Husband Micro-Managing Meals

tjlowry

Does anyone else have a partner who it feels like they are monitoring everything you eat? I know it's coming from a place of love and wanting to have a healthy baby, but it's been leading to arguments and frustration on both ends. 

christycalifornia

Um.....no. If this is coming from a place of concern he should express himself in a way that's minus the terrible tone and guilt trips. Is he a controlling person in general? Very type A? There's not a lot he can do at this point, so maybe he's trying to control you to feel involved or feel like he's in control of something? Either way it doesn't sound healthy. I'd definitely recommend talking to him, getting him a good Daddy To Be book (The Expectant Father is my rec) and reminding him that your body is doing what it needs to do to care for the baby - YOU'RE going to be malnourished far before your baby is ever affected, that's how good our bodies are - and stress is way worse for the baby than you eating a bit late. 

Also, the baby being born disabled and blaming your eating? Um, that's not science. I don't know your husband, obviously, but that sounds like verging on emotional abuse to me. What happens if the baby IS born early? Or has something else wrong? (I'm sure it's all going to be fine, just saying what if.) Why is he looking to blame you already? Sounds like he may have some fears and is outsourcing them on to you. Get him a book, get him a counsellor, he needs to calm down. 

4deep

No but we do have a questions thread, ransoms thread, intro thread, and several in general b*tching threads   

In all seriousness, we’d love to get to know you and all about your husbands control issues over there. 

zg49

Hmm that's a hard one. My DH doesn't have any clue what and when I eat throughout the day so I don't have much advice on dealing with that. Maybe have him come with you to the next OB appointment and voice your and his concerns to the Dr. and the Dr. should be able to alleviate some of his worries.

I know babies born to mommies who ate 100% clean the whole time and other born to mommies who ate junk food the whole time and I see no difference in the kids. 

christycalifornia

....and now the major edit on the OP post makes my comment look judgy and insane. Don't mind me, I'll just see myself out...

pretzellover

@tjlowry My DH has definitely taken an active interest in what I’m eating. He’s not a typically inquisitive guy, so I suspect it’s just nerves & genuine concern & maybe helplessness given I’m effectively the ‘surrogate’ of this child we’ve spent years trying for.
So, I’ve tried to channel this into a win-win by letting him do the grocery shopping & cooking. When I pass out early, he stays up and cooks & even packs me healthy meals for work!
maybe something like that would help?

purplepelican

@christycalifornia I saw the original post. You aren't crazy. Before she edited, OP said that when she missed lunch one day her husband said that "if the baby is born with a disability we will know why." Agree that such a comment over a single missed meal is borderline emotional abuse and OP's husband needs to see a therapist ASAP.

ETA: Also, I'm not really sure that "if the baby is disabled it will be your fault" is coming "from a place of love." The edit makes me think that OP definitely didn't want to hear that her husband was WAY out of line.

pretzellover

@beanship ahhh... I didn’t see the pre-edited post... I agree he and they would benefit from a therapist. Super slippery slope.

4deep

@beanship @christycalifornia yep I saw the OP as well. I was feeling a bit snarky and sick of the one off posts which I usually don’t even care that much about. I saw she was brand new here and, I think bc I have a major migraine today, major eye rolled and decided to be hall monitor. 

zg49

I also saw the original post but edited my comment before I sent it because you edited yours. I do agree that your husband needs therapy - that is emotional abuse and may only get worse as the pregnancy goes along. If anything were to happen to your baby, 99% of the time it isn't because of something you did and if your husband is already saying things like this, parenting with him will be a major challenge. 

AlyLynn07

Yeah I don't think there's any reason to argue about your food intake.. My DH knows not to question what I'm having, but consistently offers to go out for whatever I may have a hankering for. This early in the game, it's hard to eat at all sometimes, but baby is tiny and doesn't require a ton of calories. So do what you can to eat good food, take PNVs if you can stomach them, give your body the tasty stuff it's craving, and tell your husband not to stress you out about this!

acunamatada

zg49 said:

I also saw the original post but edited my comment before I sent it because you edited yours. I do agree that your husband needs therapy - that is emotional abuse and may only get worse as the pregnancy goes along. If anything were to happen to your baby, 99% of the time it isn't because of something you did and if your husband is already saying things like this, parenting with him will be a major challenge. 

This. I didn't see the original post but from what the other women are saying, that behavior raises some red flags and makes me wonder whether he acts like this in other aspects of your life as well. This kind of emotional abuse and control is a very slippery slope and usually begins or escalates when a woman becomes pregnant. It sounds like he could benefit from counseling, at a minimum. Please take care of yourself. 

stillcozy

we should start using QFP! but yes OP stick around and get to know us and definitely get some counseling. @christycalifornia girl we all know you and no one would ever think that about you

christycalifornia

@tjlowry Just wanted to say hi. You editing then going quiet makes me worried that there may really be something going on that you're afraid of people seeing or that you're afraid to face. I hope that isn't the case, and that I'm way off base, and that you come and say hi and hang out and you have a happy 9 months hanging out and that everything's fine. But I just wanted to encourage you, if there is something going on, if you've ever felt belittled or controlled by your husband, to reach out and get help for yourself. There's a reason OB's ask at every visit if we feel safe at home; there's more than one of you to care for now, and it's important to advocate for yourself so you can be well and whole for your child. It's a hard thing to do, but if you ever feel intimidated or made smaller by him, I hope you'll try. And I hope you stick around regardless. Again, I hope I'm wrong. Be well. 

kat029

My ex husband was incredibly controlling. He did things like this, and he's an ex for a reason. When I finally started to grow a back bone, he became more obsessive - eventually telling me he was going to take my son away.

Three years later he can barely keep up with the every other weekend thing. And he feeds our kid super junk food. ::eye roll::

stillcozy

OP also if you feel unsafe or feel he is too controling but do not feel comfortable putting it out here please please please send one of us a private message by clicking on the username. we would love to help you find some resources if you want some help. I hope you do not thibk we are over reacting but we are a community that cares A LOT and want to make everyone going through a hard time has support  

christycalifornia

@kat029 I'm so glad you're out of that situation! Good for you.

purplepelican

@tjlowry I hope I didn't come off as too mean in my post. I was going for "tough love," but of course that's hard to pick up in an internet post from a stranger. I know that it's really hard to admit to yourself when there might be a problem, especially in a marriage, especially if the problem is potentially a big one. I just wanted you to know that your husband's comment is not a normal comment that would be made in a healthy relationship. Healthy comments about your eating would be: "I'm proud of you for cutting back on the number of Cokes you have every day." "Are you getting enough to eat with the morning sickness?" or "Can we try to start including more vegetables with dinner?" I hope that you are okay and that you don't feel belittled on a regular basis in your relationship. If your husband regularly belittles you or blames you for things that are not your fault, I urge you to find someone you can talk to about it, whether that's a friend, a therapist, or someone on a hotline. As others have said, feel free to message any of us privately if you would like to talk. We really do care and want to support you. 

acunamatada

@tjlowry From the way you changed your response and went quiet it seems like you might not be ready to make any big changes or talk about it. That is okay, but you need to think about your safety too, and work on developing a plan of what you're going to do if you feel in danger. You have more than one person to protect now.
If you're in the US there's a 24/7 Domestic Violence hotline available to talk about things like this. It's completely confidential and you can remain anonymous if you'd prefer. They can connect you to supports in your community be it a support group, counseling, safety planning, or just a good listening ear. 1(800)799-7233 this is the US national hotline, they can give you the number to DV services in your area. You don't need to do anything today, but save that number in your phone in case you change your mind in the future. 

stillziggysmom

Firstly, OP, I really hope you are okay. I agree with others that micromanaging, especially where there is blame being laid, is not normal and not healthy. I find it very worrisome that the full story was edited out after posting, that very much reads as victim behavior and I am hoping so hard that I am wrong. This is a very safe and encouraging board you've come to, and we are all willing to help out however we can. All I can say is that I encourage you to open up and be honest with yourself as well as outside help. Right now this is damaging to you (which is already scary), but after baby comes there are million more ways this behavior can become damaging. Will he blame you on for every diaper rash, cold, or bruise? When baby grows up, will your child become witness to this behavior toward its mother? Will that same negative and accusatory behavior be turned toward the child? I know a lot of us here have some sort experience with emktional abuse, and it is 100% not okay, and something we will do anything to keep our children away from. These are things that no one wants to think about, and I really am hoping desperately that I'm wrong about this situation, but it is no longer the two of you and priority is baby. Please check in back here soon so we know you are safe.

Secondly, can I just say that this BMB is the best. It is so clear that you all care so deeply and it just makes me smile at what a community we have on here. I feel so lucky and proud to be a part of this journey with all of you incredible women. 

tjlowry

Hello. Just wanted to chime in here again. I sincerely appreciate everyone's concern for my safety and emotional stability, but happy to tell you that I am fine. I did not intentionally "go dark" on this post, but I literally forgot I posted anything until this morning. I rarely have the time to scroll through community posts and definitely don't monitor the boards as it seems some do. 

My husband and I both work demanding corporate jobs, we're in the middle of moving, and of course the holidays with visiting both families who live out of state causes tensions. I edited my original post because I realized that the height of a marital argument when both work deadlines and the holidays were approaching, where hurtful things were said and quickly retracted and apologized for, could be taken completely out of context by an external "panel" of onlookers. It was not victim behavior. 

Perhaps it's because both my career and my Masters are based in consumer insights, but I find it particularly saddening when people are quick to overlook the true fears, frustrations, tensions, and pains that might be the truth behind words and instead jump straight to a band-aid labeling of their own judgement. 

It was also left unsaid that I had a severe eating disorder that I was hospitalized for 10 years ago and have since been hyper-sensitive to people monitoring my eating after years of professional nutritionists and doctors. And yes, I still see a counselor for those of you that suggested it. 

pretzellover  I sincerely appreciate your constructive advice and thoughtful reply. @4deep, I'm sorry you felt as thought I was just "bitching" about my "husband's control issues." Rest assured I will stay far away from this community of "support" from now on.

I came here looking for guidance and input from other expectant moms and was surprised to be met with what felt like a high school clique and a wave of judgement. I would ask that you treat others new to the community with greater openness and understanding.

stillcozy

@tjlowry are you serious?! you were met with support and care given to a stranger who clearly doesn't care about this community.  and yes please do move on you were given thoughtful and kind answers based on literally nothing from you. 

acunamatada

I’ll keep this short... Not a single woman on this board was attacking or judging you. You came to the board for input and guidance and we responded based on the information you provided (and later changed). I’m sorry you weren’t happy with the thoughtful, caring responses that were provided to you based off what sounded like a cry for help. 

stillcozy

also if you want to be treated "with respect" as you claim you weren't (which you were by the way) try respecting the group and offering suppor @tjlowry. It is pretty selfish and rude to just come only to post about yourself. so pleaE do not try to tell us how to treat peoppe when you cant be bothered to lend any support except to complain you did not get exactly what you were looking for. maybe if you hadn't ghosted and had actually engaged people could have had a more clear view of what was going on. did you ever think that some
people here have been in abusive relationships before and with the way you acted did in fact mirror some of those signs? so they were acting out of concern and care? so next time you want to barge back in and complain pleaE dont

WorkinWeezel

@tjlowry while I appreciate that you came back on here and made edits to your post, as well as an updated post above, I have to respectfully disagree with your assessment.  As one accusing others to be quick to "judge" and "label", you are labeling the women in the community as unsupportive; in a time where everyone's feelings and emotions are hyper sensitive, I would think that people jumping in to help and offer advice on a potentially dangerous situation when your original, unedited post appeared to be a cry for help would be refreshing.  <Hello millions of women now coming out years later to complain about abuse????>  Anyway, you did not give enough details or info, or intentionally left out details or info, or have come back to offer details and info so we went with what we had to go off of, nothing more.  Take a look at yourself, your marriage, the way you communicate to others, your own personal issues, your husbands issues, and then decide if and when and how to post asking for advice.  You ask for it, you get it.  You don't have to take it.  But you get what you give around here.

Good luck to you and I hope you continue to seek treatment for your eating disorder, as this can be an exceptionally difficult time given the expected weight gain and need to support a growing life.  I'm sure your husband's concerns are valid, if not effectively communicated (although saying if your child has a disability it will be your fault is really not that productive).

zande2016

Just seeing/reading this thread for the first time, but from my perspective, these ladies were expressing genuine concern for a total stranger and sincerely offering advice. And now you are coming back weeks later to throw it in their faces. Cool. FWIW, stressed from careers and holidays or not, it's not okay to tell your pregnant wife that it will be her fault if the baby is disabled because she missed a meal. I hope you stuck up for yourself when that happened. 

julianne0

Just wanted to throw in my 2 cents. This is the most supportive group of women I have ever come across. Not even just for me but for the other girls on here going through things. I just wanted everyone on this post who tried to help and offer encouragement to know that. 

stillziggysmom

@tjlowry I would encourage you to go back and read every single word of this thread. These women all came together to offer support and constructive advice based off of the information you gave us. Any "snark" wad used in a humorous and sarcastic way. We have taken valuable time out of our days to check back here to this thread many times in hopes that you've updated us letting us know that you are healthy and safe. We brought you with us and thought about what you were, based on what you wrote, "going through" throughout our days. If you are unhappy with the advice and support given, it just shows me that you wanted something specific (that you gave us zero indication of), and are being quite petulant over not getting it. All we can do is respond to the information we are given, so if our coming together in concern for your well being offends you in ANY way, I reccomend taking a hard look at your communication tactics and maybe speaking with your therapist, beyond the eating disorder, for some handling methods for communication and emotional coping. No, that was not meant to be snarky, I think therapists are wonderful and a tool we should all access more freely. I, too, have dealt with eating disorder along with other mental illnesses, so take what I am saying however you want, but my words are coming from a sincere place. In further sincerity, though, I think there is a big old apology owed to the women on this board after you take the time to reread and reflect. Your handling of this situation was extremely unkind and disrespectful, and all we were trying to do was uplift you and support you. You say you work a big corporate job, so do what you would do at said job and take responsibility for your actions instead of casting blame on others. There. I've said my piece. Good luck on your pregnancy. 

stlmegs

zande2016 said:

Just seeing/reading this thread for the first time, but from my perspective, these ladies were expressing genuine concern for a total stranger and sincerely offering advice. And now you are coming back weeks later to throw it in their faces. Cool. FWIW, stressed from careers and holidays or not, it's not okay to tell your pregnant wife that it will be her fault if the baby is disabled because she missed a meal. I hope you stuck up for yourself when that happened. 

This.  No matter the circumstances, how many degrees you have, or how busy you are, this is emotional abuse. Whether or not you are ready to accept and deal with that, is up to you.  I wish you the best of luck with everything. 

wildtot

I agree with all the comments here from the fellow mamas. I think they have all been super supportive. I see that you go to a counselor - good! if your husband hasn't gone with you, it might be a good idea for him to go with you a few time to understand your struggles and how he can better respond during your pregnancy. Hardest part is admitting there is a problem and even thought words were exchanged out of anger, if that's a frequent thing then it's called abuse. I hope things work out for you and you can move in a positive direction. But please don't bash on this group as we have all been super supportive if you care to read other threads. Best of luck!

purplepelican

@tjlowry

Wow. Just wow. Let me re-write your post for you: "Thank you all so much for your concern for my welfare. My edited post left out a lot of important context, specifically, the fact that I suffered from an eating disorder for many years, so my husband had reason to worry about my eating habits becoming unhealthy during this emotional time. The remark my husband made was very unkind but was unusual for him, and he does not make comments like that on a regular basis. I do see a counselor, and maybe this is something I will discuss with them even though this is not an issue on a regular basis in my relationship." 

Also, please don't use your eating disorder as an excuse for being rude and defensive with us about your post. You didn't mention it, so we couldn't have possibly known. Also, you aren't The Only Person In The World to have ever had an eating disorder. I had an eating disorder for 5 years and had to be hospitalized during that time. So don't tell me that I'm being too judgmental or don't "get" what you've been through, because I've definitely been there and I certainly don't judge you for it. The way your husband expressed his concern about your eating was not healthy, ESPECIALLY if you've had an eating disorder. Of course family members should help you to monitor your mental health to support you in maintaining a healthy lifestyle - that's what a support system is there for. But that monitoring should come without cruelty or judgment on their part. My previous post suggested several kind and non-judgmental comments that a family member could make that would be healthy and supportive. I wish you continued success in maintaining your mental and physical health. I hope that you will consider speaking with your counselor about healthier ways that you and your husband can communicate about food. 

purplepelican

For anyone else out there who may be in a similar situation, I'd like to give a couple more examples of healthy ways that a family member can discuss nutrition and mental health with a person who has had an eating disorder: 

- "I've noticed that you've been talking a lot lately about what food you've been eating. That's something you tend to do when you're in a less healthy mindset about food. What's something else that you can focus on right now other than food?"
- "You've been pretty busy and stressed out during the holidays and have been missing meals. Don't forget that food is fuel and will give you more energy to get everything done. Why don't I pick you up some healthy protein bars to keep in your bag in case you don't have time to stop for lunch?"

Notice that the focus is on concern for the person's health and ways that the speaker can help and NOT on blaming or shaming the person for their (current or former) mental illness. 

morethanamama

@beanship well said! 

purplepelican

@kissableviv Thanks! In addition to going through years of therapy, my mom has been a huge support to me during my recovery over the past 10 years. (I can't believe it's been that long since I've been in active recovery!!) She worked with her own therapist on ways she could help support my health and recovery, so I've been fortunate enough to become very familiar with this kind of constructive support. 

chicxulub

I do not have a partner like that. I’m sorry.

sopranoali

@tjlowry I’m sorry that you are feeling judged. I really don’t think that is the place the responses were coming from. Additionally, you edited your post and so we all had minimal information to go on.

I applaud you disclosing your eating disorder. Just keep in mind that your body will take what it needs to nourish the baby, make sure you aren’t left behind. Yes, silly to say when you just miss ONE meal, but one meal becomes two meals, etc. 

My cousin struggled with anorexia during her teenage years, and it re-emerged during her pregnancy. Her baby was born a healthy 8 lbs and my cousin’s heart stopped during delivery because she did not take care of her body during pregnancy. I hope you have a safe and healthy pregnancy. 

WorkinWeezel

@beanship very constructive and well-said- there could definitely be someone out there that saw the OP and didnt speak up and needed to hear your words. Also, perhaps the OP will read them as well.