Fertility struggles

missilaneous82

To start, sorry this is so long.

My husband and I had been trying to conceive for 4 years before we sought the counsel of an RE. After all the bloodwork, semen analysis and other tests it was determined that there was no physical reason for or infertility. After several timed cycles with the aid of femara and estrace (because they didn't know what else to try) we still were unable to conceive. It was offered to try IUI, but given there was no diagnosable cause for the infertility and the success rates for IUI aren't that much better than TTC naturally, hubby and I decided to forgo any further medical treatment and continue trying on our own.

After 18 more months of trying and still nothing I had actually come I the realization that having children probably wasn't in the cards for us and, through a lot of soul searching was finally at peace with this realization. Then 2 months later,  miraculously, I was pregnant! I was over the moon excited but my excitement was soon shattered when that pregnancy ended in miscarriage after 7 weeks.

After the miscarriage hubby and I decided that we were going to pursue IUI since we thought the chances may be better. I was started on the same course of low dose femara and estrace, went in for my mid cycle ultrasound which showed 3 good follicles around 15-16mm and was told of I didn't have a positive OPK within 3 days to call and they'd send in a prescription so I could do a trigger shot. I had a positive OPK the next day, went in and had bloodwork to confirm I was surging - LH was 67, so proceeded with the IUI and in the subsequent days had cramping, brown bleeding and clotting. My RE had me come back in for bloodwork which indicated that I had not ovulated. Went back the next day for more bloodwork and ultrasound which confirmed I had not ovulated. My RE and nurse at the office said that they'd never seen anyone with my numbers and would have to discuss it to create a plan. The next day the nurse called and told me they wanted me to take a high dose of femara and come back for ultrasound and bloodwork 2 days later. 2 days later, no ovulation but the ultrasound showed 2 follicles over 17mm and 1 at 15mm. Was told if no positive OPK in the next 2 days to do the trigger and schedule IUI for 36h later. Guess what? No positive so I had to trigger and had the IUI yesterday. I'm trying to stay positive but given the strange-ness of this cycle am finding it hard to do so. I can feel my emotions getting to me like they did in the early years of TTC and am questioning why I did this to myself when I had learned to be ok. I'm in search of advice on how to cope. 

wishing-and-hoping

@missilaneous82 I'm sorry for the stress you're going through.  Each cycle can be so different from the last, and I feel like I re-learn that with each cycle.  Even though I know it won't be, I keep expecting it to be the same, and am always surprised when it isn't.
I'm not sure what's going on with your levels and apparent lack of ovulation this time around, but it sounds like your clinic is being really thorough with the continued monitoring for ovulation.  I have never had my LH tested in bloodwork and I've also never had bloodwork to confirm ovulation (maybe I'm the minority?)
Anyway, I'm not sure I can offer any great advice on coping, other than, you're not alone.  We all get our hopes up and then feel let down when things don't go quite right.  I hope this cycle is successful for you - feel free to join in the April IUI thread while you are in your TWW.  My IUI is Wednesday so I'm not too far behind you!

funkykey

@missilaneous82 - I'm sorry for your struggles, and that you've had to join us here. I hope these boards provide you with some comfort, though.

You said: "I can feel my emotions getting to me like they did in the early years of TTC and am questioning why I did this to myself when I had learned to be ok." 

That resonated with me, strongly. In my experience, IF grief has a way of sneaking up on you. We've been trying for a few years, and at first - in the first few months of trying - I was on such a roller coaster. After about 9 months of TTC, before we met our RE, I was calmer. Then when we started treatment, back on the roller coaster.

Now, for the most part, I'm going through the motions. But once in a while, like when I'm around a newborn or a treatment fails, the grief comes and hits me so hard. And just when I think I've made peace with it, or with the possibility of not having children, that's when the grief comes and punches me in the face.

Anyway, best of luck to you, however you decide to proceed. FX this cycle works for you, or that you find peace again.

missilaneous82

@wishing-and-hoping Thank you for your response. I think that, just knowing there are others who are going through similar things gives me comfort and helps me feel less alone. I am glad that my RE office is being extra thorough with the bloodwork and am trying to tell myself that this cycle is not the norm and keep calm for the TWW while trying to decide if I want to keep going. Thank you for the suggestion about joining the April TWW group, I will head over there.

missilaneous82

@funkykey IF grief is the grief that keeps on giving. Just knowing that I'm not alone in this and being able to talk about it gives me comfort. I don't think IF it's anything you can "get over", you just adapt and learn skills to "get through". I don't wish IF struggles on anyone.  Best of luck to both you and wishing and hoping. 

dragonette505

There’s no one way to cope but talking and humor seems to be some of the better ways... I think we are all on here just being the glue to hold each other together. I’m not sure what I’d do without these girls. Did you hop on an iui board for this month? I always recommend it because these women will be in the trenches with you every day.... we know each other appointments and go through betas and hpt’s together. I want to encourage you that having gotten pg naturally really can be a sign that there may be some treatment to help you. I really hope your stay on the board is short. 

missilaneous82

@dragonette505 Thanks for your response. I will pop over to an IUI board. I'm glad that I found this forum as an outlet for my experiences and am trying my darndest to stay as positive as possible.