Support.. or lack of.

unicorncandycanes

Hi, does anyone else have a severe lack in support while pregnant. I'm just 13 weeks, and needless to say this is so far from real for my husband. If anything these hormones are just making me want to get so far away from him. My mom... gah where to start.. She hates my birth plan and just is the most negative person in my life right now.. Scare tactics to make me change my plan. Like I don't realize just how trying this is all going to be.. I guess I could use a friend.. Any soon to be mommies feel like they're on their own right now? 

wildtot

Sorry to hear about the lack of support. My mom was like that with my first. It’s hard for me to set boundaries with her sometimes but it’s necessary. This is your pregnancy and your baby. You do what you think is best. Yes birth plans can change in an instant but it’s never bad having one. Having your doctors support on that is probably one of the most important. It’s better to set boundaries now because it could continue and get worse once you deliver. Having an unsupportive husband also doesn’t help since he should be your biggest supporter. Have you sat down and talk to him? Don’t just focus on what he may be lacking in bur just overall your feelings and struggles (like your mom).  
One of the hardest parts of being a mom for me is all the “advice” and trying to brush it off. You don’t have to take it but they are just expressing what “they think” is best for you maybe due to personal experience. 
Talk to them, set boundaries, and you do you momma. 

WorkinWeezel

I'm so sorry.  This is tough, and I agree with @wildtot, you need to tell them how you are feeling.  My MIL is extremely supportive, but my mom is more an off to the side kind of person with things like this- unless I don't answer my phone/her texts, then she panics.  Your birth plan is YOURS- your body, your plan.  It will probably change in some way in the moment, because- LIFE- but having a plan and letting your docs and nurses know the plan is extremely valuable.  

We are here if you need us.  Try to enjoy this and know this is YOUR moment, and don't let others bring you down.  Easier said than done, especially when the most important people don't seem to be supportive.  Definitely talk to your hubs, and keep us posted.  Keep your head up, momma!

acunamatada

Hi, I see you’re new here, welcome. 
I know it’s hard to feel like you’re going into this alone, but you’re also only 13 weeks and things could change. One of the hardest parts about being a mom, for me, was setting boundaries, and learning to stick up for myself and my son and make choices for myself- especially when it went against what others were telling me to do. Everyone has an opinion, especially if they’ve gone through pregnancy before. (Extra f* you points if they haven’t- but that happens too) Their “way” of doing it will always be better to them, because it is what they know. And the “advice” only gets worse after baby is here. 
You need to forge your own path and learn for yourself what works what doesn’t for you. And if your birth plan changes, that’s okay too.
Speak to your mother about your feelings, she’s been through this before, she might understand she’s overstepping if you lay it out for her. If she doesn’t, maybe take some space for yourself, at least for a little bit. It sounds like you could use it. Baby isn’t coming tomorrow, you have time. 
As far as your husband, some guys take some time to get used to the idea of pregnancy, its
not their body changing. Has he gone to any appointments? Maybe enroll the two of you in a pregnancy or birth class? Bring him to an appointment where he can hear the heartbeat?There are tons of ways you can engage him in the pregnancy, and there is still plenty of time. 

acunamatada

unicorncandycanes said:

Hi, does anyone else have a severe lack in support while pregnant. I'm just 13 weeks, and needless to say this is so far from real for my husband. If anything these hormones are just making me want to get so far away from him. My mom... gah where to start.. She hates my birth plan and just is the most negative person in my life right now.. Scare tactics to make me change my plan. Like I don't realize just how trying this is all going to be.. I guess I could use a friend.. Any soon to be mommies feel like they're on their own right now? 

QFP

unicorncandycanes

Thanks everyone for your replies! I definitely need to set some clear boundaries with my mother.. She had 3 very hard pregnancies the first one she had a coddle with, so I'm sure you can imagine the horror story with that one. (since they don't even allow those anymore) Now my husband is just i think lost. He refuses to do classes with me, and has only went to one appointment. I think the idea of me being pregnant might scare him. Which doesn't help me because afraid or not, here they come. 

acunamatada

Glad we could help! Just a heads up, if you’re going to participate in the community, I’d suggest you read some of the post pinned to the top of the board to get an idea of how the community works (especially the ***read first*** thread). We like to give and receive support to eachother, and threads like this aren’t usually so well received. @unicorncandycanes

cseley321

My husband was the same way. He didn't want to do appointments for either pregnancy. Some men just don't get so worked up about it for some reason or another. My husband says he gets anxiety when he thinks about it too much. He loves his daughter and will love this child too, but he doesn't get involved at all with the pregnancy. TBH I prefer it this way so that he is not trying to dictate what I should or shouldn't do.

wildtot

Some men don’t bond with the pregnancy/baby until after birth. But still good for the two of you to be open to each other and know what you need and expect from each other with this life changing event.

lovesclimbing

wildtot said:

Some men don’t bond with the pregnancy/baby until after birth. But still good for the two of you to be open to each other and know what you need and expect from each other with this life changing event.

*lurker*

This is true. Additionally, since you say it doesn't feel real, it might seem that way to him since "nothing has changed" in terms of you look the same! My husband told me I should maybe take another test (the first had a very solid second line - definitely not a squinter) because he couldn't believe I was actually pregnant, haha. I did just because I had an extra and I wanted to ease his mind. Still positive! And I had no symptoms at first (they tend to not start until 6 weeks and I found out at 4), so nothing was really different. 

Even after seeing her on the dating ultrasound, it was still a little unreal. It became more real once I started getting a bump and when he could feel her move. That's pretty normal. 

stillcozy

@lovesclimbing my husband had the exact same reaction! doesn't mean they arent supportive or caring but it is a very different experience when you cant see or feel anything for so long.

unicorncandycanes

So, hey.. I read the "Rules" thing and im sorry if this post rubs people in a wrong way.. I just had to say, I talked to my husband this morning. So much relief! He told me that thinking about what I'm going through scares him to no end. He said this child and I are his life and he cant let his mind imagine what could happen if something went wrong. I've been a blubbering mess since! SO to leave this post, I wanted to say to any woman who feels a lack of support. Don't because you just might need some perspective.. I definitely did! Thanks again to all of you mommies and mommies to be! Finally perking up the courage to ask him was the best decision I could've ever made! I wouldn't have done it without you guys! Spreading the love!!  

hillbillywife

I’m glad you were able to talk to your H and clear the air a little bit. Pregnancy is definitely  different monster for the guys. I really had to take a step back after my first was born. I was irritated that my H went right back to work and didn’t want to spend any time with us, but it was a similar reason to your husband. He now had a wife and a baby to take care of and that was stressful for him and the only thing he knew to make sure we were taken care of was to go back to work. Lol. Bless his heart. 

Thanks for reading the rules post and owning your mistake! That goes a long way around here! We’d love to get to know you better when you participate in more threads! Congratulations on your LO!

stillcozy

Welcome again we are glad you are here so happy to hear the advice given  by these wise women helped Jump into the threads we would love to get to know you more! 

cseley321

Yeah that's basically how my husband felt.  I had to re-convince him to go for a 2nd because labor traumatized him a bit, lol

tarheelgirl8

So glad to hear that you had a productive conversation with your husband!  Like others have said, I think it can take longer to ‘sink in’ for a lot of men.  My husband wasn’t super interested in attending all my appts either.  One thing that helped it sink in for both of us was when we starting looking at names.  Just an idea! 

For your mother, definitely try to set boundaries.  When I was pregnant with DD, a casual acquaintance and I were chatting about the baby, and he said “can I give you some advice?” (Insert my internal eye roll) “everyone and their brother is going to tell you exactly how you should raise your kid.  Smile, nod, then ignore them and do whatever you think is best.  You know your kid best, not them.”  Seriously, the best advice I got.  Same goes for your birth plan.  I also got very comfortable using the doc/pediatrician as a deflection.  As in, well you might think X but I talked to DDs pediatrician about it and she agreed that Y is a good way to go.  You could definitely use that here too if you wanted.  “Well my doctor says my birth plan is perfectly safe and s/he supports it.”  

Hugs mama.  You got this.  

WorkinWeezel

Awesome!!!!! I'm so glad you spoke with him. I'd be a mess after that convo, too! What a sweetie. 

Glad you know the board org now, too so glad you'r here and looking forward to getting to know you better!!! Jump in any time to the posts!!!