When did you feel ready to try again? — The Bump
TTC After a Loss

When did you feel ready to try again?

hello new to this board.  I jumped over here after having a MMC and D&C on July 6.  This is my second back to back miscarriage after a totally normal 1st pregnancy.  I had a MC at 6 weeks at the beginning of May and then immediately got pregnant again without having a cycle.  Everything was looking okay with this baby (had a heartbeat, good growth) and then at 9 weeks there was no longer a heartbeat.  It has been devastating.  I’m 38 going on 39 and I know this can become more common.  We really want a second child but the heartbreak and anxiety has been a lot.  How did you know you were ready to try again and how do you manage the anxiety of worrying about another miscarriage?  

Re: When did you feel ready to try again?

  • I've had 4 MC within a 2 year period (haven't been PG in over a year since then at this point). So I was 32-33 when PG each time (definitely 'young' enough to be successful). They've done all the RPL tests and have no idea why I keep losing my babies and no real actual ideas on how to 'fix' it. I have no live children. It's super difficult to continue down this road. Each time has been harder and harder. At the beginning I kept hoping and being told that it was probably a fluke and that the 'next one' would be successful. Now I feel like having a live baby in my arms will take a miracle... So, earlier on I found it easier to try again right away. Now I persevere because honestly, what else can you do? I want a baby. Adoption is out for us. IVF is too expensive for us, and no specialist even thinks it will help our problem. So, I keep on keeping on. The choice is either to be depressed and keep trying to have a baby and hope it works out... or be depressed and give up. I'm depressed either way, so I may as well keep trying at this point. I know some day I'll either end up with a live baby in my arms, or I'll end up having enough MCs to make me never want to do this again. And honestly, the last MC I thought I wanted to be done because I couldn't stand the pain. But somehow, months later after the PG hormones leave your body and you've 'gotten over' the worst of the pain... it's like you forget how god-awful it is and decide you can deal with it and want to try again. 
    Basically... your choices are to either keep trying and figure out how to deal with the anxiety and emotions the best you can... or decide to live one and done and try to find happiness with your only living child and in other areas of your life... and remember, you don't HAVE to decide right now. You can sit on the bench for months before you make a 'final' decision. And, even after you make that 'final' decision, you can still change your mind months later again.
  • So sorry for your losses.  I had my first pregnancy and son at 39/40.  I delivered him when I was 40.   Then went on to have 3 MCs in a row.  For me I knew right away as time is not on our side because of age.  I’m 43 now and we are still trying for a few more months but I have come to accept that we will just have one. I think you will know when you are ready.  As for anxiety I don’t really have any suggestions for that because it’s just real.  
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  • I’m sorry for your losses. It’s such a personal question, and I think everyone’s answer is slightly different. Frankly, I think the pain of loss and anxiety of another mc will always be there, it just lessens at some point to be less than your desire to keep trying. I lost my first pg at a hair under 13wks, and after gladly waiting a couple MD prescribed months, it took me over a year to get pg again. I was so happy, but that cloud was hanging over me the whole time. Unfortunately I lost that one too, but started trying again right away. I’m still scared it will happen again, even after I’ve gotten (hopefully) corrective surgery.

    But at the end of the day, the only way to end up pregnant and bring home a rainbow baby is to face that fear and sadness and work through it. That path is so individual to the couple, I would hate to give a time frame for you. I wouldn’t encourage you to wait for everything to ‘feel better’, unfortunately, but to wait until you feel like you want to move forward again. 
  • zamoraspinzamoraspin member
    edited July 2018
    @denma2015 I'm sorry for your losses. Echoing the other ladies - it's a personal decision but for a lot of us we try again pretty quickly. Like dpjennifer I've had 4 mc's and no living children. I'm now 36 so time is not on my side. In the past we've waited at most one cycle (after my first D&C) before ttcal. We are currently waiting a bit longer this time because we are planning to start IVF with PGS whenever we get the go-ahead. After two losses and given your age, you might consider a referral to an RE. Many RE's now diagnose RPL at two losses. Unfortunately there is not a lot that can be done for many of us, even after testing, but there are occasionally people who find out through testing what is causing the losses. 
  • chloe97chloe97 member
    edited July 2018
    @denma2015 I’m so sorry for your losses. We are the same age- I just turned 39. I had 2 MCs back to back at 36 and it was awful and devastating. I had rushed so fast to get back into the game the first time because I was running out of time I thought and it just made my anxiety worse. I waited 3 full cycles before actively trying again after my 2nd MC. Took the summer for my H and I and did my best to enjoy my time. I got pregnant and had my rainbow last June. Now after a CP in April, im pondering the same things again. I don’t know what to tell you. I do think it would have been a better pregnancy (I suffered severe depression) if I would have waited longer, but I know at our age you don’t have much time to wait it out. Right now, if we don’t have another child, I can be fine, but I don’t know if I will be fine with not having a takehome baby after another MC, if that makes sense? But I also don’t know how much more I have in me to fight this battle.

    Anyway, welcome to the board- I’m sorry you are here but I hope you stick around awhile. I’m New again too after being gone 2 years. 
  • You gals are all amazing.  Reading your stories and feedback has been so helpful.  I really feel like it’s true that at some point my desire for this new baby will be much stronger than my fear of another miscarriage.  Every day seems to get easier.  I think more than anything I just miss that feeling of growing a little life within me.

    Sometimes I just want to have that tantrum and say “this is so unfair!”  
  • @denma2015 I will throw a tantrum with you any day if you need company. I’m so very sorry for your loss. 

    I had a MMC in Dec ‘14 (with 2 D&Cs because of a “sticky spot” on my uterus), a CP, and then DD in Feb ‘16. I had another MMC (after SGA, low heart rate and finally no heartbeat 2 weeks later) in March. A failed round of cytotec and a D&C at the end of March. We’re trying again now and hoping that I haven’t gotten scar tissue from the 3 D&Cs.  I’m not sure what we’ll do if I do have scar tissue. I’m 37, too. While this past MMC was easier because we have DD, it was emotionally exhausting and demoralizing—I knew it was going to end that way on Feb 19th. I’m not sure I’ll ever be 100% ready and I’m pretty sure we’re done after this try. But who knows. I swore that if I had another miscarriage, we’d be done and that changed with this loss...
  • @denma2015 when I say I’m drs office with my 3rd diagnosed MC I said I would not try again.  Two weeks later I said maybe I have it in me to try again and a week later we got our genetic testing back and I made decision to try again.  You are right that at some point the desire to have a LC will be stronger than fear of MC.   You will know when that times comes.  
  • denma2015 I'm a queen of tantrum throwing!!!  Some days I both want to scream and rage, as well as curl into a ball in the corner and cry about how unfair it all is.
  • Hello Ladies! I cant remember if I have posted here or not before. But I had a D&E in June and it was my first pregnancy. I'm not sure when I want to try again. I had an emotional day out of the blue yesterday. I feel like I dont have anyone to talk to. I feel no one wants to talk about me losing a baby and the person who I could talk to is pregnant with twins after several miscarriages, so I won't dare talk to her about it. My husband doesn't want to talk about it because he doesn't want to jinx us. But I havent really talked about it since the D&E in June. I'm glad to see that I'm not rhe only one not sure of when to try again. But I'm 36, so my age is a factor. I dont know how to deal with my emotions without falling apart, but I dont want to push it down and never deal with it either. So.....that's pretty much where I am at this point in time. 
  • @denma2015 it’s so hard not to throw that tantrum. I feel like everyone around me is having easy perfect pregnancies yet we have all been saddled with such a difficult route. I have no living children and lost my baby at 16 weeks. I was given a scary diagnosis in which my placenta basically fails bc my body thinks of it as a foreign invader and attacks it. My baby was perfect - all chromosome tests and genetic tests came back normal. It was just severe growth restriction from my failed placenta that killed her. The chances of it happening again are pretty high, but apparently blood thinners and aspirin will potentially help... That knowledge has been so supremely shitty, but we’ve started trying again (2 months later) ... id rather feel sad knowing I kept trying vs not, if that makes sense? 

    Also - feel like all the ladies on here are incredibly brave. 
  • That makes total sense. My heart breaks for you with that diagnosis. It's so unfair
  • And now my friend who says all the time that she doesn't want a real relationship because she "wants to be a thot" just showed me her POSITIVE pregnancy test
  • @denma2015 I think the answer is so different for each couple. My boyfriend was ready to try again very quickly. I was ready two weeks after I had my miscarriage. I miscounted and we started trying again this month without realizing it! Lol. 

    I think for me what made me ready was moving through the grieving process. I named the baby, I talked about it with anyone who would listen, i didn’t bury my feelings, I wrote a letter to the baby, I posted on Instagram with a memorial to my baby, I got out and did things with friends when I was ready. and I took almost two weeks off work. I faced my feelings, I was gentle with myself, and I let those feelings move through me and out of me. That’s what helped me and it might not help someone else. I think you have to listen to your feelings and try different things. 

    @purplegirl4 we will listen whenever you want to talk *hugs*
  • @antera23 I think you handled your emotions the right way. I only took two days off from work. At the time I felt like everyone would have judged me for taking off, but I wish I would have did like you and process my emotions. I had a good cry the day of and thats it. We tried this past cycle, so I will see if it worked. I'm only 2 DPO. I'm kinda afraid of getting pregnant because I dont want to go through this again. 

    But I did name my baby. I have a journal that I was keeping, and I bought a Christmas ornament that says "Playing in Heaven". 
  • It does get easier with time.  Almost two months out and I still feel sad at times but also the excitement of hoping we get out Rainbow baby.  You can only just hope for the best
  • @purplegirl4 that's why I came here; I don't have anyone to talk to about this in real life. I am always reminded to count my blessings (see my spoiler in my siggy) but I still know that I lost a baby (mine was in Feb this year @ 10 weeks). That baby was very real to me, the loss was very traumatic, and I am still having a hard time being ready for the uncertain future. As memorial, I bought a necklace with one angel wing to represent my lost child. My husband will talk about it and has made the decision mine whether we continue to try; he is a problem solver and has trouble listening to me just be sad.

    With this experience, the one thing that keeps my mind blown is how many there are of us and how rarely this topic is talked about openly. I don't know what solution there is to that because I have a hard time being vocal about it myself. I do know that this loss has changed me forever. 

    I hope you find comfort and support here. 
    Baby Birthday Ticker TickerMe: 40  H: 38


    ****trigger warning****

    1 LC, girl 5 years old

    TTC #2 Summer 2017

    BFP 1/5/2018, MC (D & E) 2/23/2018

    TTCAL May 2018

    BFP 9/20/2018, MC (D & E) 11/16/2018 :'(

  • @purplegirl4 thank you. It’s hard to know what to do when you’re in it. We are all just trying our best. I don’t blame you for being scared to try again. It’s been so soon. I hope you can feel some peace either way. Do you feel like you want to do anything else to remember your baby? 

    @rds51510 your feelings are totally valid. Please talk about your baby all you want here. I feel like talking about losing a child helps you heal. As a society we talk about losing family members but for some reason we don’t talk about losing babies after a certain point. I’m glad you have something tangible to remind you of the baby you lost. 
  • @antera23 The hospital that did my D&E recognizes every birth no matter how early you lose the pregnancy. They are going to do a ceremony and burial of the remains. So I may go to that. I don't think I will actually buy anything else. I have the hospital bands from that day, my journal, and an angel holding a baby that someone gave me in a special box. I will hang the ornament on my tree every year. 

    @rds51510 I was surprised too by how many women have been through this. You never hear about it until someone close to them miscarries.

    This board has definitely helped. I really appreciate you ladies. I hope the best for all of us emotionally and mentally. I hope we all get our Rainbow babies as well. I just hope my joy and excitement outweighs my fearfulness next time. 
  • @purplegirl4 that is amazing. I’m so glad your hospital does that. 
  • Yeah, I thought that was nice too. I'm gonna break down and test tomorrow since I'm 9 DPO. I dont feel pregnancy symptoms like last time, but I dont feel AF symptoms either. We didnt "try", but we didnt prevent either. 

    I dont feel anxiousness about testing like before. Sometimes I feel scared, and sometimes I have a feeling of neutrality if that makes sense. 
  • @purplegirl4 that makes a ton of sense because I feel the exact same way! 

    Let me know now how it goes. I’m 10dpo and I’m waiting until Saturday to test. I also don’t feel a great number of symptoms. I’m weepy, irritable, and I have lots of cravings. So that could go either way lol. 
  • Hi @antera23 I got a BFN this morning and I feel okay with that. But I didnt get a BFP until 11 DPO last time. But I'm gonna wait for AF now because she's due Saturday. 
  • Hi @antera23 I got a BFN this morning and I feel okay with that. But I didnt get a BFP until 11 DPO last time. But I'm gonna wait for AF now because she's due Saturday. 
    I’m sorry you got a BFN but I’m glad you feel ok with the outcome :)
  • Hi @antera23 did you test today?
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