National Infertilty Awareness Week

beachbunnyxo123

It’s that time of year again, national infertilty awareness week which is from 4/22-4/28. Last year, @antoto started a great thread that I pulled word for word below. It was such a great way to open up conversation from women who have experienced IF or who have not, and I couldn’t have said it any better myself! 

Please use this thread however you would like! Share stories, turn this into a gif party, whatever.

Some ideas: 
 
Non IF women - 
* Feel free to ask for advice on how to support those living with IF
* Write a message to your IF friends letting them know how you feel for their struggle
*Share love tits, virtual hugs, gifs,  etc.

IF women - 
*Write a "Dear Fertile Women," letter letting women without IF know how you feel and what you want/need.  
*Share your IF story.  
*Share your "coming out" story (many women use this week to 'come out" as IF on social media or to friends/family
*Share gifs, love tits, virtual hugs, etc.

Sending everyone lots of love today, this week, and always.   

dpjennifer

There's also a ton of information, resources, links you can post on social media, and images/banners for social media posting found here: https://infertilityawareness.org/get-involved/get-social/
SUPER easy to use, especially if you may be unsure of where to start.

50Wife

I "came out" on FB right when we started stims.  I feel like what I wrote was lighthearted but also serious and letting everyone know what we've been going through.  I just wanted to encourage anyone who was thinking about letting the world know.  

I had what I wanted to write typed up on my notepad for a good 1-2 weeks.  When I finally decided I was going to put something on FB, I pasted it and sat without hitting post for probably 45 minutes (not even exaggerating).  I don't know what I was scared of.  Would people skim by it? Would they not care? Would people who haven't gone through it think it wasn't a big deal? Would I actually receive hurtful comments about wanting attention?
Well - none of that happened.  Friends came out of the woodwork with their stories, how they got their babies (lots of IF treatments!), how their sisters and friends got their babies, love, support, texts, PM's to share more stories. 

Bottom line...it felt amazing and I felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders.  I cried reading through the responses.  Everyone loves and supports us SO much and it blew my mind.

I put it out there because it was huge and I didn't want this big secret anymore.  I also wanted to put it out there because I have all of you amazing ladies on here.  I wanted to be there for someone who might not have anyone to lean on.  And guess what? It happened. Someone reached out to me - someone who's own family wasn't supportive and she had no one else to talk to.   That's was the biggest thing I got out of it.
I also feel like I educated a ton of people who have never thought twice about IF or IVF. 

Also, anyone reading through this who's not a regular on the IF thread, I'm totally open to answering questions on the process itself, my story, how to support a family member/friend going through IVF, etc...

LadyMillil

Canadian infertility awareness week is this week too. For any other Canadians out there you can check out fertilitymatters.ca for more information. I found a local support group through them and it was really helpful to talk to people IRL that were going through the same things as me.

tamalahoops

*Lurking from the adoption page, hi friends!* 

Dear Fertile Myrtle,

Please practice saying "wow, that sounds incredibly difficult. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Is there anything that I can do?"

Full stop. Your infertile friend knows that other people do IVF and get pregnant. They've heard 2345 stories about other infertile women who got pregnant. They know you got pregnant easily. They know about IUIs, IVF, Egg Donors, Sperm Donors, Surrogates and anything else that you might feel like suggesting. They've considered adoption. They don't need your suggestions, they need your support.

And for the love of all that is holy, stop telling us everything happens for a reason. 

Your Infertile Friend

dpjennifer

tamalahoops I am sad I can only give your statement 1 love tit!!!!!!  So here's more! 

KristoKekerooni

Can I be totally, bluntly, hatefully honest? 

This year, I really, truly hate this week. In years past, I have loved it. I have loved reading all the stories and seeing how I truly am not alone. But this year, every single story I have seen is from people who are on the other side. And really, that's amazing. But in my cold, bitter heart, it's hard. Because I see post after post of hashtag I beat infertility, and I just want to cry. Because I don't see the reality out there. I don't see the people still fighting it. I don't see the people who have "lost" forever. And that sucks. 

I know it's so, so unfair. I think it all comes back around to what @tamalahoops says. I freaking know IVF works for a lot of people. I am happy for them. I know adoption is an option. I know. This year, I just don't have the energy to fight for what I have chosen to do. I don't have the energy to see success stories and mold it into hope. 

I'm hoping I find the energy at some point to post my side, about how sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it still doesn't work. But honestly, that's a lot of energy and tears, and I'm not sure I am prepared for all that. 

Edit to add to anyone lurking or judging, I truly, seriously am happy for those that have found success. I really am. I don't lie when I comment how overjoyed I am when someone graduates. It's just seeing all the stories at once that hurts and makes me bitter. It's a me problem, not a you problem. 

Aurora1973

@KristoKekerooni Plus one to everything you said.  You are so not alone in that feeling...that you have to explain why the miracle that is IVF may not be an appropriate choice for you.  That not everyone who suffers through IF ever really gets out the other side.  That not everyone (or their partner) is prepared or enthusiastic for adoption.

The likelihood, plan and simple, is that I probably won't come out the other side of IF with a baby.  I'm 44 and my husband has low T and is probably shooting blanks, and we have six vials of sperm left.  In probably three more cycles, that will be it for us.  

Dear (More) Fertile Friend,
I love that you are optimistic and want me to have what I want most in the world.  Your encouragement is lovely.  I hope that when our try is through that you can be just as optimistic that I will make my way through life as happy as my broken heart will let me be and that you will not tell me that everything happens for a reason (+1 to that, too, @tamalahoops...huge hugs to you, friend) or that it just wasn't meant to be.  Or, even worse, that you won't tell me that miracles happen all the time...look at Janet Jackson having a baby at 50!  My husband's sperm will not magically return.

My worst fear, (More) Fertile Friend, is that I will overhear you telling another (More) Fertile Friend how sad it is that I only get to help raise my husband's child (part-time, at that), and that I would have made such a great mom.  I fear that I will be seen, and worse, feel, that I'm the sad, barren woman whose life is ruined, and that everyone will encourage me to babysit and spend time with their kids as some sort of consolation prize (I already felt like that when my SIL asked me to be my nephew's godmother...and she and my BIL have no idea we're trying...IF messes with your head).

I think the best advice I can give someone for talking to an IFer is that listening is the most important part.  There is no solution that can be offered, no platitude that makes us feel better.  Just listen.

tamalahoops

I also wanted to add a few adoption tidbits that you may have not considered before you thought "oh well, they can just adopt."

• Adoption is expensive. Our current budget for our domestic adoption is $40K. This is on the low end. Other moms I know have spent $60k +. 
• The adoption process is wrought with ethical and moral issues most people never think about. Imagine that the only way to get something you desperately want is to take it from someone else. This is not something to be taken lightly. 
• "Oh but Hoops, what about all of the babies in foster care?" This is a fallacy and is most damaging not to infertile couples but to the children in foster care. Foster care is for keeping families together. If you are not able to support the goal of reunification you should not pursue foster care. Foster care should not be used as a budget adoption option.
• Having a biological child is different. It just is. Its not better and its not worse but its different and for the most part it is what couples have made plans for. Did you consider adoption before you had your IUD removed? Probably not. The loss of the ability to have biological children is profound. I will never look into a child's face and see my own features mirrored back. 
• This is not an easy process, at all. Once we go active we will have a license to parent...literally. We will have gone through countless background checks, multiple home visits and be judged on every aspect of our life. Imagine that at your next OB appointment they ask you to complete a financial worksheet proving that you can provide for this child. Its invasive and sometimes insulting.

Adoption is beautiful and amazing and one option to grow your family. Its something we considered and talked about before we ever knew we were infertile. But it is not an option for everyone. So please don't suggest that anyone "just adopt."

KristoKekerooni

You know, @Aurora1973 , I was just talking yesterday to a friend about this. I hate that we have all this hashtag "I beat infertility" crap. In my mind, no matter if this ever works out, I will still be infertile. I would just be infertile with a child. The idea that as soon as you have a baby, you're cured just grinds my gears. If I get knocked up (and stay knocked up) it means we found a treatment that worked temporarily. Not that I am cured. My H's sperm count will still suck. He will still have the DNA issues. My body will still have the inflammatory and autoimmune response and try to kill everything. If I have a living baby someday, it just means we treated all that juuuuust long enough to conceive and carry. I am, and always will be infertile. I cannot beat infertility. Infertility is a part of me. And this competition idea that you are racing infertility (or worse, others) to "beat" it is just grotesque to me. I hate it. 

But also, this is just how my mind works, and if it helps any of you to think about something that is "beatable" then more power to you. 

beachbunnyxo123

Dear Fertile People,

It hurts everytime you ask me when I’m having children. To the point where I awkwardly make a weird comment and forget the answer I gave you. I’m surprised you didn’t see it written all over my face but you weren’t looking. It hurts when you make assumptions that me and my husband are selfish for not having kids even though we’ve been married for 5 years.  It hurts that I have to feel ashamed like it’s my fault it hasn’t happened for us yet. It hurts when you make comments insinuating infertilty is my fault. I will not “just relax”, I’m not too stressed at work, it’s not about just “enjoying sex”, I don’t want more private time with my husband before kids, it’s not okay because I’m “still young”, I don’t want another vacation, that it’s not fair to my mother in law whose waiting to be a grandmother and who has a daughter who has given her 3 grandchildren. It hurts to see a pregnancy announcement that says “FINALLY after all this time we can finally announce” when there is only 10 months between their children and you’ve been trying since before their first. It hurts when you announce your third pregnancy on FaceTime to me on the morning I found out about my CP after our only embryo from an IVF cycle. It hurts.

It helps when you say “I’m sorry that must be very difficult”. It helps when you say “what can I do to help support you”. It helps when you seem interested and just listen. It helps when you don’t judge and blame me. It helps when you don’t offer solutions. It helps when drive two hours away to the pharmacy to pick up my $6k worth of meds for my second IVF cycle and let me cry the whole way there. It helps when you encourage me. It helps when you ask for what I need and don’t assume what I need. It helps when you say “I don’t know what to say” rather than telling me I shouldn’t feel the way that I feel. 

I wish i could say this all to you, but for now, this will have to be good enough. One day I will tell you but I’m still working past the shame the stigma of IF has made me feel. Until then, I hope that someone else gets to you first so you don’t keep unintentionally hurting others close to you.

AlohaKumu

Aloha,

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and consider some of the aspects of infertility that might be unknown or strange to you. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for almost two years now. He has a genetic condition that has left him without any sperm at all, even after attempted surgical extraction. We have had two unsuccessful frozen embryo transfers using donor sperm and are looking to do what will be our final transfer this summer, regardless of the outcome. While my journey is unique, many of the sentiments expressed here will echo what my fellow infertility warriors have experienced.

You’re in limbo for the vast majority of time.

In the military, there is a saying that everyone repeats: “Hurry up and wait.” It seems like you rush as quickly as you can to be somewhere or do a task, only to find yourself in a stage of what seems like endless waiting. You wait for test results. You wait for your next procedure. You wait for your next appointment. You wait for the outcomes of your treatment. Time in the IF world is usually measured in months and years instead of days or weeks. It’s very rare that anything in the IF world happens quickly, and this waiting can be excruciating.

“Helpful” comments can make us feel worse.

As you can see in the other posts, the thoughtless comments we hear time and time again only make us feel worse. I get that prayer can be very helpful and wonderful, but if you are telling me that I’ll definitely get pregnant in “God’s time” or I just need to pray more, I’m going to be done talking to you. If prayers could solve my situation, I would have a thousand babies right now. Even doctors say things like, “When you just relax or least expect it, it will happen.” Oh really? My husband is magically going to have sperm one day, even though he has a genetic condition, and I’ll be totes KTFU just like that, huh? I have been known to make medical professionals feel awful by sharing the cold, hard truth. I even had an acquaintance share a very graphic, violent attack story with me after I told her that it’s not just going to happen spontaneously for us. Not only was it completely inappropriate for her to do that, but it was said in a way to try to make me feel pity for her and minimize my situation. I get that if you haven’t been diagnosed with infertility, you have no idea what it feels like, just like I don’t know what it feels like to have cancer or face many types of discrimination. But the best thing you can do is listen, let me process emotion if I need to, and not judge me for how I feel or what I’m doing.

Infertility is exhausting, for so many reasons

One of the toughest aspects is being your own advocate all the time, whether it’s with friends, medical professionals, or even strangers. Regardless of why we are having difficulty conceiving, there’s not one “right way” to tackle the issue, so we are constantly researching, second-guessing, and having setbacks. Although many people tell me to relax and try not to think about it, you can’t NOT think about IF with the rigid schedules, constant appointments, ongoing tests, etc. You have to find a place to take your medication and do shots at work. You have to decide who you will/won’t tell, especially when your treatments require constant time off of work. There is research that shows that families who go through long-term infertility treatments experience similar stress levels as families who go through cancer treatments. I naively figured that we could do IVF with genetic testing and would have no problem getting pregnant, as my doctors suggested. But here we are, perhaps no closer than when we started. This has been so hard for me. There are days where the tears are just coming out without me entirely knowing why. After our last embryo transfer failed, I lost about half my hair from stress. I am normally a very extroverted, resilient person, but I have locked myself in a dark room for days at a time. There are not enough mental health resources in general, but finding a provider that specializes in infertility has taken months. These women in this online community have kept me supported, informed, and sane. I truly and honestly do not know what would have happened if I didn’t have them. And even for these amazing, incredible women, there are times when it’s hard for me not just to post and ghost, since I just don’t always have the emotional energy to tag. I feel incredible guilt for this at times, but I know the others understand because they have been there, too.

Sometimes it’s really hard to be hopeful

You are constantly being knocked down throughout this process. First we found out my husband had a zero sperm count. Then he was diagnosed with a genetic condition. After that, we had to grieve when his surgery was unsuccessful. We had to face legal and medical issues while identifying and using a known sperm donor. I’ve endured months upon months of testing and medical protocols. We’ve faced the devastation of loss. Even the happiest, most resilient person reaches a breaking point. It’s hard to swallow that I can do absolutely everything I’m supposed to do along the way and still end up with nothing. I’ve been “lucky” because we are only (currently) around $15K in expenses and I had that in savings. In one of the other forums, a woman shared that she would be willing to pay any amount of money, as long as she knew with certainty that there would be a baby at the end. I’m at the point where if they told me I had to tear off one of my limbs, I would just shrug my shoulders and do it. Some days, it’s hard to believe I will have a different outcome than what I’ve already experienced. That’s the definition of insanity, right? Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome. It seems like every time there is a glimmer of hope, it’s smashed into the ground. I know I’m not the only one. I’ve seen the loss and hardship in this IF community and I have cried so many times for these ladies I’ve never met in real life. Every time someone “graduates,” I am very happy for them, but I also wonder when or if it will ever be my turn. But yet, I’m going to pull every ounce of strength inside of me to do one last transfer after more testing, trying to hope that I will have my rainbow baby.

I know this was quite long, but I think I could write endlessly about infertility. It has consumed my life. I will never be the same person I was before this journey. But I am so, so thankful that I have not been alone or forced to do this in silence. If you know someone struggling with IF, please just listen to her. It will help more than you know.

Aurora1973

@AlohaKumu for the millionth time, I so want to hug you.  That was amazing, friend.

@KristoKekerooni YES!! Perhaps a better hashtag is "I didn't let infertility beat me."  It is universal, and acknowledges that even if you get a take home baby, infertility never goes away...as well as those of us who never get to experience that joy, in that we work toward leading full, yet altered lives.  I'm working hard at not letting it ruin my life, and the whole thing I shared about giving up responsibility and acknowledging that it really is out of my hands is the only way I feel like I can do that.  It is empowering, but I also have to acknowledge that it doesn't solve everything.  I still am/will be devastated by the loss of the life I thought I would have.

50Wife

I just want to give all of you ladies hugs 

KristoKekerooni

beachbunnyxo123 said:

*snip*
 I’m surprised you didn’t see it written all over my face but you weren’t looking. 
*snip*

THIS ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

lulu1180

I really want to thank all of you for encouraging me last week to post during NIAW.  I started writing a post and over the weekend realized that it sounded like I was looking for pity.  So I scrapped my original thoughts and started over yesterday morning.  I was doing fine until I hit the post button and then the anxiety hit.  I didn't want to seem like I was just looking for attention or pity or like I was scolding someone simply for being fertile.  I ended up getting quite a few very supportive responses (and even got a couple responses from people who have struggled or know someone who is).  All in all, it was an amazing feeling with all the love I received.  The first two responses I got were from people who struggled and I was nearly in tears reading them from the relief that I wasn't alone.  Here is what I wrote:

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother; the life that I always imagined with whomever I chose to marry always included a child or two running around. I have never even considered the fact that I might not have any kids and never thought I would have to. Until now. We started trying to get pregnant as soon as we got married in June 2016; there was no history of infertility in my family that I was aware of so I never expected to have any problems. When we started struggling and I realized that this road might be a bit longer than I originally anticipated, I started to feel alone and ashamed and that I was less of a woman because my body couldn’t seem to do what it was made for; and what comes so easily to so many women. Even now I sometimes have feelings of bitterness or anger towards women who are pregnant or already have children that had an easy time of it; and towards people who are blessed with children but are undeserving because they choose to hurt or abuse them.

Infertility is by far one of the most emotionally difficult things I have dealt with. It is not something that goes away or is easily forgotten. It stays with you week after week and month after month. It takes a huge toll on you-mentally, emotionally, and even physically. I have lost count of the times I have ended up in tears because I wasn’t pregnant or the time that my husband has had to hold me while sobbing uncontrollably. And unless you have personally experienced infertility, it is difficult to truly understand. If you have a friend that is dealing with infertility, I encourage you to reach out and simply say to them “How are you doing? What can I do to support you?” Please don’t try to give them advice because they’ve either already heard it or have tried it themselves. Don’t offer solutions such as fertility treatments or adoption; chances are they’ve looked into both of those or have already started treatments. Not to mention, both of those can be very costly and neither is a guarantee; doing IVF through the Cleveland Clinic is a minimum of $10,000 for a 40%-50% chance of success at best. If you have a friend like this, don’t incessantly talk to them about your children, whether it’s bragging or complaining. They don’t need the reminder of what they don’t have. And please don’t ever tell us to “just relax” or to “stop trying and let it happen” because getting pregnant doesn’t come that easy to everyone.

Finally, if one of you out there is struggling right now, please know you aren’t alone. I am always here to lend an ear to a friend in need and I know how difficult this road can be. Please don’t ever hesitate to reach out to me if you need someone to talk to.

50Wife

@lulu1180 that is perfect!!! So proud of you for posting!!

KristoKekerooni

So I did end up posting on Instagram. I haven’t decided if I will post this on Facebook. My instagram is a TTC account, Facebook isn’t. Obviously. 

dragonette505

I wasn't even sure I could come read this thread because I simply haven't been able to deal with the whole infertility week, thing. I guess because I WISH I could only think about it one week of the year instead of 24 hours a day 7 days a week. But i'm glad I did... everything y'all have posted here is 100%. It amazes me that I don't even have to open my mouth... you all have said all of everything! 
It shows how this experience strips you down to the essentials. We are all from a million different places and probably have vastly different lives, but you wouldn't know it when if comes to IF... I guess when the heartbreak and tragedy are about life and death essentials, those other details just fall away.
I love you ladies I think the way a soldier loves the people they have gone to war zones with. Only they will know what you've been through, only they could understand. 

lulu1180

dragonette505 said:

*snip*
I love you ladies I think the way a soldier loves the people they have gone to war zones with. Only they will know what you've been through, only they could understand. 

@dragonette505 Perfectly said!  

rallykat14

I'm only here to agree with @dragonette505.  I really can't handle this week and having so much in my face.   Then I come here and you've all put my feelings in these posts.   I can't thank you ladies enough for your support and I would not make it through without it! 

Aurora1973

@KristoKekerooni Well, that made me well up.  Those images, wow.  I'm not even doing IVF, and it still says everything.  I think for me it's about the effort, expense, time, and tears, and loss of hope, that come along with IF in general...and that pile of needles really paints the picture.  It's so powerful, and you did it boldly.  Hugs, friend.

@dragonette505 and @rallykat14 It's been a hard week for me, too.  Huge hugs to you.

rallykat14

@Aurora1973 thinking of you.  

In addition to everything that everyone has said.. . Infertility is keeping secrets from your friends because you aren't ready to share.   I'm really struggling with this and my DH likes to keep things private but I'm feeling so isolated and secretive . ..

50Wife

@rallykat14 My husband is the same way and initially didn't want me to tell anyone but I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't go through the test and procedures and disappointment and only have him to talk to.  I mean, he's going through this with me and he gets it more than anyone else in my life, but sometimes you just need to tell other people.  I told my mom & sister and then months later told one friend (Now everyone knows - it makes me happy when someone asks when we're having a baby and I can openly say oh we're doing IVF.  Hopefully it'll make them think twice going forward).
It took a while to get to this point, but guess what...this is our reality and I feel like it was stressing me out more being "alone" through it all.
I hope you're able to chat with people IRL soon about it and hopefully you can have at least that weight lifted off of your shoulders.

lulu1180

50Wife said:

@rallykat14 My husband is the same way and initially didn't want me to tell anyone but I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't go through the test and procedures and disappointment and only have him to talk to.  I mean, he's going through this with me and he gets it more than anyone else in my life, but sometimes you just need to tell other people.  I told my mom & sister and then months later told one friend (Now everyone knows - it makes me happy when someone asks when we're having a baby and I can openly say oh we're doing IVF.  Hopefully it'll make them think twice going forward).
It took a while to get to this point, but guess what...this is our reality and I feel like it was stressing me out more being "alone" through it all.
I hope you're able to chat with people IRL soon about it and hopefully you can have at least that weight lifted off of your shoulders.

^^^So much this^^^^

rallykat14

@50Wife