WWYD- Carrier vs IVF?

lablover78

So you prob saw my lengthy check-in regarding my friend who had offered to be a carrier (I’ll call her Jane) but then my dr agreed to try IVF with me... well I had dinner with a mutual friend tonight and she told me that Jane was feeling empty after I found out about IVF and called another friend of hers who ended up adopting asking if she had any embryos left and wanted to try for a 3rd (she didn’t). While I haven’t spoken to Jane directly I am feeling so conflicted. I am not at all attached to pregnancy. I just desperately want a child. DH will not adopt. Is it selfish for me to ask Jane to be our carrier even though I could do IVF? I trust her body much more than my own and am terrified of only getting a limited amount of embryos and being SOL if none implant in me. I’m 39...my head is spinning. My only hesitations are that she has a family, career & im concerned about how it will impact her health...,but if this is something she feels she is being pulled to do... any input is greatly appreciated. I have trouble asking someone for a ride to he airport so this is on a whole other level for me.

tops-2

Ooh that's a really tough one. I don't envy you for making this choice.
Personally I would choose IVF, but that is because I desperately want to feel what it is like to be pregnant. If you're not attached to the idea of pregnancy in itself I'd probably say look into the carrier idea.
Although something that concerned me a little from your post is that when she thought she wasn't going to carry for you she immediately went to another person. Is she doing this because she wants to help you, or because she wants to be pregnant again? Or even that she wants another child, and she thinks this will fill her needs?

Sorry, I probably haven't been too helpful here. I guess it's a choice only you and your hubby can make. Perhaps write up a pros and cons list to help see an overview of your options?

hoffmanr7

That is definitely a tough one.  Similar to @tops-2, I don't know if I would choose to do a carrier if I could try IVF.  I think I would always have the "what if" if I didn't at least try it.  I don't think at this point I absolutely feel like I have to actually carry a baby but I think I would have a really difficult time watching another woman carry my child when I knew there had been a chance I might have been able to carry myself and didn't at least try it.

As @tops-2 also said...the fact that she said she "felt empty" and immediately went to ask another person about carrying a baby for them kind of threw up a bit of a red flag for me.  I would think if she was doing this for you, she would be happy that you had another option to consider.  It is very generous of her to offer to do it, but this is about you...not her and filling whatever void she seems to be trying to fill.  In the end, you have to do what you and your husband feel is best for the both of you.

I think the first thing you should really do is talk to her directly.  Discuss her feelings on all of it, your feelings on all of it, why you may want to consider IVF.  I hope this has helped some.

lablover78

Both of your responses have really helped ladies. Planning on talking to her today. I think I struggle because my trust in my own body is so low right now and this is our one shot - I want to give our future baby the best possible chance.

halfanewt

@lablover78 I second what the other ladies have said. Incredibly sweet offer, wondering about her reasons. Hope your conversation went well today! 

lablover78

Hi ladies, thanks for the input! It was a great conversation & as long as her dr and husband are on board we are going to move forward with her. I cant stop feeling like the universe is providing me a gift that I shouldn’t ignore. 

tops-2

Awesome Good luck! Keep us updated

hoffmanr7

I'm glad the talk went well and good luck!!  

halfanewt

How exciting! Glad it went well  

BWhitta

This is really exciting and moving...I can’t wait to see how this goes!!!!!!!!

lablover78

You girls are the best! Still haven’t heard back from my friend to see how her husband reacted.... I was feeling really calm like either way it will be fine but I’m getting a little anxious and we are going to see them at a xmas party tonight. Um hey can you pass me a drink & btw how are you feeling about letting your wife carry my unborn child?