September 2018 Moms

The Baby Shower Thread!

2

Re: The Baby Shower Thread!

  • @runninginva I too think a barbecue sounds fun. It’s also a great way to get H involved and  to celebrate with him. I don’t think I would put anything about gifts on the invite and the people who want to get something will ask about a registry. 
  • stothi said:
    @runninginva I think a last hurrah party/bbq before baby would be great. I'd leave all mention of gifts off the invite and pose it purely as a party. Some people will just automatically bring a gift, others will ask about a registry and you can give them that info one on one. No need to say gifts aren't necessary at that point, cause if they ask for registry info it means they want to bring one. Anyone who doesn't want to bring a gift just won't ask.
    As an aside, personally- and I know I'll get flamed, whatever it's cool- I think it's fine to throw one's own shower. I mean if you are willing to pay for food and drinks for everyone, why not? I mean the etiquette used to be that no one related to you at all could host the shower because it couldn't appear that anyone in the family would benefit from the shower, but now it's totally ok and expected that a close family member like a mom or a sister would give the shower. Times change, so whatever works.
    I do think your idea is enough of a party and not a "shower" per se that most folk would be totally cool with it.

    I totally agree with this ^^ (Except the throwing your own shower part. No flaming, just not something I'd be comfortable with. Good point about the etiquette changing, though. And people throw themselves birthday parties where they get gifts for no good reason except staying alive another year, which isn't really an accomplishment for most of them. Having a baby seems like a better reason compared to that! lol)

    But @runninginva I agree with the above, just don't mention gifts at all unless someone asks. Sounds like it would be a fun party!
    2/13 Blighted ovum, D&C -- 6/13 MC -- 8/14 DD born -- 3/17 MC -- 9/18 DD2 born
    Expecting again -- EDD 7/27/20
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  • @treeofcheem the birthday party thing was actually something that I was totally confused by when someone started yelling at someone else for throwing their own shower. I mean at this point I've heard from enough people to understand that a LOT of people think it's not cool to host your own baby shower, but no one could explain why it was ok to host your own birthday party. I wonder if maybe it's because as adults gifts aren't totally expected? Maybe? I don't know. I honestly don't really have strong feelings about much of any of it, but I do find it really interesting to hear what other people find acceptable/unacceptable. Learning is always good, right?
  • @stothi I think it's mostly just one of those things that's somehow a cultural should/shouldn't. Something that we don't actually think too much about. And a birthday party is about celebrating the person, where a baby shower is purposely for giving gifts (in celebration, though). So the focus is different. The same way that most people don't care if someone has a BBQ or meet-the-baby party or a last hurrah party, even if people bring gifts, we don't care about birthday parties thrown by the birthday person. Maybe?

    As I think it through, my biggest issue is that family or friends aren't stepping up to the plate if no one else is throwing a shower. That's not the parent-to-be's fault, I guess, but I don't know what the best answer to that is. If they don't have anyone they're close enough to who would do it, maybe they don't have enough people close to them to have a shower anyways. I'm thinking of a time when we lived out of the area we grew up in and had a few friends around, but my friends were mostly *very* casual friends, people that I had classes with or a few of MH's coworker's wives. I highly doubt any of them would have thrown me a shower if I'd been pregnant then, and I certainly wouldn't have done it myself. Mostly they aren't people who would have ever even seen the baby, or not more than once, so why ask them to spend their time at a shower and give gifts? It all depends on your circle of friends.

    I can also see how some people might have close family/friends who just aren't comfortable doing party planning stuff, I guess, and other people around who wouldn't feel like it was their place to throw the shower.

    If their people *would* do it but someone decided to throw herself a shower anyways, then she needs to step back and learn how to let go of some control. Whole different ball game at that point!
    2/13 Blighted ovum, D&C -- 6/13 MC -- 8/14 DD born -- 3/17 MC -- 9/18 DD2 born
    Expecting again -- EDD 7/27/20
  • @stothi I think the reason it's OK to throw your own birthday party and not your own shower is the purpose of the party. What's the purpose of a birthday party? To celebrate a person. People may or may not bring gifts, but it's not the whole purpose of the party. What's the purpose of a shower? To shower the person with gifts. Period. That's the whole purpose. If you want to have a party to celebrate the upcoming arrival of a baby you can do that...you can go ahead and throw it yourself...but it's not a shower unless the purpose of the party is to get gifts. There's no such thing as a "no gifts please" shower. By definition it doesn't exist. You can't throw yourself a party with the expressed purpose of people bringing you gifts. 

    I think part of the problem is people trying to call every pre-baby celebration a shower. It's not a shower unless it's about the gifts!
  • Thank you all for your feedback! It's much appreciated and super helpful.
  • I found out recently my MIL plans to throw a shower. Considering she is not talking to half the family including the aunt I plan to ask to be godmother and she is only recently started to warm up to me and didn't talk/allow me in her home last 6 years (been with hubby 16, married almost 4) I may not even attend. 

    My husband and I are putting our foot down and establishing boundaries with her and it's so fricken stressful but I really want my child to have a relationship with my FIL and it's not possible without a relationship with MIL bc he does not stand up to her and would let her get away with murder.

    I think some of my friends and co-workers might go out for a dinner or something also.
  • Etiquette Question, but first background information. My Mom is planning to throw me a shower in June and then my husband's family is planning to throw me a shower in a different state in July. Both my in laws and parents do not live near me. For the June shower that my Mom is hosting, my in laws were verbally invited but cannot attend because they will be on vacation. This is fine by me because: 1. They will be at the shower in July hosted by MH's family. 2. If they attended the June shower they would steal my Mom's thunder and make her feel bad. (that happened a lot when we were engaged). My Mom is so excited to host my shower and I want this to be a great day.

    Anyways, do I need to send my in laws a paper invite to the June shower? Is it rude not to since we already settled the matter and they won't be attending? My in laws can be overbearing so MH already had to talk my FIL off the ledge when he announced they would be rescheduling their vacation to attend the June shower. MH told him not to reschedule vacation, they didn't need to attend both showers, they woud be at their family's July shower etc... I'm pretty sure if we send them an invite my FIL it will start talking about changing vacation plans again. 

    Sorry this was a novel!
  • @jaylii I personally wouldn't feel obligated to send them an invitation, since you've already discussed it. I had separate showers in two different states for my DD and MH's family all came to the one hosted by his side since it was closer for them. We didn't send them invites to my local family shower since they were planning to go to the other one.
    Me: 32   DH: 32
    BFP #1: 1/23/2012  DD: Born 9/20/2012  <3
    BFP #2: 12/30/2017  DS: Due 9/10/2018  <3


  • @jaylii - I don't know what proper etiquette is either, but +1 to not sending them an invite. They already told you they weren't coming because of vacation so I'd leave it at that.
    _______________________________________________________________________________________________
    MMC 8/5/15 at 8 weeks
    DS born 9/13/16
    BFP 1/13/18 - EDD 9/20/18 - It's a boy!
  • @jaylii FWIW, mine and DH’s parents didn’t really interact much or consider each other family, but once my son arrived, they have been really great together. Our kid(s) are the only grandchildren for either side as well. Granted, we all live in the same city, but hopefully your parents and IL’s will put pettiness aside and get along well for the sake of your LO. 
  • @jaylii my in laws live in town and I still only invited them to one shower. My mom was invited to both but that’s because one was for family and family friends (thrown by my sister and aunts) and the other was thrown by my mom’s friends (the one we actually invited my step MIL to). The only person who seemed to care was my dramatic SIL who was invited to a different shower than her sister because she was invited to the one with her mom and my other SIL was invited to the one with her mom (they’re half sisters). If they complain about not getting an invite even though you know they can’t come anyway just tell them you were saving trees (you know, for the benefit of the Earth and your child to be).
  • I was one of those who missed some of my showers due to early labor. The only one we were able to attend was the one we had to fly to in my husband's home state, go figure! I missed the one my mom threw and my work shower. Work shower was held the day I delivered and my mom's shower was supposed to be the day after. DS was born at 37w5d, so not crazy early, still full term.

    TBH, I was annoyed with my boss with the way things went down because 1. I tried to politely decline the work shower and she didn't really get it, and 2. she waited until the very last minute to select a date, and then emailed the invites out with 3 days notice. I went into labor early that morning and I texted her almost immediately after I gave birth (around 11 AM) to let her know that baby was here. Everyone had already brought their gifts to the office of course, and my boss texted me asking if I would meet a co-worker I barely know to transfer the gifts to my car WHILE STILL IN THE HOSPITAL (wtf? no!). I declined and we had to make other arrangements to pick everything up a few weeks later :expressionless:

    My mom was really bummed she didn't get to host her shower, it was actually supposed to be held 2 weeks earlier, but my favorite aunt was out of the country and my mom asked if we could push it back. She's said she expects to host a shower for this baby, but I'm not on board. We've already bought 13 of our 37 registry items and I'm just not comfortable with the idea right now. I doubt I'll change my mind, but we'll see.

    On doing a freezer meal party: looks like it's an UO but I would not be excited to attend one of those :( definitely depends on your circle though. Really close friends may not mind, and if you're upfront with the type of party, then they can decide for themselves. I'd rather buy a friend a gift and enjoy some apps/drinks, hang out, ooh & aw over the gifts, rather than be put to work. I do enough kitchen work at home. :sweat_smile:
    But a note of caution- since the offer to host a shower is a gift from the hostess, I would be careful about how you ask for this type of party. They may have been expecting a traditional gift-centered shower, and changing it means there are logistics to figure out. Obv it's your right as the guest of honor to decline, but I would be careful not to railroad their plans if they aren't excited for freezer prep. 

    And ditto what PP said above: if you would like to host a party and it's not gift-focused, then you'll want to call it something other than a shower/sprinkle (since those imply gifts) and leave gifts off the invite altogether.
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  • samd6samd6 member
    We are planning a baby-q for June when we have some out of town guests who we really want to celebrate with. If people bring gifts, yay, if not, no big deal. We just want to spend time with our friends and family and eat some good food & laugh and listen to music. I have friends who are close enough to me to host, but are honestly super flakey. I want to make sure my friends and family have fun. 

    How early would you send out invites? Is FaceBook/email acceptable for invites? 


  • @samd6 the last 4 or 5 baby shower/sprinkle/baby-bqs that I was invited to, the invites were via Facebook or Evites. It's pretty common around here.

  • @samd6 - For a traditional shower I still like traditional invitations, but for a get together like you're thinking Facebook/Evites seem like a great option.
    _______________________________________________________________________________________________
    MMC 8/5/15 at 8 weeks
    DS born 9/13/16
    BFP 1/13/18 - EDD 9/20/18 - It's a boy!
  • @samd6 I agree that for the type of event you are taking about an evite/Facebook is fine. Just don’t forget the people who don’t have Facebook. They will want to celebrate you too, but people often forget to invite those who don’t do social media.
  • At the beginning my mom, sister and mother in law were talking about throwing me one. I’m 22 weeks now and I noticed the hype is gone. My mom in law works too much and she contacted me to ask if we were having one or if my mom was gonna throw me one. My mom told me she wasn’t and my sister said she was too busy. You may think they just wanna surprise me but that’s not how my family rolls. I decided to throw one myself and let whoever wants to help me, help me. I already picked a hello kitty theme and I’m starting to buy stuff so I can diy the decorations myself. I’m having it at 35 weeks and I’ll be taking my maternity leave at work at 33 weeks so I’ll spend that time decorating and planning. My mom did agree on helping me make the food and my mother in law offered her big home as the setting so the rest is up to me which I am excited about. 
  • @macchiiaato, is your mom, MIL, or sister willing to act as host at the party, and put their name to do rsvps on the invite, even though you’re doing the legwork? Most people won’t respond well to getting a shower invite clearly thrown by the guest of honor. The sole purpose of a shower is to give someone gifts (literally shower them with presents) so if it seems like your throwing yourself a shower, most people interpret it as soliciting gifts for yourself, and that comes across as rude and tacky. I’d never say something if I received that invite, and regardless of whether or not I attended, it would be THE gossip of the family/friend group for quite some time in a very unflattering way. 
  • MandyMost said:
    @macchiiaato, is your mom, MIL, or sister willing to act as host at the party, and put their name to do rsvps on the invite, even though you’re doing the legwork? Most people won’t respond well to getting a shower invite clearly thrown by the guest of honor. The sole purpose of a shower is to give someone gifts (literally shower them with presents) so if it seems like your throwing yourself a shower, most people interpret it as soliciting gifts for yourself, and that comes across as rude and tacky. I’d never say something if I received that invite, and regardless of whether or not I attended, it would be THE gossip of the family/friend group for quite some time in a very unflattering way. 
    I wouldn't say "most" people but certainly some. I wouldn't care and most of my people wouldn't care. Around here one or two people would make a direct comment but it wouldn't even come close to being gossip worthy, like at all. We just don't care about stuff like that.
  • So, apparently Canada (or in the part of BC where I live) is weird.  We do showers for every baby and roughly a month after they are born.   It is to celebrate the new arrival!   However, the showers can get creative and more just like women get-together parties!!  I've had one for each of my children of those!
    That sounds awesome! I would totally be into that!
  • So I definitely don't want a sprinkle/shower, however I would love to find out if our parents plan on buying us anything since they were very generous the first time. I'm straight forward enough that I don't mind asking, but I don't want to come off as asking for anything since we're capable of getting everything ourselves. I think we'll just give them a general idea of when we're going to buy things so that if they want to jump in and purchase it for us they can. Any other ideas for how to approach this?
  • nackienackie member
    nlc8424 said:
    So I definitely don't want a sprinkle/shower, however I would love to find out if our parents plan on buying us anything since they were very generous the first time. I'm straight forward enough that I don't mind asking, but I don't want to come off as asking for anything since we're capable of getting everything ourselves. I think we'll just give them a general idea of when we're going to buy things so that if they want to jump in and purchase it for us they can. Any other ideas for how to approach this?
    I’m in the same boat. My parent bought the furniture for DS and my mom keeps asking me questions about the furniture for this baby like she might be planning to buy it, but she hasn’t actually said it yet and we picked kind of pricey furniture so I don’t want to assume. 
  • So, apparently Canada (or in the part of BC where I live) is weird.  We do showers for every baby and roughly a month after they are born.   It is to celebrate the new arrival!   However, the showers can get creative and more just like women get-together parties!!  I've had one for each of my children of those!
    I don't think this is weird at all, but I also don't consider this a "shower" (by US standards anyway). I'm sure people bring gifts but it sounds more like celebrating baby than an event based on gift giving! I don't see anything weird with doing one of these for each new arrival.
    _______________________________________________________________________________________________
    MMC 8/5/15 at 8 weeks
    DS born 9/13/16
    BFP 1/13/18 - EDD 9/20/18 - It's a boy!
  • nackie said:
    nlc8424 said:
    So I definitely don't want a sprinkle/shower, however I would love to find out if our parents plan on buying us anything since they were very generous the first time. I'm straight forward enough that I don't mind asking, but I don't want to come off as asking for anything since we're capable of getting everything ourselves. I think we'll just give them a general idea of when we're going to buy things so that if they want to jump in and purchase it for us they can. Any other ideas for how to approach this?
    I’m in the same boat. My parent bought the furniture for DS and my mom keeps asking me questions about the furniture for this baby like she might be planning to buy it, but she hasn’t actually said it yet and we picked kind of pricey furniture so I don’t want to assume. 
    My ILs and grandparent ILs bought the dresser, crib, mattress, and dresser changing table topper for DS. I'd love to know if they were interested in doing anything similar for this one but I'll never ask. I'll just pick out what I want and buy it.
    _______________________________________________________________________________________________
    MMC 8/5/15 at 8 weeks
    DS born 9/13/16
    BFP 1/13/18 - EDD 9/20/18 - It's a boy!
  • nlc8424 said:
    So I definitely don't want a sprinkle/shower, however I would love to find out if our parents plan on buying us anything since they were very generous the first time. I'm straight forward enough that I don't mind asking, but I don't want to come off as asking for anything since we're capable of getting everything ourselves. I think we'll just give them a general idea of when we're going to buy things so that if they want to jump in and purchase it for us they can. Any other ideas for how to approach this?
    I'd just bring up in conversation what you're looking at, when you're planning to buy, etc. to give an opening for them to offer if they want to. I know there's a chance my parents/ILs still might not pick up on a hint like that and I'd find out later that yes, they really were planning to purchase X, but at least it's out there and it would probably prompt them to say something if they had plans to gift in that way. And if not, then it's totally low pressure.
    2/13 Blighted ovum, D&C -- 6/13 MC -- 8/14 DD born -- 3/17 MC -- 9/18 DD2 born
    Expecting again -- EDD 7/27/20
  • We just got a new deck and are always looking for a reason to have people over for pool parties during the summer so I’m pretty sure we’ll do something.
    I’ve had a couple friends offer to throw me a sprinkle, I wasn’t expecting to do anything but we are having a girl this time :) so why not 
  • I agree with having your shower earlier than you think - I had mine at 7.5 months and it worked out. This time I will not have a shower as my circle only holds showers for first borns, which is fine. I always buy gifts for new babies in my group, so I may get a few here and there. 
    Following this thread because I love hearing about other showers. 
  • My mom said she and my sister, aunt, and grandma want to take me to brunch to celebrate this one. I may ask them to help me make freezer meals instead but they will probably do both.

    My coworker is about to go out on maternity leave (with #2). Someone decided to throw her a shower and I think it is gonna be more expensive than the shower for #1 (which was held at our office, and it was a joint shower for her and I). I didn’t think we did second showers at work since we didn’t do anything for the partner’s 2nd kid (2 months before my #1). Anyway, they said they are getting my coworker a Target gift card (which would greatly be appreciated), a diaper cake (which drove me crazy unrolling last time but whatever), a bunch of clothes and accessories. Since I assume they’ll do the same for me, how do I casually inform them that I am totally stocked on clothes and don’t want anymore? We are both having kids of the opposite sex but my sister has promised me all of her clothes from her son (most of which I bought myself so I know they’re cute) and I would much rather just have a gift card that I can use towards diapers or the double stroller. Usually one of my bosses and another coworker does the shopping so I guess I just need to casually mention it to them and hope they take notice?
  • nlc8424nlc8424 member
    @yosemite2018 that's how I would approach it. I would mention the fact that you're all set with clothes already to 2 or 3 people if possible who would pay attention to that kind of detail and feel comfortable saying such to the rest of the group when it comes time to shop.
  • Hi. Late reply but no, my family doesn’t really care they just like an excuse to eat and drink. I’m not too sure about my husband’s family but let’s just say I’m not too worried if they decide not to show up. My sister planned her 3 baby showers and threw them herself, nobody minded. I’m not handing out physical invitations also, so it’s not really a problem.
  • Did your significant others attend the shower also? My MIL is insisting DH be present but I honestly don't think I've ever been to one where the father of the child was present. 
    Me: 33 DH: 31 Baby: 9/2/2018 BabyFruit Ticker


  • jumpy57jumpy57 member
    smsaulino said:
    Did your significant others attend the shower also? My MIL is insisting DH be present but I honestly don't think I've ever been to one where the father of the child was present. 
    At the few ladies only showers I've attended the husband will typically show up to open gifts and then load everything into the car. He was allowed to skip the games/food. I think either way is fine
  • EErin86 said:
    smsaulino said:
    Did your significant others attend the shower also? My MIL is insisting DH be present but I honestly don't think I've ever been to one where the father of the child was present. 
    At the few ladies only showers I've attended the husband will typically show up to open gifts and then load everything into the car. He was allowed to skip the games/food. I think either way is fine
    This is what DH did, except he skipped the gift opening too. He came at the end to thank everyone and load gifts up. I recommend not waiting til the very end though like he did, because some people left early and he missed them. Anyhow, that’s the typical thing to do in our circle. 
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