I'm an active duty USAF member, 36 years old, married to the love of my life for the past six years, been together for eight. I have four healthy children, my oldest and only Daughter is 15, my twin boys are 13 next month and my youngest boy will be four next month. This is my second marriage and my oldest three are from my previous marriage. In the past three years, I have been away from home for more than half of that time due to military commitment. In 2015, I was notified of a short tour (365 day deployment) departing in October 2015. I had to leave in July of 2015 to complete six weeks of training and was, at the time, still BF'ing my toddler who had just barely turned one. I left for training, returned end of August and then left again in October for my deployment. While gone for my 365, I quit taking my BCP (which I had been on for the past two years). I returned home in October 2016 and was notified of a 181 day deployment starting in July of 2017. My Hubby and I had been trying to get pregnant but it wasn't meant to be. I was informed that I was going through pre menopause (which was why I was having difficulties getting pregnant again) and left for my deployment in July 2017. During my deployment, ALL of my premenopausal symptoms disappeared. I returned home January 2018. We immediately started TTC again and found out I was pregnant in February. I went for an ultrasound beginning of March to get a more accurate due date and found out we were having twins again. After that, everything was a whirlwind. I went to the OBs fairly regularly as the twins were identical and they were modi so monitoring their growth was essential. We went for a checkup on June 4 and the MFM Dr told us everything was fine, to come back in two weeks. My regular OB appointment was on June 7 and we received the most heart wrenching news I've ever heard, no heartbeat/movement. We went directly to the main hospital to confirm and my regular OB told us to take our time coming to terms with the passing of our twins and then get back with her to determine when to do a vaginal delivery. We were admitted to the labor ward on June 8 and delivered our baby boys on June 10. I've had friends who've had miscarriages and have been on the other end of the "must've been something wrong, you can always try again". You truly don't understand until you've been through it. Sadly, we've now been through this and I stress a lot over it. I realize I have four healthy beautiful children to be thankful for, but I'm not ready to give up yet and still want my last baby(s). I'm stressing over the fact that I was going through pre menopause and then it disappeared and we were able to get pregnant and now we're going to try again and I'm so nervous the pre menopause symptoms will come back and we'll never have our last baby. And now, to make matters even worse, I was just notified this week that I'm up for another 181 deployment departing in January 2019. I lost my Mother unexpectedly in March 2018 and now the twins at 14.5 weeks in June and the loss from both are inexplicable. My Hubby feels my pain and my older children somewhat understand but have moved on which I am ever so thankful for. My toddler still asks if the babies are in my tummy and when will he be able to play with them...heartwrenching. My follow-up appointment with my OB is next week and I pray she says we can start TTC again immediately. My only concern is how will it feel (if we are so lucky) to be pregnant again after the loss? Will I feel guilty for feeling thankful and happy or will I be able to move on? Considering this was my first and only MC for the past 16 years, I feel lucky but now I have no idea what to expect. Thanks for reading and look forward to talking with you ladies about TTC in this board.