Questions week of 6/11

binxybaby

@AdorkablePixie We are thinking of doing a space theme too! I'm pretty excited about it, but trying to figure out what the best paint color would be. I'm thinking a deep blue might be too dark, but then again, it would look awesome.

morgantu

@hkom so i am also struggling with the whole shower situation. I personally don't think an open house is a bad idea, but i also am not a fan of traditional showers so i don't think all of the "etiquette" rules are necessary. We were thinking something like a co-ed bbq which would function in the same way, no games, no gift opening, just hanging out and talking with our friends. I mean, that's essentially what a housewarming party is, isn't it? Show up, bring a gift, hang out. I think it's fine. 

runrinserepeat

@hkom I guess I can see people being upset about not getting to social experience, but meh. 

We’re doing something similar after baby comes, but it’ll be more to just see the baby than bring gifts. 

Jens_Hoes

@hkom the reason why people say not to throw your own shower is because it can seem "gift grabby".  When someone else throws you a shower, they are asking others to give you a gift, when you throw your own shower, you are asking others to give you gifts. 
You could have someone "throw it for you" but also have it at your house. I don't think its a terrible idea, but I also don't like the idea of throwing your own shower.

hkom

runrinserepeat said:

@hkom I guess I can see people being upset about not getting to social experience, but meh. 

We’re doing something similar after baby comes, but it’ll be more to just see the baby than bring gifts. 

It certainly will still be a social experience.  People can stay as long as they'd like in the multiple-hour-long window.  They can show up right at the beginning and not leave until they very end if they want, but they won't be obligated to.  They also can leave after 15 minutes if they want, and not feel guilty about missing any of the ~activities~

scaredunprepared

@hkom we are thinking of a backyard co ed bbq, maybe hosted by my sister, mom, or maybe even at our new home since it would double as a housewarming party. We aren't asking for much since my sister will be passing along all her stuff to us.  Probably really just stroller, carseat, jumper/ swing and diapers/wipes.  That way it's more a celebration than a reason to ask for gifts. If that makes sense.

runrinserepeat

hkom said:

runrinserepeat said:

@hkom I guess I can see people being upset about not getting to social experience, but meh. 

We’re doing something similar after baby comes, but it’ll be more to just see the baby than bring gifts. 

It certainly will still be a social experience.  People can stay as long as they'd like in the multiple-hour-long window.  They can show up right at the beginning and not leave until they very end if they want, but they won't be obligated to.  They also can leave after 15 minutes if they want, and not feel guilty about missing any of the ~activities~

I just meant to say I’d be disappointed if I missed my great aunt or someone like that, yknow? I suppose those people can hang out the whole time though. Eh. 

hkom

@runrinserepeat That's true.  Although I feel like if you really had a goal of seeing a particular person/people, you would try to coordinate with them to be there at the same time?

runrinserepeat

@hkom the point is kind of moot because this is what you want to do, I’m just telling you reasons fuddy duddies like me would be disappointed. I really enjoy things like this because I get to catch up with everyone. Coordinating with everyone on the guest list isn’t really something I’d be up for or interested in doing. 

kristah2

I'm mixed on it. If I was hosting: Drop in seems a whole lot easier. It's less pressure to plan things and have enough food out and take away gifts etc etc that comes with hosting a shower. As a guest: I'd rather set times (ie. 12-2). I find when things are drop in I feel obligated to stay, or get hooked into staying longer as new people show up. I also feel like a drop in baby shower is gift-grabby like "come by and see me and leave when you want, I'm not planning anything because I just want your gift" versus a housewarming party it's like come see our house! or if the baby was born "come meet the baby!". I don't know. I've been invited to drop in things before and I just don't feel as wanted as I do when it's a more intimate shower. 
That said - that is my opinion as being a guest. Ultimately you have to do what you want and if it's easier and less stressful I feel its that best option!
Side note: I think hosting a drop in BBQ, or meet the baby and less baby shower would seem a little better. Like "We want to celebrate one last time before the baby comes! Drop in between 12-5 on Saturday, we will be BBQ'ing all afternoon and hanging out in the backyard having some beer and virgin drinks and playing some lawn games!" Then it's more like a big gathering. But advertising it as a shower just seem gift grabby to me.

hkom

@runrinserepeat I understand what you mean.  If I had a bunch of extended family coming in from out of town who would be looking to see each other all at once, I would probably do it the traditional way.  Probably 80-90% of the people who would come to my shower all live in the same greater metropolitan area, and see each other very frequently, so that's just not really a concern for my specific situation.  

AGK2015

@hkom on the flip side, that's exactly the kind of baby shower I'd be delighted to attend. Showers are legitimately the worst, largely because they're so structured. Don't feel like peopling today? Only other person you know is the bride/pregnant person? Too effing bad, she's just getting started opening gifts, can't just cut and run. There's no just swinging through or leaving early, so too bad if you wanted or needed to do literally anything else with your Saturday. It's a recipe for painful clockwatching. I'd much rather be able to come and go freely so that I can enjoy the time I'm present rather than dreading how much time I have left.

My own shower was the painful variety. I'd have happily foregone every single gift if I could have gotten out of it, but both my MIL and mom were each adamant about wanting to throw one, and I only narrowly escaped with just one. Do what makes you happy; late pregnancy is miserable enough without being pressured into things you don't want.

katy0990

@hkom I think having a BBQ at your house is a good idea, but I would recommend you have someone else host it if it is a shower. If it is more of s meet the baby type event, I don’t see a problem with that. Do you need a lot of baby items? If not, you could do a coed diaper and wipes BBQ. I have been to one like that and it was lots of fun and very laid back.

kadeephd

@hkom My SIL and BIL did something like that.  I think they had a shorter window of time so it wasn't as much of a "drop in" kind of thing, so basically everyone overlapped.  It was at their house, co-ed and there were no traditional shower games.  They also didn't distribute a registry as far as I know, but people still brought stuff.  I thought it was great.  I have never been to a traditional baby shower before so I don't have much to compare it to though.

hkom

Re: "gift-grabby"
Is not the entire point of a baby shower to help the parents prepare by bringing gifts?  Making a registry and having a shower in general is "gift-grabby."  This is not going to be an invite-100-people-to-bring-a-gift-and-leave type thing.  I am going to personally spend time with everyone who comes.  The invite list will probably be 20-30 people.  For my wedding, most people stayed for at least an hour or two, but those who had other things to do had no pressure to stay for a certain allotted time that they otherwise would have if I had given a set timeframe without the "open-house" distinction.  We are going to have tons of food and drinks and plenty of non-scheduled games if people want to partake.   

I've just never really had an "intimate" experience at a traditional shower that makes me feel like that's a more personal way to do things.  I've been to a lot of showers where there is never even a chance to speak to the bride/mother because she is propped up at the front of the room while everyone is being funneled through the activity train of "now we eat" and "now we play games" and "now we open presents."   I feel like having less structure and people coming at different times actually allows me to mill around and talk to everyone personally as opposed to just interacting with everyone through a predetermined schedule.   I suppose I could just have a traditional shower with a set time but with no games or scheduled meal.  But then wouldn't that be the same thing as initially proposed, except people have the feeling that they are obligated to stay for the whole thing?

hkom

@AGK2015 Thanks for the affirmation haha!  I just really hate traditional showers, and wedding receptions honestly (see my post immediately above).  They actually seem incredibly impersonal to me.

@katy0990 Unless people start offering things up, we need literally everything.  I would probably have my mom "host" it, but it would be at my house because it's more convenient and we have a better backyard space.

@kadeephd The shorter window is a good idea.  It certainly wouldn't be, like, all day.  Maybe 3 hours?

katy0990

@hkom I think in some people’s minds, it seems less gift grabby if someone else decides to host or throw a shower for the mom-to-be, so your mom hosting avoids that. I don’t think there is an issue with the proposed concept, just with the idea of you throwing it for yourself. But, you know your guests and whether or not they will have an issue with the set up or not. 

tumbleweed-1

@hkom I’m with you! I need ALL the baby things too- I mean, I don’t have any baby stuff. I don’t think anyone will host a shower for us because everyone we know expects us to do it (maybe we’re “progressive” or maybe we’re white trash, idc, I’m not looking too much into it). I’ve had family members on my side and SO’s side ask when we are having our baby shower.

As I said before, if I can’t find a sincere reason aside from traditional “etiquette” to not host one’s own party, then that tradition can die. (These are just my own very strong opinions). I think it’s beautiful if someone wants to host for an expecting parent, but I’m not down for shaming a mom who wants to throw her own party because “it isn’t what you do”. 

And I love throwing parties for my friends and family. I don’t see it as anymore “grabby” than inviting people to a birthday or holiday party. Plus, people like to buy baby stuff, expecting parents need baby stuff, I like to throw parties, people like to attend parties (with some exceptions). Win-win. And to the argument of “then don’t call it a baby shower” I don't know wtf else I would call it to make it clear what kind of party it is. It’s just a title. 

Edit- painful typos. 

kristah2

I think if you want to hold your own shower - go for it! I don't believe the etiquette of it.
For me, at 35 weeks-ish pregnant the LAST thing in the world I want to do is spend 2 days cleaning my house, a day decorating/setting up PLUS all the shopping and cooking etc to HOST. And then spend what feels like 2 more days cleaning up after.
That's why I'm pro someone else hosting.
DS turns 2 end of October and I'm like NOPE - NOT IN MY HOUSE! and plan to rent something out for him. I just don't have it in me to host that far along. And I generally like hosting! We do a Christmas party every year among other things. But not when I'm that pregnant. 

hkom

@tumbleweed-1 Haha if having my shower at my house makes me white trash then so be it!  It sounds like we have the same opinions!  Honestly, all of the etiquette and rules surrounding this kind of stuff is very Hyacinth Bucket and I find it to be ridiculous.  

I like to throw parties as well, so asking someone to bear the burden of hosting for me just so I don't seem "gift-grabby" is so silly.  Any expecting mother who makes a registry and let's someone else host for her is also asking for gifts.  If you truly don't want gifts, then refuse the shower, no matter who hosts.  I'm just trying to make it more enjoyable for people and easier for myself.  I'm not sure what's bad about that.

And disguising it as a BBQ is just that - disguising it.  If the reason you're having it is because you're having a baby, it's still going to be a baby shower whether you want to call it that or not.

runrinserepeat

Okay here’s the thing. You guys can justify it til the cows come home and I get it if it works best for you that way. When the question was originally posed it sounded like a “can anyone think of a reason people might not like this?” And honestly if you don’t follow etiquette precisely, you’re probably going to wind up with at least one person clutching their pearls. Right? But if that’s more your jam, do it! 

I’m apparently a weirdo who likes talking to people (even strangers) and playing games and also don’t feel all that awful cutting out of a party early if I’m not feeling it. 

hkom

@kristah2 I will have loads of help to prepare the house.  My mom is great at stuff like that and H will be around to help as well.  I will probably have mine a tad earlier too to avoid the late-pregnancy misery as much as possible and to take advantage of the last bits of good weather.

kristah2

@hkom then absolutely go for it!! I really believe that each person and mom needs to do whats best for them. You asked for reasons and I just gave my own personal opinion. But I would never judge someone for hosting their own shower, doing drop in, or renting out a giant ball room at the crown plaza! 
For me - hosting my own just wouldn't work (as I said, I won't even host DS's birthday party) BUT the way I see it is you're attending the shower/party/housewarming etc because you love and care about the person/couple/baby. Who cares how it's done?
Your mind is made up - start planning and have fun! 

katy0990

@hkom That is good that you will have plenty of help. Earlier will also be nice because you will have plenty of time write thank yous and to wash, put together, and arrange your gifts. 

hkom

Thanks @kristah2!!  I will most likely do it somewhere along these lines.  I'm a pretty non-traditional person when it comes to stuff like this so I'm fully aware that what I do may be outside of the norm for what some people expect from a Baby Shower.  Maybe I didn't word the original post clearly enough for some, but I mainly wanted to make sure I wasn't missing anything from a logistics or practicality standpoint, and I guess maybe to affirm my thought process.  

morgantu

I have a question about hospital procedures for after the baby is born. I have seen a number of people that plan to refuse the eye ointment for the baby. Can anyone elaborate on why you might skip this? Thanks!

PensiveCrayon

@morgantu It's used as a means of protecting against STD's that the mother may or may not be carrying, but I'm planning on declining it. I know my sex practices are 100% safe, and I trust my husband. Here's a link you can read further, because I'm not always the best at explaining things.

echo-charlietango

Re: showers entirely
Yeah...I'm happy that we're not having a shower at all. Being away from family & established friends makes it easier! However, I love a good thought experiment, and if we did have a shower, I would push for a co-ed BBQ drop-in. I would let folks know that baby shower games will not be held, and that we would like some diapers. The emphasis would be on seeing people, not gifts. Most of our friends have multiple kids, so they would be all about the practical aspects of everything.

katy0990

@morgantu It protects against eye infections caused by STDs and some other rare infections including E. coli. Some people decline it because they know they are not at risk for STD’s. We gave it to DS because my water had been broken for 27 hours before delivery and I developed a fever, so there was some concern about infections. We were able to wait a few hours, though, so he could see us clearly for the first few hours.If you have a planned c-section and your water does not break, they do not require it.

maureenmce

@morgantu I do it just to be safe. I know it's primarily for STDs, which I know I don't have, but it can also is a catchall that can prevent other rare infections and I'd rather not take any chances. Everyone's different though, it's just about weighing your personal pros and cons!

Jens_Hoes

I'm team give me all the drugs and preventative medicine.  I have no STD's but my daughter got it when she was born last year.

kristah2

@hkom I don’t think you’re missing anything logistically, especially considering you’ve already thought about hosting and know you have the help at home for it since I think that’s the biggest reason to let someone else host. 
I think you’re going to have a wonderful shower!! Sorry for it seeming like I was creating doubt or going against it! I’ll be waiting for my invite  

hkom

@kristah2 No worries!  You didn't come across that way at all.  I wanted people to chime in with opinions, even if they didn't agree with me, so I could talk myself through my reasoning and make sure it made sense on paper / out loud and not just inside my stubborn head    

Of course you're invited!  

ETA:  Also,  if everyone had chimed in with a resounding "NO!  What is wrong with you,  you psycho?!" then I definitely would have rethought my approach! 

kristah2

Just bumping this up so it's higher then the giant questions thread and we can make this a weekly thing. 

CecilB93

I can't edit the original one I started, sorry. My old board didn't do weekly threads for questions, just one big one, so I didn't really think about that when I started it.

AdorkablePixie

@hkom There are pros and cons to that. Everyone pretty much already said everything so I'll just say you do what works best for you!!

@morgantu We did the eye ointment with DS and will again. I don't have STDs and neither of us sleep around, but it won't hurt anything and I'd rather be safe than sorry.

@runrinserepeat I am totally not a fan of talking to people I don't know. lol Also, I tagged you in something earlier and I am pretty sure I did rinserunrepeat instead. Oops.

runrinserepeat

Does anyone have a good rule of thumb for how many pieces of clothing we might need in each size?

AdorkablePixie

@binxybaby Awesome! I am thinking a blue too, or like a deep purple. I somehow want stars painted on too. lol I think it's going to end up complicated but adorable. I know you can order wall clings online that have planets and stuff.

hkom

runrinserepeat said:

Does anyone have a good rule of thumb for how many pieces of clothing we might need in each size?

Perfect question!  I was wondering about this last night as I was perusing Target's website and trying not to have a meltdown about baby clothes.

coco2787

@runrinserepeat it will really vary for each person, but babies can easily go through 4-5 outfits a day.  Some babies spit up a lot, others don't much at all.  If you cloth diaper you're less likely to have poop blowouts.  In the first 9 months or so they grow really fast, so you don't want too much stuff in smaller sizes.  It also depends on how often you want to do laundry, but you probably don't want sour milk or poop laundry to sit around.  That being said, 10-15 outfits per size should work for most people.