Husband has next to no interest

sianyburrows

Hi all,
Apologies if I've put this in the wrong group. Am currently 16 weeks pg and I feel as though my other half has very little interest in anything. He never asks questions about how I'm feeling (very scared), although I've felt pretty rotten recently, and he never seems to have us as a priority. I'd have expected him to buy a little gift for either me or the baby but he just isn't with it at all. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect to be showered in gifts, we have little spare money. But a thought here or there or a Text asking how bubs is doing.
We can talk practically about work and maternity pay but he never talks about the baby itself. When did other people's husbands start taking an active interest? Thanks all. 

meggyme

sianyburrows said:

Hi all,
Apologies if I've put this in the wrong group. Am currently 16 weeks pg and I feel as though my other half has very little interest in anything. He never asks questions about how I'm feeling (very scared), although I've felt pretty rotten recently, and he never seems to have us as a priority. I'd have expected him to buy a little gift for either me or the baby but he just isn't with it at all. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect to be showered in gifts, we have little spare money. But a thought here or there or a Text asking how bubs is doing.
We can talk practically about work and maternity pay but he never talks about the baby itself. When did other people's husbands start taking an active interest? Thanks all. 

When she was 4 months old. But in all seriousness, men don’t have the same physical connection that women do with pregnancy, so it’s generally difficult to relate. Tell him how you’re feeling (he’s not a mind reader) and maybe a few things he can do to help you feel more supportive. Maybe ask him to research baby monitors or strollers to give him something baby related to focus on to help you out.

wildtot

Some men don’t feel a connection until the baby is born because they are not experiencing the same changes. What if you invite him doctor appointments or have him participate on a few item selections. You can’t expect them to full understand so soon. I personally had a hard time connecting so early too and i didn’t show much excitement either because i had so many fears. Talking about my fears with my husband helps us connect better. Try to get him involved.

izza2

sianyburrows said:

Hi all,
Apologies if I've put this in the wrong group. Am currently 16 weeks pg and I feel as though my other half has very little interest in anything. He never asks questions about how I'm feeling (very scared), although I've felt pretty rotten recently, and he never seems to have us as a priority. I'd have expected him to buy a little gift for either me or the baby but he just isn't with it at all. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect to be showered in gifts, we have little spare money. But a thought here or there or a Text asking how bubs is doing.
We can talk practically about work and maternity pay but he never talks about the baby itself. When did other people's husbands start taking an active interest? Thanks all. 

A little tough love here --
Being pregnant doesn't mean that you need to be given gifts, nor does it mean you should expect your SO to start buying things for baby that you may not actually need/use... especially when you don't have the money for those extra purchases. Any money you're expecting him to waste on something for you should be saved for the necessities for LO if you really don't have that much extra money.
What are you expecting anyway? A dozen roses? Chocolate? A new robe?


My husband doesn't ask me how the baby is doing. He never has. I don't expect him to. I've updated him every time something exciting happened (felt baby move/have hiccups, he was the size of something interesting, he could hear, etc.), without waiting for him to gush over me and baby and ask what new update came up on Ovia today. Because, to be frank, he's a man, he's not the one experiencing the body changes, and as a result he's not thinking about the baby 24/7 like I do.

To answer your question: he didn't start to get excited and feel like it was real until he came for the anatomy scan and we started our registries afterward. Being able to go through the baby/nursery things and figure out what we wanted/needed and how the nursery would look and what outfits would be cute, etc. - that was the point at which he started to feel that there really is a baby coming, and he could start to get excited.

meggyme

Also, he may be thinking about different aspects of it. If you’re slim of spare money he might be worried about supporting another person. He might be fearful that he won’t be a good dad. He may worry about how the baby will change your relationship. The best way to fix this is to talk. You might find that he’s thinking about it more than you know. As it stands, aside from talking and emotionally supporting you, there’s not much he can do right now.

lalala2004

I think it’s an odd expectation to think he’s just going to buy you a random gift. He’s not a mind reader. My DH is excited, but he’s not constantly asking me how I’m feeling or how baby is doing. I just tell him anyway. If you want to talk about something, just talk about it. It’s not fair for you to expect him to read your mind. He is processing things differently, but you won’t know how he feels unless you ask, and he won’t know how you feel unless you tell him.

cseley321

Mine wasn't excited until she was born.... even then it took him a few months to really connect. He loves her, but he just isn't comfortable with newborns.

Not to sound harsh, but you are really over thinking it. If you need something from him emotionally, just let him know. 

sianyburrows

Tough love is good, thanks!

[Deleted User]

I agree, it may not be that he's not interested,  but men are thinking about different things.  Mine can only talk so long about what he thinks are the funzie things, or even names, for that matter, before he's ready to change the subject.  But I know he's excited, and Im sure a bit nervous, and it's all very real to him.  Where I'm worried about what's the best, safest gear, making sure bums are clean and dry, fingers and toes are all kept toasty and warm, and we're well equipped to suck the snot out of baby's sweet face etc., he's more thinking more about the finances and longer term stability and comfort for our whole family.  (Which I do, too - don't get me wrong!)  So he thinks it's silly for me to be thinking so much about baby's immediate needs, where I generally believe the money has a way of sorting itself out, and we've never gone without so.... just different sets of worries / priorities in our case.  But it doesn't mean that baby is not on YHs mind.  Like, a lot.  He may have plenty to share, if you can get him to open up about it.  GL

sianyburrows

Thankyou businesswife,  that's really kind. I can understand. He is an extremely practical person whereas I am more of a dreamer. He will get the half-built house in order I will dream about names and clothes and tiny tiny socks! It's still a long way off and I can understand his lack of excitement. I don't have a single girly friend as I work in an extremely male dominated environment and I do feel as though I have noone to talk to about my excitements and worries, therefore I do expect it from him, but I shouldn't.  I don't like having to get him to talk about it, most of the time I get radio silence and end up more annoyed! But I will give it time and some nourishment. Thanks again to everyone. 

[Deleted User]

@sianyburrows. Are you participating on a BMB?  When are you due?  If you haven't jumped in yet, it might be a good time to start.  I feel it's a great outlet, and could turn out to be a nice little set of "galpals" you can get excited about all that stuff with together! ;)

nackie

Also, try to get him involved in ways that play to his strengths. Mine was all over it when I asked him to research baby monitors and other things like that. He would talk my head off about the pros and cons of each. 
He also got excited about being able to feel the baby kick once it got big enough for him to feel. Coming to the dr appointments was good too so he could hear the heartbeat and see the ultrasound. Basically, anything he could be a part of rather than just hear about. 

sianyburrows

That's cool, I tried dropping in about baby monitors/pushchair type stuff on your recommendations, (basically anything techy or anything with wheels!!!)  Seems to have done the trick.... He's now really got into the swing of it, he's set up an amazon baby list for the two of us and is looking forwards to finding out if he should be adding pink suff or blue stuff...... So, chatting on this page has really helped both me, and hubs. thankyou so much ladies! Tx

MzFergie77

My husband has been excited more than me since we found out. I’m baffled to see men act so stoic. It’s very weird to me. It would upset me as well. It’s not normal at all. I think maybe they are stressed or just didn’t want a baby at the time. Some folks think a baby will bring you closer but not always the case.