Pregnant and resurfacing eating disorders...

nmtay

Hey ladies...I need some help. I'm currently 22 wks pregnant with twins and starting to notice my eating disorders resurfacing. Nothing huge has happened yet, so I know I'm still in the position to prevent/fix things by myself but I'm feeling TERRIBLE about it cause the absolute last thing I want in the whole world is to hurt these babies...so far I've had urges to throw up after eating high calorie foods, and urges to go work on projects instead of eating, but usually I've been able to stop myself and not let things escalate. As far as I can tell I've been on the low side of right on track with my weight gain this whole time but it's still a LOT with twins (20lbs so far and I started out pretty small) and I'm having a hard time with accepting that I'm supposed to continue gaining weight and an even harder time feeling beautiful and loving my body. Especially because my insensitive dad flipped out when my sister was talking about how in her health class she learned that I was supposed to gain 37-54 lbs for a healthy pregnancy. Which is accurate but he couldn't keep his mouth shut over how crazy 50lbs sounded to him...and he is definitely 90% of what caused my eating disorders in the first place. Any help/support would be appreciated!

(I will get more serious help if it gets worse. Right now I'm hoping that you guys can help me shift my perspective somehow so that I can prevent it from getting worse)

persnickity

@nmtay First, giant hugs right now! Two, your dad is awful! Now that that's out of the way...

Can you reframe and instead of thinking about you gaining weight, think of it as the twins? Or what about not stepping on the scale at home and asking your ob not to tell you the amount, just if you're on track or not?

It can be really hard to watch your body change. I struggled with it some weeks too.

Holls214

Sorry to hear you are going through all of that... it really is hard to see our bodies change and gain weight. Just remember that all the weight will slowly or fastly come off after the babies are here. That’s what I keep telling myself when I get down about gaining weight everywhere. Thinking about you. 

rainbows2018

Sorry you’re dealing with this but kudos for speaking up and your willingness to get help if necessary. I second that it’s hard to watch our bodies morph so quickly. I stopped working out throughout my IF journey so It’s been even more challenging. However, I can assure you that the weight does come off relatively fast. With my first Lo I was back in my pre-pregnancy clothes in no time. Do you think watching videos of weekly baby development on YouTube might help? This way you can focus on how your twins are getting bigger and what your body is doing to support that. GL to you!

cseley321

Try and open up to your OB if you haven't already. As I am sure you are well aware, right now your main focus is keeping your babies healthy. The weight will come off afterwards.

I wish I had better advice, but all I can say is there is very little about pregnancy that made me feel "beautiful", especially around 22 weeks. Just try and focus on what your OB tells you to do and ignore the outside influences. Best of luck!

LadyMillil

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. I don't have experience with an eating disorder but I have struggled a bit with the thought of gaining 25-35lbs for a singleton pregnancy on top of the weight I gained during IF/treatments. There are a few things that have helped me. I focus on what I am eating - is it mostly healthy food? Is my weight gain in range for where I am in my pregnancy and does my OB have any concerns about my weight? I also look at the breakdown of pregnancy weight gain - how much is baby, how much is increased fluids and blood, how much is going to my uterus and boobs growing, etc. I do still look at my weight when at the OB because I like data, but I've started paying more attention to my fundal height instead of weight as a marker of if I'm on track for a healthy gain.

wabash15

@nmtay I gained just over 60 lbs with my twin pregnancy and seeing that scale number at the end freaked me out. I have gained ~40 with this current singleton. At your point in gestation I think your weight gain is fine. There are some women who gain a ton and others who gain next to nothing. Its amazing that you are recognizing your symptoms. When I was pregnant with the twins my MFM pushed protein, protein and more protein... so I know you mentioned "high calorie" foods were starting to trigger you... maybe if you re-frame your thoughts a bit and focus on protein?  I'm sorry your dad is a TW. It is hard to love your changing body and especially with twins. I was so large at the end, it was hard to tune out the comments. Try to remember your body is doing an AMAZING thing. you are growing TWO beautiful babies. You can do this.
    Also I will say adjustment to my postpartum twin body was very challenging. it took me a very long time to even think about loving it again or thinking I was beautiful. It is still a bit of a challenge. So be kind to yourself, give yourself some grace. so many hugs. 
    Is it possible not to look at the scale? close your eyes when your at the doctors and not step on a scale at home?

cashewchicken

@nmtay- From what I've read, most of the weight gain should occur in the second trimester (1 lb/week for singleton, maybe double for twins? dunno) and less weight gain in the third trimester.  So though 20 lb may sound like a lot to you, I think you're on a right track.  Several people I know have had twins and they all managed to lose the baby weight at some point.  So don't worry about it, especially if you were small to start out with.  And if you don't lose it? Well, I say wear it like a badge of honor!  You incubated and grew two babies! 

It is annoying how much people comment about your body when you are pregnant.  I'm struggling to gain weight (this has always been the case for me... it's not like I want to have a stick thin figure with no curves!) and so far I've managed to gain about 10 lbs.  I reached the 10-lb mark about three weeks ago and has not budged since.  I've had so many people (including my MFM, endocrinologist and dietician) tell me to put on more weight... This is not easy, especially with gestational diabetes.  I've always loved carbs and grew up eating lots of carbs.  To have that taken away from me has been really, really difficult.  I do try to eat high-calorie foods, more proteins, but it ain't easy.  I used to love to eat but with being forced to carb count, eating is no longer that fun for me.  

nmtay

Thank you all!  this had definitely helped! Also being reminded how ...special... my dad is has definitely helped as well. He's saddled me with SO much emotional baggage over my life but everyone else seems to think he's a normal, good person so it's really hard to balance that. Until of course he crosses a major line and spends Christmas dessert trying to convince my BROWN husband (dad is 100% white) that colorblindness isn't racism, and in fact the white man faces just as much racism these days as people of color. He and I are definitely going to have a talk about that one if he ever wants to see these babies... (sorry for the tangent, needed to vent!) 

Anyway, I definitely like the ideas of focusing more on babies development. I don't think I can completely stop stepping on the scale, but I definitely need to do it less frequently. It's also super comforting to hear of people gaining lots of extra weight and losing it, and also of people not feeling beautiful when pregnant. It's sad, but it really does help cause I'm kinda sick of all this talk about glowing and feeling amazing and loving your curves when I'm having such a struggle. 

Definitely feeling better, so thank you so much! If any of you think of additional things I would love to hear them!

Hopeful_mom

@nmtay you did get some great advice here and glad you're feeling better!  This process is a struggle! I've always struggled with weight and people are cruel and added to my suffering and hatred of my body.  I've never loved my body and even when I lost weight it's never good enough.  It's been a tough battle my entire life and I have worked hard to just be happy in my own skin.  Ivf was the worst as I gained about 30lbs doing so many cycles back to back and now add the pregnancy weight, dear lord.  I was ready to toss my scale out the window.  As my pregnancy progressed so did my nausea and as many know it's awful.  I'm week 17 and thinner now then when I first got pregnant.  I literally would only want to eat so I could take my vitamins to help keep them down.  I may not love my body BUT all I care about is making sure this Lil one has what it needs!! You don't know what the future holds so keep feeding those babies.  What I've read if you've started this process on the thinner side u will get back there once the babies come!! And please remember you've got two of everything in there and it really does add up!! You haven't gained too much weight at all so please don't worry about it.
as for your darling dad I just glazed over as I can tell you're already to deal with that mess.  I will say men in general are dumb and never really think before they speak!! Good luck!!

hottietoddy

Hi there, I'm new here but just thought I'd offer my experience. I know you said you are just wanting support right now and will look for more serious help if it gets worse. But maybe you don't have to wait and suffer until getting some additional support.  I have eating issues the other way with over eating and also have high blood sugar issues. I go to a nutritionist every two weeks while trying to get pregnant and now I'm going to go every week.  I have really found that the support is what I need to be successful. I look forward to it every week.

Maybe you could see if your Endo, Ob, or general practitioner could offer a referral. My nutritionist is in the same office as my general doctor and the one on one time is really what is needed. It is only like $30 each visit. Which does add up but well worth it. I know another doctor visit seems like a lot with all you probably go to each week, but I have recently lost about 30 lbs and it is very helpful. (Like I said my issues are much different). I am very overweight so my challenge is not gaining.  Also the nutritionist will help with mental challenges and talk to you about what your family and friends should be doing in support. A lot of what we discuss is challenges and ways to deal with family. 

Just an idea no pressure and again just wanted to share my experience. I know it is challenging and as someone who has struggled just know it will be ok and all you can do is your best.  You might just need help and that is okay, we can't do everything on ourselves. Even doctors can give bad advice. Earlier this year I fired an Endo for pressuring me to buy an 'Ideal Protein' product she is selling. My nutritionist said it is a horrible choice and extreme, so maybe interview a few and see if you can find the right person for you. Big HUGS to you! ❤️❤️

nmtay

Thank you so much! I appreciate all the love, advice, and support!