TTCAL week of 7/16/18

zamoraspin · July 2018

**This is a general trigger warning that CP, miscarriage/spontaneous abortion, selective abortion due to medical complications, and/or stillbirth may be mentioned.**

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

Status:

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

GTKY: What is your most beloved kitchen tool? Do you have a kitchen gadget you regret buying?

holly321 · July 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

Mmc 2/12 and 8/17

Status: benched

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

So, I had a major mental breakdown last week, but I am doing well now. I had a lot of bad stuff happen, but I think in the end , I did sort of handle it well. DH and I had a lot of talks. He was wanting to still wait for a bit after my benchedness was over to try, but I think we aren't. I am actually waiting to hear from my spinal doctor, and if they clear me, we will probably start TTC next month. I am scheduled for carpal tunnel surgery in September, but I think I am just going to put it off.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

Spine mri

GTKY: What is your most beloved kitchen tool? Do you have a kitchen gadget you regret buying?

I love my one knife and I hate my Keurig.

Eta

TW pregnancy mentioned

My coworker that I am close with had her baby. We have been talking regularly all things baby. She mid pregnancy had to switch obs and she tried mine and loved him, so she is always talking to me. It has not been an issue. But, her MIL works here and I don't like her, and all day long I feel like she is constantly behind me giving everyone the play by play and it is too much.

prpl11butterfly · July 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. MMC 3/18

Status: WTO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I was struggling more last week then this week. Mostly reading last weeks thread and feeling like what I'm going through pales in comparison to you ladies. And I know it's true but I also know I'm entitled to my grief and feelings. I wanted to comment on so many of your posts but my head was all "stfu, they don't want to hear from you". I don't believe that but just couldn't get rid of it. Anyway. I'm okay. I'm not feeling as hopeful as I've been in the past but also not as discouraged as last cycle. I feel like there is a chance this time and I'm giving it my all so if it's not then its not meant to be (remind me of this in a few weeks please....). I'm also super emotional because I just saw another butterfly I haven't seen in years (in the wild).

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Only if you count OPKs.

GTKY: What is your most beloved kitchen tool? Do you have a kitchen gadget you regret buying? My kitchenaid hands down most loved. I don't really have any I regret buying but wish people hadn't bought for me. Like the special scoops that supposedly give you the exact amount for the perfect cupcake. Nah, I'll wing it instead of having extra annoyances in my cabinet.

prpl11butterfly · July 2018

@holly321 sometimes a mental breakdown helps clear the mind. As aweful as they are to have. I hope that things go smoothly from here on out for you. FX your spinal dr gives you the all clear!

zamoraspin · July 2018

@holly321 I'm sorry that you have had the worst luck ever, in seemingly all areas. I think you are amazing. Your resilience is really impressive, I'm sure it doesn't feel that way to you, but seriously, the fact that you have been through so much loss and also cancer and can get out of bed in the morning, well, you are stronger than you know. I'm glad that you have come to a decision on when to ttc again. You have been waiting so patiently and I don't know how you do it.
@prpl11butterfly Of course we want to hear from you and I'm sorry you felt that way. You can always find someone who has it "worse", but knowing that certainly doesn't make your pain any less real. This is not the pain Olympics. I have been asked a couple times lately how long we have been ttc and when I say about 16 months people are like, "oh, well some people try for years." Great. I feel badly for those people but also for myself, that comment accomplished nothing, except maybe making the speaker feel better by minimizing my pain.

prpl11butterfly · July 2018

@zamora_spin I know it's all in my own head. Sometimes I think part of me is (or really wants to) denying what happened and that's how I get to that frame of mind.

kindbytealikat · July 2018

@holly321 I’m glad you’re feeling better this week and you and DH are on the same page now. I’m sorry you’re dealing with so much medical right now. Blasphemy I can’t imagine a world without my keurig!
@prpl11butterfly I’m so sorry last week was so tough for you. Of course your grief matters and fwiw I always love hearing from you. You are so supportive of everyone. and @zamora_spin said it perfect, it's not the pain Olympics.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. 2 early losses(8/17, 1/18)

Status: WTO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I'm feeling a little better today. After posting on here last night I broke down, and kind of just let it out. DH tries the best he can to be supportive but my mind keeps telling me "he doesn't understand" I feel sorry for him somedays, but I don't know how to change it. When I found those books and my pills last week things hit him really hard. He was pretty emotional and I couldn't be there for him like I should have been. It's hard knowing hes trying to help me while hes struggling himself. It's really hit us both that we've been trying to do this for a year now and that is such a hard milestone. But I'm feeling a bit more optimistic today and more myself.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nope

GTKY: What is your most beloved kitchen tool? Do you have a kitchen gadget you regret buying? Hmm I have so many gadgets. I love to cook and love to try out new tools. What I would miss the most, would probably be my mandolin. I am the worst at thinly slicing things so my mandolin is a God send to me. My least favorite, well I did just give away my George Foreman and I really don't like my electric skillet, I hate how unevenly it cooks and would just rather use the stove.

coco2787 · July 2018

Sorry that I didn't really reply to anyone last week, I wasn't in a great place to give support.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

4 losses in the last 10 months. 2 MMC and 2 CP

Status:

Benched/WFAF

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

I feel like I do okay in the day to day but I've been avoiding a lot of major responsibilities. It's been hard to know how to move forward. Also still struggling to come to terms with the results of the chromosome testing, I don't know how to reconcile that my body failed my healthy baby. It also makes it so much scarier to think about trying again.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

Got my own karyotyping results back, it was normal. Waiting for microarray chromosome testing results, hoping it tells us something useful but not too optimistic. RE appointment tomorrow morning, worried that she won't have much to offer me.

GTKY: What is your most beloved kitchen tool? Do you have a kitchen gadget you regret buying?

I really love my super sharp Japanese knife. It makes cutting stuff fun. I regret buying the InstaPot because I'm too lazy to learn how to use it so I've never taken it out of the box

holly321 · July 2018

@prpl11butterfly, we definitely want to here from you! And we are all experiencing and I don't think it is fair to try and compare. While we all get the general idea of what the other is going through, we still don't know how each other feels.
@zamora_spin, aww, thank you, you are so kind. Sometime I feel like I can face anything, other times not so much.

@kindbytealikat, I think one of the hardest things about miscarriage is how spouses response and feel different. It is such a personal deep loss for both, but both aare experiencing very different emotions. I was recently reading an article how the woman is more attached and grieves the baby, while the spouses are grieving the loss of their spouses and who they were. I have to work to remember that DH is involved, lol, I don't mean to, but I generally feel like it was MY loss. Not ours.
And I love the idea of a mandolin, but may have ended up in urgent care from using one because I was dumb.

Edit thanks to stupid auto correct... Which my phone is getting worse and worse about changing stuff I write (and spell correctly!) To completely made up stuff. Not sure how to fix this. I tried to delete all the information saved I felt was contributing.

TJtheGoat · July 2018

@holly321 Im glad that you and YH have a plan to move forward. You guys have been through so much in the last year; it’s such a testament to the strength of your relationship that you are able to work through it together.

@prpl11butterfly I want to hear from you too! I think it’s normal for people capable of empathy to downplay their own troubles in response to others in crisis.

@kindbytealikat I think you are probably right that men don’t really understand what we go through. I like what @holly321 said about grieving the loss of the spouse. I know BF was sad, but he was struggling more with the right way to make me feel better and get back to how I was before.

@coco2787 Avoiding major responsibilities and making important decisions seems like a pretty healthy coping mechanism to trauma. Sometimes it’s good to give yourself grace. You can’t pour from an empty cup, right?

kgg2241 · July 2018

@prpl11butterfly I definitely want to hear from you! Your grief is real and just as measurable as anyone else. I understand your feelings though. I had a hard time last week too. I know/ feel that my posts come off as trivial in comparison, but I also desperately need an outlet. It's a hard balance.

@kindbytealikat I can relate. I know DH is sad, but I also feel like he is silently wondering why I can't just get it together sometimes. I like what @coco2787 said too. I know that DH is upset the difference in me and that makes me sad. I'm glad you are feeling better today .

@holly321 Happy to see you are feeling better this week. Life and definitely TTC/PL is a roller coaster and it seems we never can predict each day, but I'm glad today you are feeling better.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. MMC 6/15/18 at 11 weeks, mosaic for Turner Syndrome

Status: Benched/WFAF

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I'm doing okay this week too (so far). I am really trying to not get myself down by overt-thinking everything. Last week I was in a dark place. I know that it is healthy to grieve, but I think a lot of it was brought on by my own obsessing. I'm going to try to keep busy this week. I actually went to the gym after work today, which was the first time in a really long time.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? I have our appointment with the maternal fetal medical specialist and the genetic counselor on Friday. Very anxious. When I first had my loss, they told me some terrifying stats about Turner Syndrome pregnancies that I've been trying to put out of my head until we meet with them. Hopefully they have better news for us.

GTKY: What is your most beloved kitchen tool? Do you have a kitchen gadget you regret buying? I honestly rarely cook, but I do try to help DH prep the food for him to cook lol. Our food processor is the best. I use it at least once a week to chop veggies.

lin0442 · July 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.: 2 losses (5/16, 2/18), now post surgery for uterine septum

Status: cd26, 10 days post iui

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I feel very impatient, and am struggling to not get my hopes up. So much has happened since I was benched- surgery, starting IF treatments, I’m constantly trying to bring my expectations back down to earth. Doesn’t help that symptom spotting is pretty easy this month.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Expecting af on Friday, and I have a beta scheduled for Tuesday if she’s a no-show. Might poas on Saturday if it makes sense to.

GTKY: What is your most beloved kitchen tool? Do you have a kitchen gadget you regret buying? I love our food processor and our all clad ‘weeknight pan’. I regret buying our hand mixer, I pretty much never use it. I used to work at a Sur la Table so I know kitchen gadgets!!

Back in a bit for tags

lin0442 · July 2018

@kgg2241 I know what you mean by over-thinking bringing you to a dark place. There’s so much to this process that is beyond our control, it’s so difficult to deal with. I wish you luck at your appointment and a bit of peace in the meantime.

@coco2787 I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard time. It’s really hard to reconcile that feeling- I’m still struggling with learning that my septum likely ended my two probably healthy pregnancies (one with a normal microarray- though not all fetal issues are detectable with genetic tests). This was never some conscious decision or choice that we made. Our hearts and our love never failed them.

@holly321 Keurigs are crummy, agreed. Man, I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with so. dang. much. It really sucks and it’s amazing how you’re still standing. Wishing you an easier road.

holly321 · July 2018

@coco2787, I hope your appointment went well today. I am sorry you feel like your body failed, life is not fair. *Hugs* @lin0442 is right, testing won't show evetutever that could have been wrong (not that that truly makes a difference ) .you did not fail your baby. Something went wrong that was not your fault .

@kgg2241, I am sorry the stats are scary. I try to avoid looking in to percentages now, in my circumstances, I hit the rare odds (first mc had less than 1% chance of happening, my type of molar pregnancy was about 1 in 50,000...) .it's funny, because I am usually a numbers person, but I don't want to hear it when it comes to this stuff. I also think obsessing over this stuff can sometimes actually be a helpful way to deal with grief, at least it seems to help me. Good luck with your appointment.

@lin0442, fx for you. It is hard to not get your hopes up, even when so much bad has happened.

AFM, I spoke with my ENT today, and she doesn't think I need to rush in to nerve medicine, since I had improvement with Prednisone. (If taking the nerve medication was time sensitive, it could have kept me benched for a while.) so that is a relief. So hopefully mri results won't be terrible and I will get cleared.

coco2787 · July 2018

Had a beta drawn today, two weeks ago it was at 45, today it was still at 7.4

That seems so slow. My RE wants me to get one more draw since it wasn’t under 5 but that feels kind of pointless.

TJtheGoat · July 2018

@coco2787 Sorry that your betas are going slowly.

coco2787 · July 2018

@holly321 I'm sorry about the mental breakdown, you've been through a lot, sometimes a breakdown is just what we need to reset. I'm glad you're doing better though. That's exciting you'll be off the bench soon!

@prpl11butterfly sounds like last week was rough for a lot of us. Like zamora said, this isn't the pain olympics and the way you feel is valid whether or not someone else has had it worse. And we do want to hear from you

@kindbytealikat I know finding those books was triggering for you, and I'm sorry you had to go through that. It makes it harder when you don't feel like your partner understands. Loss is so hard on couples, we all grieve in our own way, and I think with the women especially, we feel like our husbands aren't sad "enough" if that makes sense. I think men also try to stay strong for us but then the emotions hit them when they aren't expecting it. You've both lost something and it's hard to provide comfort to each other when you're both hurting. Be gentle with yourselves.

thanks @TJtheGoat I know it's normal, but you're right that I need to give myself grace.

@kgg2241 I've found that exercise has helped me too, I started running again a couple weeks ago. It helps take my mind off things for a while. I'm sorry to hear you were having a rough time last week too. I've never heard anything about Turner syndrome pregnancies causing issues, that's scary. I hope your meeting on Friday goes okay and there isn't anything to worry about.

@lin0442 I'm impressed you haven't tested yet, I would have caved by now. Keeping my FX for you that IUI did the trick!

I guess I didn't fully update how my RE appointment went. It was about as expected, she doesn't feel that fertility intervention would really benefit me at this point. Given my lower AMH and the fact that I can get pregnant on my own, interventions wouldn't increase my odds of having a successful pregnancy (in fact the odds would still be lower with intervention than trying on our own). She also doesn't think steroids or blood thinners would be a good option since they can have side effects and there's no evidence it would benefit me. So right now the plan is just to do progesterone supplements after ovulation and hope for the best. Doesn't give me a whole lot of optimism but I guess it's a slight improvement from just doing the same thing over and over again.

nomangos23 · July 2018

Hugs to all my grieving-after-loss momma friends. I'm so thankful for you guys.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. Waiting on confirmation of loss # 3, which makes 3 in 6 months.

Status: Currently in the worst kind of hell. I fit no where.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? BFP 7/7. First beta looked really good and was really high. Second and third not doubling. At that point I had accepted my fate. But RE wants to keep on progesterone and do an US a week later to see. WHAT? WHY? Won't progesterone just prolong an inevitable miscarriage? To which the nurse answered "Well the doctor has been this happen before with a patient who has a vanishing twin" Vanishing twin? Are you kidding me? What are the odds of that?

Needless to say... It's been a week of hell. US is tomorrow and I KNOW it's not going to be positive because betas don't lie and I'm no medical miracle. One minute I've convinced myself that a healthy pregnancy is possible. The next minute I'm mad at myself for even thinking that could be a possibility.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? US tomorrow. Not even going to bother asking for luck.

GTKY: What is your most beloved kitchen tool? Do you have a kitchen gadget you regret buying? gosh there are too many. Kitchen Aid mixer, turkey frier and food processor probably are the least used and take up the most room. I love my wooden salt keeper and knives.

kgg2241 · July 2018

@nomangos23 I'm sorry you find yourself here again. Don't be mad at yourself for believing that good things will happen for you. Good things SHOULD happen for you and it just plain isn't right or fair that it isn't working out for you. I'm sorry you are getting strung along.

TJtheGoat · July 2018

@nomangos23 im so sad to see you post this. I’m sorry that you’ve been in limbo, that must have been heartbreaking. I hope that tomorrow will allow you to move forward one way or the other.

canadianmom89 · July 2018

Hi all ! I’m semi-new here ( I’ve been here in the past ) and thought I would jump right in. I’m looking forward to getting to know you all and have and give support!

Ive had 2 MMC the past six months 01/18 and 07/18. Both pregnancies did not develop past 5 weeks but I went to 9 1/2 weeks both times. First time I found out at the ultrasound and had a d&c at 11 weeks and again at 13 weeks because they didn’t get it all the first time. This time I started bleeding at 9w3d and miscarried naturally at 10w1d

How are things going? Taking it day by day. Still in disbelief that I had back to back miscarriages and of course both pregnancies I ended up pregnant the same time as a friend so it sucks watching them progress

What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Rave would be that I finally got a negative hpt yesterday so hopefully that means af will return soon.

Rant would be that it’s hard being a wife, mom and employee while going through this , I feel like I don’t have time to grief because I have responsibilities

Any testing coming up/any recent results? None

GTKY: What is your most beloved kitchen tool? Do you have a kitchen gadget you regret ?

I love my kitchen aid and food processor ! No regrets I can think of.

canadianmom89 · July 2018

@nomangos23 my heart aches for you! I know that feeling of limbo all too well. Be kind to yourself! ❤️

kindbytealikat · July 2018

@nomangos23 there are just no words. I’m so very sorry.

dpjennifer · July 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. 4 MC. Unexplained RPL.

Status: CD 21. O is imminent.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Actually in a good frame of mind this week so far. BD the other day and hopefully BD tonight as O should be any day now (not temping so not going to be 100% on the day, but EWCM is starting up). Looking forward to the weekend!

GTKY: What is your most beloved kitchen tool? Do you have a kitchen gadget you regret buying? I love the kitchen aid mixer, also I have these spatulas I totally love. As for regret gadgets, not that many that I personally have bought… but definitely regrets over gifts I have received that just seem to sit around and take up space…

@holly321 you can always do a bit of NTNP. We’re sorta doing that right now. I monitor my CM and try to get a few days in when it seems like the right time, but I’m not temping to be absolutely CERTAIN and wouldn’t test unless I knew I was really late. It’s keeping some of the stress down for me, but allowing

@prpl11butterfly Your feelings ARE valid. Just because some of us are bitter old hags doesn’t mean that what you’re going through and feeling isn’t real or isn’t awful! We want a community and we want you to participate! Also, a few weeks ago when I was having a rough time, I saw a butterfly in my memorial garden (out of nowhere, and haven’t seen it since). It was comforting and beautiful.

@coco2787 Sorry your results are getting you down. Have you had the blue dye (HSG) test and whatnot? Not sure if it’s helpful, but I did know someone who had 4 MC before they found out she had a heart-shaped uterus. Then they fixed it and she’s gone on to have healthy babies. I may be grasping at straws for hope here for you… but I’m hoping they figure out why you keep having MCs! The living in unknown sucks.

@kgg2241 After dealing with infertility for years and undergoing 5 cycles of IUI, a guy at work and his wife had a baby girl that has Turner’s Syndrome. She’s now 16 and learning how to drive! So, try not to get too down about it. Hopefully they can give you some good statistics and information tomorrow. I also love my food processor BTW!

@lin0442 Ooohh… Sur la Table

@nomangos23 Sorry for the limbo. A slowly rising HCG can be the sign of PG complications, so they probably want to do it to make sure everything ends ok. Also, sometimes slowly rising HCG ends up picking back up and doubling and results in a healthy PG. It’s a shitty situation and I’m sorry you’re going through it.

@canadianmom89 Sorry you’re struggling, and sorry for your losses. Try to find the time to grieve because putting it off really slams you later. I did that because I had my first MC 2 weeks before my wedding and then we went on our honeymoon, and then it was the holidays, and I only semi-grieved because I was so busy and was trying to occupy my mind to take my thoughts off of it. Then after the holidays I spiraled into a HUGE depression.

kgg2241 · July 2018

@canadianmom89 I'm sorry you find yourself back here and so sorry for your losses. I know what you mean about struggling with being pregnant at the same time as your friend. It's hard

. Take care of yourself and find some time to grieve. I felt the same way and finally took a walk alone a week or so after my loss and it was very helpful to just be alone with my thoughts to help process what had happened.

coco2787 · July 2018

@nomangos23 I'm sorry you find yourself back here. How did it go yesterday?

@canadianmom89 I'm so sorry for your losses. I had a MMC in December and June so I understand how heartbreaking it is. I hope you can find a way to grieve, I know it's hard when you have other responsibilities and life has to go on.

@dpjennifer I'm glad to hear you're in a good mindset this week. Hopefully that translates to good baby making vibes

To answer your question, I haven't had an HSG but I did have a hysteroscopy after my 3rd loss and was told I have a "beautiful uterus" so sadly I don't think it's a structural issue. Being in the unknown is a special kind of hell (as you know all too well).

TTCAL week of 7/16/18

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