I'm back....

justsuzie

I felt the need to talk about why I suddenly dropped off of the board without any warning.  TW past MCs mentioned

Our pregnancy journey started with an ectopic pregnancy located in the dangerous corner of my uterus (cornual ectopic) labeled as a "ticking time bomb".  I think that is where my fear of being pregnant began and the anxiety began to hide in the back of my head.  Next we had a chemical pregnancy which I thought was just bad luck.  After that we suffered a late first trimester  miscarriage.  We had to watch the pregnancy decline for 3 weeks before a D&C.

When we got pregnant this time around and made it out of the first trimester I thought I would be able to relax.  I was wrong.  For the 2 months I have had extreme anxiety due to a few different factors. I have random bleeding that can't be explained.  Also, I wasn't gaining weight, and instead losing weight for 4 weeks. Finally I was diagnosed with Inflammatory bowel disease.  Basically if I eat something that doesn't agree with me, my stomach bloats to an extreme and I experience painful stomach contractions.  So, I have strict, boring diet now that is so restrictive. (Pretty much protein shakes, watermelon, and a few simple carbs.)   It has made me pretty depressed that I have to count my calories and protein every meal while I see everyone else around me enjoying eating.  For me eating has become an anxiety trigger.  I can't eat without knowing there is a bathroom near by.  And, at the end of the night if I have thrown up multiple times a day I worry that I am not getting the baby enough nutrients. My dr has reassured me that baby will get what she needs from me, but I still worry.   

So, I basically dropped off of the board because seeing so many of you ladies happy and progressing so well was leaving me feeling empty and even angry.  But, I have been working with my therapist and am coping much better.  I have found that constant exercise helps with the Inflammatory bowel disease by keeping things moving. I am also on a bunch of baby safe natural medicines like magnesium supplements.   

I've been more open with my friends as well. I  thought it was important for others to know that not all pregnancies are easy and not all pregnant women like being pregnant.  Some of us have the countdown to our EDDs instead of the count of how far along we are.   I know it will all be worth it in the end, and that helps me cope. I am ready to start participating again, and I truly thank those who reached out to me.  

sparklingdiamond

I am glad you decided to come back and so sorry you are going through this!  On a somewhat different level, I felt the same way with my CDH diagnosis and stayed away for a while.  It made me sad and somewhat angry to see everyone comment on how perfect and healthy their babies are while I had this horrible diagnosis.  But I am glad I stayed because the support here is amazing and I so appreciate everyone here.

I have also suffered from a chemical pregnancy and a miscarriage (that would never end....I had to have methotrexate).  Anyways, all that to say I somewhat understand how you feel and I hope you decide to stick around because I know we would all love to give you love and support!

lincbeesmom

Welcome back. I’m glad you took some time to yourself. I know you were very missed. 

sandbar517

So glad to see you back @justsuzie, we've missed you!  I'm glad you were able to step back and take time to get your thoughts and feelings into order, and are hopefully feeling better now.  So sorry you've had that devastating diagnosis at an already difficult time in your life.  Welcome back, and please feel free to vent to us, or step away again, or whatever you have to do to keep yourself and baby as happy and healthy as you can! 

Escardoe

Am so sorry you went through this, but lucky you are feeling better and ready to stay here again, we missed you. Welcome back

bwow615

Welcome back @justsuzie, I'm so glad you are starting to get back to a base and starting to feel okay.  

nanifrog

Thank you for posting. Many of us are worried about you. While I know you're going through a lot, in relieved to hear that baby girl is still growing.

I have IBS and I know how difficult it can be. I worked with a naturopath and was able to identify the worst triggers. Let me know if you want names of people (they will work by phone). 

You are not alone in finding pregnancy difficult and anxiety provoking. I am thankful for my kids and often don't feel I can say this on this forum, but I really hate being pregnant for many, many reasons. But...each day feels long but the years feel short. 

Thank you again for your update. I'm very relieved.

justsuzie

...slightly teary for the responses.  Thank you all. 

bjkay22

You have definitely been missed. Sorry you’ve had to go through all this. Your baby is lucky to have such a wonderful mama!

mileswithmyles

I missed you @justsuzie and I’m glad that you feel ready to talk about everything and took the time you needed to take care of yourself. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with the added anxiety trigger of food in addition to all the terrible feelings that PGAL brings up. We’re here for you!  

cups4

Glad to have you back.  I understand the restrictive diet stuff, but probably not to your extreme.  I hope we can support you here and I'm happy you are feeling better. 

charlestonchew

So sorry @justsuzie for all the anxiety you've had to experience. I think I speak for most in saying we will always be here to help and support.

silverhope

Missed you @justsuzie

I have IBD (I have Ulcerative Colitis, diagnosed at 15, and my FIL has Crohn’s). Feel free to PM me if you wanna talk about anything relating to IBD. 

I’ve been having a flare this pregnancy, but so far have been managing okay. I’m glad you are back and hope you know you have a lot of support here 

tincupchalice

Hugs for you!

onesmallcoconut

Thank you for coming back, we missed you! And for opening up about what has been happening in your pregnancy - that couldn't have been easy. 
Looking forward to seeing you post more, or just lurk, whatever you decide  

thunderberry

I'm really glad you took the time you needed for yourself and also really glad to see you back. You've been missed for sure! 

suchaglencoco

Glad to see you back.
I'm so happy you're so in tune with your mental health and did what was best for you. It's honestly great that you stayed focused on you and baby's needs.
 I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time with eating, but it sounds like you and the doctors figured out what works best for you for now.
Pregnancy definitely isn't a fun, beautiful ride for everyone, but it is so so so so worth it in the end!
Keep us in the loop if you need more support or more quiet in regards to your situation. 

Ceridwen77

Welcome back. Glad you are getting your anxiety under control. That is something to be very proud of. Hopefully you’ll find support here and not triggers going forward. 

ivyvines6

I’ve missed you!!!!! I’m sorry that your insides currently hate food though... 

arteduc8

So happy to have my fellow art teacher back in the community! We missed you! Pregnancy is definitely not an easy ride and I certainly can agree with you on the countdown to EDD. Glad to have you back and know we are here to support you through the ups and downs. 

gildah

I’m so, so sorry about the IBD diagnosis! I have a friend with that and she’s my hero. It’s such a hard illness! 
Totally not the same thing, but I found out that I have a slow progressing form of type one diabetes when I was pregnant with my 2nd kid. I can totally relate to receiving a life changing diagnosis during pregnancy. It’s so hard to deal with pregnancy let alone learning how to eat completely differently. Im glad you’re back and i hope the IBD eases up!

justsuzie

I'm hoping it's just really bad because of pg, and it will diminish afterwards.  FX

sbaby2019

Welcome back! Your absence was definitely noticed and it's nice to see you back on here. Many people have already shared my thoughts, but I'm glad you took the time you needed and have now returned
We missed you! (Especially in the PGAL group where we were worried).
I hope you are able to find extra support and positivity here.

rachelg777

Welcome back @justsuzie! We’ve missed you! I’m sorry to hear about everything you’ve been going through but I’m glad you have a plan and your pregnancy is still progressing well. Come on May!

motherof2monkeys

Welcome back! I’m sorry to read that you’ve been suffering but glad that you’re slowly getting better. Xxx

holli0801

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I really appreciate you sharing your story and being so open! I’m glad your back!!!!! 

fraufarbissina

I'm happy you're back but am sorry to hear you've been having a hard time!  I hope it helps to know that there are a lot of good people here who have missed you and will be here for support

JNCPro3130

Yay! So happy to have you back! We missed you! I'm so sorry about everything you've been and continue to go through. 

jhysmath

Welcome back! I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. 

squashandlaces

I’m very happy that you’re back!  I’m sure you feel the love, you were definitely missed
I’m sorry about the IBD diagnosis. Hopefully things get better post partum.  Boring diets are no fun, but I guess you do what you have to do to manage the symptoms. 
And yes.  It will be worth it in the end

heelsidehero

Welcome back!  I am glad you are in a place where you feel you can share your story.  When bad things happen, people generally have a difficult time sharing their stories and when these stories aren't heard, the good stories become the norm and that's all others know until going through something themselves.  

During my first pregnancy, I had many friends that were pregnant as well and had easy "normal" pregnancies.  I had a bad AS that ruined the rest of the pregnancy for me and felt the way you do - how can everyone be so happy during pregnancy while I am hurting?  I now have anxiety going into the AS this time around.  I never knew how many things can go wrong during pregnancy until I was pregnant.  Once I started opening up to people about my bad AS, others shared their stories.  The same thing happened when my sister had her MC.  She never knew it was so common until she opened up about it and found out many people she knows have had one as well.  All that to say, even though it seems we may all be happy and having great pregnancies, that may not be the case even though it is the perception.  I probably would have stopped posting last pregnancy had I been on this board, so I am glad you are able to work through your anxiety and are back.  I hope we can all provide you with the support you need.

attorneyworkproduct

Welcome back! Glad you are getting the support you need to work though your anxiety.

I definitely agree with @heelsidehero that just by nature, your always go to have some of the “social media” element, which makes it easy to feel like everyone is having a happy easy time. 

kat11223344

So glad to see you back! You've been in my thoughts- I'm so glad to know baby is healthy, though sorry it's been rough for you. 

MissusTexas

You have been through so much I can understand why you needed some time. Remember you’re not the only one dealing with challenges so I hope you do feel like you can find support here. Big hugs to you!

Cricket648

@justsuzie Normally I just lurk this board (as awesome as you ladies seem, I feel like I don't have enough time to contribute in a meaningful way), but your post really hit home for me, so I thought I'd share. Almost 8 years ago I was finally diagnosed with Celiac Disease, which was a huge blessing, becasue for 5 years before that I couldn't eat without getting violently ill. Eating caused a great deal of anxiety for me, as well. I was in college at the time, and had a mental map of all of the bathrooms on campus that were likely to be empty at any given time (that sounds insane, but a huge part of my life was worrying about being sick, and actually being sick). I wasn't pregnant at the time, so I can't say that I know what you're going through, becasue I'm sure being pregnant adds a whole new layer to what you're feeling right now, but if you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me! I at least know what it's like adjusting to a new, more restricted diet (even though yours sounds quite different from mine), what the anxiety around eating feels like, and how frustrating/hurtful it can be when people who don't know what you're going through comment on your eating habits or weight. 
Anyway, I wish you the best on luck throughout the rest of your pregnancy, and FX your symptoms get better after you deliver!   

justsuzie

Again, thanks all.  The support is heartwarming. 

@Cricket648 Thanks for the thoughtful response.  I was in NYC 2 weeks ago and was panicked about the trip because of the bathroom situation.  Someone could really make a fortune on an app showing where there are public bathrooms!

edit-speelllinnng error 

theletlers

I'm glad to hear that everything with baby girl is alright even though it's been hard on you. I'm also glad you did what you had to do for you. Let us know if there's anything you need that we can help with at any point! Hugs! 

Kendrajos

Missed ya hun! I was wondering where you were and hoping you were ok. I feel a lil bad saying this but you are not alone in counting down till your pregnancy is over. I hate being pregnant. So many ppls I know how easy pregnancies, i don't. I am in a lot of physical pain and have been for awhile, my pelvis separates way too early. It's definitely not the same issue as IBS but I understand the stress, pain, anxiety and waiting for it all to be over. The baby is worth it. most days I can't stomach checking daily anymore. I am not exciting so try to check in at least every couple days unless my app or phone is having issues

justsuzie

@Kendrajos Thanks, I think it is a common misconception that pregnancy is a joyful experience.  The more people I tell about how it is very much the opposite for me genuinely seemed shocked.  I think that some feel like it is a blessing to be pregnant and they don't want others to think that they aren't grateful. 

cups4

I think it may be an older generation thing too, to assume we are all just glowing and basking in it. If you ask how I am, I'm going to be honest. I'm tired, my uterus fucking hurts, and I was throwing up for 14 weeks. Even in my polite state, I'm going to tell you it's been rough. We feel you, girl. @justsuzie

Kendrajos

Yes! Pregnancy is not fun! It can take a physical and emotional toll on you. I am glad you are feeling better about the group and talking about things.