How to handle visitors and unsolicited advice when baby comes

citymommar

Hi Ladies, when I had baby #1 back in June, I did not know how stressful handling visitors would be. To add, I didn't think I'd get so much unsolicited advice or comments about my baby, such as how to handle when crying, reasons why baby might be crying, diapering, feeding, bathing, baby too warm, too cold, etc. 

Here are some things that really had a negative affect on me since baby's birth:
1) having 18 visitors (all at once) at the hospital when baby was only about 8 hours old. Not only was I walking around with second degree switched up tears and IV, but my baby was being passed around like a hot potato and I couldn't work on breastfeeding.  Luckily, my baby didn't get sick and I survived and am successfully exclusively breastfeeding 6 months strong. 
2) My MIL, SIL and sister visiting and not giving my husband and me a chance to bond with our baby. My sister on day 3 told my husband she's not going to pass the baby to him because he lives with the baby.
3)My sister-in-law allowing her 4 year old hold the baby on her lap (assisted) and allowing her to hold the bottle (assisted) without my permission. FYI- the 4 year old had a cough and my baby had no vaccines. 
4) my sister constantly telling me I should give the baby formula because she would if she were me. She didn't want me to breastfeed because she wanted to bottle feed the baby. After 6 months, she finally stopped asking.

These are just a few... This introduction to motherhood made me anxious and depressed... I hate confrontation and struggled to deal with these issues headon. I'm wondering how I'll handle this the second time around and hoping to read some articles and books to help me stand up for my desires without ruffling too many feathers. 

How will you handle visitors and unsolicited advice? I was not expecting my stressors to be caused by something other than baby. Our baby was perfect and sleeping well since day 1!

lalala2004

Well, the best way to avoid visitors in the hospital is to not tell anyone you are there until you are ready for visitors. We didn’t tell anyone but my mom (who I knew would respect my wishes) and my in laws, who had an 8 hour drive.

citymommar

lalala2004 said:

Well, the best way to avoid visitors in the hospital is to not tell anyone you are there until you are ready for visitors. We didn’t tell anyone but my mom (who I knew would respect my wishes) and my in laws, who had an 8 hour drive.

Do you have sibling close by? If so, how were they handled? I have two siblings and dh have 3.

livinthesunnylife

I don't mean to be insensitive, but this is the second new thread that you've started that's really just about taking control of your life and not letting your family walk all over you?  Maybe read the Board Organization Guidelines?

msmonalisavito

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience.  Here's what I can share:

1) Unsolicited advice- this is going to happen no matter what you do or however many kids you already have.  This is my 3rd and I still get advice/opinions that I don't ask for.  Sometimes I just smile and say "oh, that's interesting." Or if I'm in a pissy mood, I tend to be harsher "this works for us, we're good."  At some point, you have to accept that it's going to happen and that you ever HAVE to follow the advice.  So smile, nod, and do whatever you were going to do anyway.

2). Visitors- this is where you have to put your foot down.  You'll have to be specific in what your wants/needs are and be prepared for people to get upset.  It's ok, they'll live.  If you have very overbearing people that won't respect your wishes, then don't tell them when you go into labor.  They can't visit if they don't know you're having the baby.  Again, this may be harsh but if they aren't willing to respect your wishes, they don't get the privilege of being there.

Just try to practice being as non-confrontational about it as you can.  "This is our decision and we feel good about it.  Thanks for your advice but we're good."  And if people keep pressing/won't let up, then it's time to be firm.

This is your time and your family's time.  It's ok to be selfish.  

kburg15

I second not letting people know. We made our plan clear that no one would be visiting us until we called. We ended up telling people when we went to the birth center, but didn't allow anyone in the room until a few hours later (first breastfeed, skin to skin, short nap for dad and baby), and then people only stayed an hour. We also had a supportive birthing staff who was really helpful. DH thought I was being too strict at first when I mentioned not wanting everyone there and at our house, etc, but it was really important to get on the same page before so that he could understand how I was feeling and support what I needed. Also, I used the excuse of "oh, baby's hungry, I'll try feeding him" to take him to the nursery while everyone else sat in the living room. Hopefully they'll see that breastfeeding is important to you the first time, so you won't get comments the second time.

lalala2004

lee143 said:

lalala2004 said:

Well, the best way to avoid visitors in the hospital is to not tell anyone you are there until you are ready for visitors. We didn’t tell anyone but my mom (who I knew would respect my wishes) and my in laws, who had an 8 hour drive.

Do you have sibling close by? If so, how were they handled? I have two siblings and dh have 3.

As I said, we just didn’t tell them. I didn’t want people in the waiting room when I was in labor. That said, they’re considerate people and would ask before visiting. We also just didn’t want people texting, calling, etc.

msmonalisavito

Also, your nurses double as bodyguards.  Inform them who is not allowed in the room
and they will be on top of it.

roadspeckle

I second using the nurses. They are used to being the “bad guys.” But really, it seems to come down to you needing to create boundaries. This is your baby. Your decisions. Tell them all to piss off.

meeks2020

I agree with @lalala2004 just don't tell people. Even if they're close by they won't be in the waiting room if they don't know you're at the hospital .  Unless they're just creepers who hang out in waiting rooms. 
Also be blunt with people. You have to just stand up to people .  Will they get mad? Maybe. But pick your battles. Also like @livinthesunnylife said- read the board organization and try not to ss everything. 

meeks2020

lee143 said:

Hi Ladies, when I had baby #1 back in June, I did not know how stressful handling visitors would be. To add, I didn't think I'd get so much unsolicited advice or comments about my baby, such as how to handle when crying, reasons why baby might be crying, diapering, feeding, bathing, baby too warm, too cold, etc. 

Here are some things that really had a negative affect on me since baby's birth:
1) having 18 visitors (all at once) at the hospital when baby was only about 8 hours old. Not only was I walking around with second degree switched up tears and IV, but my baby was being passed around like a hot potato and I couldn't work on breastfeeding.  Luckily, my baby didn't get sick and I survived and am successfully exclusively breastfeeding 6 months strong. 
2) My MIL, SIL and sister visiting and not giving my husband and me a chance to bond with our baby. My sister on day 3 told my husband she's not going to pass the baby to him because he lives with the baby.
3)My sister-in-law allowing her 4 year old hold the baby on her lap (assisted) and allowing her to hold the bottle (assisted) without my permission. FYI- the 4 year old had a cough and my baby had no vaccines. 
4) my sister constantly telling me I should give the baby formula because she would if she were me. She didn't want me to breastfeed because she wanted to bottle feed the baby. After 6 months, she finally stopped asking.

These are just a few... This introduction to motherhood made me anxious and depressed... I hate confrontation and struggled to deal with these issues headon. I'm wondering how I'll handle this the second time around and hoping to read some articles and books to help me stand up for my desires without ruffling too many feathers. 

How will you handle visitors and unsolicited advice? I was not expecting my stressors to be caused by something other than baby. Our baby was perfect and sleeping well since day 1!

Qfp

juliebird6

We firmly told our families that no one was to visit until we gave the go ahead, and even then it was only our parents, one grandma, and one of my brothers (I have three, DH has 1).  The rest of our family and friends were welcome to visit us at home but had to contact me to schedule a good day and time.  This worked well for us in triaging visitors. 

I don't really have anything to say about unwanted advice - we still get that all the time and I don't think there's anything you can do except smile, nod, and ignore.

livinthesunnylife

Thanks @meeks2020 I'm so used to a structured board my OCD is kinda feeling like running away.  But I know the good relationships we can get out of this if I stick with it.  So deep breaths lol

meeks2020

I always say I'll listen to advice, but I won't take it unless I want to. I'm good at sounding ppl out,  I've had lots of practice with my toddler  (who gave him that damn whistle anyway)

canadianmom89

I got lucky with my first, my SIL had a baby about a year before and she had vocalized how in the beginning she only wanted her family around and not her in-laws. When DH asked if would feel the same way, I said that yes I would and I knew his family may have a problem with it but that they should think of it the same as when his sister said it. I know it really bothered my MIL, especially since my mom was in the room with us until I pushed but I’m incredibly close with my parents and it’s my body so I had 100% say on who was around. 
I got a little overwhelmed in the hospital since both my SIL work there so they popped in but once we got home if I felt overwhelmed I would hide with DD in the nursery and my DH would encourage people to leave. 

spring2630

Regarding visitors, I found it easiest to manage by planning ahead of time what I/my husband were comfortable with and being direct. "Wed love to have you in from 2-5pm." This time around at the hospital I'm leaning toward no visitors though since it's going to be such an adjustment for our son. Family was respectful last time but the rotations of people left us no time to rest during the day and I don't want any distractions from making sure it's a smooth and happy introduction for our toddler (and I'm going to want to sleep while I can before coming home!).

Ive had all kinds of unsolicited advice for the last 2 years and it keeps coming. I don't think I was doing it on purpose-i was just focused on my baby and what I was doing-but I noticed I was completely ignoring the advice-givers (no acknowledgement at all) and they moved on. In my case they mean well but it's truly exhausting trying to entertain someone's opinions when you're already doing what you think is best or you're already torn between what method to follow.

princesslockness

I’m a blunt person so be warned.

Fuck what other people want. If you let them try or think that they can tell you how to do anything without your explicit asking or permission, you will never get them to step back. So you can either put your foot down and not let them argue, or just not deal with them.

For the unsolicited advise; you can stare at them blankety, you can say something like ‘thanks, but I’ll keep doing my own thin g’, or you can say something like ‘is it your kid? No? Then shut up.’

for the visitors, set a time limit. Literally set a timer and when it goes off they leave or they can’t come back. If you don’t want people to pass baby, do not let them. You literally let them walk all over you. Get a spine, and use it. It’s your kid, if you don’t set the boundaries then you will never have any.

msmonalisavito

@princesslockness

delujm0

All of our relatives are at least an 8 hour drive away, and the only ones that knew I was in labor this last time were my in laws, because they were staying with us to care for DD1 while we were at the hospital.  I didn't tell anyone where I was until DD2 was born.  It wasn't hard.  Surely you've gone a day without speaking to your siblings before?  Just ignore them.

My mother called me no less than 6 times while I was in labor with DD1 even though we didn't tell her about it until the last 6 hours.  She expected to get information constantly.  I had no time for that, so she lost her right to know when I was in labor the second time.  In fairness I was only in labor for 4 hours total, and she was also 5 days early, so no one thought to check in with me, and it was easy to go on the down low.  My in laws are very respectful and did not contact us at all.  They waited for us to call them.

It is no one's right to know what you're doing or why you're doing it. You're an adult, and a parent, you're the one in charge.  "This is what we decided to do" is enough of an explanation for anything.  If you ignore the stuff you don't want to deal with enough, eventually people will stop bothering to try to change your mind.

scottishlass1213

To the people visiting well my DS ended back in pediatrics at the hospital for a 5 night stay within a week of being born because he got a virus from probably someone who visited and ended up with a spinal tap, etc. so that plus me recovering during that stay is swaying me of visitors for #2 right away outside of probably my parents. 

Other thank that DH and I both have small families. My sister isn’t pushy and doesn’t want her own kids and our parents are both laid back and tend to not push, so I guess I am lucky. 

I however am pretty vocal on what what is it isn’t happening so they know what to expect. 

princesslockness

@msmonalisavito

citymommar

livinthesunnylife said:

I don't mean to be insensitive, but this is the second new thread that you've started that's really just about taking control of your life and not letting your family walk all over you?  Maybe read the Board Organization Guidelines?

This thread is actually about handling visitors and unsolicited advice. I think it's an important topic that I think will help a lot of new moms. I wish I would have known how to handle it before it happened to me. Let's support each other and stop mean girling. I also made the topic title general as per another posters recommendation. If it doesn't apply to you, why do you feel so compelled to waste your time replying? 

calimom2524

When I was in the hospital to deliver DS1 my husband's whole family was in the delivery room with me. I assumed they were just staying to visit and then leave. Nope, they (his sister, mom, and two cousins) were planning to be there for the delivery. I'm sorry, what? I hardly knew any of them at this time (we had only been dating a week when I got pg) and was absolutely not comfortable with it. I made DH (bf at the time) kick them out of the room and gave them permission to visit us at home after I delivered DS. Thankfully we kicked them out because a lot went down with that delivery and I ended up being in labor for 28 hours. 

With DS2 I had a planned induction due to my high risk pregnancy and we didn't tell anyone except my mom who came to visit to watch DS1 overnight and ILs because they picked up DS1 the next morning so my mom could be there for delivery of DS2. We did allow visitors in the hospital but that L&D experience was one thousand times better than my first one so I was comfortable with it.

That being said, I think you need to be extremely open and firm with your beliefs. If you aren't comfortable with certain people being there for delivery or visiting afterwards, tell them. Have DH tell them. Do something. You are the only one who can advocate for yourself and nobody will know your feelings if you don't express them. 

princesslockness

lee143 said:

livinthesunnylife said:

I don't mean to be insensitive, but this is the second new thread that you've started that's really just about taking control of your life and not letting your family walk all over you?  Maybe read the Board Organization Guidelines?

This thread is actually about handling visitors and unsolicited advice. I think it's an important topic that I think will help a lot of new moms. I wish I would have known how to handle it before it happened to me. Let's support each other and stop mean girling. I also made the topic title general as per another posters recommendation. If it doesn't apply to you, why do you feel so compelled to waste your time replying? 

She commented because this reads like an entry in a diary. You don't seem to be giving advice, asking questions, or trying to see how others did things so the FTMs can get some background or info for how to avoid tricky areas. 

roadspeckle

@lee143- is this your first BMB? i don’t believe anybody has been a bully to you (this is in response to you asking if @livinthesunnylife was a bully in another thread) and in fact you’ve been given solid advice even though you have posted a few SS threads. the point of reading the board organization thread is so that the board doesn’t get clogged full of shit. Duplicate topics are a huge problem and nobody wants to go through 17 pages of the same thing. it’s not to pick on you or single you out. It’s a way to ensure that everybody is given the chance at being involved and getting support in an organized fashion. 

lakesideknitter

lee143 said:

livinthesunnylife said:

I don't mean to be insensitive, but this is the second new thread that you've started that's really just about taking control of your life and not letting your family walk all over you?  Maybe read the Board Organization Guidelines?

This thread is actually about handling visitors and unsolicited advice. I think it's an important topic that I think will help a lot of new moms. I wish I would have known how to handle it before it happened to me. Let's support each other and stop mean girling. I also made the topic title general as per another posters recommendation. If it doesn't apply to you, why do you feel so compelled to waste your time replying? 

I know I have said this before on other threads, but it absolutely makes my blood boil when people who have yet to offer any support on loss threads accuse others (especially those who have) of not being supportive.
Almost everyone on this board will probably get flamed by someone for something at some point. Handle it like an adult.

lalala2004

@lee143 I get that you’re trying here, and I understand you probably feel ganged up on, but it feels like you only come to this community to complain about your family overstepping boundaries, which seems like something you’ve allowed them to do by avoiding confrontation. You ask for advice, but no one can give you advice other than to tell them your wishes s d set firm boundaries. Frankly, if you aren’t willing to do that, no one wants to hear your continue to complain about it. There are women on this board who have gone through hell in their journey to have a take home baby, and that’s why your seemingly self perpetuating  problem isn’t going to garner a lot of sympathy.

izmom28

Before I had my babies, I told everyone that I would let them know when I was ready for visitors. My mom can come as often as she likes as she helps. My MIL as well. Everyone else can wait. 

meeks2020

@lalala2004

pghctwife

That is an awful lot of people! You can always employ your nurses to help... in fact I'm surprised so many were allowed at once. I won't bother repeating everyone else about just speaking up... but i will say that I found myself more confident and less emotional abOut my parenting and had an easier time setting expectations with family (namely mil) as a stm+

afm I'm all VISITORS PLEEEEAAAAASE COME LOOKIT WHAT I MADEEEEE!!!! Like, the second the baby arrives. Oh and bring food. That's the ulterior motive... always FAMISHED after labor. 

vinerie

It's  so hard I firmly said I wanted only my mom there, and my MIL and her husband showed up anyways and I came home from the hospital to a house full of out-of-town guests. In retrospect, I was dealing with some ppd/ppa and I really just needed a bit of time to gather myself with my mom and husband for support, but due to my MIL insisting on being there immediately (she was invited to come after my mom left, which would have been when DS was about two weeks old) that did not happen. So I guess my advice is to do your best to set boundaries and perhaps enlist your partner for help on enforcing. Things did not end well with my MIL all up in my grill, but DH knows this time around he will have to keep her in check. I'm glad she wants to be involved, don't get me wrong, but looking back, I'm shocked at how little care was paid to me, the person dealing with physical wounds and a ton of emotions.

lunaray212

vinerie said:

It's  so hard I firmly said I wanted only my mom there, and my MIL and her husband showed up anyways and I came home from the hospital to a house full of out-of-town guests. In retrospect, I was dealing with some ppd/ppa and I really just needed a bit of time to gather myself with my mom and husband for support, but due to my MIL insisting on being there immediately (she was invited to come after my mom left, which would have been when DS was about two weeks old) that did not happen. So I guess my advice is to do your best to set boundaries and perhaps enlist your partner for help on enforcing. Things did not end well with my MIL all up in my grill, but DH knows this time around he will have to keep her in check. I'm glad she wants to be involved, don't get me wrong, but looking back, I'm shocked at how little care was paid to me, the person dealing with physical wounds and a ton of emotions.

Wow! So true! You're the center of attention while pregnant, yet when the baby is born, you're kind of secondary. I remembered how appreciative I felt when someone ask me how I was feeling. Although it was less than a handful of times, it meant a lot. We need to nurture and care for the mom as much as the baby. I might enlist the help of a doula this time around to cook post-partum meals for me. Although the frozen lasagna and take out were delicious, they didn't provide much medicinal support.

lakesideknitter

@lunaray212 100% agree! I also appreciated beyond words being told that I was doing a good job. There were a lot of things that I felt like a failure about during the first 3 months PP, and DH's cousin and my SIL both made a point of telling me I was doing great and being an awesome mom. I was shocked at how much that impacted me. I even wrote them thank you notes. Since then, I make it a point to say that to every new mom I know.

livinthesunnylife

Thanks @roadspeckle

Again, OP this is your second AW about a very similar issue (family boundaries).  Yes the board is for supporting eachother.  But I don't actually see you supporting anyone.  I see you wanting a lot of attention for your inability to manage your family relationships. 

I'm just not a rookie here in the BMB, so I'm familiar with the structure, why it exists, and how important it is to the group really forming meaningful, two-way dialogue. 

citymommar

Here are some good articles that might help this time around:
https://pregnantchicken.com/visitors-after-the-baby-10-tips/

https://www.baby-chick.com/rethinking-visitors-at-the-hospital-after-birth/

mrsbubbles-2

My friend just gave birth and I knew she didn't want visitors, so I sent the obligatory baby gift, but I also included some Mother's Milk tea for her. This is such an important topic @lee143 so glad you brought it up! We get so wrapped up in the day of the week threads, but these are the topics that really help moms... here are two articles that helped me my first time around:

https://pregnantchicken.com/visitors-after-the-baby-10-tips/

https://www.baby-chick.com/rethinking-visitors-at-the-hospital-after-birth/

I'm  so confused - I think I caught the quote before you edited - you are congratulating yourself for bringing up the topic that you brought up? Plus I think there can be merit in every thread, whether it's good new mom info or something that's just made for us to laugh. Again, I'm going to echo what PPs have already said and suggest that you take the time to get to know the women in this community.
Andplusalso you seem to be editing your posts and leaving out crucial bits of information so the subsequent conversation doesn't flow. It's general board etiquette to add an ETA along with what was edited.


ETA: the quote above is @lee143's - my quote failed

ecwk

@lee143 did you really congratulate yourself? This looks so fishy, like you have to two accounts and you posted under the wrong name or something? I need answers here! 

livinthesunnylife

Edited: my gif didn't work....grr

mrsbubbles-2

I smell an AE...

lakesideknitter

This happened on another thread with another user.. let me see if I can find it.
ETA It's on the last page of the symptoms thread. May not be related. Also, nice catch with the QFP, @mrsbubbles-2

calimom2524

ETA: gif wasn't working