July 2018 Moms
knottie9f2468e8835387e9
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Ending toxic relationships before baby
knottie9f2468e8835387e9
member
I know I don't post often, so I feel weird starting a thread. But I didn't want to take up space in another thread with this novel. (Also I made a new account, just waiting for the new member no-posting thing to lift new username is carsonrayne)
Anyways, I've never talked about this on here before but I was diagnosed with cancer in April of 2016. I've been in remission now for a year as of Dec. I feel fine now but it was literally the worst experience of my life. Meanwhile my dad, who has always been pretty absent, cried poverty while also taking my sister (from his new marriage) on vacations, he bought a boat and a puppy and broadcasted this all over social media and checked in on me maybe twice during the 8 month ordeal. My mom forced him to come to one of my chemo appointments and he literally stared at his phone for the full 4 hours. He also tried to get me to loan him the money that my go fund me had raised for my treatment. All in all pretty awful and painful.
So being that he is my dad still and I wanted to mend my relationship with what will be my baby's only bio grandpa that is still around I asked if we could meet to talk.. so I went to his house I didn't even make it out of the car he was at my window screaming at me while I uncontrollably sobbed. When I tried to explain why I was upset with him I only got out "I had cancer" before he cut me off and started screaming in a mocking tone "Oh how you doing? You feeling okay? Did you f*cking survive?"
I left and haven't responded to his half assed apology text but am now wondering if any of you have ever dealt with or are dealing with this kind of situation? The rest of my family is amazing and loving and supportive so I don't feel like it would be a loss to just cut ties with him entirely, see him at family events and steer clear. My only reservation about doing so is that I worry about how my child will be impacted by not having any real relationship with him. I can't decide if it's better off there being no relationship because it seems all my dad can do is hurt and disappoint but as a first time mom I don't know if it's my place to decide this relationship for a baby that hasn't even been born yet
If you read this far thank you! I'm really struggling and it's hard to talk about this irl
Thanks for any responses ♡♡♡
Anyways, I've never talked about this on here before but I was diagnosed with cancer in April of 2016. I've been in remission now for a year as of Dec. I feel fine now but it was literally the worst experience of my life. Meanwhile my dad, who has always been pretty absent, cried poverty while also taking my sister (from his new marriage) on vacations, he bought a boat and a puppy and broadcasted this all over social media and checked in on me maybe twice during the 8 month ordeal. My mom forced him to come to one of my chemo appointments and he literally stared at his phone for the full 4 hours. He also tried to get me to loan him the money that my go fund me had raised for my treatment. All in all pretty awful and painful.
So being that he is my dad still and I wanted to mend my relationship with what will be my baby's only bio grandpa that is still around I asked if we could meet to talk.. so I went to his house I didn't even make it out of the car he was at my window screaming at me while I uncontrollably sobbed. When I tried to explain why I was upset with him I only got out "I had cancer" before he cut me off and started screaming in a mocking tone "Oh how you doing? You feeling okay? Did you f*cking survive?"
I left and haven't responded to his half assed apology text but am now wondering if any of you have ever dealt with or are dealing with this kind of situation? The rest of my family is amazing and loving and supportive so I don't feel like it would be a loss to just cut ties with him entirely, see him at family events and steer clear. My only reservation about doing so is that I worry about how my child will be impacted by not having any real relationship with him. I can't decide if it's better off there being no relationship because it seems all my dad can do is hurt and disappoint but as a first time mom I don't know if it's my place to decide this relationship for a baby that hasn't even been born yet
If you read this far thank you! I'm really struggling and it's hard to talk about this irl
Thanks for any responses ♡♡♡
Re: Ending toxic relationships before baby
I'm so sorry you're going through such an ordeal. Sounds so painful but you must be one heck of a strong lady to go through what you've been through already and still have enough love in your heart to want to give him a chance.
I wish I had the right answer for you, but I can only speak from my own experience with a very very toxic family member. I had to free myself from that person. It was hard, but it was not healthy for me to be involved in any way with that person any longer. Thankfully it wasn't a parent, so I can't relate to that dilemma, but it is someone I was close to once upon a time.
I would say think about what the future relationship between your father and your little one might be like. Will he be able to be a good grandpa even though he's not father of the year? Or will he treat your baby the same way he treats you? Is there an upside to having this man in your child's life? I feel it is your right to decide who is and isn't appropriate to have around your child.
I'm a first time mom too, and I've already decided my own toxic family member will have zero contact with my child.
I know you mentioned you are having a hard time talking about this IRL, but do you have a close friend that you can confide in? Even if it's really hard, having something that knows you personally could really help. And I've found having my husband and best friend understand my position has helped me stand firm when I need to borrow some extra strength.
I’m really sorry you have to go through this with your dad. My relationship with my dad is really rocky too. And only within the last 6 months have I rekindled a relationship with him. It had been 3 years since we had spoken.
I definitely think its healthy and a good decision to cut ties with him. It is so emotionally draining to be beaten down by someone else for so long, especially since you just went through something very traumatic.
Baby will be better off without a grandpa if it means thay the only relationships he/she knows are loving and committed ones.
First, I'm sorry you're going through this. No one deserves that kind of talk. No one. Also, way to go on one year cancer free!!
Second, imagine your father yelling like that and in that tone...now imagine it's being directed at your child. Maybe you're there to protect them, maybe you're not. Maybe it's in the short future, maybe it's years away. It's terrible for him to treat you this way (including an "apology" by text) but I would imagine it would be incomprehensible to witness that behavior toward your child.
Third, I also have a very toxic, unsafe family member. I love her and am saddened that my child has zero relationship with her. Maybe that will change someday but I cannot afford to sacrifice my own health, or my child's, for the sake of saying that a relationship exists. It sucks but contact would be far worse for my family.
Lastly (anecdotally), my father was a terrible person. He and my mom divorced when I was 8. He went to prison but his side of the family determined he was a good guy and my family was full of liars (yup, 4 young kids). We saw them occasionally and it was super unhealthy, to say the least. I'm sad I didn't have grandparents, cousins, or aunts and uncles but I AM glad that situation was stopped. I understand yours appears to not be as severe (from what you've said) but as a parent, you have the responsibility to protect your child. IMO, your father's behavior is something to be protected against.
I'm truly sorry you are having to deal with this. It sounds like your dad isn't going to change. As a first time mom, I would not want that type of toxicity in my child's life. It will be less stressful for you now to cut ties and be free of that than to try to be the bigger person and "fix" something your dad is responsible for. It makes me livid to think that a man who has a daughter going through a life or death ordeal, asks for money. Then mocks her because she is expressing her feelings. UGH!!!! I just want to yell at him for you!!
Have you tried going to counseling? I ask this because with battling cancer counseling was required for me to express all that was going on in my life and to ease unnecessary stress. It helped! Also, talking to your SO, mom, or a close friend may help. If you have a good enough relationship with your mom, it may be a good idea to talk to her about it and ask her what her thoughts are about what you're on the fence about.
Sending you loads of hugs and high fives!
To echo what previous posters said, I would cut ties significantly and limit visits to the holidays (if that).
My husband cut us off from his whole family for far less. I think keeping your dad at an arm's length is your best bet. He may straighten out one day and you all will be there. And if he doesn't change, well, at least you tried.
Hugs, mama.
DS 11.8.12
Baby GIRL! due 7.4.18
My dad had a terrible relationship with my grandma. Despite that he tried to keep her in our lives but to be honest I think I'd have been better off. I would say, as hard as it is, you're probably better off shielding your child from that relationship. In my experience, being around her made me uncomfortable and I can't really recall any positive memories with her. I now haven't talked to her in years. She doesn't know I'm getting married or having a baby.
At the end of the day you need to do what is best for you and your child. Don't worry about what others think.
My mother was never close to her father because he abused her as a child (along with her other siblings who also don’t speak to him). She tried to force a relationship with him and I remember going to his house when I was really little. Things fell apart and she cut him out, honestly I never asked why. I did have my grandfather on my dads side and a close family friend who was like a grandfather to me, but I never really missed my mother’s father.
I think as a parent you have to make decisions for yourself and family that are hard and complicated. I’m sure if you choose to cut your own father out and end up telling your child why, they will completely understand and support your decision like I did for my own mother. If for some reason they don’t, they can always choose to pursue a relationship with your father.
My moms family never had family parties, but I feel like if he’s willing to be a decent human being at them, let him interact with your kids, but don’t go out of your way. YOU are always in control of your situation, and only you know the right answer to this. If this is something you freely want to do, make that decision for your family. There is no wrong choice, so don’t feel that way!
*Lurking from March 18*
What a beautiful thing, remission! Amazing news about that, don't ever let someone make you feel otherwise! OP, it is best to cut all ties with your dad. From experience, my biological father is a piece of shit. I cut him completely out of my life literally one day before I got my BFP, so he doesn't know I'm pregnant. I have 29 days to go until my due date. He's blocked in every sense of the word, social media, his phone number blocked. He was toxic to my life and actually sounds very similar to your father. I am so sorry that he has treated you this way but know that it's best to move forward without him. Especially with your new bundle on the way! I agree with the other ladies, you don't want that negativity and cruelness directed towards your child. Protect them with everything you've got! And you have a great group of women here who will support you along with your other family. Keep your head up!
And, of course, I’m so happy you’re in remission! That’s awesome and so amazing
I agree with the rest of the ladies to cut ties. It’s not healthy for you and it’s doubtful to change when baby arrives. Babies and toddlers learn so quickly from pure observation and those are actions you don’t want them to learn otherwise the chain of abuse will continue and God forbid you have to live through that from your own child. You are one strong mama and you can get through this!