OT: WWYD Re this Christmas Conundrum

mintea

My brother-in-law "Bill" lives in our city. He's an... underachiever type of person who's in his mid-30s but has never held down a job consistently. For most of his adult life he has sort of just mooched off of the family. Like if there's a family trip everyone pays for themselves except him; everyone else chips in to pay for him because nobody wants him to miss out. If there's a gift exchange occasion he receives gifts but never gives gifts, even nominal things, even to his nieces and nephews. Anyhow, my husband found out Bill will be alone for Christmas (his girlfriend is flying across country to see her family). We'll be 2.5 hrs outside town with my family and now my husband wants to find a way to get him up there for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. He can't just ride with us because we're going several days before but he has to bartend the 23rd. So my husband has proposed us driving back down to pick him up, paying for an Uber ($100) or rental car (about $150), or letting him borrow our other car (Bill's is super unreliable). I feel like Scrooge but all of these options make me resentful. I guess him borrowing our car would be free but what if he gets in an accident with it? He *could* pay for his own transport but he doesn't want to and so we're in another situation where the family "doesn't want him to miss out" so we're expected to foot the bill. Ugh. Vent. Thoughts?

muggle621

It sounds like Bill has been enabled for years and as long as the family keeps giving him money and helping him out he will continue mooching. I think you and your husband should say to hell with Bill and let him figure it out himself. I bet once Bill has no one to help him out he will suddenly find ways to make it work! Can you remind your family you have a baby on the way so it's not like y'all have all this extra money to throw around? 
I know it sounds harsh but you just have to stop enabling people like this or they will be drain on everyone forever.  I think you should try to make your husband see that enabling is not the answer and if he continues then Bill will expect help for the rest of his life. 

ShawnnaO

Bill sounds a lot like my brother John and it sounds a lot like your family needs to stop enabling him so he can grow up. 

DDRRT1982

Extend the invite to your family (which is very gracious).  He can find a way up there, like most adults, or he can spend Christmas by himself.  If he isn't proactive about find arrangements to get up there he might want to be alone.  This includes asking to borrow your car.   He's old enough to make a decision for himself and be proactive in finding a way.  Nobody wants family to feel alone on the holidays, but maybe he doesn't really feel alone. Maybe it really isn't a big deal to him.

gh515

I agree with @DDRRT1982 's idea - I would feel guilty not at least extending an invitation (even though it's above and beyond what is merited), but he can figure out the details in getting there. Kindness and autonomy is a tough balance. Sorry you have this stress at the holiday!

mintea

Thanks y'all! Yes, I think that's what I am going to counter-propose to my husband, that we invite him but let him be responsible for figuring out his own way there. I know my husband will object because there is this longstanding family tradition of enabling Bill. It is a tricky balance trying to help people without enabling them.  

Gingermom15

Sounds like Bill would be spending Christmas alone if he were my BIL. You don’t need an adult man-child to pay for and raise. 

missnc77

Yeah, sorry Bill. I also believe that if he really wanted to make it happen, he'd find a way. And if he can't find a way, maybe being alone on Christmas will be a good kick in the pants to make some meaningful new year's resolutions.

hollyk224

Bill sounds so much like my brother in law. We can relate!

Cowboycorgi

I have an older brother that sounds very similar. He has been living with me since our adoptive mother passed away 2yrs ago. He lived and cared for her up until that point, so I thought it would help him transition living on his own easier if he moved in with my family first while he learned how to manage bills and such... nope. I finally had to tell him he has 3 months to find an apartment and move out. Hardest thing I have ever had to do, but he is in his 40’s and I’m just over having a roommate. It doesn’t help that he has completely stopped help with any lawn or house chores and eats all my food without buying groceries. I feel like I have a child that is older than me! 

fatstagnation

Sorry I'm so late to this...

I guess I'm a bit confused - why does YOUR family have to find Christmas day entertainment for your DH's brother? Why isn't HIS OWN family scrambling to including him in something? 
Also it seems like a sign that his gf didn't bring him with her. Agree that enabling him is not a good solution. 

mintea

Update for those curious: We ended up extending the invitation without going out of our way to make his transportation happen. He insisted he wasn't going to come and then called at 11pm on Christmas Eve saying he was on his way and woke everyone up after midnight when he arrived. Honestly I regret inviting him. My mom was stressed by the last minute nature of his participation (she's the kind of person who wants a stocking for everyone, a place setting for everyone ready, etc.) and he was just wholly ungrateful, lazy, and frankly rude the whole time he was there. He didn't offer to help with meal prep or clean up, even after my husband called him out on it. He foraged through the fridge constantly and took "to go" food. Multiple times he dropped comments about how "the meal is good but would be better if we had gravy with it" or "oh man, you have a dart board but not the kind I like" or things like that. He brought a gift for no one, not even a dollar store toy for the kids or a simple gesture of thanks for my parents for hosting. It was extremely off-putting.

DDRRT1982

Oh Lord, he needs some manners.  I am glad you guys didn't go out of your way and I am sorry he was a jackass.  

Cowboycorgi

I’m so sorry. I know it is hard to love someone that doesn’t appreciate the efforts people. 

cford08

@mintea you did the right thing. You can't help it if people don't know how to act 

mdfarmchick

@mintea wow. He sounds like a real treat. And now we know why his “gf” didn’t invite him. 

baybeesunflower

Yikes @mintea that sounds horrendous.  So glad you didn't go out of your way to get him there. So rude.