How to announce when family won't be happy

merbear32

So I'm about 8 weeks pregnant with my second.  I'm thrilled! I'm 35 years old and always wanted more than one child. My parents feel we should only have one child.  My mother has been VERY vocal.  I joked in October that we might think about ttc and she freaked!  She feels that we don't have the resources to be "truly good" parents to more than one child.  I don't drive but my daughter wants for nothing. She goes to Mommy and me type programming 3-4 times a week via bus.  My mother feels that my not driving makes it "unfair" to get have another child.  My parents live 12 hours away so I can hide this for a while but know I must tell them before due date.  I want to do a happy dance but instead we haven't even told close friends in fear it will get back to parents.

lalala2004

How about “We’re having another baby, so mind your own damn business!” They obviously aren’t going to take it well, I’m sorry you’re have to put up with that BS. Having a drivers license is definitely not required to have children, geez. My grandmother didn’t get a driver’s license until she was in her late 30s and her kids were preteens. 

msmonalisavito

Perhaps you should inform your mom that her lack of emotional support and her views on your ability to be a good parent is taking away from her own resources to be a truly good parent to you.

But seriously, I'm sorry she's made you feel hesitant to share your happy news.  I think, in this case, since you're prepared for her reaction, just go into it knowing how she may feel but try not to let it take away from your own happiness.  This is your little family now and that's what's most important.  If your mom can't be happy for you, then you can keep riding the happy train and she can stay at the station.  

neeraja_k

I'm sorry you have to deal with that, when all you want is to be happy.

Your mom is entitled to her unpopular opinions, and I'm sure they're born out of some twisted motherly logic. But you are also fully entitled to tell her how it makes you feel, or to tell her to stick it where the sun don't shine.

If you personally feel like you're financially able to take care of another little one, then that's all that matters. Lots of people don't have cars and function just fine with public transportation. If it works for you, then she can go pound sand, or buy you a car if that's so important. 

I also have longstanding "mommy issues" and I'm hoping to get away with not having to tell her for a good long while. But I don't think I'm going to be so lucky, given we only live a few miles away from each other and I can only hide for so long. 

kindbytealikat

Shoot i'd just let her find out through the grape vine then. If she's going to be rotten about it she doesn't deserve to be told personally IMO. 

merbear32

kindbytealikat said:

Shoot i'd just let her find out through the grape vine then. If she's going to be rotten about it she doesn't deserve to be told personally IMO. 

That would bring WWIII!

princesslockness

Why would that be WWIII? It’s a simple explanation. ‘Not your family or body, not your choice. Since you vehemently expressed your distaste for the THOUGHT of another grandkid, you lost the privilege of knowing first and maybe even actually knowing the kid.’

merbear32

Because then she would be mad AND insulted.

lngcdr2009

merbear32 said:

Because then she would be mad AND insulted.

Then you have two choices.  You can either bite the bullet and tell her. If she says anything you can tell her that you are aware of her concern, however you and your DH made this decision together.  And since you neither live with her or are financially reliant on her (I am guessing) then it’s not her place to make these life choices for you. 

Or or you can avoid telling her for as long as possible but eventually she is gong to find out. So you will have to have the conversation on way or the other since you are not wanting her to find out through others. 

neeraja_k

Something I have been coming to terms with, with my own relationship with my mom, is that it's my life now. If she's upset with something I did, that's on her. It's my job to do what I want how I see fit, and as long as I'm good with it, then her opinion is her opinion, and you don't have to be beholden to it.

Trust me, I know how hard it is, and how agonizing the guilt trips are. But personally it's been liberating to finally stand on my own two feet and set boundaries and impose "punishment" for crossing the boundaries after a polite reminder. Your mom will be mad, and she will play little mind games, but stand strong and keep your head up.

I expect battle royale when I inform my mom that she will not be smoking around my child like she did with me...so she's either quitting for good, or she's visiting at my home. I'm sure it'll go over well. :P

melprop

How is your dad’s opinion in all this? I’ve learned over the past 7 years that my mom is the overly dramatic, hard to please, and easily hurt/ticked off one, and my dad is the more level-headed grandparent. As such, he often sees things my way and will now go to bat for me against my mom. 

citymommar

I'm wondering if your mom provides any financial support for you and your family. If not, it's truly not her business and it's unfortunate for your second baby to have his grandmother feel that way instead of welcoming him/her with open arms. I don't drive, but I do a lot more than women that do drive! Maybe you can tell her via writing? That way, you can write how you feel without interruptions and give your reasons why two babies is what you want. Good Luck!!!!! 

merbear32

My parents do not regularly help us pay bills but have helped with my daughters medical bills. My daughter is now healthy(Glory to G-d).  I'm thinking about emailing them and then asking one of sisters to talk her down.

msmonalisavito

merbear32 said:

Because then she would be mad AND insulted.

I hope I don't offend you with what I'm going to say but you keep mentioning how she's going to feel.  Have you ever stopped to wonder why you are so invested in keeping her happy when she hasn't shown any concern for how she makes YOU feel?

Yes, she's your mom but you are also an adult. You are not responsible for her happiness or her feelings.  That's on her.  If she gets mad, oh well.  She doesn't seem to mind hurting your feelings.  Obviously, I'm not saying to frivolously be mean or inconsiderate but I wouldn't waste too much time worrying about her reactions.  

onechoctawgirl

OP, I recommend checking out JNMIL on reddit. Might be therapeutic. Lot’s of sympathetic ears and good advice from others will troublesome parents (though others here are spot on anyway. Still you might like it)

princesslockness

Vivandiere8 said:

OP, I recommend checking out JNMIL on reddit. Might be therapeutic. Lot’s of sympathetic ears and good advice from others will troublesome parents (though others here are spot on anyway. Still you might like it)

I love lurking that sub!!

knottie039d82dacfc2c6e5

My mother-in-law said the same thing to me when we told her! I don’t drive because my anxiety gets me very nervous in a vehicle, making me a pretty hesitant, overwhelmed, and therefore bad driver. I always feel like the less bad drivers on the road, the better, but that’s one thing that’s always deeply bothered her. 

We took her her out to dinner and told her, and DH and I just kind of nodded while she talked about that before we guided the conversation into more fun things. For our situation, I find it’s better to not really respond to those kind of things. She’s not being helpful, she’s just telling you you’re wrong and need to do it x way. Like I’m sure you have done, I’ve told her before multiple times why I don’t want to drive. I’m not really interested in running through the bullet points again, you know?

I’ve learned with my (very critical) MIL, it’s better to choose what you argue over, and this one seemed like one we weren’t going to see eye to eye on. I know not driving means you have to find alternative ways around (taxis, public transit, etc.), but if you can make it work, what’s the issue? 

Good luck to you. Everyone’s got different situations, and I hope you can find something that works for you!

knottie039d82dacfc2c6e5

Hmmm testing, my username didn’t show up when I posted? 

knottie039d82dacfc2c6e5

What the heck

kindbytealikat

knottie039d82dacfc2c6e5 said:

What the heck

I accidentally hit report instead of quote but backed out so don’t think it took. If so sorry was an accident. What I was going to say is a lot of times you have to log out at the knot and log back in for the change to take