Husband has ZERO interest in kids.

paigemarieRN

Hello, difficult topic for me here.

Before we got married, my husband was all about "we'll give it a year and then start talking about kids, it'll be no problem, I can't wait to have a family". I got my IUD out in August, which seemed to scare the crap out of him, and since then we hardly ever have sex. He gets really freaked out when I mention any fertility stuff, or even say the word "baby", if I have any reaction to a friend's pregnancy, if I bring up the spare room we've set aside as a future nursery, etc. 

He's gotten upset about me "pushing him" to have a baby, even though we've been married for almost 3 years, I'm 28, and he's 30. I understand he gets stressed about money being tight, but that's never really going to be perfect, in any situation. 

He also recently opened up about being OCD and having problems with the house being "disorganized" to him, and I feel like that's a huge issue for him with having a child - the house will never be perfectly organized again. 

I'm in a lot of distress because I've always dreamed of being a mother, ever since I was a little girl. If I wasn't married, I would have figured out a way to be a single mother right now with a baby of my own. It's all I want. I feel like I'm having to choose between him and a child. 

Help?

meggyme

If your husband’s OCD and anxiety is keeping him from being able to live his life then he should see a therapist. If however, he has just changed his mind or is a bit nervous about starting a family, then I think you need to be sensitive and maybe encourage him to talk some of your other friends that are dads. Becoming a parent is something you’re never truly ready for but hesitancy and wanting to be as prepared as you can be is understandable.

hestia-is-wearie

+1 to suggesting therapy for your husband’s OCD. If you’ve been together this long and he is just now telling you about it, either it’s really eating at him or he’s telling you as a sign of trust. He might be hesitant since you just learned about his OCD, but him getting help will aid him in many areas of his life, not just future kids. 
I feel like DH and I have had very similar conversations as you and yours. I don’t hold it against men for being skittish about their female partners’ fertility: many of us are just now learning at this phase, so what do they know? When it comes to sex, I recommend explaining your cycle to your husband. I’ve opened up my fertility app and pointed out my fertile window to DH. That helped put his mind at ease a lot. I now give him regular “cycle updates”
And I’ve definitely heard DH say I’m “pushing” him for kids a few times. Ask yours, what would make him feel “ready?” If it’s finances, there are plenty of budgeting tools you can use to draft up what they might look like with a little one. Granted, it’s probably not going to flip a switch in his head and he’s suddenly 100% on board. Definitely talk to and spend time with friends/family members who are new parents. I’ve told DH many times that if we wait until we’re “ready,” we’ll be waiting forever, and every parent I talk to agrees. Now I think he’s starting to believe me.

lindanp

I agree with previous replies.  I just want to add that I've been where you are and it is very hard.  I think my H just got on board with TTC last month and I told him I was ready to TTC about 18 months ago.  It's been a process of conversations and encouragement but I wouldn't have wanted to do it any other way.  We've talked about our expectations of parenthood, our concerns about what we will each have to sacrifice, what we each feel needs to be completed/saved/purchased/etc. (and why) in order to feel as ready to start as possible.  I thought I knew him so well before we started having our "are we ready?" talks, but we are even closer now. 

Therapy is a great idea--For his OCD and as couples therapy, if you want.  I'm a firm believer that there should be no shame or stigma to attending therapy.  It's just smart!  Start with your own vulnerability to allow him to be comfortable opening up.  And allow the conversation to stay open while you both think about what you want.  We seem to always end conversations with a "I'll think about this, and you think about that, and then we'll talk about it again soon."

Good luck!  It's hard to be in the spot that you're in but it's temporary, and you will feel better with each talk you have.  Remember that you are each others' biggest supporter and ally in this journey.

MzFergie77

Money being “tight” is a huge issue for me too. I would stress about it big time. Either we do things that make it better or I wasn’t going to do it. I just don’t believe in bringing a baby into the equation if I’m struggling already. I know people always say there is no perfect time but I waited until my finances were where I wanted them.