TTCAL Week of 1/15

coco2787

This is a general trigger warning that CP, miscarriage / spontaneous abortion, selective abortion due to medical complications, and / or stillbirth may be mentioned.** 

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

Status:

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

GTKY: What's the craziest thing you've done in the name of love?

coco2787

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

MMC last month with follow up D&C.

Status:

CD 6, WTO.  First cycle off the bench.  

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Anxious about trying again, but I feel ready.  My H is convinced I'll get pregnant right away and I'm trying to be more realistic, but I know I'll still be disappointed if this cycle is a no-go.  Trying to stay off the google so I don't drive myself crazy with statistics.  

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

Starting OPKs in a few days.  

GTKY: What's the craziest thing you've done in the name of love?

Transferred colleges in the middle of the year and moved from Florida to Wisconsin to be with my now husband.  We'd known each other a couple years but had been dating less than 6 months.   

kindbytealikat

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

Two early losses 8/17 and 1/18

Status: Benched

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? My D&C is tomorrow so i'm putting my focus on that. DH says i'm choosing to worry about that so I don't really have to think about everything else, he's probably right. I've had some up and down days the past week, but overall i'm hopeful about the future of things. 

Any testing coming up/any recent results? I'll get blood work 6 weeks post D&C, scheduled for Feb 22. 

GTKY: What's the craziest thing you've done in the name of love? I love this question LOL, although I can't think of an answer. I guess some people might find it crazy that DH and I were engaged in 6 months and married in just 2 weeks over a year together.  

acciocoffee

@coco2787 This is our first cycle off the bench too and I have been so convinced we would get PG right away, but I'm really trying to manage my expectations. I can't seem to find a neutral ground between hopeful and realistic right now. Hopefully your H is right though and this is your month!

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.   11/28 NMC at 8 weeks

Status: CD 16 WTO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Now that we are in FW, I'm really just feeling down a lot. I was looking forward to trying again and hopefully being successful right away this time. Now that it's here, I keep remembering why we are having to try again and it just sucks. We thought that was going to be our last pregnancy and I was really enjoying every minute of it. Now it's gone and I am starting over and it sucks. 

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Started OPKs a couple days ago which does give me a little more hope than what it probably looks like above. We have never used them so I am hoping maybe our issue getting PG last time was a timing issue.

GTKY: What's the craziest thing you've done in the name of love? I'm actually a pretty level-headed person, so I've never done anything super crazy. I guess to me, the craziest thing would be that I married my first boyfriend, but if you knew him you would know that it's not that crazy. He's incredible and I had to lock that down! 

offtoneverland

@coco2787 Yes, stay away from those Google statistics! So many people say you can be more fertile following loss, but I don't know how true that is. I remember spending so many hours googling how long it would take me to get KU after I had my IUD removed last year and now I realize it was all just a huge waste of time because statistics are stupid. Good luck to you this cycle! That's nice that YH is feeling optimistic. I understand feeling anxious trying again. I'm right there with you. 
@kindbytealikat Hi, friend. I'm glad to hear you've had a few "up" days the past week. That's great that you're starting to feel more hopeful too. Good luck with your D&C tomorrow. If you need any help or support, you know where to find us. As for your GTKY question, MH and I got engaged and married pretty quickly too! By the time we got married we had known each other for about 1.5 years.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. 3 early losses last year; no diagnosis but going to my first RE appointment next week to see what she wants to do. 

Status: Just started the TWW.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Things are going pretty well. Although 2 nights ago I had a really realistic feeling dream about being pregnant and having a baby, and I woke up feeling really sad that it wasn't true and felt emotional all day yesterday. I'm sure I'm not the only one that has these dreams pretty frequently. 

Any testing coming up/any recent results? RE appointment next Monday. Kind of nervous that she won't care at all since my losses happened so early, but we'll see. 

GTKY: What's the craziest thing you've done in the name of love? Oh, this is a tough one! Not sure if this one really counts, but I stayed in a bad relationship, in which I was treat really poorly, for way too long because I thought I was in love. After I met MH I realized that I was never truly in love with the other guy in the first place! 

galactickates

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

1 loss ectopic in Nov at  9 weeks.  I had to have surgery and my left tube was removed.  

Status: on the fence between WTO and TWW 

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

My H also is convinced I'm going to get KU quickly,  but like @coco2787 said I'm trying to manage my expectations. I've really really tried hard to keep a positive mental attitude but if I'm being honest I'm not doing that great.  I've been taking opks that I'm not convinced are turning.  My cycle was so regular before you could set a clock to it.  Now I feel a little twinge on my left side and all I can think is "great... my left side is ovulating this is just a waste of a cycle" but I have to try anyway just in case I'm wrong.  It's a mind F*. Luckily DH and I HIO almost nightly so our timing is good no matter what,  but the impatient part of me is still sad if this cycle ends up being a waste.  I have to start all over again and the wondering, which side is it going to be this month? The Dr office I see set up free counseling sessions for me.  I'm on an HRA so I told them I didn't want to see anyone until my plan rolls over in April, because it would 100% be out of pocket.  They told me not to worry about it, it would not be billed.  I really appreciate how they are trying to help me.  My first visit is going to be Wednesday night.  Maybe she can help come up with coping skills.

Any testing coming/recent results?

GTKY: What's the craziest thing you've done in the name of love? 
like what @offtoneverland said,  stayed in a relationship I shouldn't have.  I was just telling my best friend that I had seen on Facebook my ex had two kids with the girl he cheated on me with and I thank my lucky stars every single day that I met my H and didn't end up with that disgusting guy. 

kindbytealikat

@offtoneverland I hope you have a good experience at the RE appointment. My OB said the specialist here is very aggressive and the patients are generally very satisfied, and after my appointment with him last week it seems so. His bedside manor was weird, he was nice and seemed sincere in his condolences but he was very robotic in how he explained what was going to happen as far as testing after my D&C. ALSO raise my hand for staying in a bad relationship for "love" I put up with cheating and verbal abusive, and sexual pressure for 2 years. UGH. 
@galactickates and @coco2787 GL with your first cycles off the  bench!!! FX'd for you

eleven_

@coco2787 FX for you this cycle. I feel everything you feel right now; anxious and ready. Statistics seriously drive me crazy also. GL with starting OPKs!
@kindbytealikat I’m so happy to see you posting. I know I don’t know you very well, but I’ve been thinking about you this week. I’m so happy to hear that you feel hopeful. I hope everything goes as well as it can go for you tomorrow.
@offtoneverland I miss you on WTO! I hope so much that you like your RE and that she can give you some answers and a path to move forward. I’m so sorry about your dream and feeling emotional because of it. Dreams can be so torturous sometimes.
@galactickates I also had a really regular cycle before my loss so I understand how hard it is not having a clue what to expect. Hoping you get a + OPK soon! I’m so glad your doctor set up the counseling sessions for you and that you are taking them up on it. Let us know how it goes.

Status: WTO/TWW

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I just feel sad because I feel that my innocence with TTC and being pregnant is gone. If I do get KU again, I think that my number one emotion will not be excitement, but fear.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

GTKY: What's the craziest thing you've done in the name of love? When I first met DH he wanted to move to Switzerland and I was so in love with him that I said I would go with him. We ended up moving there for a year and it was amazing! 

zamoraspin

@kindbytealikat I hope everything goes smoothly tomorrow for the procedure. I hope you plan to rest. I found I did experience some cramping even over several days, especially when I would get tired. 
@coco2787 @acciocoffee @offtoneverland @galactickates I think if you've had a relatively "easy" time getting ku in the past, it's natural to expect to get ku again pretty quickly and a BFN can be very difficult after loss. I hope it does happen quickly for all of you. FWIW my RE says at my age I have a 15% chance per cycle of getting ku, but I have been ku three times since last March, which my RE finds somewhat astonishing. Every time I have teetered between believing it will happen again right away and worrying it will never happen again. I worry that I have used up all my "luck" on that front, but all I can do is put in my best effort towards success. I think these are pretty normal concerns. 

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. 3 first tri losses. 

Status: WTO, CD9

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I went to a new acupuncturist on Saturday who asked a lot more questions and seemed more fertility focused. I am doing ALL THE THINGS this cycle, acupuncture, clomid, even more supplements, no coffee (only green tea), no booze (ok, I had half a cocktail on Saturday but that has been it).

Any testing coming up/any recent results? U/s monitoring appt on Wednesday/CD11 to see what my ovaries are doing. I'm hoping we see a couple of big follies. If there is only one big one or if my lining looks thin this will be my last cycle on clomid (per me, not necessarily the RE). 

GTKY: What's the craziest thing you've done in the name of love? Hmm, I may have to think on this one. I think once I found the right person nothing I did seemed crazy, but when I was dating the wrong guy, I look back on the effort I would put in and I think that all was crazy. 

coco2787

I'm glad to see you posting @kindbytealikat, and that you're feeling a little better.  I hope the D&C goes smoothly tomorrow, the physical recovery was pretty easy for me, I hope the same is true for you 
@acciocoffee I'm sorry you're feeling down.  I can totally relate to being upset about doing it all over again, I also had assumed that would be my last pregnancy.  The first couple days after my loss I told me H I really didn't think I could re-do a month of MS. 
@offtoneverland those dreams are the worst.  They feel so real and it's hard not to feel sad the whole day   I hope your RE appointment goes well.
@galactickates I'm sorry you're struggling right now but I'm glad you're looking into counseling, I hope that it's beneficial 
@eleven_ I hate that loss takes that joy away from us.  I was so hoping to just enjoy every minute of my last pregnancy.  Just thinking about getting an ultrasound now makes my heart race.  
@zamora_spin I know what you mean by using up your luck.  I got pregnant quickly with my loss and I just feel like there's no way I can be lucky twice.  I hope everything looks good at your U/S on Wednesday!

offtoneverland

@galactickates It must be so hard to keep yourself from being pessimistic now that you know one of your tubes is gone. Don't feel bad about those negative feelings though. I'm sure that it's completely normal to feel like you may be wasting a cycle if you ovulate from the wrong side. That's so great about the free counseling sessions. Hopefully it's helpful for you.
@kindbytealikat Thank you for explaining your experience with the specialist. I'm so glad your appointment went well and he had sincere condolences for you. I imagine it would be hard for a specialist to not seem robotic when describing plans and processes, since they probably have to say similar things all day long. That's great though that even with his weird demeanor you still had a great appointment with him. My past relationship was very similar to the one you described with verbal abuse and sexual pressure. Thankfully I wasn't in the relationship for a hugely long time, but it was definitely longer than it should have been.
@eleven_ I totally get you on feeling like the innocence is gone after a loss. With my last pregnancy, since it was around Christmas time I told myself to just enjoy it and be happy about it, while still being a bit cautious. After finding out that it was another loss, I felt totally lost and ridiculous for trying to be happy about it and not worry. It's a hard place to be in, trying to juggle between happiness, caution, anxiety, and fear. It's really sad knowing that none of us will ever really have that instantaneous happiness at seeing a BFP again; instead we'll always have to wonder what's going to happen. On another note, Switzerland sounds amazing! That's really cool you got to live there for a short time.
@zamora_spin That's really interesting about that 15% statistic from your doctor and that she's been shocked you've been able to get KU pretty quickly. I'm hoping that it will go quickly for you again so you don't have to proceed with IVF eventually. That'll be really interesting to get a look at your follies on Wednesday. FX for some great results!

coco2787

I'm trying to work up the courage to post something about my loss on Instagram.  I think it will be healing for me, but I'm afraid of both the reactions and the lack of reactions I might get.  

holly321

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc

mmc 2/12 MMC molar pregnancy 8/17

Status:  benched

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

I have been pretty emotional this last week.  I am not sure if it is the next BCP, or what.  

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

no

GTKY: What's the craziest thing you've done in the name of love?

I met DH the day I graduated high school, and have never moved out of the zip code so this one is hard.  

acciocoffee

@coco2787 I posted about our loss and it was very freeing, but also slightly discouraging. While I got a lot of encouragement from people and I still have people checking in on me several weeks later, we also have some very close friends who still have never acknowledged our loss in any way. We know they know about it, they just chose not to say anything which is hurtful. Even with all of that, I'm still glad we posted it so that we don't have to hide it from people and we get a lot less people asking when we are having another kid.

holly321

@coco2787, fx for you this cycle.  It is hard to not get your hopes up,  as to posting on Instagram, I say go for it.  I went completely "public" with my loss and it felt great.  My last loss I had no choice, I was obviously pregnant, but honestly, I think it helps for it to not be a secret.


@kindbytealikat, good luck tomorrow.  I agree with your DH, but I feel like focusing on something else is a coping mechanism we need.  

@acciocoffee, good luck with the Opks, I have never that good luck with them.  I hope you can feel better about TTC again.  It should be an enjoyable experience.

@offtoneverland , I hope the appointment goes well and theater the RE is a good match for you.  I am sorry about trying dream. I have that kind every now and again.  It feels like a nightmare.

Food is here, so I will have to fnish tagging later.

ChloandCoco

I'm super busy at work today, so I will come back tonight for all the tags. 

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

TFAs - 3 early miscarriages last year

Status: WTO - CD 6

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Things are going ok this week. I'm feeling weirdly numb towards ttc again. DH asked me last night if I was ready for round two (since we were unsuccessful last cycle), which I promptly reminded him that it's our 9th month.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? OPKs at the end of the week

GTKY: What's the craziest thing you've done in the name of love? Before DH and I got married, we dated long distance for two years. I'm not sure if you would call that crazy, but if I wasn't in love with him, I wouldn't have done it.

coco2787

Yes @acciocoffee that's kind of what I'm worried about.  There are a few pretty close friends who don't know but that follow me on IG and I can't pretend it wouldn't hurt if they didn't acknowledge it.  I'm trying to put myself in their shoes and whether or not I would reach out if the tables were turned, and I'm honestly not sure what my pre-loss self would have done.  I think sometimes people are afraid of saying the wrong thing or of upsetting you by bringing it up, so they just say nothing.  I think I'm still gonna go for it though.  

zamoraspin

@coco2787 I shared on FB that I had experienced mc in October. I am glad I did it overall. I had several people reach out to me and tell me about their losses - including two of my aunts. I had several people I don’t even know well come up to me in person and talk to me about it. I did also have  some friends who never brought it up that I thought would have. I have never posted about my RPL though. My grandmother couldn’t talk to me for several months after my first loss because she said she was too sad, and I don’t want to put her through knowing it has happened three times (and she is on FB). 

holly321

@zamora_spin , FX for your appointment on Wednesday! If you chose to not use clomid again, what is the next step?  I really need to start trying to cut back on caffeine.

@galactickates, I hope talking with someone helps.  I have been wanting to for awhile, it is hard to find time.
@eleven_ I feel like my first loss killed every aspect of innocence I had left.  It has changed a lot about me.  I used to be positive, which, I still feel like I am, but not the same.  I used to feel like things would work out in their own way no matter what.  
TW child mentioned

I was a wreck many times throughout my entire pregnancy with DS after my loss, but there was a lot more enjoyable happy moments than stressed.  I hope it will be the same for you.

zamoraspin

@holly321  We are hoping the clomid might cause hyperovulation in hopes of getting more chances per cycle of one good egg. TW In the past I have gotten ku on my own within a few months. End TW If I decide not to do any more clomid we will go back to unmedicated cycles through April, and if I don’t get ku again we are planning to do IVF in roughly June. Turning 36 in a few weeks so that and my losses are motivating us to move along.

mrsdrez

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

I'm new here. Been lurking for awhile. Mc 11/23 at 6 weeks. 

Status:

Af

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

I have a cold so I haven't been sleeping all that great. The cold is also totally messing up the good routine I started last week (gym, meal prep, etc.) 

This was my first full cycle following our loss and everything appears to be right on time, which is somewhat of a relief, but still a reminder of what's not to be.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

No. 

GTKY: What's the craziest thing you've done in the name of love?


I've only ever been in love with my husband, which made me less crazy.. lol I used to be way crazier before haha! 

CraftyG

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. Hi everyone! I disappeared around Christmas time with life just taking over but I’m back and missed all you lovely ladies! Loss at 13 weeks Jan 16, loss at 9 weeks Oct 17.

Status: CD 24, TWW

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Rant - December and January are just hard months for me in general so I’ve just been feeling a bit low. Rave - I’m finally organising the house and starting to feel a bit more order in my life.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Just WFAF

GTKY: What's the craziest thing you've done in the name of love? Oh god I don’t know, probably when my first bf broke up with me and the next day I went to a party and got drunk and cried my eyes out texting him about how much I loved him, oh to be 16 again!

CraftyG

@coco2787 I completely understand the anxiety around trying again, I’m on month 3 and I’m still feeling a bit anxious about it all which is what’s stopping me from diving in head first. I am so glad that it worked out with you and your husband haha!

@kindbytealikat I’m so so sorry for your loss! What helped me was exactly what you’re doing just focus on one thing at a time, all of the hugs!

@acciocoffee I’m sorry that you’re feeling down about it all, I understand that everything is like a constant reminder and it feels kind of tainted in a way. Got my fingers crossed for you

@offtoneverland good luck for your appointment! So proud of you for taking positive and proactive steps towards this, I really hope that she’s kind and understanding

@galactickates I’m so sorry that it’s such a struggle, I think wine is definitely in order! Also from personal experience I started counselling after my first loss and and I’m still going regularly 2 years later, if you find the right person for you it’s an incredible experience!

@eleven_  I relate so much to what you said! It’s  something I struggle with so much because everyone’s announcing and thrilled about their own pregnancies (Which they have every right to be) but I’m scared to even get pregnant again and I’m already thinking through the logistics of who I’ll tell when I’ll tell. I’ve decided I don’t want anyone to know until the second trimester but part of me still thinks even that’s too risky. I’m just jealous that every pregnancy I’ve had and will have will be tainted and I won’t get that carefree happy not a worry in the world while I have to watch everyone else go through the ‘perfect’ pregnancy. On a lighter note Switzerland sounds incredible!

@zamora_spin  sounds like you’ve got a really productive cycle going forward, fingers crossed!

@holly321  It’s so good to see you again, sorry that you’ve been feeling down, hopefully it’s just the new birth control and you get a high of emotions next week.

@ChloandCoco I think honestly after 3 losses any numbness or reaction is completely justified, all the hugs

offtoneverland

@coco2787 Did you post anything? I think that would be very brave of you and probably healing, like you said, to have it out in the open. I'm a very open person usually, so I feel a bit weird hiding my losses from some people, but it also feels awkward bringing it up in conversation. Hopefully you will get some kind responses if/when you post it. I had considered posting something about it on FB, but I don't really have many friends on FB, so it didn't think it would really be necessary. I understand what you mean about not knowing what your pre-loss self would have done in hearing that a friend had had a loss. I'm not sure I would have reached out either because I would be afraid that it would be too hurtful, or I wouldn't know what the right thing to say was. I really have learned a lot from these losses and have learned to be more compassionate.
@kindbytealikat Thinking of you today.
@ChloandCoco I think it's completely understandable to feel numb. After trying for so many months having multiple early losses, it's really hard thinking about starting all over and possibly going through the heartbreak again. I'm wishing you so much luck this cycle and hope that you'll find a way to keep your mind off of TTC.
@holly321 I also used to be a really positive, optimistic person and I definitely have changed these last few months. I still try to be positive most of the time, but almost always feel an underlying sadness about what could have been.
@mrsdrez Welcome, but I'm very sorry that you find yourself here. Good job getting into a healthy routine. I hope your cold goes away quickly so you can get back into it. 
@CraftyG So sorry to hear that these last few months have been so hard on you. Sending lots of hugs your way. That's great that you've taken the time to focus on organizing and getting some things in order. Sometimes just getting organized at home can make other parts of your life start to feel more organized too. 

Jyoung327

******LURKING****** TW IN SIGGY AND LC MENTIONED*******

Hope this is okay to pop in and mention.  I was on this board at various times and have been seeing an RE for 2 years for spontaneous miscarriages (likely now dx hashimotos) plus lost a tube to ectopic.  I wanted to say to @galactickates (and anyone else in this situation) what my RE and OB had told me after losing a tube and being so discouraged about losing a % of chances is that, at least according to my doctors, those chances really dont diminish that much per month, and also, when you ovulate your eggs just kind of float in space and your fallopian tubes sweep to kind of suction them in (how it was described to me anyway) and that a tube on the opposite side CAN still sweep up an egg from the opposite ovary.  This did actually happen for me with DS as I had two eggs, one on each side, and both were picked up (only one made it to term). Bodies are super weird, but I totally understand how devastating losing that tube can be and feeling like you don't have the parts you need, but that remaining tube can still pick up the slack! Anyway...i hope that gives even a small amount of hope.  My RE still has me take femara for "left side stimulation" in hopes that the left ovary will mature more eggs than the right and it will be easier, but either way there is still a chance if you have eggs on the "wrong" side. 

galactickates

@Jyoung327 - thank you for that.  You don't have any idea how much I needed those words.  Sometimes I wish there was an ectopic group so I had people to talk to.  I feel totally alone.  My Dr told me the same thing when I got the news,  but a week after my surgery I was talking to an advice nurse and she told me that my fertility was gone on that side and to see another Dr at their clinic.  I'm trying to push her words out of my brain and trust my Dr but they still creep in. 

This is a really tough lonely road.  I'll take all of the hope I can! I desperately need it. I really appreciate you saying something.  

eleven_

@zamora_spin Best of luck to you this cycle. You really are doing ALL the things. I hope so much that your hard work pays off. No coffee sounds so miserable.
@offtoneverland I think that my loss was so hard because it was around Christmas. It felt so right…. like it was some sort of Christmas present and it was meant to be. Isn’t it sad that we look back on our happiness and feel ridiculous? I just feel so naive for thinking that nothing could go wrong. We told everyone about the pregnancy Christmas Eve and I hated having to tell them about the loss. I don’t like to hear things like “Oh you’ll be fine, it was so early” or “It’s okay, you guys can try again”. Did you guys tell anyone this time?
@holly321 I’m so sorry you have been emotional this week. Why are some weeks so much harder than others? That’s so cute you guys met the day you graduated HS. You can still kind of say you were HS sweethearts haha. Thank you for the encouraging words about your experience.
@coco2787 I agree with @acciocoffee about posting about your loss on IG. People sometimes say really insensitive things. I don’t think they mean to be that way. You don’t really know what to say sometimes and I think that others feel it’s best to say something rather than staying silent. I can see why it might help with your healing though. I think that as long as you are doing it for yourself and not because you are expecting to hear the right words from others, go for it 
@chloandcoco I’m so sorry you are feeling numb about everything. It’s totally a valid emotion but I hope you start to feel better about it as time moves forward. *Hugs*
@mrsdrez Welcome and I’m so sorry for your loss.
@craftyg Welcome back! I noticed your absence and am happy to see you back. I’m so sorry you have been feeling low. I absolutely hate January and just want this whole month to end. I totally agree with you about waiting to tell anyone until the 2nd trimester. I told everyone right away this time and I definitely won’t be doing that again.
@galactickates I’m sorry you feel alone. I’m so glad that @jyoung327 was able to give you some valuable and encouraging info. *Big hugs*

galactickates

Also to my ttcal tribe -  I adore each one of you,  and I'm so thankful for the love and support I've received. In no way shape or form am I trying to compare our losses,  it's just different.  I can't imagine what each one of you it's going through and what your paths are from here.  But the one common thread is that we've all experienced what a loss feels like and I love our little tribe that's formed from such awful experiences. I'm sorry we've been given these awful circumstances. I'm just praying we all get our take home babies.  I really just don't want anyone to think I'm not grateful for the support, because I really truly am.  I don't know what I would have done without you guys.  I was in a pretty awful dark place and so many hands constantly reach out to me to pull me back.  

offtoneverland

@eleven_ Yes, 100% at looking back on the happiness and feeling ridiculous. It seemed so perfect because it happened right before Christmas and there are lots of August birthdays in my family, so everyone was so excited for another August EDD. Then as soon as I got back home from Christmas with my parents, had the hcg test, and realized it was another loss, it put a really bad taste in my mouth for what had otherwise been a great Christmas. MH and I had decided not to get an hcg test in Florida, but in hindsight I felt really stupid for making that decision with my history of losses. All that said, I completely get what you're saying. Yes, we had told my family plus a few very close friends about the pregnancy and it was hard having to tell them about the loss. With my last loss though, I hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy, so when I told them about the loss it took them all off guard. I'm pretty sure next time I won't be telling anyone except MH until at least like 8 weeks. Sorry, I feel like I always write soooo much here. My bad! 
@galactickates It makes sense that your loss is different than the rest of ours making you feel a bit alone sometimes. I can't imagine how painful it was for you to see the heartbeat, then have to immediately go in for surgery only because it had implanted in the wrong spot. (Let alone the incompetent doctor who almost missed it!) Plus the unknown on top of that with having had one tube removed. It's awesome to know that the missing tube might not be that big of a deal in the end. That stinks that the nurse told you that your fertility was gone on that side. What a debby downer! Big thanks to you too for providing so much support to all of us. 

galactickates

@offtoneverland

I think more then anything I wish I just had someone to talk to, that I could have on going conversations  or ask questions too.  I ask google and try to look up past conversations, but it's not the same. It's so rare, that even if TB had a board or a group I feel like it would be deserted. I do really appreciate when people reach out to me that went through it.  It gives me so much hope you have no idea.  I have just been struggling a lot the last few days.  It just making me feel a little more alone then normal. 

kindbytealikat

@coco2787 and @acciocoffee just my two cents about posting on Facebook. I’m not a hide my problems person and I know most all ppl on my FB well. I posted both my losses after I received a remembrance birthstone. I’m in the camp of it needs to be talked about more because society still has a stigma around it and I’m doing my part to show it can happen to anyone, it hurts, and it is the loss of a child no matter what stage it happens. That doesnt mean that I judge those that keep it to themselves either because I completely understand that need as well. I personally didn’t get any negative feedback and was surprised at the amount of woman in my life that had been though this and that really helped me. To know not just woman in the internet across the country but woman in my family and that I know personally can relate. 

cdepperschmidt

Totally lurking, but @Jyoung327 comment made me think of something my coworker shared with me. When she was TTGP she had 5 MC and one EP. Her and her H finally gave up and decided to adopt. When their adopted son was 5 months she found out she was KU. 

galactickates

@Jyoung327 - I finally got on desktop and saw your siggy. tw* kids mentioned ** that is really incredible that your ds was born almost to the day of your EP. I don't know why but I find that really beautiful.  I am so sorry you had to go through so much to get there. Also - Congrats on #2!  end tw* Do you mind if I ever PM you with questions? 

coco2787

@offtoneverland I did end up posting something on my Instagram, this is what a posted, with just a brief caption.  (In spoiler)

coco2787

@mrsdrez I'm so sorry for your loss and that you find yourself here, but welcome.  
@CraftyG I'm sorry this is a hard month for you.  I like organizing too when I'm stressed.
@kindbytealikat that's kind of my reasoning behind posting.  One of the things I've found most frustrating about my loss is the idea that it should be a secret or shouldn't be talked about, and there is just way too much emotion involved to try and internalize everything.
@galactickates I'm sorry you've been feeling like you're alone.  Even though we're all here for the same reason our experiences are still all so different.  I can't imagine what it was like to say goodbye to a baby with a beating heart.  I'm glad @Jyoung327 was able to give you some reassurance 

  

zamoraspin

Ladies, I’m so glad we have each other.

TW I’ve been bopping along and just realized tomorrow I have a meeting with several pregnant women... do you guys have difficulty seeing pregnant women? I still do sometimes. End TW

kindbytealikat

@zamora_spin that comes and goes for me. *TW In DS BMB group I’m in their are 5 woman all pregnant now, all after my loss but share the month with one. And a few with Little’s 1ish and under. We still do HDBD to show off our toddlers and I really have to avoid it most weeks. I can’t do to the bumps and Little’s **TW END

holly321

@zamora_spin

TW... Unexpectedly, yes it really bothers me.  But, I am doing better with it (although, I have had 5 months to get used to it ) my SI byL is pregnant due 5 weeks before I was.  I went to her baby shower on Saturday.  It wasn't terrible.  The harder part was her family talking about several other pregnant family members.  My coworker is pregnant too, which, I mentioned at the Christmas party how it really upset me, but doesn't bother me at all now.  Honestly, it makes me uncomfortable and strssed about how I might feel more than anything.   But, when I am getting blood work at the OBgyn's office, I do hate all those happy pregnant women.  So I guess it doesn't bother me if it is some

Jyoung327

galactickates said:

@Jyoung327 - I finally got on desktop and saw your siggy. tw* kids mentioned ** that is really incredible that your ds was born almost to the day of your EP. I don't know why but I find that really beautiful.  I am so sorry you had to go through so much to get there. Also - Congrats on #2!  end tw* Do you mind if I ever PM you with questions? 

It's funny you mention DS birthday because I was in the same hospital on the same day a year apart and we did talk about it that day. It was very much a blessing, something that made up for all the bad....I wish there was a way for me to give you that certainty that it will be you someday because I remember laying on the nursery floor so many times, feeling empty, empty room, hopeless and just bitter at everyone else who got a baby. For this to have happened on your first pregnancy is so awful. And I didn't know about the comment on seeing the heartbeat...unbearable. mine was nearly missed too, i had methotrexate injections nearly 3 week before that didn't work. I have never private messaged before but I am definitely open to talking if I can figure out how to to do it!  

offtoneverland

@coco2787 That's a really beautiful quote. I hope that it brought you some closure after posting it. Hopefully some people reach out to you after seeing it and don't ignore it. I got a miscarriage devotional that @acciocoffee recommended and I think I'm going to post on Goodreads that I'm reading it. A few friends follow me on GR, so at least it's a start!
@zamora_spin Yes, it bothers me sometimes too. I find that I get really jealous and assume that it was all so easy for them. But I try to remind myself that I don't know the person and who knows what kind of TTC journey they had. *TW* In your case, I would just be afraid that having a bunch of pregnant ladies together would mean they would divert the conversation to pregnancies and babies, so hopefully they all get down to business quickly and don't mention their pregnancies much. *end TW* 

ChloandCoco

Ladies, I’m sorry I’ve been MIA the last couple of days, it’s been crazy busy at home and at work. I will be back tomorrow to catch up with everyone. 

@zamora_spin TW** I’m a little bothered by seeing pregnant women too, not so much these days, but I don’t see/talk to any on a daily basis. I know this will be hard, but you are strong. Can you plan something after to give you something to look forward to? For example, grabbing a cup of your favorite coffee?