FFFC

izza2

Not-so-flame free Friday confession.

izza2

I started this selfishly. Feel free to flame away.


I'm really kind of angry that my cousin is pregnant and due just a week before me. I feel bad for feeling this way, but it's the truth.


My cousin ("A") is 20. A has no job. She lives with her BF and borrows money from her parents, that she never pays back. A was with her current BF for 3 months before she got pregnant. She constantly talks crap about him. A also has a 2 year old daughter from another relationship where she was with someone for a few months and ended up pregnant. She also talked crap about him on FB and it's the same exact scenario over again with this one.

I really don't know how to explain my feelings about it. Part of it is anger that she's "stealing the show", which is ridiculous and I can acknowledge this but can't get over it, and part of it is anger that my cousins are fertile myrtles who do nothing more than forget one pill or have one condom break and they're popping out kids like pimples, while so many of my friends have and still are struggling with IF.
*sigh*

rnielsen321

@izza2 - Been there, or somewhere similar... as someone who has been through the struggle that is IF, I can totally relate to those types of feelings. So no flame from me. I have had my share of tear filled nights of "good advice" overload. (just have a bottle of red wine! you need to relax! just put your cutest panties on the bed post! Have you tried this particular diet... It will happen if it is meant to be. Just keep trying etc.) All while friends are like falling into bed and getting pregnant and I am on a 5 year "journey" for my first at the cost of $100K++... Le sigh.  

My FFC is that I have sushi while pregnant. I love it. It comes from a very reputable sushi place, and I have done the research (SCIENCE) and have made the personal decision that if I want it, I will have it. Spicy salmon roll for the win. 

sunshineandwhiskey

@izza2 I think your feelings are completely valid! No flames here. And it’s people like that that have no idea why their actions upset so many people. 

@rnielsen321 I’m not a sushi fan, but I’ve eaten Tuna, cold sandwiches, hotdogs, soft cheese, and had a sip of whiskey slush. *shrugs* Solidarity sista! 

My FFFC: my husband and I both have snow days (we both work for schools) - DD is at daycare. 

izza2

@rnielsen321 @sunshineandwhiskey - I'm with both of you. Soft cheese, cold sandwiches, hot dogs, tuna (not too much though)... yum. I haven't had sushi, but totally would if I was in the mood for it. I also had a couple sips of a new alcoholic beverage that a local brewery made for the winter season. It was delish.

Amphibious22

@izza2 no flames from me either. In fact my fffc is pretty much exactly the same. My sister is also pregnant and about 8 weeks behind me. I really am, or at least want to be, happy for her, but I definitely have mixed emotions. Even more so after I heard she just started trying and got it on her first try which means that she started trying right around when I told her I was pregnant. Also it took me almost two years to get a bfp, so it's hard to hear about it being so easy for her. 

And @rnielsen321 absolutely with you! I've had sushi, granted just shrimp tempura rolls but still, and a hot dog, and I eat turkey subs from Jersey Mike's like 2-3 times a month. 

becca_123

@izza2 Totally acceptable to feel that way!  Damn, I feel a slight pang of jealousy when I see the couple of people on my FB who are also due around the same time as me and that is for no good reason!  Yours is totally a valid reason.

@sunshineandwhiskey lol no flames here I'm sure I'd have done the same thing 

My fffc: This is the third day in a row that I plan to stay in pajamas all day. 

edit because the post totally deleted my part to @rnielsen321- I stopped avoiding sushi after 12 weeks because DH kept making me go to our favorite sushi restaurant and tempura vegetable rolls are gross!  Gimme all the spicy salmon and toro!

krash_

@izza2 100% with you on that! But if it helps MH and I were talking the other day that it's cool that people are like legitimately happy for us and actually excited for us to be parents whereas I'm sure you're not the only one that feels that way about your cousin. 

@rnielsen321 I had sushi last night  I've also had Jimmy Johns, soft cheese and runny eggs (MH fights me on this one but I continue to tell him that getting salmonella is no worse when you're pregnant)

@sunshineandwhiskey I would totally do that sometime! Enjoy a relaxing day at home with YH! Maybe some afternoon delight 

AFM...I don't like the concept of a "boy mom" you don't hear moms saying they are a "girl mom." I think all kids have differences in personality and you could have a girl that is just as rough and tumble as any boy. I think it perpetuates gender stereotypes. 

Amphibious22

@krashke omg yes times a thousand! Also I got a little peeved at my mom who said she's happy we're having a boy first because then he can be the protective older brother of our next kid. And I was like umm so you can't have a protective older sister?? And also I have 2 older brothers and never once have I felt the need to be "protected" by them. 

doxiemoxie212

@izza2 DH has a friend who he’s known since he was 4. His gf is due end of January but they didn’t really tell anyone until recently, so maybe a month before we told folks. Neither he nor his gf have jobs, they live with a bunch of roommates in a not good area, used to (ugh I hope it really is past tense) do a ton of drugs, etc. It was so awk because all our mutual friends were so excited for us but just so.... bummed... about them. I told DH I was happy we didn’t find out until after I’d gotten pregnant. I think their oops would’ve pissed me off more than I’d have liked. 

NamelessAria

@izza2 on the one hand I'm right there with you on the fertile myrtles. I spent 2 years TTC my son with 6 losses before finally having him. And so many wonderful ladies I know struggled for ever longer or are still struggling. Those ladies will/would be amazing mothers. It seems like some sort of cosmic injustice that there are people who will be terrible parents and they have no trouble then people who would give a child a wonderful life struggle. So I totally get your frustration with the situation with your cousin.

On the other hand: this time around I'm the fertile myrtle who got pregnant while TTA on birth control of even a full 4 months PP. So I feel like I have no right to really say much about fertile myrtles at this point without being a bit of a hypocrite.

AFM: I don't find out the sex of baby till the 24th and even though I would be perfectly happy to have another boy I've been secretly shopping online for baby girl clothes. I haven't actually purchased anything yet but I've definitely done a lot of "window shopping." I have this weird feeling that if baby is a boy I'll be sad I can't buy girl things and I can't use the name I have in mind for a girl. But I don't think I'll actually be sad about having another boy. My son is amazing. I think he would love having a brother. I'm fine either way. But oh man those little girl clothes are so incredibly adorable and I want to buy some.  

amys614

@izza2 no flame here. While I did not struggle with IF, I can only imagine the journey. On a similar note to your cousin, I get so frustrated when I see people continue to have children when they can't take care of the ones they have.  Whether financially, emotionally, whatever.  Like seriously use protection until you have your isht together. 

@rnielsen321 I have been wanting sushi! It's next on my list. I ate 2 hotdogs last night for dinner. 

@sunshineandwhiskey enjoy the day with YH! Don't blame you at all!

My FFFC: I secretly love the extra "attention" from being pregnant. I am not an all eyes on me kind of enjoyer. I don't want a shower where everyone will watch me open gifts. That kind of attention makes me super uncomfortable. Rather,  I'm really loving always getting to pick what we eat, people willing to pick up extra slack because they don't want me to overdo it, carrying things, etc. Just the small little extra acts of love from my BF, friends and family, & coworkers. I dont have anyone that over does it and acts like I'm unable to care for myself, bc then I may find it annoying, but right now as it is, secretly loving it.  I don't even know if that makes sense. 

lisa2589

I’m with a lot of you ladies. Even with a healthy DD before my 2 losses, it was and even now that I’m preggo again still is hard to see people getting pregnant at what seems the drop of a hat. I wish I wasn’t that green eyed monster but alas. Like a co-worker who’s first is half a year younger than my first and already has a newborn. That really triggered me. 

icecubeinthedesert

I stand with you too, @izza2.

My FFFC: I don't really enjoy telling people I'm pregnant. I get all anxious about it and stressed. IDK why, because I know these people will be happy for me. But I'd rather someone else tell them all for me and have them just come up and congratulate me themselves. I hate making myself the center of attention.

ramennoodlegif

@icecubeinthedesert I am with you. I kinda toyed with the idea of not even mentioning it and just waiting to see if anybody would ask. 

krash_

@icecubeinthedesert I'm the same way. I didn't mind telling family but friends were even kinda weird, I'm glad most people just found out on FB. But at work it is SO AWKWARD! One woman knows and she was by my desk yesterday and said "hey mama" kind of loud and then was so apologetic that she spilled the beans because a couple people came over to ask if they heard what they thought they heard. I was like its no big deal because I would rather you tell people then me having to tell people lol

murraydog2008

@icecubeinthedesert YES!!! I am right there with you. I don't know why it's so hard to tell people this time, but it's so awkward for me.  I told my 2 co-workers that I share an office with super early on because they both knew about my loss and I had super crazy anxiety over it happening again, but after that I just didn't feel like telling anyone else.  I've made the kids tell the family so I didn't have to. And when it comes to telling other co-workers, I've just not done it. Now that I'm showing, people are asking. My supervisor has taken great pleasure in telling people before I'm ready for them to know which is so awkward and frustrating and disrespectful.

Austenista

@icecubeinthedesert yeah I’m not such a fan of sharing either. I get so nervous like I’m giving away my power or something. Hard to explain. Also I don’t want to talk to anyone about my symptoms, how I’m feeling, hear advice, or be called little mommy or anything like that. I think if I could I would just tell no one. I feel like people are less enthusiastic as the next kid comes anyway so if we are blessed with a third I might just go ahead with my desires and not tell anyone but immediate family.

ramennoodlegif

@Austenista This is our third baby in less than four years (because that's what happens when you're late to the game and the clock is ticking.) If I had a buck for every time I've had to sit through comments like "Oh, you know how that happens, right?" or "Tell him to stay off of you," I'd be sitting on a beach right now. I am wishing I hadn't gone public, so when people do ask, I could make them feel as uncomfortable as I can by saying something awkward like "Nope, just love pizza rolls."

krash_

@Austenista if one more person asks me how I'm feeling I'm going to scream! Most of the time they don't actually care how I'm feeling they just don't know what else to ask. Also we don't only have to talk about me being pregnant. I still have other things going on in my life that we can talk about. 

May14th2011

My sil is having another kid, the month before us, and I think it's a terrible idea. They financially can't take care of the kids they have and she's kind of a mean, yell-y person to the kids she has now. Obviously I'll never say anything, but watching her scream at her kids for stuff they shouldn't be in trouble for is... awful. 

ffw0617

@izza2 I feel you. I didn't have any IF issues, but my cousin is also pg, she told the family at Christmas shes 4 weeks behind me, unmarried, with her 2nd child and only recently moved out her parent's house (she's constantly moving in and out so there is no telling how long until she's back). Not to mention the dad is much older than her and has kids buy other women.

AFM (and on that same note) I confessed I moved up the date to announce on social media up 2 weeks because I knew we'd find out the gender the next week, but that wasn't the main reason. I had one friend and DH has another friend all due Dec and I didn't want their birth announcements to trump our pg announcement. AND above mention cousin was throwing hints on social media that she was pg (talking about cravings, saying she felt sick, etc) and I wanted to get our news out before she did.

2nd confess: I'm scared my debt might ruin any chance I have at a more than 6 week maternity leave. The closer it gets to June the more I realize getting it under control won't be possible. And its just not something I'm willing to pass off to DH while I stay home with the baby. I hate I let it go on this long.

NamelessAria

@kfren ugh I've gotten so many of those stupid comments this time around. When my husband and I told my MIL she literally said she felt sorry for me and that my husband should give me "a break." She made some comment about how she was so sure they had "the talk" before. The whole thing was insanely awkward. She called some of the family on my husband's side to tell them the news and the jokes just started rolling in about how we needed to brush up on our sex education and such. The number of people expressing pity on our behalf was staggering. Like "oh you poor dears having another so soon. I'm so sorry." We even had some people go so far as to strongly imply it isn't too late for an abortion. Like, WTF? I tried really hard to frame it when I announced to people that we are happy and excited despite being very surprised. I was expecting slightly more positive responses from people. I'm sorry you've dealt with the same thing. I'm not sure why people feel like they have a right to say anything other than congratulations or some other positive comment when the couple having the baby are happy about it. 

krash_

@ffw0617 have you consolidated your debt? We had a couple credit cards get wracked up while we were buying our house. We wanted to keep more cash on hand for closing so we paid for the inspection and first year of homeowners insurance on credit cards. After we closed on the house we opened a credit card that had zero interest for 12 months and 0% on balance transfers and transferred all of our existing debt to that one card. Then we just divided the total by the number of months we had to pay it off and we are just making that payment each month. 

ffw0617

@krashke no I have not consolidated. The stuff that's out of control is 2 credit cards (really its only one thats out of control since the other is closed and on a payment plan), 1 personal loan and 1 furniture purchase. I wouldn't be able to pay for the furniture or personal loan with a credit card (can only pay with bank account).

ramennoodlegif

@NamelessAria Sorry you've had to endure that crap, too. I would say I cannot believe that people were so rude to you, but it is amazing to me how insensitive people can be about others' family planning choices. I especially hate when people ask if this one was planned, like I just walk around, offering up tidbits about our sex life*.
*sometimes, when people ask, I have to fight the urge to go into a very in-depth reponse that would most likely make them not want to talk to me ever again.*

I just want people to a) quit commenting on my appearance, b) quit asking me super personal questions, and c) at least act like we haven't done something pity-worthy!

krash_

@ffw0617 do you have a car that you can do an auto loan on? Even if you owe on it still as long as the amount that you owe and the amount of debt is less than or equal to the value of the car they should be able to do it. When we did that once they opened the loan for the full value of the car, then they paid off the bit we had left on it with another bank and put the rest into our checking account to pay off the credit cards. This was with a small credit union so it might be different with a big bank. 

murraydog2008

@Kfren I'm getting those stupid comments too.  This is our 3rd also and we have a boy/girl already so people assume that's the perfect family.  We WANTED this baby. It was not an accident.  I like to make people feel really awkward by saying that.

My FFFC - Every single time I watch the movie Love Actually, I want to name our baby girl Aurelia.

MoonOverGoldsboro

@sunshineandwhiskey My H and I were both off the weekend between Christmas and NYE and we sent our son to daycare twice that week. One day we went to see a matinee of The Last Jedi in a theater with those giant awesome recliners. No regrets.

@krashke I just recently sort of got into it with another mom about the absolute ridiculousness of "boy mom" and "girl mom." I have seen both terms (especially on Instagram), and I do not get it at all. I cannot think of a thing I love about my son or about parenting my son that has anything to do with the fact that he has a penis. And I know a billion little kids, and I cannot generalize anything about them based on sex. They are all weird cool little people, and that's it.

ffw0617

@krashke no. 

catlady1215

@izza2 I have a similar situation, so I can relate.... annnnd it sucks, especially cause it started not long after a second loss. if this was a private group, I'd share the ridiculous details. but I'm a nervous pervous about some people finding me and it starting drama.

@rnielsen321 @sunshineandwhiskey I lived on hotdogs for about 3 weeks beginning of this pregnancy. and just finished lunch which was my left over half of a turkey hoagie from last night. rules out the window this pregnancy! lol

izza2

@NamelessAria - I mean, I don't know you personally like I know my cousin - but I feel like the difference between you and her (and why I don't judge you or feel angry about you like I can't help but judge and feel angry about her) - is that I'm assuming you have a stable household, with your own source of income, that is not dependent on your parents and your siblings to help you pay your bills and care for your son.
"Oops" pregnancies happen, and while it can hurt and anger people, I think it really hurts and angers people more-so when it's a recurring happenstance, and the people who are having the "oops" pregnancies aren't in an even remotely stable situation.

My personal feelings (and I know others don't agree with me on this, and that's okay!), are that if you aren't in a committed relationship and/or you aren't financially or mentally able to care for a child - you should be using 2 forms of contraceptives to help decrease the chances. I'm not talking double-condoms, because no. But condoms and BCPs/shot/spermicide/etc.



Also just for clarity's sake, I have been incredibly lucky to not have had a difficult journey to this pregnancy, by any means. I haven't suffered IF, and we haven't suffered loss. I don't think my OP implied that, but if anyone thought that it did, I just want to make sure that's clear.


@icecubeinthedesert - I'm the same way! Part of me is like "just tell the whole world!" and then the real me is like... don't tell anyone. I get nervous and super awkward when I've had to tell people I'm pregnant.


Oh, and re: "boy mom" -- I don't know what it's supposed to be getting at, but the phrase doesn't sit right with me. Like is it legitimately just trying to say "I have kids who have penis'"? Because "boys" don't always act like "boys", just like "girls" don't always act like "girls"...
I don't get it.

Austenista

@kfren @NamelessAria ugh! Why do people say anything but congratulations? One of DH’s cousins said the other day “well maybe this one will be a girl and then you can be done.” Well what if we just aren’t done either way? Why is the two kids thing such a big rule with people? Thanks for making me feel weird about my family planning choices. 

ramennoodlegif

@Austenista I had a lot of people say that to me when pregnant with DS. Why should anybody take issue with the sex of my child, like if it's not the opposite gender, I'll be compelled to just keep trying? As long as I am fit to care for them, why does anybody care how many kids I choose to (try to) have? I will never get why people think it's okay to shame others, especially over choices that are NONE of their business. 

=caenis=

@izza2and @Amphibious22 - on the positive side, having cousins so close in age to your LO can be a lot of fun. My SIL was 6 weeks behind me during my first pregnancy, and at first I wasn't sure I liked that very much (nothing to do with difficulty conceiving; everything to do with not loving sharing the spotlight...so even more flameworthy). Now we have boys who are just 3 weeks apart in age - and it's awesome! We love getting them together to play, leaving the 2 of them with grandma and grandpa for the weekend, etc. Cousin magic.

mytinc

Since this is one is boy #3 I've had people say "well, maybe the next one will be a girl."  Um, no.  This one is the last.  While I would have liked to have a girl, it wasn't in the cards.  I'll be 38 and DH will be 42 when this baby comes along.  We're done.  When we married, DH and I agreed we'd either have 2 or 3 kids, we didn't say that we'll try until we have at least one boy and one girl.    

mytinc

I just read the OU thread - so I'm bringing the shaving topic here.  

FFFC - I don't use shaving cream, just a cheap hair conditioner (like Suave).  I read a magazine article a long time ago that said if you were out of shaving cream use conditioner as a substitute.  I found that it softened up my hair better and I get less razor burn/ingrown hairs.  I can't shave my bikini area with anything else.

And I typically shave once a week year round.  Forget that daily shaving shit.

LaceyBee522

@kfren @NamelessAria @Austenista I'm so sorry you guys are dealing with those kinds of responses. I totally understand how you feel. I'm a FTM, but I think the twins thing really throws people for a loop and they just say the most ridiculous things. A few of the most impressive:

- Oh, no, you're so screwed. 
- You poor thing, you have no idea what you're in for.
- I didn't know you were doing IVF. (For the record, we weren't, but that's not their damn business.)
- So, you're done after this right? Right?
- Wow, you got a "twofer". 
- Two for the price of one! (Yeah right....)
- Well, if it is a boy and a girl, then you don't have to have any more! (Thanks for planning my family for me!)

Le sigh....I presume this is only the beginning. I'm expecting even more asinine/insulting responses as I begin to show/actually look like I'm carrying twins. 

ramennoodlegif

@LaceyBee522 Yikes! I'm sorry you have to listen to that stuff, too. What are people thinking when they say these kinds of things?!?!?!
At least you're actually having twins, though. When I was pregnant with #2, I had multiple people repeatedly joke "You sure there's not two in there?" to the point where I very nearly lost my ish on a regular basis. Hopefully people will be less insensitive to you in the future. 

MoonOverGoldsboro

Haha, @mytinc, we must have read the same article! I do the exact same thing, especially for the bikini area. It makes my skin feel way better than shaving cream.

LaceyBee522

@kfren I think most of them think they're being funny?? And maybe I would think it was funny if I wasn't hearing it a lot? I don't know. I'm just waiting for someone to make a "are you sure you're not having twins" joke to me and I'll get to be like, well, actually a-hole.....