Mother-in-Law Boundaries and How to Set Them

knottie76f8723edcf2cd4c

My husband and I are expecting a baby girl in March. Throughout my pregnancy my mother in law has consistently said that she thinks we are having a boy. She is known to favor boys in her family and tends to criticize the girl grandchildren more. I'm having some anxiety concerning her involvement with our new baby. I want her to get to know her grandchild but it's almost like she is in competition with my parents about how excited she is about our baby. First, when we told her we were having a baby girl, she kept repeating over and over again "Well, y'all will just have to try harder next time..." meaning for a boy. It really hurt my feelings. Another time, I mentioned that my parents were extra excited because this is their first grandchild, to which she responded (and consistently does so when my parents are brought up) "I am just as excited as if this is my first because Elijah (my husband) doesn't have any children yet and this is his first, so I'm just as excited as they are." She already has three grandchildren from her own daughter (2 girls and a boy). She was largely absent from them because she moved across the state to live with a boyfriend. My husband feels this need to take care of her constantly and on more than one occasion she has mentioned living with us and "paying a little rent to have a garage apartment" when we move this summer to a city about an hour and a half from her. I keep trying to keep my anxiety at bay about the whole situation because I don't want to borrow trouble when she has been known to consistently talk about things like this and that's all that it is...talk. But the closer the due date gets, the more nervous I get that she is going to negate all of my ideas about parenting and try to compete with my parents about seeing the baby. How can we set boundaries with her before the baby arrives? 

Note: We currently live about 5 hours away, but just got a new job offer to move a major city in our home state that is between our parents houses. 

crossfitbabybump

Hi there! Just a few things:

1. Please change your name from KNOTTIE so we can easily tag you and get to know you.
2. Introduce yourself here: https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12711658/introductions-2-0#latest
3. One off AW threads like this are usually frowned upon so lurk and get to know the community.
4. Get used to the MIL drama - from personal experience it comes with the territory I guess.

irohspupil

I’m lurking, but I saw this and sympathized. 

There’s no reason to just become a doormat and “get used to it” when it sounds like she’s pushing herself to move in with you. That’s bullshit. This is your family and your life, not hers. 
You are not necessarily the person to solve this; your husband is. Where is he in all this? Does he want her to move in? Communicate with your SO about your anxiety with her assuming she can wrestle her way into living with you. As far as her shitty comments, I wouldn’t argue with her. Just move on to another topic. If she keeps going on about how girls aren’t as good as boys, stop talking to her about babies. Don’t respond to her negativity. 

Also, please check out the sub Reddits r/JUSTNOMIL and r/relationships. There’s lots of good advice to be had. 

irohspupil

Also, you set boundaries with your SO as a unit. He needs to have your back in all of this. 

sarabeth5678

@knottie76f8723edcf2cd4c

I've been having similar issues with mine. She wants me to move in with her when the baby is born for the first month. It's part of her culture to really move in with us and help out, but we live in a 1-bedroom so that would be impossible. She continues to bring it up and I'm super anxious about boundaries. She also wants my parents to stay with her when they visit, which is so hospitable and kind, but long story short -it would be a nightmare logistically and emotionally.

My husband is taking care of the conversations and I recommend you take that tactic as well. We are still tiptoeing around the subjects, but he will be officially turning her down (gently) in the coming weeks. I think the key is to prioritize her involvement and say what she CAN do in terms of help and participation. 

Good luck!