When to announce?

knottiecb1281c532a3ff58

Hi ladies! So excited to be a part of this group. I am 9 weeks today with twins, and due to conceiving through IVF have already had 2 ultrasounds at 7w2d and 8w6d with both babies showing growth and strong heartbeats (179 and 171 yesterday!). I am getting anxious about announcing to the world and am just wondering when you all decide (or decided) to share! Thank you

cthulu

When you feel like you want to tell people 

calimom2524

knottiecb1281c532a3ff58 said:

Hi ladies! So excited to be a part of this group. I am 9 weeks today with twins, and due to conceiving through IVF have already had 2 ultrasounds at 7w2d and 8w6d with both babies showing growth and strong heartbeats (179 and 171 yesterday!). I am getting anxious about announcing to the world and am just wondering when you all decide (or decided) to share! Thank you

Welcome and congrats! This question could probably have gone in the questions thread. You should definitely check out the pinned post at the top about board guidelines and etiquette! It's a helpful tool to keep the board organized and not bogged down by a bunch of individual questions/posts. Also, if you change your name we can get to know you better. 

vinerie

calimom2524 said:

knottiecb1281c532a3ff58 said:

Hi ladies! So excited to be a part of this group. I am 9 weeks today with twins, and due to conceiving through IVF have already had 2 ultrasounds at 7w2d and 8w6d with both babies showing growth and strong heartbeats (179 and 171 yesterday!). I am getting anxious about announcing to the world and am just wondering when you all decide (or decided) to share! Thank you

Welcome and congrats! This question could probably have gone in the questions thread. You should definitely check out the pinned post at the top about board guidelines and etiquette! It's a helpful tool to keep the board organized and not bogged down by a bunch of individual questions/posts. Also, if you change your name we can get to know you better. 

I'm going to disagree on where this should "go." I think this is a pretty timely topic that warrants its own standalone discussion. It's something I'm REALLY struggling with myself, as I'm dreading telling my boss. Not sure if the OP was talking about announcing to friends and family or work or both. A coworker who knows my situation advised me to wait as there will likely be informal "consequences" when I do share the news. Such is sadly the state of the world for many women-folk. Still, I think we are all getting closer to telling more people, so one vote here for having a discussion on it. I will say to the OP--this is your first post--it would be great if you could introduce yourself in the introductions thread. And also change your username from the alpha-numeric knottie name as it will be a lot easier to get to know you with a unique username. Also: Welcome!

Edit: grammar is hard. 

calimom2524

vinerie said:

calimom2524 said:

knottiecb1281c532a3ff58 said:

Hi ladies! So excited to be a part of this group. I am 9 weeks today with twins, and due to conceiving through IVF have already had 2 ultrasounds at 7w2d and 8w6d with both babies showing growth and strong heartbeats (179 and 171 yesterday!). I am getting anxious about announcing to the world and am just wondering when you all decide (or decided) to share! Thank you

Welcome and congrats! This question could probably have gone in the questions thread. You should definitely check out the pinned post at the top about board guidelines and etiquette! It's a helpful tool to keep the board organized and not bogged down by a bunch of individual questions/posts. Also, if you change your name we can get to know you better. 

I'm going to disagree on where this should "go." I think this is a pretty timely topic that warrants its own standalone discussion. It's something I'm REALLY struggling with myself, as I'm dreading telling my boss. Not sure if the OP was talking about announcing to friends and family or work or both. A coworker who knows my situation advised me to wait as there will likely be informal "consequences" when I do share the news. Such is sadly the state of the world for many women-folk. Still, I think we are all getting closer to telling more people, so one vote here for having a discussion on it. I will say to the OP--this is your first post--it would be great if you could introduce yourself in the introductions thread. And also change your username from the alpha-numeric knottie name as it will be a lot easier to get to know you with a unique username. Also: Welcome!

Edit: grammar is hard. 

Yeah I suppose I can see that, I guess the fact that it's half intro half question is where I saw it being kinda AW-y. Also the when to announce is such a personal decision it's hard to really answer that for someone else. When I feel is the right time to announce will certainly not be the same for the next person. I also totally agree with you, announcing at work for women immediately gets us treated differently whether people are trying to or not. I'm going to be holding off announcing at work as long as possible. 

southerngirlinwi

@vinerie I am somewhat struggling with the announcing thing too, though most of my coworkers and my boss know because they guessed. Luckily, they have been extremely supportive. My boss actually told me not to take sick time/PTO for my doctor's appointments as long as I am getting my work done. But I am conflicted to tell friends and my community. My immediate family knows, but that's it. And it is starting to get annoying to keep it a secret. I keep having to make up excuses as to why I can't go out with friends because I don't want to have to pretend to drink. My first US is tomorrow and I am 10 weeks today, so I am thinking about starting to spread the news soon because it will be easier. But maybe I will make it to 13 or so weeks.

knottiecb1281c532a3ff58

Sorry if I posted in the wrong place! I am still getting used to the app I will be more cautious if I post anything again. Not sure how to change my username but will look into that also.

I guess I’m just wondering if most people wait until 12/13 weeks because that’s when their first ultrasound is and they hear a heartbeat, or if it’s okay after a 9 or 10 week ultrasound with a strong heartbeat. I know there are still risks then but I read they drop to 1 or 2% by 10 weeks and I don’t think they drop much more after 12. I like those odds!

calimom2524

knottiecb1281c532a3ff58 said:

Sorry if I posted in the wrong place! I am still getting used to the app I will be more cautious if I post anything again. Not sure how to change my username but will look into that also.

I guess I’m just wondering if most people wait until 12/13 weeks because that’s when their first ultrasound is and they hear a heartbeat, or if it’s okay after a 9 or 10 week ultrasound with a strong heartbeat. I know there are still risks then but I read they drop to 1 or 2% by 10 weeks and I don’t think they drop much more after 12. I like those odds!

It's super simple! Login with your credentials over at theknot.com and change your username under preferences. Then come back to TB and log out then back in and voila, new username.

I know some people like to wait until second tri to announce because of the odds of mc dropping lower, however, I know a lot of people also like to announce as soon as they get BFP because if they are going to suffer a loss they want their closest family and friends to be there for support. Again, it's a super personal decision on why anyone chooses to announce or to wait, so whatever feels right for you is the right decision! 

hfooter

I’ve basically told everyone butbhavent announced on FB if that makes sense. I’m only 8 weeksish. And have had a miscarriage before, it just makes so much sense to share it when you are ready. 

I wont announce on FB till I have my first ultrasound which is at 10 weeks. Not sure how many people it will be news for but oh well lol

legallykate

I'm struggling with the work announcement timing too. I have a big project due at the end of the month so I was planning on telling my supervisors after that (when I will be 13 weeks) so it doesn't seem like I was trying to slack off on the project in any way, I will probably have to work a few all nighters the last week of the month to get it done. But now I have another big project due 2/15, and it just seems like there will never be a good time. I am a litigator so we are also already scheduling court deadlines and appearances into early 2020 (!) and I want to give the staffing partners plenty of time to adjust staffing for my cases for August - December when I will be out (we get 18 weeks so it's a significant chunk and there are already projects I know of during that timeframe). 

princesslockness

knottiecb1281c532a3ff58 said:

Sorry if I posted in the wrong place! I am still getting used to the app I will be more cautious if I post anything again. Not sure how to change my username but will look into that also.

I guess I’m just wondering if most people wait until 12/13 weeks because that’s when their first ultrasound is and they hear a heartbeat, or if it’s okay after a 9 or 10 week ultrasound with a strong heartbeat. I know there are still risks then but I read they drop to 1 or 2% by 10 weeks and I don’t think they drop much more after 12. I like those odds!

I have done both. We waited with L to announce at Christmas, he was an August baby as well, so 7-9 weeks. With E as soon as I could throw something together after the test dried, so maybe 4 weeks. With this baby I didn't do anything formal, but work knows. I'm a teacher, so finding a long term sub or a good person to do half days with is important to get rolling now. We have yet to tell family though, and we are over 10 weeks.

****TW loss mentioned********
We started out with 2 this pregnancy, and lost one several days before Christmas. I'm glad we didn't tell family as that would have been awkward phone convo, but work has been great.
*****End TW********
Its a personal thing as to who you want to be able to grieve with, if something happens. Its also 100% ok to never announce if you don't want to - at least until LO is outside, then its probably a good idea let people know.  

delujm0

The first time, DH didn't want to tell anyone until after the NT scan at 12 weeks, so that's when we told family and friends.  I told work at 16 weeks.  What @vinerie said is true, there are always consequences there no matter how supportive they are being.
 
The second time I told my two bff's immediately, one of them was due 4 days before me and had just told me.  They've both MC'd before, so I wanted to be able to talk to them if I had a loss.  We told family and other friends when NIPT came back clean, and work again at 16 weeks.
 
This time DH wants to wait for NIPT to come back before we tell anyone so we'll see how that goes.

bluebell08

@hfooter I'm the exact same. Everyone except social media knows. I'm not so sure why I just don't want to make it that public. 

I actually already told work....
I work with two different bosses. They are the exact opposite or each other in terms of how they deal with work situations. I told one of them pretty early on, as time is very important to him. I was late everyday for about two weeks and he made several comments. So I told him,  knowing he and his wife have a 7 month old and he would completely change his attitude about me coming in later and staying later. I ended up telling my other boss earlier this week bc in the middle of conversation I had to run to the bathroom bc I thought I was about to throw up after lunch. lol He told me I could go home for the day if I was sick... so I told him. I wasn't planning on telling anyone at work until at least 15ish weeks but oh well! At least I have gotten major sympathy working around mainly married/with children men. 

juliebird6

We told our immediate families (parents, siblings) right away, around 5 weeks.  I told my supervisor and co-workers who share a suite with me around 6 weeks for a number of reasons.  I need to train my substitute, so the sooner we can begin doing that, the better.  I also didn't feel weird about telling them early because if something were to happen, I'd totally take time off and would explain why, so no issues with telling early.

multifariousmermaid

I've been wavering on this issue as well. Hubby is super excited to start telling people and would've started the day we got a positive but I've been able to convince him to wait. I would be comfortable sharing with some of my family and friends after my first appointment because I know they would be able to keep it quiet until we officially announce after the first trimester but to be fair we'd need to tell his family and his close friends. As much as I can't wait to share the news with them they have proven in the past that they cannot keep any sort of lid on anything. So, I'm leaning toward waiting until after the first tri to tell anyone.

@princesslockness ever since I got on this board I've been seeing you post and your siggy has had me scratching my head. Until today I thought that was your actual announcement photo! HAHAHAHA I had to keep saying "bless her heart" every time I saw it. I'm not sure how I missed the "awkward family photos" in the top right of the pic, I guess it must've been my blondeness lololol

livinthesunnylife

We have told just my immediate family and my best friend at this point.  After my U/S next week (8w) we will tell DH's immediate family (in laws, pooey).  I am also telling my Mom Group from DS after the U/S.  Then we will tell some of our closest friends between 8-12w.  At the 12w mark I will make the social media announcement to tell the extended family.  I will avoid telling work for as long as I think I can get away with it physically.  I agree whole heartedly that it impacts your work perception, even if it legally shouldn't.  Realistically that probably won't be much longer than 12-15w just because baby 2...so probably showing sooner. 

Edited: spelling

kburg15

I told my mom, sister, and best friends right away, so I was barely 4 weeks. TW - we had two losses last year in July and November, so I wanted them to know right away in case anything went wrong. I didn’t tell anyone when I was pregnant in July and a miscarriage was difficult to go through when I had to tell them the pregnancy and loss news at the same time -TW. We never told DH’s family about last year since we are much more private when it comes to them, so we haven’t told them about this either and I’m 7w3d. We’ll wait until our first appt probably around 10 or 11 weeks to tell them. When it comes to work, I will likely let them know next week as I’m traveling with my entire team and I feel/look like crap and I know they are already planning resource-wise for me to have another baby. 

LCartee2016

So, I'm 10 weeks and 1 day and we told everyone around 8 weeks +, right after we heard the heartbeat. This will be our second little one, but 4th pregnancy, and I hid my first two until 12 weeks, but I decided the support was worth telling. Now, all that said, this is something you decide based on your comfort level. Good luck momma!

scottishlass1213

I'm 10 W 1 day and my mom knew at like 4 weeks because we were in Scotland together for a funeral for two weeks and I wanted to make her happy and also it was going to be odd if I wasn't drinking and she would notice haha

Rest of my family we told at Christmas.  I actually told my boss at about 6.5 weeks because I was already feeling miserable and I have a pretty cool boss in terms of working from home etc and she knows I am an anxious person too and has two kids of her own so I knew I could tell her.

Randomly 2 other people know at my work as well because I work for an Integrative Health University and two ladies practice Reiki and flat out asked me because they noticed my energy or aura or however that works. I'm a terrible liar so I just told them.

I plan to not try to conceal after my 12 week appointment if all goes well in 2 weeks.  I'm already showing so I have had to dress a bit more baggier than I normally do at work. I usually wear cute dresses and now I am forced into cardigans and loose blouses hahaha

scottishlass1213

Oh and our best friends know as well. I told mine at 5 weeks because she had just been through a D&C and knew we were trying so I thought it was best to tell her.

Firemanswife11

I told my husband, friend and a coworker the day I found out. Told my boss the next day. Told best friends at a Christmas party. Told our families over Christmas. We just had a scan yesterday at 8w4d and all looks great so I assume we will be telling "social media" soon. 

canadianmom89

With my DD and this pregnancy we told my family (Mom, Dad and brothers) the day I POAS and the in-laws we told within a week or so of finding out. We also told a few close friends. A bunch of my “Zumba friends” have figured it out both times because I’m not going as crazy in class. We waited until 12 weeks for social media and will probably do the same this time 

last time work was a completely different situation and I told them very early on 7 ish weeks. This time I’m working at a new company and I haven’t told them yet and I’m not sure when I will , either at 10 weeks right after my first U/S since we have a big gala that week end and I won’t be able to drink. Or i might wait until 12 weeks. I’m a little nervous , I know my coworkers will be happy for me but I feel terrible because I’ve only been at the job for 9 months and I’ll be there just about 16 months when I go off for maternity leave and I will be taking a full year off ( I could even take up to 18 months but won’t ) so they will have to find a replacement to be there for as nearly as long as I’ve been there so I just feel bad they have to turn around and hire someone new again, plus a bunch of people are retiring this year so they are already trying to fill positions like crazy 

vinerie

We told family at Christmas and I have told a few good friends. Definitely not announcing on social media for awhile. Last time I think I did that around 20 weeks. I think I'm going to wait until after the NIPT testing to tell work, but I know that my boss is working on coordinating things that will happen next fall, which means she probably would appreciate knowing sooner rather than later. 

My issue with work is that paid maternity leave is a new thing where I work. When I took it the first time my boss (who is also a mom) smugly shared with me that she did not have maternity leave as it was not a policy when she had her kids, and had to come back to work right away. I have also been on leave this past fall for research (I am a professor). So fall 2016 I was on mat leave, fall 2017 I was on research leave and fall 2018 I plan on being on mat leave again. The optics aren't great, with me being gone so much. But mat leave is a benefit, and I can't imagine they'll deny me, even though I've been on another type of leave this past fall. But I will get comments and I think people will start to see me as absent and thus, not productive. There is nothing I can do about that except try to do a ton while I am here, which is what I'm doing (when I'm not commenting on TB of course, lol.)

jsnakehole

I told my cousin (who is my pregnancy mentor) right away. We told my brother and his wife (who are due in June) a few days later. We also told our friends from Shul because a) they're having a baby in April and b) we were at a party and I was turning down alcohol. 

I told my BFF after I got my blood test back confirming. We also told another couple we're good friends with because their wedding is on my due date. I also told my AP because I needed to leave early for my first appointment. 

On Christmas we told our parents, my other brother, and my BILs. My mom called all her dad, siblings, and her three best friends (including my payroll secretary). She also told a handful of other people. 

DH told a few of his friends, and then brought our ultrasound picture to show everyone in his unit while he was at drill. 

We're making it 'Facebook official' at the end of February. I don't mind that we've told a bunch of people, and it's been nice to have the support, especially with how gross I've been feeling. 

princesslockness

@multifariousmermaid HAHAHAH, no. I have never had a picture of any human in our announcements. The dogs on the other hand . . . 

If your SO's family have proven to be loud mouths, then don't tell them. You can still tell your family early. 
Fair is not always Equal, and Equal is not always fair. It would be like having your mom but not his in the room for birth. Its fair, as one is the mom who pushed the 'pusher' out and is a comfort to the 'pusher'. The other mom is to the 'support one' in the room. It would be FAIR, but not EQUAL. Big and important distinction. 

redheadbride15

I'm definitely on the cautious/private end of the spectrum when it comes to this decision. Right now only DH and I know this news. I will wait until after the cfDNA testing and NT scan (12-13 weeks) to tell immediate family and close friends, and will wait until after the anatomy scan (20 weeks) to tell work and some other family members. No social media announcements until the birth. With my first pregnancy I didn't really show until third trimester, so that made it easy. It's possible I may not have that level of flexibility this time around so I’ll play it by ear. As people have said, this is a very individual decision. *TW* I had a loss in November and it was easier for me/DH to bear it alone, but I recognize this isn’t true for everyone. I’m also prepared to terminate for medical reasons if necessary and I know some of my family wouldn’t agree with that. I hate the idea of having to explain myself during what would probably be the most devastating decision of my life. *end TW*

rosalie0208

I agree that when to announce is a personal decision....we chose to announce at 5 wks with our daughter bc following our previous loss I wanted support and prayers. With this baby, we announced to family and friends immediately at 5 weeks and then to social media at 7 wks because I wanted to do a NYE theme announcement. That being said, I completely understand the feelings of wanting to be further along before announcing. It really just comes down to what you’re most comfortable with!! There’s no right or wrong time that’s the same for everyone 

neeraja_k

At 7w4d, the only people who know so far are my two best friends.

As far as my family goes, would it be bad to just move across the country before I start to show and then have it out there? I absolutely dread them finding out, so they'll find out when I can't hide it anymore I guess.

lakesideknitter

@neeraja_k but why?

7425cait

I've told a lot of people at this point. A bunch of colleagues who all knew I was TTC. My family and DH's parents know. We decided to tell early because when I was spotting, and had my first us, all I could think about is that if I found out I was miscarrying, the first thing I would want to do is go see my mom. So that confirmed for me that I would need her support either way.

neeraja_k

@lakesideknitter Sadly just inescapable family drama. All that's left is my mom and maternal grandmother. Mom's a raging narcissist that's hard to deal with and has no respect for boundaries.

Grandma, also a narcissist, who honestly belongs in a home. She thinks if she holds her will (that I'm not even in) over my head I'll do all the things for her, even more than I already do. She's a full time job without pay.

We were planning on moving out west this year and a surprise baby has kind of thrown a kink in that probably. Moving away when my mom's only kid has her first kid? Yeah, drama fest right there.

It's already overwhelming and no one knows anything yet.. 

knottiecb1281c532a3ff58

Thank you all SO much for your replies! This has helped me come closer to a decision.. I think we will spread the word at work and to extended family after our 11 week appointment.. social media around then too! I am grateful to be part of this great group of mommas

lakesideknitter

@neeraja_k yikes. That is a lot. I know it's difficult, but the best advice I've ever gotten is that you have children so that they can grow up and be adults and make their own decisions. You don't have children so that you can guilt trip them into doing the things you want them to do. Obviously, I don't know all the details, but maybe your announcement will be a good opportunity to give a gentle (or harsh) reality check?

neeraja_k

@lakesideknitter That's what I've been trying to work out now my head while I'm waiting for ~12+ weeks and the NIPT to get finished, just to be sure of things before I do announce.

My absolutely wonderful MIL, who's helped me deal with my relationship with my mom and is honestly the mom I never really had growing up. So I'm planning on announcing to her first, maybe she will have some sage advice as well. She's also a stubborn only child of a narcissist guilt-tripping mother, so she "gets it". 

I just think it's going to be ugly.

izmom28

As I’ve seen friends/family in person, I have let them know. I will do a FB announcement of some sorts some time next month. 

Im nervous about work. My job has a GREAT maternity leave policy, so I know they are ok with it. But I’m still fairly new. We’re supposed to be having reviews soon, and I would like to wait until after that. But I honestly don’t know exactly when they do them, and I feel like I’ll announce by Valentine’s Day (13 weeks) even if I haven’t had mine yet. 

hardlyhannah

Fwiw we never did a social media announcement with DS at all. We told friends and family personally and left it at that. A couple pictures were posted by friends and some people caught on and I didn’t hide it per se, just figured the people that needed to know did!

serenbach

Congratulations, great news that things have been good with your scans! 

I’m currently 9 weeks, I’ve told people really close to me as and when I’ve seen them. I think i’ll hold off an ‘announcement’ on social media this time round, I’ve found it more enjoyable telling people in person and I was planning on taking a picture of DS after we’ve been for the 12 week scan with the scan photo and sending it to close friends who live far away. 
I didn’t plan on telling work until 12 week but I’m a psychiatric nurse and there was an incident on the ward that would have been dangerous so I had to tell my colleagues... they’re now treating me like a snowflake and following me every time I walk on the ward!

tops-2

I agree with everyone saying it's a personal decision.
As we've previously had a loss I am a lot more cautious than last time. We told both of our mums after our first ultrasound showed everything was ok We are planning on telling our siblings after our next US - I'll be 9 weeks then.
Then telling family and friends in general will be after the 12 weeks scan.

The girls I work closely with have known since I found out, but I'll tell the rest of work at 12 weeks too

aj1327

hardlyhannah said:

Fwiw we never did a social media announcement with DS at all. We told friends and family personally and left it at that. A couple pictures were posted by friends and some people caught on and I didn’t hide it per se, just figured the people that needed to know did!

This is exactly what I did with my first. Not sure if I’ll do one this time. Most of my close friends and family know already. I’m terrible at keeping secrets and wasn’t drinking and pretty sick over the holidays so we just told people if we saw them.

multifariousmermaid

@princesslockness that's a very interesting way to look at it. I suppose there is an important distinction between fair and equal. Thanks!