How do I explain/make an excuse for MIL not being at shower?

thayilstyle312

Long story short, I will NOT be inviting my MIL to our baby shower. I wish she was more family-oriented but it’s just not the case and she won’t be in my child’s life unless she can get her act together. My question being, what kind of an excuse can I give my side of the family? I don’t want them to know our family drama but I know they’ll ask. I’m inviting a lot of other people from his side and I’m also a little worried they might mention our drama to my side if asked. 

Longer story, if interested: MIL always plays the poor me act. I come from a wealthier family. She does not, and so she feels uncomfortable around my family- mind you, they do everything possible to make her feel included and welcome. But you can only do so much. She’s not accepting of me or my family and thinks we’re not a good match for DH. Now add to that, she did the same thing to FIL side of the family and had a big falling out. FIL was a pushover and it all went her way, where they never talked or associated with FIL’s side of the family. I like FIL’s side of the family but they won’t be caught in the same room as her. I obviously don’t blame them. I’m still in the process of trying to create a stronger relationship with them but I get the vibe it’s hard for them to disassociate DH and I from her. She told other people that she didn’t like me, etc.... she went had her first kid out of wedlock (and broke up an existing marriage) at a young age. When FIL passed away, she went off the deep end and started doing drugs and drinking a ton. She got a new bf soon after FIL’s death- the woman doesn’t know how to be alone. She’s just overall not a good person, lied about everything and after initially  trying to be a good DIL to her and constantly being rejected and always getting fake smiles, I’m sick and tired of it. I don’t want to deal with the drama.... did I mention her step son went through a similar thing for his wedding where it was picking sides- her or FIL’s family and when he picked her, she ended up high on cocaine, drunk and punched the bride. Got the cops called on her. She doesn’t have any respect for anyone she deems to be on a different socio-economic class than her. I think she just assumes that we look down on her and so hates people she doesn’t even know. I don’t want to deal with her in any shape, way or form. 

What excuse can I make to others regarding her absence?

meggyme

I think it's good of you to stand your ground. You don't owe anyone an answer if they are nosy enough to ask an obviously weighted question (if they know both of your history). If you don't want to lie about her being unable to be there, just say "it's not really any of your business" or "it's kind of a personal issue, I don't want to get into it right now."

thayilstyle312

I thought of that but I think it’ll come off mean so I just wanted a believable lie ready and on hand. Makes it easier for everyone..... I don’t even want to put ideas in their heads either. If I put myself in their position and got that answer then my mind would be going in a million places and coming up with all sorts of theories

meggyme

I think saying that it's personal and you don't want to get into it is a polite enough way to say "hey butt out" but you could always just play dumb. Say you're not sure why she's not there. Or say she's not able to attend.

delujm0

I would just say "she wasn't invited" and leave it at that.  It's not really anyone's business.

DanyTargaryen

I think you're worrying about it more than you really need to. You don't need to come up with some "believable" excuse. Plain and simple - either "she wasn't invited" or "she couldn't make it" if you want to be more vague.

Casadena

agree with above.  I really think a simple "oh she couldn't be here" is fine and if someone presses you about it just change the subject.  Ex: "thanks for asking, i'll tell her hello for you - have you tried this cake, its fantastic!".  People will get the hint.

dufferoo

Man, I wish you hadn’t told the whole backstory because while I agree you can’t have a violent drug user in your kid’s life, much of the rest of what you shared (for example, her getting pregnant young and unmarried) seems completely irrelevsnt and, indeed, judgmental on your part. So I think for sure you need to stop sharing that story and instead just tell people she couldn’t make it. Those whom you are very close with you will probably one day end up sharing that she’s had a really hard life and is unfortunately struggling with addiction. But not at the shower. There, you just take the advice of @Casadena and other pp’s. Less is more, pass the cake!