Introduction — The Bump
TTC After a Loss

Introduction

Hello, I'm Maria. I quickly introduced myself in the April benchwarmers thread, but I want to write a bit more about myself here.
My first pregnancy turned out to be a blighted ovum, diagnosed at 8 weeks. I got scheduled for a D&C and natural miscarriage started just a few hours before the procedure. I had a fairly quick physical recovery and I'm currently waiting for first AF after my loss to TTC again.
We decided not to tell anyone (not even our parents) until 1st trimester was over, so only DH and I know. Because of that, I've felt a bit isolated, so I decided to join you instead of lurking. After my experience, I don't think it's very helpful to wait until week 13 to tell everyone, since sharing makes us feel less lonely and empathy brings us together more than anything.
I'm sorry we've met in these circumstances. I wish for all of you to have your family dreams fulfilled.
dpjennifer

Re: Introduction

  • Welcome, and sorry for your loss and that your feeling alone in all if it. It's never too late to tell people IRL if you feel like you need to. And, of course we are always here for you as well.


  • Sorry for your loss and I agree it’s not too late to tell those close to you.  I find the more I talk about it the more healing it is 
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  • Welcome and sorry for your loss.

    I’ll echo @prpl11butterfly and @Mack2342.  It’s your right to share what you want when you want.  I will say that even sharing can be isolating, too, as people that have not been through it just can’t truly and completely “get it.”  I’ve had some amazing compassionate people there for me and some comments that you can’t believe you are actually hearing.  
    dpjennifer40momma
  • Welcome and so sorry for your loss. I agree with all of the above, you can definitely still tell those that you feel will be supportive. I have been pretty open about my losses and it’s incredible the number of people who have gone through the exact same thing. They say it’s 1 in 4 but from everyone I’ve talked to it seems like that number is actually way higher! I hope being a part of this group gives you the support you need!
  • Welcome and sorry to hear you have to experience this but we are here for you. I had a similar diagnosis about 5 weeks ago at 8 wks but had D&C at 10 wks as my body missed it for so long.

    We also had not told anyone so I definitely know what you mean about the isolation. It was soooo hard to tell people and ask for support when I hadn't even told them I was pregnant. However, I found out that so many women I knew had been through this in the past and it was very healing.

    Sure there are people that don't get it... and you kind of hope they never do so you just brush off the weird comments as their attempt at giving you support and love. I did have to ask a friend to stop saying certain things and give her some things that were helpful for me to hear. Unfortunately our society is kind of awkward with grief and loss anyway, miscarriage is extra awkward.

    I will definitely be telling my core support group about my next pregnancy. We are only talking about a few people but they are people that I rely on for support.

    Sending you peace and love. I hope you find some support here!
  • Sorry for your loss, but welcome to the group.  It can definitely be isolating, so feel free to discuss/vent/ask on this board.  When I had my losses, I was surprised by how many people I told because I never thought that it would be something I'd share.  We all deal with it differently, and you have to do what feels right for you.


  • luromi I agree that the taboo to not tell anyone you're PG until after the first trimester can leave you very isolated if/when something happens. As others have said, sometimes you can still feel alone even if you tell everyone simply because of the stigma surrounding MC and that people don't know what to do/say unless they've been through it. I also didn't tell people about my first MC, and had to call my mom to tell her that not only had I been PG, but that it was a suspected molar PG, and I was going for surgery (D&E) to take the tissue out. Super difficult. I've opened up more and more and now I find it super comforting to be able to talk to people about how things are.  It was difficult at first to open up to those first few people, but since then, I have no regrets. It's WAY better to explain that I just had another BFN and am upset and crying at my desk and not really into 'work' then to have to pass off being fake happy when I'm dying inside.
  • Welcome and so sorry for your loss. We went a semi-similar route to you (only told one family member and a friend out of necessity because I was staying with her when it happened).  It can be isolating and I've felt that this helps eliminate some of that. 
  • Thank you all for your amazingly kind responses. I was very surprised when my OBGyn told me 60% of women go through some kind of pregnancy loss. I was so surprised because I haven't heard of any case with close friends and family members and I was kinda upset that it's such an awkward thing to talk about considering it's so common. I'm constantly thinking this is something at least all women willing to have children should be aware of. Surely with time I'll share with family and friends, in fact I've made a promise to myself that if any of them tell me they've gone through a miscarriage, I'll share my story with them in hopes they don't feel as isolated.
    dpjennifer
  • luromi It's definitely not something talked about, or at least not talked about as much as it should be. I am super grateful for all of the more famous/powerful women, and for all my friends/family that have publicly opened up about MC/IF/PG Loss in the last several years to start the convos on this. It's definitely something a HUGE Stigma has been set up around, and it's awful. Everyone seems to 'know' to not announce until after the 'safe' time of ending the first trimester... but they never tell you how common it is to lose a baby in that first trimester. Or how horrible you will feel because of the hormones and connection with THAT baby. They never tell you that it's probably BETTER to tell the entire world you're PG right away, so that you have a support network to fall back on if/When something happens. And if your family/friend history doesn't include people who had IF/MC struggles, then you end up in an isolated world with no support group and you feel like you're drowning. (And let's not even get into the lack of knowledge/information on TTC issues and RPL issues that have NO answer, and the number of women who never have a child even though their 'testing' shows absolutely nothing wrong with them.) Glad you're able to at least talk to us, and hope to let the world know in the future!
    irishcyclone29
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