HELP! Need advice dealing with an overbearing mother-in-law and sister-in-law

jhart297

hey community, first time mom here so I need some opinions on how to deal with my bfs overbearing mother and sister! I had a feeling from the beginning that things may be trouble when the 2 of them completely decided to take over the baby shower, it was a very beautiful shower, so I don't want to seem ungrateful, but they never even asked my mom to help. I'm my mom's only daughter and this is her first grandbaby, she was very hurt that she was not included in the shower and I cannot blame her I would have been pissed if that happened to me! So, despite this early incident I stayed extremely optimistic, but there is no light at the end of the tunnel. 

The day we came home from the hospital, his mom, stepdad, sister, brother-in-law and his 2 nephews were at our house not even 10 minutes after we got home. Like, I just gave birth! Our cat had not even met the little babe yet! Every time mil would come, she would bring gifts (again, not ungrateful) that we 1) already had, or 2) clothes that we really didn't need. She never asked how I felt, what I needed etc. I'm not an "it's all about me" girl, but I did just birth your granddaughter... instead, she comes over and speaks to my bf in Spanish the whole time and I have no idea what's being said. 

Christmas eve just really floored me tho, bringing me to ask for advice. Every year we go to his family's side home for (an adult) Christmas party. We were out until 12:30am, which I was already unhappy about, but bf said that we can make this exception, whatever. But the little babe was overtired when we arrived at 9pm and I had just walked in and was going to put her in the body carrier so she could fall asleep when my mil goes "vente", like give me her and begun basically showing her off, but my little cranky babe was not having it so I was given her right back. Then when we were getting ready to leave, bf's sister had her, she thought I was going to nurse her, but when i said we were leaving she's like "oh, I'll bring her upstairs!". Who tf snatches your own child out of your hands as soon as you walk in and who refuses to give her back?! 

I'm really getting sick of this. I feel like I get zero consideration as the mother. Any one have any advice or suggestions on how to deal? I already have loosely brought it up to my bf and he just defended his family. I'm getting less and less excited to see his family and I've always enjoyed them and spending time with them. HELP!

smitch588

Ugh, it's frustrating that BF can't see your side of things. Sometimes we get so used to our family's behavior we have trouble seeing their flaws and how they might affect other people. I would try talking to him about it again in a more direct way. That you love his family and have always enjoyed spending time with them, but that you feel like they're overstepping some boundaries and walking over you. It seems like they're coming from a good place, but that they're just going overboard and not seeing how they're making you feel. Do you think you could talk to them about it instead of BF? are you closer with one of them?

varimama

No is not a bad word. I had to learn that the hard way early on with my son. I had terrible anxiety visiting people. Once I started saying no and putting his and my needs in front of other people’s wants it got a lot better. They get used to it. They might not even realize it made you uncomfortable if you didn’t say so. Also if you don’t want people holding your baby always put them in the carrier before you see the people. A little harder in the winter but totally doable and worth it! 

Also your bf should be your #1 defense against his family. Talk to him again and maybe try counseling if just talking doesn’t work. He needs to realize that you and the baby are #1 in his life and his parents and sister are not. It’s reassuring to me to know that DH will always defend me against his family. If I have a problem he’s the one who smooths it out with them while always taking my side. 

lovesclimbing

jhart297 said:

hey community, first time mom here so I need some opinions on how to deal with my bfs overbearing mother and sister! I had a feeling from the beginning that things may be trouble when the 2 of them completely decided to take over the baby shower, it was a very beautiful shower, so I don't want to seem ungrateful, but they never even asked my mom to help. I'm my mom's only daughter and this is her first grandbaby, she was very hurt that she was not included in the shower and I cannot blame her I would have been pissed if that happened to me! So, despite this early incident I stayed extremely optimistic, but there is no light at the end of the tunnel. 

The day we came home from the hospital, his mom, stepdad, sister, brother-in-law and his 2 nephews were at our house not even 10 minutes after we got home. Like, I just gave birth! Our cat had not even met the little babe yet! Every time mil would come, she would bring gifts (again, not ungrateful) that we 1) already had, or 2) clothes that we really didn't need. She never asked how I felt, what I needed etc. I'm not an "it's all about me" girl, but I did just birth your granddaughter... instead, she comes over and speaks to my bf in Spanish the whole time and I have no idea what's being said. 

Christmas eve just really floored me tho, bringing me to ask for advice. Every year we go to his family's side home for (an adult) Christmas party. We were out until 12:30am, which I was already unhappy about, but bf said that we can make this exception, whatever. But the little babe was overtired when we arrived at 9pm and I had just walked in and was going to put her in the body carrier so she could fall asleep when my mil goes "vente", like give me her and begun basically showing her off, but my little cranky babe was not having it so I was given her right back. Then when we were getting ready to leave, bf's sister had her, she thought I was going to nurse her, but when i said we were leaving she's like "oh, I'll bring her upstairs!". Who tf snatches your own child out of your hands as soon as you walk in and who refuses to give her back?! 

I'm really getting sick of this. I feel like I get zero consideration as the mother. Any one have any advice or suggestions on how to deal? I already have loosely brought it up to my bf and he just defended his family. I'm getting less and less excited to see his family and I've always enjoyed them and spending time with them. HELP!

Baby shower - this is no big deal at all. First off, you shouldn't be involved at all. So if they decided to throw a shower and you accepted, it's their business who they invite and what they do at it. If your mom wanted to help, she should have contacted your MiL and SIL and offered, and then they would be free to accept or decline help. Your mom was free to plan another shower for you with a separate guestlist if she wanted to be involved in one. 

Post birth - this is on your boyfriend. He should have informed them before the birth what your wishes were. Both of our families were out of town, but they still knew well beforehand that we'd have a couple days just us before having people over. And neither of our siblings who were around came over until we wanted them to. 

Gifts - many people don't ask beforehand about gifts and such. Some people go off registries, but some people are not fans of them. Some people even find registries or telling what gifts you want to be quite rude. Clothes can be easily resold. Try to return the gifts or have your boyfriend tell her you already have x, y or z and ask if she wants to return it and get something else. 

Christmas Eve: Pretty much this whole thing can be summed up in "use your words."

Out late - you and your boyfriend should have come to an agreement on this. That's on you for not bringing it up and coming to something you both could agree on.

Mil taking baby - What was stopping you from saying, "I'm sorry, she's overtired, and I'm going to try to get her to sleep right now" or letting her hold the baby for a few minutes and then taking her and saying, "she needs sleep now"? I've done that many, many times! 

Showing her off - both my Mil and mom do this. No big deal. Of course, they're happy to see her and want to show people they're grand baby!

SIL - I don't get the whole, "I'll take her upstairs thing." So she was going to "take her upstairs" and keep her? Oh brother. My mom and MiL say stuff like this. They're joking. 

Honestly, a lot of this sounds like you don't like them and so every little tiny thing gets on your nerves and blown out of proportion. 

How to deal? I'd loosen up and stop taking offense at things. Also, speak up!

MandyMost

Boundaries boundaries boundaries! Start setting them. Also, I suggest you repeat to yourself "I cannot control anyone else's actions. I can only control my own actions (and reactions)". 

You have issues with your BF even more than your in-laws in my perspective. He allowed his family to come over right after the baby was born and you didn't want them there. Use your words and set some boundaries. Did you tell your BF you didn't want any visitors? What did he say? If they just showed up announced, he could have asked them to leave. You could have stayed in bed with the baby and said "I'm not up for visitors, and i'm not comfortable with anyone holding the newborn yet". And he's the one who suggested you go out late on Christmas Eve...If you don't want to go out late with the baby, don't. Just say no. You two need to get on the same page. 

When you get presents, if they're too big/unnecessary for your space, or you don't need any more clothes, you can say "thank you so much for thinking of us. Unfortunately we don't have room for this, but I'm happy to pass it on to someone in need". Or just accept it gracefully and pass it on without telling them. 

When your in-laws ask/demand to hold the baby, feel free to say no. No is a perfectly valid word. It can usually help to say "No, the baby needs XYZ right now, but I promise you'll be able to hold him before we leave". Repeat as necessary. 

And finally, what type of "consideration as the mother" are you looking for? You are responsible for the baby's wellbeing, and it's up to you to stand up and ensure that happens, and say no when necessary. They have no responsibility to treat you any different, or respect you more, because you're the mother of their new grandchild/nephew, etc. It's natural as the new mom to think of the baby as an extension of themselves, but they're not thinking of the baby as anything other than THEIR grandchild/nephew and you are just the gatekeeper to their access. It would be helpful for you to accept this view of theirs, and take the opportunity to actually be that gatekeeper--don't give them access until your're ready.