UO 12/7

sandbar517

Let's hear your unpopular opinion today.....

sandbar517

Mine isn't awesome for today, but it's all I can come up with right now.  I hate Seinfeld.  I find it so annoying and not the least bit funny.  

mileswithmyles

@sandbar517 me, too. I don’t enjoy it at all. 

silverhope

@sandbar517 I initially felt that way (I especially disliked George bc I feel like he is a bad person, so all of his problems were his own fault), but DH is OBSESSED with Seinfeld. So now I've watched enough that I find it funny (plus I lived in NYC for a while and can relate to some of their annoyances). I still think most of the characters are selfish/not very good people, but I now find them amusing to watch. (However, I can't get into Curb Your Enthusiasm bc I think he is even more terrible than George though. I tried. Couldn't do it.)

My UO is that I give advice to my single girlfriends to settle for a nice guy. I don't believe in "the one." 

ivyvines6

@silverhope I give the advice to quit hoping another person is going to make you happy. Not very popular with most people.

bjkay22

On the topic of TV shows I absolutely hate “How I Met Your Mother.” I appreciate how creative the narrative thread is but that’s about it. I’ve actually watched almost every episode of the show because everyone loves it but I just can’t like it. Barney is so over the top, he’s like an awful cartoon. Ted is the worst. Robin is trying way too hard to be the “cool girl” stereotype. It’s just not my jam. 

ivyvines6

UO: In person friends are overrated.

gildah

I give the advice to marry the man who knocks your socks off. I have a lot of friends who settled for the nice guy and
now in their late thirties/early forties, they are bored and not attracted to their spouses. My DH is the least nice of any guy I ever dated, but I’m still extremely attracted to him and we’ve been happily married for 13 years. 
My definition of “nice” is a man who’s passive and expects you to love him
because he does nice things for you. My husband is moral and upstanding, but he doesn’t cater to my whims in hopes that I’ll love him. I’m not in anyway saying people should marry mean or abusive men. 

holli0801

I agree with @gildah... I used to agree with @silverhope, but then I did it... settled for the nice guy, the “right guy on paper” but was miserable and divorced almost immediately. My husband now isn’t perfect, but I do believe he is the person I am meant to be with. Nice guy or not, I think you have to believe it’s meant to be or at some point it will dissolve or you’ll just be secretly miserable. 

thunderberry

@gildah@silverhope I think I'd have to side with silverhope on this one! I definitely have dated guys that I had more "sizzle" with than my husband, but in those cases it also tended to come with more drama, more fighting, etc and I was just not as happy. Being with a guy who is just nice to me all the time, considers my feelings, and prioritizes me feels so damn good after that. The sizzle always tends to fade eventually anyway, in my experience.

However I will say I don't find my husband boring at all - we share interests, always have a good time together, and laugh a LOT. You're going to be spending a loooot of time with your spouse so I'd agree it's a bad idea to marry someone who bores you.

cups4

I think it's different for so many people.  I've dated the "bad guy" and thought he was the one and didn't care if he didn't want to treat me the way I wanted to be treated.  Then I met my H who is a nice guy, but makes my insides turn out with so much love and heat that it amazes me how nice he is and how he wanted me, a "mean girl." I really feel I lucked out with the best possible man ever, but I have friends who are not in the same place as me.  I don't feel I can give them any advice because I have none.  I met H freshman year of college by chance and it was love.  To tell someone to hold out just because I have the marriage I do, doesn't make sense, or vice versa.

theletlers

I'll just keep my UO on marriage to myself...I don't want my comments to make someone feel rejected from the Bump. 

lincbeesmom

@theletlers please share! With the lead-in that you’re not trying to make anyone feel rejected  and it’s just your opinion

thunderberry

 @theletlers I feel rejected by your refusal to share your view on this!!

ivyvines6

I’ve been in a lot of different places on the marriage spectrum opinion wise anyway. At the end of the day what works for me is not going to work for other people, and that’s ok. We’ve been married for only like five minutes, but we’ve been together for over five years, living together for almost all of that time. He is the perfect match for me, but we won’t be winning any romcom nominations any time soon. We get along because we both tend to hate the same things, enjoy the same things, view the world similarly (or positively comparably at times) and want to raise children in the same style. He’s brilliant, but down to earth. At the same time he tends to be a pompous asshole, and doesn’t put up with my bullshit. He’s someone I can grow with, and become a better person with, and that to me is more important that “spark” or “in love” is. Because while I love my husband, I’m not always “in love” with him, and I know he feels the same way. It’s less important to us to chase that fleeting feeling, than build a foundation of stability between two people. 

Not even sure sure if I had a point when I started typing this, because I definitely lost it along the way...

charlestonchew

I married the funny guy. *shrug*

ivyvines6

I think my point was that excitement is fun in the beginning, but not as important in the long run.

charlestonchew

I always find it odd when people get divorced and remarried to the same person. That might be a UO.

bjkay22

I don’t think there’s a way to tell people how to marry. For some people they have to have a little sizzle/drama or whatever you want to call it to make it work for them. I think for others that feeling of sizzle/drama can tire them out. For me I knew my husband was right for me because it was always easy and fun. I never hesitated to say yes to moving in, getting engaged, or getting married. We want similar things from life and he makes me so happy. He’s a best friend and a husband. I have friends who are happily married but their husband isn’t their best friend and I think that’s ok too. Marriage is long and each person has to find the right mixture of what works for them.

bjkay22

As I was typing my reply @ivyvines6 basically said the same thing. 

silverhope

@ivyvines6 I agree. I think a lot of what my friends are chasing is that passionate feeling of infatuation, which fades over time. 

I have a very similar experience to @thunderberry

thunderberry

 I'm amused that our UO threads always turn into meaningful and respectful discussions about values and life choices, instead of the bitch fight it's meant to be.

lincbeesmom

thunderberry said:

 I'm amused that our UO threads always turn into meaningful and respectful discussions about values and life choices, instead of the bitch fight it's meant to be.

Haha seriously 

gildah

Of course there isn’t a one size fits all for marriage or any long term partnership. I just don’t think people should “settle” for someone. It’s not like buying a house! You can’t change someone after you get married! If you enjoy being with you SO you’re doing something right. If you married him or her because he or she is good enough and is “nice” and your friends and parents like him or her, I think it could be a problem. Then again, I have met people who marry for convenience and go into it knowing that they will never have a soulmate marriage, and 
are really happy. Everyone is different in what they want! I’m a hopeless romantic and not terribly practical, so I’m probably the last person who should give marital advice LOL

theletlers

Sorry, this got long!!
I have a lot of thoughts on marriage. But I guess I think marriage is boring. Marry someone that you can sit on the couch next to, eat dinner with, and sleep next to and neither of you don't really have to talk. Sure you want to be able to speak with each other and rely on each other. But  I don't think being in love with someone is the same as marrying someone and loving them. There's absolutely no excuse for an abusive relationship and if there is any form of abuse GTF out of it now. But I think too often people get bored in marriage and think its not working when they need to realize that is part of marriage. You will go through times that are super boring. And then probably after that a period where you are hurt or angry about being bored. I can't speak for everyone or their spouses, but I have seen a lot of people in my life that cheat and divorce or start gambling, drinking, or just end up so miserably married because they don't really put in enough effort to do things for each other. Marriage isn't just about being happy to me, it's about the commitment I very knowingly and willingly made to stay together in the good times and bad, richer or poorer, sickness and health. 
I will say that DH's family has very much so shaped this attitude with MIL on marriage number five and FIL divorced three times. FIL was left all three times and probably would never have asked for any of the divorces. But MIL left 3 out of 4 herself and the fourth one she pushed the guy so hard to make him be the bad guy. She is very selfish in relationships and always expects the guy to do everything for her. She wants to be pampered and cared for completely. With husband four she actually made him take his own daughter who was in college to court to pay her off so that he wouldn't keep making her tuition payments and rent because she changed her major a few times. The guy and his first wife had agreed they would pay both of those while the kids attended school. But MIL wanted him to spend his money taking her on trips. Neither of his daughters were welcome in their home either. That's just one example. For her, once that lustful honeymoon phase is over she starts to get bored and just leaves because she thinks they aren't compatible. One of my sisters on the other hand got pregnant at 18 and they got married  when the baby was about 10 months old. five years and two more kids later he was gambling most of their money away, cheating on her, ignoring the kids and they were fighting so much that it was just such an unhealthy relationship and brought out the worst sides of each other. She remarried a few years later and had two more kids and is very happily married to a man who loves her older three as much as his own two biological children. 
I guess I think there is a time and a place for divorce but I've seen a lot of people just rush into the marriage and then get surprised when it's not working out for them. Like I said though, there is a time and a place and not every marriage will work out for people. There is a level of unhappiness that should warrant a divorce. Or as I said, abuse get out as quickly as you possibly can.  There are also some that just reach a point where neither person is willing to budge on a major issue and leads to distrust. But IMO, (and just my opinion) if people would take a little more time in the courting process they could have found out at least some of these answers. Or at least realized that people usually won't change on their big feelings i.e. having kids, who pays the bills, religion etc. I've just seen it too often with family as well as friends where they assumed things would change down the line. And in one case with a friend they just refused to talk about religion while dating since they differed in faith and then it became a huge issue after being married. Some divorces can be avoided by discussion prior to marriage. Not all, but some. And some marriages could be saved by discussions with each other or a counselor or therapist or religious leader. 
I'll see if I can find the article I read a few years ago that said if you have a child under five you shouldn't get divorced (unless an obvious exception.) But basically it was saying that the amount of stress both parents are under mentally, physically, emotionally, financially is hard. And we tend to take that out on our spouse the most. If money is tight we usually criticize how much the other is bringing to the table or how much they spend. Or if you're overly tired and hungry we tend to blame the other spouse for not helping more. Parenting is hard. Some days are harder than others. But in the same way marriage is hard. I don't think it's something we should take lightly. And too often I think we expect our spouse to make us happy instead of taking responsibility for our own unhappiness. If you want to go out more often with each other don't just sit around and wait for the guy to plan a date. Make the plans yourself. Or if you are bored with your life, take up a hobby. Don't just passively blame your own unhappiness on a boring part of marriage. 
I'm sorry/not sorry if this offended anyone. I realize each situation is different and we are all entitled to our own marriage. And that anyone who has been divorced had their own situation. DH and I have been married for 7 years now. And not all of those were happy times. There have always been happy moments though. And in between the good and the bad a lot of boring days and months. To me, working, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, sleeping, watching TV, etc. are not overly exciting things. Sure sometimes you have a funny story to share from an experience. But mostly life is boring. That's what makes the exciting things exciting. So we will endure the rough patches and enjoy the good ones. But mostly we will sit contently bored next to each other and give a boring peck before leaving for work or going to bed. I will come home to him and he will come home to me. Because that's what we promised to do in front of all of our friends and family members. This is just what I feel based on my own experience and what I have witnessed in the people around me. 
Again sorry I wrote the longest f***king post ever!

lincbeesmom

@theletlers I actually agree with you and kind of reassured me that not every marriage is like the the ones you see on Instagram or Facebook. I’m terrible about comparing myself to others but always end up realizing that he’s the one for me even with our ups and downs. 

bjkay22

Yes I agree with you @theletlers. I think like @lincbeesmom said, social media has made modern couples thing they need to be constantly doing something worthy of showing off. No one wants to post about the boring stuff that fills a lot of time. That’s not to say boring things are bad, but they aren’t Instagram friendly. I’ve only been married a year so I know I don’t have a ton of perspective but this is why we chose to live together for 4 years before getting married. I’m not saying everyone has to be that way, but my mom has had two terrible marriages because she rushed into them and didn’t really know the other person. 

kpc914

@ivyvines6 I totally agree! I definitely wouldn't call my husband a "nice" guy...he calls me out of my BS....but, I would say he's such a good guy. Especially compared to all of his old Army buddies. We don't have the most sizzling attraction for each other or intense physical passion....but, we have also been together for 15 years, so I am not looking for that butterfly feeling. 

I think everyone is looking for something different in their partnership because we are all such different people. Nothing wrong with that. But, I will say...I personally prioritize a lot of other aspects of my relationship over that physical attraction/sizzle. As far as intimacy goes, he knows what I like and that's enough for me. 

@charlestonchew my aunt and uncle remarried each other! They had three kids together in their early twenties and I think they just weren't ready to have their forever together, yet. My uncle was a bit immature and my extended family was way too involved in their relationship. They divorced for 13 years, had kids with other people, and then remarried. They were together, with all 6 kids under the same roof until my uncle passed away from lung cancer. I totally get what you are saying, and it's hard for me to comprehend wanting to be with someone you divorced....but, sometimes the timing just isn't right and they each need to find themselves as an individual before they can be partners. 

ivyvines6

@charlestonchew my parents divorced each other when I was about 2, my dad married someone else and divorced her, then they remarried each other when I was about six, and have been together since. 

doraleigh35

@theletlers thank you for sharing that, I agree with a lot of what you said. DH and I both come from divorced homes. I look at our parents and wonder why they ever got married in the first place. Mind definitely should not have. Marriage is something DH and I are protective of and we tend to keep the inner workings of our relationship to ourselves.

Comparing a relationship to others is never fair to yourself, you don't really know what is going on behind closed doors. I've planned 250+ weddings over the past 8 years and I've worked with all kinds of couples. TBH there were couples I thought would never make it and are still married 5 years later. Then there are couples who seemed so perfect and were divorced in less than 6 months. 

@ivyvines6 well said! DH and I are total opposites. He was not my "type" at all, I actually didn't like him at first. Thankfully, I saw past my own judgments. He is a musclehead jock and I'm a nerdy bookworm. Turns out he is a better man than I could have ever expected. I wouldn't label him as "nice", but he has strong morals, goals and is an amazing family man. We are partners and I appreciate that a lot. We hold each other accountable and it's been working for the past 14 years. I think everyone has different expectations out of marriage and relationships. My Grandfather has waited on my Grandmother hand and foot every day of their relationship. She is so dependent on him which is not my style, but it works for them.

holli0801

So off topic but part of @theletlers response made me think of this quote I love...

theletlers

@holli0801 I love that! I just get so frustrated with my own MIL that sometimes I think I'm too harsh on divorce. I know that not all marriages are perfect. And I think everyone deserves to be happy. But sometimes (not always as @ivyvines6 and @kpc914 can attest!) people don't realize the damage they can do by constantly searching for that happily ever after. Both for themselves and those around them. They set such high standards that another person could t possibly reach and then think their spouse is failing and a poor partner when really they need to maybe be more realistic about what they really need and should expect from someone. 

Edit: also thanks. I wasn't really sure how unpopular this would be and prepared myself for some flames! And then I would have cried and said how mean everyone is!! Lol!!

kpc914

@theletlers I couldn't agree with your post more! You are speaking to my soul and I may actually shed a few tears! I LOVE my boring life with my husband. I think, as mentioned above, with social media it's easy to question whether your comfortable, "boring," marriage, is normal/healthy....but, then you realize that what people are posting on their social media is not real life.If you plan to be with someone for the rest of your life....you have to be ok with the down time. You can't be doing exciting things, having engaging conversations, etc. 24/7. 

kpc914

Also.... the July18 UO thread is going to turn into a pro and anti-vaccine discussion any moment now, and I can't wait to watch the drama. 

bjkay22

@kpc914 yes!! I’ve been stalking it since the girl said she was anti vaccine waiting on the fun! 

kpc914

@bjkay22 yep! Vaccines caused her thyroid cancer. /s

ivyvines6

Things antivaxxers say is one of my favorite pages of all time on Facebook.

bjkay22

Ok so here’s an UO inspired by July (actually it should be UO but who knows):

I think not vaccinating your kids is dumb unless they can’t be vaccinated due to allergies or whatever. I also think it’s dumb when all these idiots on Facebook complain about vaccines and then I see they take their kids to McDonald’s for lunch like 3 times a week. If you think vaccines are toxic and not fried fast food you are the worst. 

Sidenote: I love fast food and eat it too often. But I don’t pretend to be like a crazy health conscious person therefore depriving my children of medical attention and then feed them chicken nuggets and orange pop. Pick a lane y’all. 

theletlers

I was reading it earlier. But I hadn't seen a comment yet about not doing it. I'll be checking it out for sure. I'm with ya @ivyvines6

mamaimmoos

My UO is off the main topic today but it's been annoying me so here goes.  The (usually FTM) that spouts the "know your choices, make the best decision for you, no decision is wrong" blah blah blah and then, in the next sentence, tells you how her decision to home birth/drug free/midwife....is the best and ONLY POSSIBLE WAY TO GIVE BIRTH because hospitals and doctors are bad.  I am all for you choosing the way you give birth.  If you can do a drug free home birth, you go girl! If you are scheduling your c-section, woohoo, power to you sister!  But don't tell me "know your options and make the best choice for you" and in the next breath tell me how cold and unfriendly and unsupportive my birth will be because it's with an OB in a hospital.  My OB has literally saved my life and knows me inside and out.  So yes, make the best choice for you but don't put me down for my choices just because they are different.

Sorry that turned into more of a rant than I expected it  

kpc914

@bjkay22 i couldn't agree more. unless you have a legit medical reason for not being vaccinated, there is no reason that you shouldn't be vaccinated. I am so tired of people saying that it is a matter of opinion. No.... it's a matter of science. The benefits of vaccines completely outweigh the risk (vaccines don't cause cancer). Vaccines save lives, and the more people who vaccinate the healthier our community is. Do your part and be a respsonsible human being. There are people out there who legitimately cannot be vaccinated who would do anything to be able to have those vaccines. Don't be selfish. 

@mamaimmoos preach!