Relationship Problems- Real or Hormones? — The Bump
September 2018 Moms

Relationship Problems- Real or Hormones?

First time momma here! I've been with my fiance for over a year now, and before that we'd been friends for ten years. This pregnancy was unplanned, so of course that put a lot of strain on our relationship. In the first trimester I was very distant from him- I didn't want to be touched or cuddled- and it worked out because be was having an incredibly dramatic, two month long "there's a baby coming" meltdown, during which he dropped out of school and moved in the middle of his lease. He's calmed down now, but he still doesn't really consult me on decisions that seriously impact our family's future, and he's being recklessly irresponsible with his decision making.

I'm finding that I can't shake the feeling that I don't want to be with him anymore. He's been so dramatic and irresponsible with everything so far, and I feel like it's just not worth it to me. It's like I'm the only adult in the relationship. I just really want to be done... I'm not interested in trying to raise two kids here- him and my baby girl. 

I'm really just wondering if anyone else has felt this during pregnancy? Like this serious separation or detachment from your SO? I can't tell if my feelings are real or hormonal, and I really don't want to make a decision just to find out in 5 months that it was all hormone related..

Re: Relationship Problems- Real or Hormones?

  • Hi @steviemburns, it sounds like you have a lot going on! It’s good that you’re taking some time to figure out where your feelings are coming from. For me I have a hard time in pregnancy wanting to be physically close with my partner, and find myself getting much more easily irritated with him. That being said, if you’re having serious doubts about your relationship I would encourage you to seek out a counselor to help you both communicate through things and figure out what’s going to be best for you. Having an impartial third person to mediate can really help keep things civil and clear. 

    I hope this helps a little; it’s so hard to navigate that kind of drama when you’re growing a little one and trying to think about how to best care for them. Whatever your decision, I hope you come to find peace and happiness. 
  • I second the counselor recommendation. Pregnancy and having an infant can be a huge strain on a relationship and it’s unlikely to get better on its own. If you guys can get to a good place before baby comes then great, because having a baby is hard. And doing it alone is hard as hell. If it turns out he’s not going to grow up you can always make a decision when your hormones have calmed down a bit. 
  • @steviemburns I definitely think some of what you are feeling is hormonal....but not all of it. The physical part is totally on point. I don't want to be cuddled or touched just because I am uncomfortable with myself. Pregnancy is hard enough even with a ton of support so having that lacking and actually having a needy SO is even tougher. I agree with the above comments on counseling. It sounds like your significant other is strugging with the responsibility and life changes about to happen...and that is completely an extent. But he needs to also understand you are going through the same thing. When the baby comes, you will dedinitely not feel up to any of his shenanigans so it is so important to start now with any therapy to try to get to the bottom of what the issue is and if it can be fixed. I wish the best for you and hopefully he is having a short term freak out and snaps out of it soon.
  • I fourth the suggestion of seeking out counseling, whether it is as a couple, as others have said, or by yourself. It's impossible for us to speculate whether it's hormones or not, but a counselor can help you sort through your thoughts and emotions.
  • Counseling is great advice from all the ladies above. I would suggest going both together and on your own if possible. Maybe he just needs a wake up call that his behavior isn't helpful and is causing you a lot more stress than necessary. Good luck!

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers  

    Started TTC Nov. 2011
    1st clomid cycle June 2012- No response :: HSG August 2012- Left tube blocked, right tube clear :: 2nd clomid cycle Aug. 2012 BFN :: 3rd clomid cycle Sept. 2012 :: BFP Sept 30th :: DS born 6/15/13 :: BFP #2 7/29/14 M/C 8/5/14 :: BFP#3 10/20/14 DD born 7/1/2015 :: Applied to be surrogate April '17 :: Transferred 1 Embryo for IFs Dec. '17 :: Surro Babe born 9/11/18 :: Started 2nd Journey May '19

  • *lurking*
    + 1 seeing a councilor together and alone if you can. Part is definitely hormonal but there are also things that arise in oneself that comes from how you grew up and deal with stresses. It’s important to learn that from each other and how to work through it. Does he attend appointments with you? Does he want to help plan stuff for the baby? Maybe he needs to see you want him involved with some of the big decision making. Going to the doctor with you is a great opportunity for him to ask his own questions and feel more comfortable with the pregnancy. Things don’t get easier or fix themselves with a baby. Talk to each other about your feelings. 
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