Announcing pregnancy while being considerate of loss...

Claireymary

Shoot me for making my own thread, but I've seen a few other posts regarding this topic that have gotten lost in the shuffle.
Our very best friends lost their two month old at the end of May and have had a lot of turmoil in their relationship regarding trying again. I have been her confidant and shoulder to cry on and let her vent without judgement. Her sister in law is expecting and she literally excused herself to cry when they announced. 

I want to tell our dear friends before we announce our pregnancy to the world, but I want to be very considerate of their feelings. I want to avoid as much awkwardness as possible. Anyone have advice for this scenario?

stillcozy

Claireymary said:

Shoot me for making my own thread, but I've seen a few other posts regarding this topic that have gotten lost in the shuffle.
Our very best friends lost their two month old at the end of May and have had a lot of turmoil in their relationship regarding trying again. I have been her confidant and shoulder to cry on and let her vent without judgement. Her sister in law is expecting and she literally excused herself to cry when they announced. 

I want to tell our dear friends before we announce our pregnancy to the world, but I want to be very considerate of their feelings. I want to avoid as much awkwardness as possible. Anyone have advice for this scenario?

I think you could have left out the first sentence of this post You are clearly being very considerate of your friends no one here would ever have issue with that

I would say I would text her or call her based on what you think would be the most appropriate. I have had a lot of people say a text is better because they do not have to respond immediately or audibly and can take their time processing the information versus having react in real time on the phone or in person.  I would also mention that you aren't looking for any certain reaction or response but wanted to let her know before announcing lore publicly so she can have time if needed and wanted to be considerate of her feelings. 

amylu914

Ugh, what an awful loss. Does she know you were trying? 

I agree with Lindsay that a text is best, it gives her time to have her own reaction and get through it without worrying about your feelings. I would even tell her that you would normally share news like this in person but are trying to be considerate, hence the text which might seem more impersonal to someone you are so close with. 

moguippy

I am also in this boat. My SIL had two MCs in 2017 and then separated from her husband bc he cheated on her. She is in a dark place and while I know she will be happy for us, I know it will hurt too.  I don't want to text or call her bc I think that may be a little too impersonal, but I do want to tell her ahead of time so she can cry if she needs to without being in front of the whole family.  Any advice anyone has would be super helpful.

wildtot

I am sorry to hear about your friend and her loss. The only experience I can share is my own MC. The only advice I can give is one that I would appreciate but you know her best. A question first, when her sister announced was it a public announcement without prior knowledge? If that's the case I'd be sensitive this time around and do it privately or via text/call (i personally don't like phone messages for this). Let her know you want to be sensitive to her, that you would understand if she needs some time to herself to process. Don't expect immediate excitement or congratulations. Keep the conversation quick and don't force any big conversation about it unless she initiates. 

sopranoali

I for one understand the first sentence of your post . As for the post itself...If you have been her literal shoulder to cry on, I disagree that the text is best. While it would give her time to react and compose herself, it’s impersonal. I would do this face to face, but somewhere comfortable like your home or hers. I think she may react upset, but be clear that you have been thinking of her feelings and wanted to tell her the news before it got out and she found out indirectly and think you have no compassion. She will be happy for you, but this news will probably be painful for her. Just reiterate you are there for her and love her, all will be well.

mhaack92

No matter how you decide to tell her just make sure you let her know you understand it is probably hard for her to hear and give her time and space to work through her own feelings. You are being a good friend just acknowledging and validating that you get it may take a while for her to be happy for you and I’m sure she will see that. 

purplepelican

I haven't experienced a loss, but I did go through infertility. I preferred to find out via text, because it saved me the necessity of composing my face and voice. My best advice is to tell her by text but explain WHY you are telling her by text so she knows you're being considerate rather than dismissive. I did this for a friend who is still going through IF, and she told another friend that she really appreciated the way I did it. I texted her and said that I was pregnant and I wanted to tell her privately before making it public knowledge. I told her straight up that I didn't want her to think I was being dismissive of her by telling her via text and explained that I know she is happy for me but I also know that emotions are messy beasts and I wanted to give her the time and space to have all of her emotions about my news privately. My best friend was pregnant while I went through infertility, and she was literally the BEST about it. She literally never even mentioned her pregnancy to me unless I brought up the subject first and always made sure to ask me how I was doing. So my best advice is to text her but just be 100% transparent about why you are texting, then find a different friend to talk about your pregnancy with and talk with this particular friend about other things.

ETA: I had a friend announce her pregnancy in front of me publicly while I was going through infertility, and it took me an awkwardly long amount of time to say congratulations (in a voice that I was sure sounded insincere). I don't even know what my face did. And it really pained me that my friend had to see and hear that, because I didn't want her to have to see/hear my struggle. 

cseley321

I agree with a lot of the advice here. I think it comes down to the type of relationship you have and the type of person she is as to whether I would text or do it in person. My heart aches for her. I have lost pregnancies but I would fall apart if I lost a child. Speaking from my personal preference, I would want someone to text me so I wouldn't be embarrassed my my initial reaction. I am a guarded person though and do not open up to many people at all. No one other than my husband has ever seen me cry during my adult life, and I prefer to keep it that way.

Once again, you know her best and how to approach her. You already are showing that you are a great friend for being considerate to her. She may not immediately come around, but she will be happy for you nonetheless 

stillcozy

for the record I don't find a text in this situation as "impersonal" both my friend and best friend both told me they preferred to find out that way. one had a friend come over and do it in person
and she said she said it was really uncomfortable because the person was there and she felt she could not respons the way she felt right than and there because she cared about this person and did not want to hurt them.  Both said a text gave them the space and freedom to respond when they felt ready and both felt really cared about supported when I told them this way. 

we were able to then have a conversation in person later and I was still able to offer support and care throughtout that pregnancy. 

Claireymary

@amylu914 Yes, and I also had a very early miscarriage less than a week after their LO passed away. I know they will be happy for us, but I also completely understand if she needs to distance herself for the time being. She really wants to try again and her husband is still processing everything that’s happened in the last year. 

Claireymary

@moguippy Ugh I feel your pain! I’m stuck between doing it face to face or giving her the time and space to process telling her via text. I just don’t want her to be offended. I also really really don’t want them to find out from anyone else.

stillcozy

@Claireymary yeah that sounds so difficult. Even harder to be on different pages currently about it.  Sometimes even offering that to you such as if you need space or to unfollow me (if you post announcements or pregnancy updates) I completely understand. sometimes just giving her permission, not that she needs it, to do whatever she needs to for the time can be really helpful too 

Claireymary

@wildtot Thank you for your advice! Yes, her SIL announced at a big dinner and my friend did not know ahead of time. She said she felt really put on the spot and overwhelmed because it was out of left field. She then felt guilty for her reaction after the fact-which she has no need to be. 

KellyFM522

My very best friend in the whole world has had 5 rounds of IVF and 3 miscarriages, I literally would have her baby for her if that would solve the problem (she has severely low egg counts, so surrogacy isn't really a viable option). I told her face to face because that is our relationship and she knew we were trying. She is the most optimistic person and is going to start her next round in Feb. She was happy for us, but I knew it stung a little to have me say those words that she has wanted to say for so so so long. 

I need to tell my SIL ahead of time before we announce to our whole family. I will be texting her so she can process in her own time, she didnt know we had been trying.  She has been trying for almost 2 years. (But hasn't sought medical intervention yet) I'll then announce to our family the next day after telling her. We have put off telling our family because my other sister in law just had a baby, her first girl. And we don't want to take away anyone's thunder. But we are happy to keep it a secret as long as possible! 

Every situation is going to be different. But just be mindful of the person you are telling and evaluate her needs. Their feelings are their own and don't take it personally if they need some time to answer back or to be around you. Good Luck

WorkinWeezel

Everyone here has given great advice. You know your relationship with her best, so follow your heart with whether face to face, text, or phone call would be best. My SIL was the only one who knew when we struggled with secondary infertility and didnt even give me the heads up that she was pregnant before announcing it AT MY HOUSE when we had just had dinner the weekend before (during which she ordered fake drinks). It f*cking blew. Youre a good friend ♡ good luck with this and I know she will appreciate it.

SmashJam

 I lost a child last December and have a little bit of experience with how this feels-a friend and a family member both gave birth less than a month after me, plus countless pregnancy announcements-the thing that was the hardest was people distancing themselves from me/not telling me about their children or pregnancy at all to shelter me. I think if you were going to tell her in person, it can only be if you were going to do it with the expectation that she might cry (I did upon meeting my family member's baby first time) and that the entire announcement might become about her and her feelings, and not about the announcement itself. If you guys have had the kind of honest, tears all over the place relationship about her loss in the past then I would say this might be the way to go, but get ready for all the emotions!

However, the text announcement makes sense as well, I do agree that being able to process in your own time and/or respond in your own way is really nice. I don't know your friend but if you explained the reason for the text first as pp have suggested I can't imagine she would fault you. Then, next time you see each other, she can either bring it up or not based on how she has processed it.

This is just my two cents, others have also given great advice. I think both ways work!

catftm2018

I recently told my best girlfriends since high school. I knew it would be a hard conversation because one of my best friends has been struggling with infertility for about a year and a half. There was only 4 of us- myself included, I didn’t tell her before hand, she knew I was trying and it became obvious to her, when I turned down a mimosa when I first got there. I think that gave her time to digest my news. After I did tell them, we went around the room with updates. When it was her turn she’s gave us a more in-depth version of what she’s been going through, that she hasn’t shared before. We all cried and shared our support for each other. I feel like we both handled it the right way, and have since been talking more as a result of it.

I think either way that you tell her- it’s going to be hard to hear. Just make sure it’s not at a public place if it’s in person, and give her space to express her feelings and bring tissues. 

purplepelican

@WorkinWeezel That does f-ing blow. 

@SmashJam Hugs. 

moguippy

Thanks everyone this is really good advice. A little more background, SIL is the type of person who would be offended if we texted her (even if we explained that we were trying to be nice).  However, we have a close enough relationship that it is 100% ok to cry in front of each other.  We are still thinking of doing it in person, just the 3 of us, and maybe DH's other sister (his two sisters are super close) but definitely in a non public place (thanks for that advice catftm2018). She knows we have been trying for awhile.  We are fully prepared for tears and this being about her, because life is hard and she shouldn't have to fake it.

Edited bc TB cut me off

paytonpedro

I have a friend who has been ttc for 3 years and asked this exact question in another group I’m in. (I may have asked it here also). The best advice I got was to text and say something like, “I just wanted to let you know before everyone else that we’re expecting.” A text was recommended because then they can cry or whatever and not have to hold it in or act a certain way. I did end up texting my friend and it went better than I thought it would, I basically got myself all worked up over nothing. 
Prayers for your friend- I couldn’t imagine going through her situation! And good luck to you, while your friend might be sad for herself for a moment I’m sure she will ultimately be happy for you!

amylu914

Holy moly @WorkinWeezel that is awful. Perfect example of what NOT to do. 

bb0710

Being on the other side of this news before I can say that I appreciated my cousin telling me in person or at least a phone call. I think a text message is too impersonal for a close family member or friend. It's  never that those grieving aren't and can't be happy for others.  

chaser61

The first sentence made me chuckle. Good post. I am ready to tell a friend who has been going through infertility for three years. I know she will be happy but then really sad for herself. It is how I always felt when people would announce after my MCs. You hate to make anyone sad but I think I will get it over with in a text because she is not local.

Claireymary

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and advice. I bit the bullet and it went better than expected (huge sigh of relief). She even said herself she didn't want it to change anything in our relationship, which was relieving to hear. She also just found out her ex (and father of her older two children) is expecting with his on again off again girlfriend which really rubbed salt in the wound. Sending many good thoughts to all of you and your friends who have had similar losses or infertility, much love! 

cseley321

@Claireymary I am glad the conversation went well. Praying things start looking up for her though. What an awful time for her

foxbaby2016

May I piggy back on this post? I'm also conflicted due to a loss.

My cousin passed away in a terrible car accident the day after Thanksgiving, leaving behind her 3 year old son and her husband. Both her son and husband were injured pretty badly and are still recovering. My cousin that passed away was pregnant and was due on the same day I am. I haven't announced my pregnancy yet to anyone other than my immediate family because of this. I am still mourning her loss and feel a lot of guilt for some reason. It feels almost insensitive to announce publicly. Any advice?

acunamatada

@foxbaby2016 oh gosh I’m so sorry for your loss. Survivors guilt is a completely normal feeling, I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for your family. I can understand how it might feel insensitive to announce with it being so recent and given the pregnancy lost. But I also think of it as a way to celebrate life.
I say announce when you feel comfortable doing so. Don’t do it because you feel obligated to, but also don’t cheat yourself out of feeing happy for your pregnancy, because I’m sure your cousin wouldn’t want that for you either. 
ETF words

cseley321

@foxbaby2016 so sorry about your cousin and her family. I think a lot of the same advice applies, but it depends on the closeness between you and her family. Personally I am not super close to my cousin's husband. He probably wouldn't care one way or another if I were pregnant when he is so focused on holding it all together.

I just feel like men are wired a little differently than women when it comes to this type of thing.

Also for the due date, at first I would just say "due in July 2018" and not use the actual date uet, until things are closer anyway. That may just be my over sensitive side speaking, but I wouldn't want to totally reopen wounds so soon

KellyFM522

@foxbaby2016 I am so, so sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to quietly announce to your family that you are expecting. Maybe telling family members individually would help. I hope your family can find some healing

stillcozy

@foxbaby2016 I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. I agree with the others about individually talking to family members if you there some you havent told, but announcing when you are comfortable. The reality is the situation with your cousin is very tragic and sad but it is still important to honor and celebratethe new life you are bringing forth as well. we have never put our actual due date on announcements just because it is so rare to be born that exact day so just saying July 2018 as mentioned above could be a more gentle way of putting things. hang in there mama

foxbaby2016

Thank you all so much for your advice. I've been struggling and you've helped to give me some much needed clarity!

hayhay93

I made the mistake of letting a friend know early on and she had just had an abortion about two months before that she was regretting very much. I didn’t mean to tell her, but she specifically asked if I had been taking birth control. She still has a hard time talking to me and I wish I would have had this thread to look at then. I will have to keep all of this in mind for the future. 

celainev

My best friend in college and I were pregnant with almost the same due dates with our firsts. We both had healthy babies. She got pregnant before I did with her second, and lost her baby in her 5th month of pregnancy. So when I found I was pregnant shortly after the loss I didn’t tell her early, like we both did with our other pregnancies. I waited til I was going to announce to everyone, and then I sent her our pregnancy announcement Christmas card along with a separate card acknowledging her lost daughter. She is the type of person that grieves openly, so I knew this would be an okay way to tell her our news. She was happy for us and so happy that I acknowledged her daughter because she finds that too many times people avoid the subject. Just sharing in case this helps someone.