UO/FFCF 7-27

stothi

Opinions!
Confessions!
Whatcha got?

stothi

UO: I do not believe that dads deserve recognition or credit for doing the most basic of tasks/being a mediocre parent. It drives me nuts seeing posts on Facebook- "my husband is so awesome cause he let me sleep in for 10 whole minutes one Saturday morning this month before he left to go play golf for 12 hours! How amazing that he'd take time away from his day like that! He even actually held the baby during those 10 minutes and considered changing a diaper. > Insert heart eyes here< I'm so lucky!"
No. Just no.

FFC: I don't even care if it makes me look however it makes me look, but I will not give an internet shout out to the hubs for doing a quarter assed job once a month for something I do every single other day. I don't thank him profusely for changing a diaper, watching the kiddo, or doing a chore "for me." It's not for me! He didn't change my diaper, he's not babysitting and it's his house too. Him taking care of his own child and home is not "for me." 
My husband is actually a really good dad and does deserve a fair amount of recognition and credit, and I give it! I let him know when he's going above and beyond and I let him know that I appreciate it. The man got up at 5am with our sad feeling under the weather toddler and went to sleep in the recliner with him so that our toddler and I could both get more sleep. He totally took one for the team. Since I'm not moving well these days, he's also going to make and feed kiddo breakfast and get him dressed for the day. Not just today, but (almost) all the days until I'm recovered from having this baby. When he's not at work he does pretty much all of the parenting right now so I can take it easy while I'm big pregnant. So, dude definitely deserves credit for all that! But no, just no, to this thing I'm seeing people do where the dads get praised for any and every little thing. No. He took out the trash? So what? Was there lava outside? Did he have to fight a lion to get it to the bin? No? Then I don't want to see a freaking Facebook post singing his praises for doing a basic every day chore! Stop it. They are grown adults. It's not an accomplishment.

spottedginger

@stothi

jumpy57

"Was there lava outside?" BAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'm starting to think there is lava outside that only men can see because DH never seems to take it out

DanyTargaryen

stothi said:

He took out the trash? So what? Was there lava outside? Did he have to fight a lion to get it to the bin? No? 

LOL 

pourmeanothermocktail

@stothi Amen to all that!

My confession: while I would never ever want to judge or interfere with anyone else's choices in birth (you do you, I'll do me), I find it sad when I hear other women scheduling a section (especially an early one!) just because baby is estimated big. It's not that I'm mad at the woman, I'm sad that the doctor is leading her to believe that ultrasound is an exact science and that there's no way the size estimate is wrong AND no way the woman could give birth to a 9 lbs baby. Again, it's not a personal thing against anyone, and I ignore it when I see it, because it IS just a personal thing of mine and I think everyone should make their choices. But...science shows us that ultrasounds aren't terribly accurate at sizing in third trimester. If you want the section-great, but if you don't, I don't want your doctor to make you feel it's your only option based upon a potentially faulty size estimate.

Gah, I'm tired and cranky and I hope that came out sensibly. If not, I apologize, and hope to better clarify later. 

DanyTargaryen

@pourmeamocktail - I've been thinking the same thing all morning.

JLyn821

@pourmeamocktail I COMPLETELY agree! Any time I hear about someone getting a section because “baby is too big and baby will never fit through my pelvis”, I want to just yell at them. Unless you have X-ray proof that your pelvis is extra small or mishapen, you and your doc have no idea if baby will or will not fit. Drives me crazy. 

DS was 9lbs 10oz and 23.5”. Neither my OB or I had any idea he’d be so big. He came out with no problem. DD was 8lbs 7oz and 21”. She came shooting out. 

SkilledSailor

JLyn821 said:

 DD was 8lbs 7oz and 21”. She came shooting out. 

This is how I fantasize about labor. I want this baby to basically just come shooting out. 

Birthing big babies without a section is totally possible. Especially now with our medical advances. My poor grandmother is all of 5'0", and super petite. All her babies were between 9lbs and 10.5lbs. All delivered vaginally because rural Kentucky. Not saying I wouldn't completely understand if you were 5' with a 10lb baby and wanted a c-section, just saying it apparently can be done without one. 

nlc8424

My confession: I'm already cringing thinking about PP sex. Not that it's real comfortable now, but I'm so not ready to try that again.

nackie

@pourmeamocktail I was almost 10lbs when I was born and my mom gave birth to me no problem and with no epidural. I had an almost 9lbs baby and did have issues, but that was more epidural related than his size. I’m fully expecting this baby to be as big or bigger. My dr hasn’t mentioned expecting me to have issues, but then again they don’t do growth scans due to how inaccurate they are. I feel like a lot of doctors are just looking for any reason to schedule a section since it makes their lives easier and that’s sad to me too. 

@stothi when DS was itty bitty (or not since he was so big at birth) my DH used to take him grocery shopping while I stayed home and napped. He was amazed at how many compliments he got. It’s sad how low the expectations for men are when it comes to parenthood. 

MandyMost

@stothi I totally agree. My husband and I both work full time (and I happen to make more money and have a more prestigious degree), and share the childcare and housework as close to 50/50 as makes sense to us. But EVERY time I’m at a work event or travel people are always “who’s taking care of the baby?!”. My husband literally never gets asked that. My best friend is a gay man (married to a man, with twin girls the same age as my daughter) and he confirms he’s literally never been asked that either. I like to play dumb and respond with “oh, I’m not a single mother.” whenever I can get away with it. I’m not the only one responsible for this child!

nackie

@MandyMost my husband claims that when he was our with our infant son, he was frequently asked if baby’s mother knew where he was. Like it’s unfathomable for a man to care for his own child by himself. 

knitknitread

Yes! It's so freaking ridiculous when dads get praised for every day crap. And when people say dad is babysitting? No. No, he is parenting. 

And I'm with you in your opinion @pourmeamocktail

yosemite2018

knitknitread said:

Yes! It's so freaking ridiculous when dads get praised for every day crap. And when people say dad is babysitting? No. No, he is parenting. 

My dad doesn't like it when I refer to him as babysitting my DD. I always thank him (he works a million jobs and has to schedule time out of his day to watch her) and he always says “it’s not babysitting when it’s spending time with your granddaughter.” If it’s not babysitting for my dad, it’s definitely not for my H!

lisac113

@MandyMost

I adore your statement, " I like to play dumb and respond with “oh, I’m not a single mother.” whenever I can get away with it. I’m not the only one responsible for this child!".

Pretty brilliant response

starla

@MandyMost I love that response! I'll use it if someone says that to me. 

@nackie WOOOW. That's ridiculous. 

Car0liiine

UO: 3rd tri is my favorite. I finally feel obviously pregnant instead of just chubby and lazy/sick, lol. The baby movements are bigger too which is fun.

smsaulino

@Car0liiine it has been my favorite too! A few minor setbacks but no sickness, pain or insomnia. 

Car0liiine

@smsaulino It does get rough at the end. You get to a point where just being alive is exhausting and you're so tired of waiting, and usually insomnia does get bad at the end. So we'll see if I change my mind, but I think the positives outweigh the negatives.

crispy11

@pourmeamocktail Agreed! I do support women with any and all birth choices but I also feel so upset for women who seem to be lead into unnecessary c-sections for various reasons, especially unnecessary repeat c-sections. I had a very necessary c-section in 2011 (placental abruption / stat c-section) so I appreciate my vaginal births (vbacs) so much more. As far as size and ultrasound, my last baby was estimated to be 60% by 36 week ultrasound, but came out 10 pounds 13.5 oz, ha! Oh well. Luckily he came out and all was well. Really hoping to vbac for the third time... and this time with a smaller baby!! (All that said, I do fear shoulder dystocia. It’s a truly scary thing! Please be smaller baby, please!) 

To join on the other thought, I don’t want to betray my beloved S16 BMB/ Facebook group, but somewhere around 18 months, some of the moms admitted that baby’s dad had never given the baby a bath and I was all  My husband and I have similar jobs (different specialties and levels of training at this point but overall similar) so we are definitely 50/50. Maybe 60/40 him! 

crispy11

Car0liiine said:

UO: 3rd tri is my favorite. I finally feel obviously pregnant instead of just chubby and lazy/sick, lol. The baby movements are bigger too which is fun.

Definitely an UO for me! I hate 1st tri/ early second tri the most because I am a puker. Early third trimester is just fine and for my earlier pregnancies I didn’t mind the whole third trimester. For last two pregnancies however, I’ve been spending the end of third tri as an acid filled insomniac with all the prodromal labor.  It probably doesn’t help that my last baby was so big. It was such a relief to have him out of me! 

stothi

@crispy11 I was shocked when moms on my last board were saying that their husbands slept in till noon on the weekends, didn't change diapers, didn't do baths, ect. Oh hell no! I was up all night, 7 days a week, with our not sleeping infant and there's no calling in for sick days, and I still had to take care of him during the day. My husband didn't dare try to pull any ish about being tired from his work week. No. He got up with the baby on the weekends and I was the one sleeping until noon. And sometimes after I nursed the baby and checked in, I went back to bed. That's right, I took a nap an hour after I woke up. I'm the human who made and pushed another human out of me and nursed said tiny human all night long. If anyone needed extra sleep on the weekend it was me! If I'm still bleeding, limping or leaking, I get to claim the "extra" sleep.

nlc8424

I 100% agree that dads don't require any special congratulations for taking care of their kid. But I guess another confession is that I do thank my husband for most things he does because he has a big/sensitive ego that needs to be stroked constantly in order for him to want to take on more tasks. Maybe I should stop, and I definitely don't get a thank you from my H for most of the stuff that I do around our house or with my son, but I guess I'm more afraid that if I don't sing his praises that I'll come off as even more of a controlling/perfectionist b**** and that's not very motivating for anyone. Hm some good food for thought.

crispy11

@stothi I’m spoiled. Even though I breastfed, my H got up with every feed to give me the baby, and then after the feed, he reswaddled, burped and rocked if necessary. I know that’s not the norm but it does make me feel so sad for the women that are doing the lion share of the work. (And since I’m pregnant now, I always get to sleep in on weekends when we’re both not working!  )

crispy11

@nlc8424 definitely good food for thought! Then again, every relationship is different and different husband/ partner has different strengths and weaknesses so if you have a way to keep him helpful, idk if I’d want to stray from it! Ha

nlc8424

@crispy11 definitely! I think I need to get out of the habit of saying "can you do me a favor?" Because like @stothi pointed out, if my H is doing a chore around the house or taking care of our son, it isn't really a favor to me, but just getting ish done. But I do know based on being with him for the last 9 years and what he complains about at work is that he likes to be recognized for his efforts, no matter how big or small. And it doesn't really bend my nose at all to thank him for whatever it is he's doing.

knitknitread

@stothi DH tried to pull the "I'm tired from school and work" card exactly one time. And it turned into a "do not even finish that sentence" sort of conversation. 

southernlady07

@nlc8424 Have you and YH taken the 5 love languages quiz? I wonder if his is Words of Affirmation! 

nlc8424

@southernlady07 I've read the book but my H hasn't, I can't remember if we've taken the quiz, but it seems very likely to me that his love language is words of affirmation!

nackie

@knitknitread when DS was just a few months old and I was getting 2-3 hours of sleep a day, my husband started telling me how tired he was all the time. I finally snapped at him that if he complained one more time about being tired I’d put him to sleep permanently. He stopped after that. 
But the first few weeks he did try getting up with me for every night time feed. I told him to stop after s couple weeks since he kept falling asleep sitting next to me and his chainsaw snoring was not helping. 

DanyTargaryen

While I was on maternity leave I did everything MOTN after the first couple weeks. MH was working, I was not. If I needed his help he would have been by my side in a second, but at least while I had the chance to rest during the day I did it all. Since I breastfed I didn't feel like we both needed to be awake all night. But that worked for us and I know it wouldn't work for everyone.

Once I went back to work and we moved DS into his crib in his room, MH would get up change his diaper and bring him to me to nurse. At that point we were both working so we went back to sharing MOTN duties.

stothi

I don't want my husband up at night to do baby stuff with me unless I actually need a second set of hands. I much prefer flying solo at night and having a rested spouse who's ready and able to pick up the slack during the day. 
My husband did trying getting up at night with me at first, but he's such a zombie it's honestly not worth it. We do better splitting it up into shifts.

crispy11

Our situation had so much to do with my H being world’s heaviest and easiet sleeper and me not being a good sleeper and having a hard time falling back asleep after nursing. He saved me from all the stuff I didn’t have to do so I could stay as close to sleep as possible... and hence have an easier time going back to sleep. H sinks back into his deep deep sleep the second his head hit the pillow again. He was fast asleep during the actual nursing sessions. He helped at the beginning and the end. I am so jealous of his sleeping abilities! Plus, I (sadly!) went back to work (65-80 hours a week including nights, weekends, 24s) when the baby was 9 weeks old so our situation was different from most. I do think me being away from home helped H become super dad, able to feed, bathe and bedtime 3 kids. If I had always been home, he would have never been pushed to do it all alone. Instead he had 12 out of 13 night stretches where I was (again sadly!!) gone. Luckily I’ll have a much different work schedule this time!! 

Patience7150

Like @DanyTargaryen while on maternity leave, I did most overnight during the week and then we did practice real life on the weekends. H takes until 2am, and I take from 2am on. It was nice to have a block of time you knew you were "off duty" and could ignore the wake up call. 

knitknitread

@nackie This happened when DD was about 18 months old O.O She quit napping and she just wasn't sleeping well either. I was getting maybe 3 hours of sleep and no nap time during the day. I was pretty much headed for a break. So, we weaned her and he took over bedtime and then we split nighttime wake ups until she sorted out whatever the hell that sleep regression was.

When she was a newborn, we both had school and work. I think I mostly just did nights in autopilot for the first few months. He'd wake up if she was really fussy and I needed a break.