anymore), but the ones who stuck around were worth it. I think on another thread (telling work or pregnancy announcements I think?) we were just talking about people treating you like a vessel rather than a human - I think that happens really frequently too. Some people who aren't parents can struggle to relate to parents as human beings I think. Again, there are plenty of people who will stay in your (and your kid's) life, but I wouldn't fight too hard for the ones who want to leave, if that makes any sense.

lzzfrancisco

I hope I don't excessively rude and bitter when I write this. It's more about my asshole old friends than about OP!
I was 28 when we had out daughter, but we were actually more of the last few to have kids.  My coworkers and friends absolutely treated me differently, and created an awkward difference. 
I since have new coworkers, and mainly new friends, but I'm still annoyed and hurt about it. I really tried to keep the connection going with some of my oldest friends, but after a couple events I was blatantly left out of (including a wedding), I took the hint and cut all ties. 

mainemama_

I got pregnant with my first at 20 (totally planned). H and I figured since we were already married why not start young so we can enjoy our older years. I lost a lot of friends. But one thing I remember my MIL telling me is that you’ll make new friends. The parents of your children’s friends will become people you talk to most often and it’s SO true! My DD has made several friends in pre school and some of my closest friends are her friends parents! It’s a hard pill to swallow with so many changes happening at once but it will all work out

disneybaby84

I had my first child at 32, so technically I was old. My close friend was cool about it while i was pregnant, however once my son was born, her attitude was very standoffish, negative, uncomfortable and our relationship has been weird ever since. I think she's done with me simply because she is choosing not to have kids, which I have never voiced a negative opinion towards. I met with her privately to tell her that I'm pregnant again. She's been a bit more friendly this time, so who knows, but I'm not counting on her staying my friend,

kayjay44

32 is still young here (Seattle area). As a 26 year old mom, I was treated like a teen mom - despite being happily married with a great job and owning a home. Most people I know are AMA with their first. But, my kids will be out of the house before I'm 50, so everyone can suck it.

PurplePoppy424

I got pregnant with our first when I was 26, too. I was absolutely treated differently by coworkers and friends. My best friend was the best about it and we’re probably even closer now that we have kids. Her and I are actually pregnant together this time. 

I’ve lost other friends, though. Looking back now, I don’t really even miss them. If they couldn’t support us when we decided to start a family, they weren’t really our friends anyways. We’ve made more friends now and honestly, I think they’re better friends. We’re all there for each other and we’re all more like family than just friends. 

My former boss was probanly the worst out of all of them. She became terrible when I got pregnant the first time around. She’s the sole reason I didn’t go back after my maternity leave was up. The idea of having to work under her with two children was vomit inducing. I’m sorry you’re going through this. 

etnyah

I’ll be 30 with my first, and I’m the first of my friend group to have kids too. However, I already moved 5000 miles away from my friends a few years ago, so it’s not like having a baby will make me see them less since I already never see them. A lot of H’s friends has kids, but their kids are older, so I hope I’ll make some new friends around here with kids close in age to mine. 

Since I moved away, I went through the phase of losing friends already before having kids, and it does suck. Thankfully I do really well alone and rarely feel lonely. It’s encouraging to see that it’s common to make new friends when you have kids though! Hopefully that’ll happen to most of us FTM’s here too.

kayjay44

@grebretso - My biggest piece of advice is do PEPS! I may do it again with this LO, but haven't decided. And you can come hang out with me if you don't mind two asshole toddlers 

megpants209

@disneybaby84 hey now 32 is not old!   

We’re definitely on the older side of the spectrum for having kids

etnyah

@kayjay44 I’d never even heard of PEPS, I looked it up and it looks perfect! Thanks for the tip!

And I might take you up on hanging out! Toddlers will just prepare me for the doom that is the reality of my future, so I should probably hang out with as many as I can (lord have mercy)  

hannahbananas11

One point from the other side: a lot of women get tons of shit about not wanting to have kids. So they might distance themselves out of self-preservation. My good friend (who has no desire to have children) was asked just the other day by a mutual friend "Now that Hannah's having a baby, when will you have one?!" YUCK.

I also wonder how many people mistakenly think that we're now only interested in babies. That's false (for most pregnant women and/or moms, at least), but since some people now tend to treat me like I'm only a vessel for a baby, it makes sense that some people will assume that we think of ourselves as such, too (note: I hope to God that none of us have internalized this sexist idea and do not think of ourselves in this way). For a similar reason, some of my single friends stopped hanging out with me after I got married, because they assumed I'd want to hang out with my husband 24/7 (HELL NO).

It sounds like OP's colleague is just a brat, though, tbh.

Edit: I should mention that close friends that know you well will probably stick with you through this life change, just like they'd probably still keep in touch with you and visit you if you moved far away. They know you well enough to know that you're still you, even after you have a kid. It's the casual acquaintances and casual friends that probably won't stick around and will assume that you are baby-crazy or whatnot.

cali1710

My husband and I were 26/28 when we had DD. Definitely the first of our friends. Close friends have stuck around. Granted we don’t see them as much as we used to( we all have busy lives) but we both make efforts. Some friends have vanished but to be honest they arent the real friends you want around. As for work, I work with family so nothing changed there. Your coworkers just sound like jerks to be honest. Again, not friends you really want around. I have found through out life you lose friends and gain friends, this is one of those milestones. Where you may lose some, youll also gain some. 

kayjay44

@hannahbananas11 - I work with so many people who don’t want kids and that’s never going to get judgement from me, but hearing how much judgement they DO get sounds tough. 

etnyah

@hannahbananas11 I used to be someone who said I'd never have kids, and I know several women who still say the same, and they have awesome lives without kids. The amount of judgement you get as a woman for not wanting kids is crazy, you're not even viewed as a full person by some people.

Fun fact: In my early 20's, my best friend said she'd start trying for kids once she turned 26, and I was all "I can't believe you want a baby, babies suck!". Turned out she didn't want kids after all, and she ended up breaking up with her long term boyfriend, because starting a family was all he wanted, while she realized it wasn't for her. We're both 30 this year, and I'm ecstatic about having a kid while she's single, childless and has never been happier. Everyone's different! 

And yes, I'm dreading breaking the news officially because I know it'll be all everyone wants to talk to me about. I'm still interested in all the stuff I used to be interested in, and that won't change after baby is born either (although I do realize I won't have as much time for hobbies, at least for a while).

cmjenkies

I was 20 whenever I found out I was pregnant and when my son was born. I was working full time, in college full time, active in sorority, all that jazz. Some people stuck with me in ways that I never thought they would, while others disappeared slowly over time. It happens, and it sucks, but we were at different places in our lives and growing up and apart is funny in that way. 

hannahbananas11

@cmjenkies Growing apart is a good way to put it. That's exactly how it felt with some of my friends after we all went off to college, and then again after we got married. They just slowly dropped off, and I had other friends who grew closer to me. When I see them at reunions, it's still fun to catch up with them, and there's never been any animosity. It's just that people are sometimes heading in different places in life, and we all tend to find new people who connect with us where we are.

@grebretso I was on the fence about having kids for a few years, too. DH never pressured me (one of the reasons I think he was a very good choice to marry!) but my MIL sure did. It drove me nuts. We are all so much more than our reproductive capabilities, and I hate that society does not always see that.

adough27

Just to echo everyone's point, having a baby really shows you who your true friends are. DH and I were 24 when we had DD, were married since 21, and we had some friends that helped us build the crib and nursery furniture well I had other friends that just well off the face of the Earth. I know it sucks now since it is unexpected when people drop you, but it will be worth it when you have LO and are surrounded by true love and support.

The majority of my work colleagues are 10 years older than me and only want 1 kid and are just starting to have kids now, which I have no problem with, but when I said I wanted 4 children and got pregnant at 24, people treated me like a Teen Mom, like I couldn't possibly handle a career, child, and grad school at the same time because of what they had experienced. 

MrsCaliRN

OP I just wanted to chime in and bring a different perspective to the mix. My best friend is Mormon and started her family very early on  (married at 21, first baby at 23, now expecting baby #4 and just turned 31). I had a ton in common with my bestie, same interests, hobbies, and we hung out all the time, but when she became pregnant, I felt like I had no idea what to do, say, or expect. Of course I showed my support by throwing a baby shower and listening to her talk about symptoms and tried to meet up with her during the postpartum period, but at the end of the day her time was eaten up by her precious baby boy when he arrived. Also, her hobbies and interests changed and she wasn't always available for adult fun which was all I was interested in during my early and mid twenties. It wasn't until I started having babies myself that I see how awkward I probably was by how my other childless friends are. You just have to recognize that they are clueless until they go through the process themselves. I also realize how awkward and impatient I was with babies in general because of lack of experience. Because of that, I identified more with my other childless friends before I had kids.

I want to clarify that I don't think what your friend/co-worker is doing and saying about you if okay, but if you care about her, perhaps try starting the conversation, "Hey, I've really missed spending time with you. Being pregnant is definitely a crazy adjustment for me, but I'd love to have lunch sometime or get-together soon to catch up." Just an idea if you want to preserve the relationship you had and address the elephant in the room. In any case, you will definitely develop new friendships with other moms as that's what's appropriate and helpful at this stage in your life. And who knows, your relationships with your childless friends may be rekindled one day if they happen to have children of their own. I know mine certainly did with my bestie, and even though she moved out of state, we go to visit her once a year or so in to Utah to catch up and watch out kids play together!

mamaescalona

I’d have to agree with your brat assessment! Things have gotten a bit worse at work with her, and unfortunately with the two other girls in my office (she’s closer to them than I am). But it’s all been so ridiculous that it’s been easier to take in stride. 

mamaescalona

 

mamaescalona

Thank you everyone for your responses. Everyone seems so nice on here. It’s nice to have a support system like this. I don’t know any other pregnant moms so it’s easy to feel a little alone! 
It turns out that things may be working out for the better. My DH and I just found out about a new opportunity and we may be moving out of state soon. Problem solved lol!