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Twatwaffle (TW) Tuesday

dimeadozendimeadozen member
in July 2018 Moms
Let's hear it ladies! I'm sure some of us are going back to work for the first day since the holidays so I'm sure there will be plenty of chaos!
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Re: Twatwaffle (TW) Tuesday

  • wildtotwildtot member
    edited December 2017
    My in laws who are in town till tomorrow. DH is super upset at how they have been acting during their visit (and i agree with him). I get it’s a vacation for them but they don’t spend the time to play with DS very often and the amount of 12 packs and liquor they’ve drank is disturbing. So we left them at home today so we can do our own thing with DS. 
    Edited because words 
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  • acunamatadaacunamatada member
    edited December 2017
    @wildtot I'm glad your DH agrees with you- I hope the day goes by quickly! 

    @hayhay93 so sorry you're going through that, feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk. Know there's no shame in doing this on your own! I was raised by a single mother and am 100x the woman I would have been otherwise- you are enough. And what's best for you is usually what's best for baby-especially while you're pregnant. Thinking of you! 
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  • wildtotwildtot member
    @hayhay93 positive thoughts going your way! I’ve been in toxic relationships but i can’t imagine the added stress of being pregnant. Your a strong woman and you gotta do what’s best for you and baby. 
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  • dimeadozendimeadozen member

    @wildtot I hate that the trip hasn't improved at all for you :( I imagine that is such a difficult situation for you to be in. Have you addressed the problems with them before?

    @hayhay93 never feel selfish or anything bad by sharing. As acuna said, feel free to message me, we're all here to support each other! I grew up jumping between step parents that aren't good for each other, which was more dangerous than being raised by a single parent (in my opinion) I hope our advice can give you some comfort. Hoping for the best <3

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  • 4deep4deep member
    @hayhay93 I’m really sorry you’re going through this right now. I wish I had some words of wisdom to offer you, but I don’t know enough about your situation. I do know if he is being awful to you, your instinct is probably right to separate, at least temporarily, to gain a clear perspective on what’s best for you and the baby. I hope that after you get home, you’re able to sort things out and make some positive changes. We’re here for support. 
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  • morethanamamamorethanamama member
    @wildtot I'm so sorry, that sounds like a total nightmare:(

    @hayhay93, like some of the ladies say, we are here to support. I don't know much about your situation and I don't want to sound cliche but now more than ever it is time to focus on yourself and your sanity which means the baby's health and sanity as well. You can do it on your own if that's ultimately your decision. Perhaps a separation could be something to consider to get some perspective first. Hugs to you and the babe!

    @gspmom21 you called it...my TW= work. Why am I here? I don't want to complain too much because I'm home...but there's really not a lot to do and I'm not motivated to get end of year stuff done (which would literally take me 2 hours, but...lazy). At least DH is home all week and is entertaining me and making me food, lol.
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  • wildtotwildtot member
    @gspmom21 I’m letting DH handle it for now since their relationship is different than what i have with my parents. I just keep reminding him i agree and support him. I was in the shower when things flared up, i guess my in laws left DS in his own in the living so they can get ready to smoke. And the my SFIL was lecturing DH how to treat his mother. DH hates that since he’s not his dad. He said that before we left to the store he told them how he felt so we’ll see how the afternoon goes. 
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  • amylu914amylu914 member
    I don't have a TW today (yet) but just want to offer hugs and support @hayhay93 I'm sure it's hard just to write those words. We are all here for you. 
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  • cseley321cseley321 member
    Kind of irked at my sister. As I've mentioned 200x, I just got off bedrest a few days before Christmas and have had serious fatigue due to not moving for almost 3 weeks. I normally do the large christmas eve party, and allthoughI did have help from my mom watching my kid while I cooked all day, I was BEAT by the end of it. 

    The next day she does a christmas lunch where all the family gets together. My kid was still playing with toys, i was fatigued, and my husband was taking a nap (he was up all night from heartburn since he ran out of medicine). And all 3 of us are still sick from colds. I texted her to say we were probably just going to skip out and she threw a fit saying I needed to put my foot down and get everyone out the door since she just spent 6 hours cooking.

    Sorry, but there is a big difference when you are childless, single and have to spend time cooking as opposed to having a house full of overly dependent people as well as being freshly off bedrest and 1st tri pregnant.

    Anyway, I went over anyway (she lives an hour away btw), and ate her dried out turkey to keep the peace. Still kind of pissed that she threw a fit to guilt me into going when she knows what I have been going through.
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  • hayhay93hayhay93 member
    @acunamatada @wildtot @4deep  @gspmom21 @amylu914 @kissableviv

    Thank you all so much for the support and kind words. It’s so hard to even think about leaving because I know he would be a good dad but he is and has been a crappy SO for awhile already, it’s not that it’s always bad, he acts like nothing happens after terrible fights and I just try to enjoy the moments that he is nice. I don’t want him to not be involved in his child’s life but I know that the moment I walk out the door I risk him shutting me out completely and never talking to me again because that’s just the kind of person he is. Just for a little insight: I love him so much and really wanted it to work out, but he refuses to get therapy for his anger problems and continues to verbally abuse me daily. Last night he grabbed me by the back of my shirt and pulled me back when I walked away from him and got right up in my face to yell at me. That’s not the first time he’s done that and I know it won’t be the last. Sometimes at night when he’s angry, all I can do is lie there and worry that he is going to hurt me when I fall asleep. 
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  • hayhay93hayhay93 member
    edited December 2017
    The sad thing is, I keep telling myself it’s not physical abuse because he’s not slapping, punching, or pushing, but he has slapped me in the face before and played it off as a joke. He is rough with me all the time and says he’s playing around. I think it’s just his aggression coming out and he tries to brush it off. His excuse for grabbing me and shaking me when we fight is “I’m just trying to calm you down”. I don’t have anyone here in New Mexico to stay with but my mom offered for me to come back to California and stay with her. My biggest concerns are my doctors are here and since I’m high-risk I’m afraid to leave. My mom offered to move here with my little sister but probably couldn’t come in January and I don’t want my sister to be pulled out of school. I just feel so lost as to where to go and what to do. I’ve tried to leave about 3 times this year. The last time I found out I was pregnant and he cried and cried and begged me not to go. Said he’d get help and then the next week went off on me in front of our friends, calling me names. I thought about a homeless shelter just to escape him once and for all but my mom said no. She said she will pay for me to come back to California before that happens. I just don’t know if I should leave my doctors. 

    Edit to say: Seriously thank you all for the information and help. I have been in denial for a year. It’s so hard because I love his family and they have accepted me as their own and it has been hard for me to make the decision to leave. Now with the baby, I feel like it’s unacceptable to keep putting up with his crap. The baby needs a stable environment. I’m not perfect by any means, but I know now that I don’t deserve the things he says and does. 
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  • wildtotwildtot member
    @hayhay93 oh girl i am so sorry. DH and i had some instances where divorce was seriously on my mind. He would grab me and would corner me and yell. It’s verbal abuse - no matter how it’s coming out it’s abuse and is harmful mentally and emotionally. My ultimatum was couples therapy or divorce. Glad he sucked in his pride and went for therapy. There is no shame in how you go about it as long as it results in you and baby being safe and healthy. Feel free to PM as well. Prayers and thoughts going to you.
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  • cseley321cseley321 member
    @hayhay93 don't take this as me being mean, but the doctor thing sounds like you are making excuses not to leave your comfort zone. You are not the first or last high risk pregnancy out there and if you need a specialist,  your doctor could refer you. If he is abusive, get out now before it gets much harder after the baby.
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  • wildtotwildtot member
    @hayhay93 also if you go back to Cali (if orange county area) i can refer you to my old doc who’s awesome and took care of me as high risk 
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  • hayhay93hayhay93 member
    Thank you! I’d be in the Fresno area, about 45 minutes away, but willing to travel to Fresno if it’s better. That’s a good point. His family I’m sure would still want to be a part of everything. @kissableviv
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  • stillcozystillcozy member
    As far as high risk dr's go I know California has abbundance of them. also think about every time he is "playful" that aggression puts an already high risk pregnancy even more at risk.  Leaving could be thr best thing you ever do for him and could be a wake up call. My best friend finally just left her emotionally abusive spouse. She tells me every day how she wishes she had left so much sooner.  Please don't delay watching her have children and pregnancies has been so hard and she finally feels free and so much better now. He never hit her but the manipulation and emotional abuse is just as awful.
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  • acunamatadaacunamatada member
    edited December 2017
    @hayhay93 that's great that your mother offered to help, it sounds like you'd have a great support system when you move back to California. I know you're worried about being high risk, but I would imagine it would only get harder to make the move once baby gets bigger and you are set in the practice. Plus the bigger the baby is, the more he/she would be affected by the abuse. 
    Abuse is abuse, and it sounds like it is getting worse. I would hate to see something bad happen to you or the baby.  
    Like @kissableviv said- making a move like this doesn't mean him and his family can't be involved with the baby in the future. It's in both of your best interests for you to make the move as soon as you can and as safely as you can- I wouldn't so much as hint to him that you are thinking about this in case he tries to change your mind or worse. 
    ETA TB cut me off. 
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  • hayhay93hayhay93 member
    @Crystal321 I don’t take it as being mean. I don’t feel like it’s an excuse because I genuinely just felt like I shouldn’t leave because of my doctor’s and transferring insurance, but I do see where you’re coming from. I think that now with encouragement, I’m feeling more comfortable with making the decision to go despite changing doctor’s offices. 

    @wildtot And therapy helped? That’s what I have held hope for is that something would change. He started medication for mood stabilizing but he won’t take it properly. I mean, he can really be so fun and nice and does really thoughtful things for people all the time. I think therapy would be so beneficial, but I also see that he has a wall up and doesn’t want to change and I can’t stay and watch that happen. Luckily we aren’t married, which is something we both wanted, but as the months have gone by I’ve realized that it would be terrible to end up stuck in a marriage where he wouldn’t change. I hope he gets help when I leave and I hope he can still be a part of our lives. I’m so glad things worked for you and your husband. 

    @lindsayleigh1989  I think I’ll feel the same. Thank you for sharing that about your friend. It helps to hear of other strong women that have left and feel better after. I have stayed out of fear of regretting missing out on what could have been. 

    @acunamatada
    I think you and everyone else is right. It’s better to leave sooner than later. I’m thinking of leaving after my next appointment on the 9th and hoping that I can keep the peace until then. 
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  • ashbub714ashbub714 member
    @hayhay93 I’m so sorry you have to deal with this and make this decision right now. But as everyone else has said it’s better to have reached this conclusion now and get away before the baby is born. Verbal abuse is abuse and can escalate. If he won’t get help you have no choice but to protect yourself and your child. Sending lots of love your way.
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  • hayhay93hayhay93 member
    Thank you very much. It means so much to me to have love and good thoughts sent my way. It’s honestly embarrassing to be going through this. I am glad I have been able to share with everyone and have the support of other women, but I so wish I didn’t need to. I hope that nobody thinks differently of me going forward when I post on the boards. I never would have shared if I wasn’t feeling so conflicted, but I finally feel like I realize the severity of the situation because I posted, and I’m super grateful for that. I really like being a part of this group. @ashbub714

    Sorry to everyone that I kind of took over Twatwaffle Tuesday!!! 
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  • devilcat139devilcat139 member
    @hayhay93 feel like everything that should be said has been said eloquently by these ladies but wanted to add my positive thoughts to you as you make some short-term tough but long-term hugely beneficial choices. Please keep us updated
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  • wildtotwildtot member
    @hayhay93 it’s been a work in progress but it has helped. He has been holding on to a lot of personal stuff from before we met that affects how he reacts today and I’m learning that. He is having to learn about my past struggles too. So we are learning to talk, understand and cope. A lot flared up after DSs birth. I’ve always done therapy on my own but it was nice for him to get a reality check that we need to go together at least. We will never be perfect but we are getting better. We still have our big arguments but not as intense as before. It’s harder for men to admit when they need help. 

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  • hayhay93hayhay93 member
    @devilcat139 Thank you for the positive thoughts. I will keep everyone updated. 

    @wildtot I’m glad that he has been willing to make changes. I know that my BF has a lot of issues from before we met that affect the way he reacts to me. I wish that there was a cure to relationship problems. Wouldn’t that be amazing? Lol. 

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  • dimeadozendimeadozen member
    @hayhay93 I’m very glad the support has been pouring out to you today. I was in a very similar situation growing up and I always told my dad, “if you can’t leave for yourself, can you leave for me?” Every time he chose to keep me in those toxic situations I resented him more. I know it’s hard and I can’t  imagine all the things you have to think about daily, but your baby will be the most important thing and I hope we’ve all been able to give you some courage. I’m thankful for your mother and really hope you can move to her soon!! 
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  • hayhay93hayhay93 member
    I’m sorry that you went through that. I don’t want to put my child through that at all. I know it won’t get better after. It will only get worse. @gspmom21
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  • AlyLynn07AlyLynn07 member
    @hayhay93 don't feel embarrassed as if you could have done something to prevent this from happening. He is a grown man and you are not responsible for his actions. I'm sure it's really overwhelming and scary to make such a big change and move (especially while pregnant), but so happy to hear that you're planning on it! Please keep us updated.
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  • hayhay93hayhay93 member
    Thank you! You’re right. He has some growing up to do and I hope he gets help before he gets involved with another person. It’s scary, but I feel good about making the necessary changes. @AlyLynn07
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  • stillcozystillcozy member
    @hayhay93 you are brave, you are strong and you are making amazing moves for the betterment of yourself and your child and that is selfless. Be proud of yourself we are :) 
    April Siggy Challenge Social Distancing


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  • hayhay93hayhay93 member
    Thank you so much. I don’t feel brave or strong, but it means a lot for you to say this to me! I’m scared about how it’s all going to go down, but thankful for all of the advice and support. I feel encouraged. @lindsayleigh1989
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  • stillcozystillcozy member
    edited December 2017
    @hayhay93 Do you have any male friends there you trust? I would suggest calling them or even the police if you feel you need the extra support to leave safely. You do not have to do this alone. create a safety plan especially with your mom and even a few others so you have a step by step plan of support and safety. a lot of time it is safest to leave if you can pack what you need and leave when they arent home. know there are resources like the police as I mentioned before though if you feel it would be more secure to have their presence there. I would also suggest seeking out an order for protection for yourself against him. you can definitely do that though once you are gone as well
    April Siggy Challenge Social Distancing


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  • hayhay93hayhay93 member
    edited December 2017
    I don’t have any male friends that aren’t friends with him because I just moved here with him in June and he is originally from here. I have become good friends with his best friend’s gf, and I might be able to ask her to try to plan something to get him out of the house on a certain day and I can stay home and pack and get out. I think she would understand because I’ve shared some stuff with them and she’s seen him go off on me before and told me I need to do what’s best for me and not put up with that. I’ve thought, if I can’t get him out of the house, maybe leaving for an appointment and just grabbing a backpack full of stuff because I always take a backpack of snacks and drinks with me and it wouldn’t look suspicious. I can always get the rest of my stuff another time when he’s calmed down. Idk. My mom and I are trying to make a plan, but it’s stressful! Thank you for advice. @lindsayleigh1989

    edited to fix typos 
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  • babybakiebabybakie member
    @Hayhay93 I got to reading this pretty late so I don't really have anything new to add to good advice of these other ladies but I just want to say that you sound like an extremely strong, aware, couragous, intelligent woman. You and your baby are in my heart and prayers. Sending you much love. I am very sorry you are in such a difficult situation. I am very glad to hear that you have the support of your mom who is helping you execute an exit plan. Wishing you all the best. You will get through this.  
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  • BrittG13BrittG13 member
    @hayhay93 Also reading late, don't be embarrassed. No one will think differently of you moving forward except perhaps to think of how strong you are to be making this decision for you and your baby. It is so hard but you are not alone and you can and will do it. I say this with the confidence of someone raised by a bad ass single mom. Make a plan, get home to your mama, and be happy and safe!
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  • zombiehoohaazombiehoohaa member
    @hayhay93 I'm so very sorry you are having to go through this. Being in an abusive relationship, of any type, is very difficult and is hard to get out of. I'm SO, SO, SO very glad you are getting out. Does he work? If he does, this would be the prime time to leave. You'll already have an idea of the time frame you'd be working with and pack whatever is MOST valuable to you. If he doesn't work, try encouraging him to go out with some friends for a bit to "relax". I know this, in itself, is stressful. However, knowing you will be FAR away from him and this toxic life, will give you the ultimate stress relief. It will not be easy at first, you will start to question if you did the right thing, however, YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING! Lean on your mom. If you have friends here in CA, lean on them. You've got us here, too!!! Don't worry about finding a high risk doctor here in CA, there are such great ones here!!! I can do some research for you, as well on who is good in your area, to help alleviate the stress. 
    We've got you, girl!!! You've got this!!! Breathe...count to 10...breathe some more...remind yourself that you are a bad ass woman who is going to make sure you and your baby live a happy, non-toxic life. 

    Babysizer Geeky Pregnancy Tracker

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  • hayhay93hayhay93 member
    edited December 2017
    Thank you both so much. I feel much more confident in myself after talking to everyone on here today. It really helps to have people like all of you giving me support. I guess I just kept thinking I was exaggerating how bad things are with us, but now I know that I’m not because I barely touched the tip of the iceberg with our problems on here. @BrittG13 @babybakie
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