First time moms, long distance families?

lynne2018

Hello, I am due in May with the first child for me and my husband. Our families are so excited, everyone loves babies!!! We live 8 hour drive from his parents and siblings and 24 hour drive from my parents, siblings, and all my extended family (we live 5 hours from nearest airport that takes direct flight to our parents, we always drive as his parents are "on the way" to mine, too). There are some interesting dynamics because my parents are emotionally closer to us, visit us more and consistently (ever since I moved far away, they always visited 2-3 times a year and enjoyed where I was location wise and in life) and this is their first grandchild! They were already planning to visit in spring and in summer with my grandma before knowing of baby.  My husband's parents did not give us the time of day pre-pregnancy. Last visit was over a year since previous (and we bought a farm in that year, very exciting!), they play favorites with his sisters who have children, they are THE grandparents to their grand kids (unlimited access, rude about other grandparents, etc). There are many examples that I won't go into here about how unfairly they treat my husband and hurt his feelings (and he is a very loyal, sweet son) and also how they guilt us living far and make it seem like we're SO far when my family is 3X that. Now they are doing a 180 because a baby is expected in spring. I cannot stand the thought of his parents becoming overbearing. They are close enough to be here more on a whim than my parents can. The in laws want us to keep traveling to them for all holidays, which we usually do with them being the closet family. But I foresee that I will want my work breaks at home with my family. I already do without a child here, plus the whole farm care thing! I'm already feeling guilty that I most likely won't see my grandma or most of my family, who is very dear to me, during my pregnancy or baby's early life due to work and travel (we only get to visit in summer) and that my parents could not just leave and be here when I go into labor, while his parents most likely could. Husband is aware of all this and agrees with most of my feelings on his parents, but he also gets sucked in or feels bad for how we are planning to set boundaries more so with his parents than mine. First because the differences in distance/travel and also how they treat us. Is anyone in a similar situation? Long distance from family with mixed emotions on family dynamics? 

meggyme

lynne2018 said:

Hello, I am due in May with the first child for me and my husband. Our families are so excited, everyone loves babies!!! We live 8 hour drive from his parents and siblings and 24 hour drive from my parents, siblings, and all my extended family (we live 5 hours from nearest airport that takes direct flight to our parents, we always drive as his parents are "on the way" to mine, too). There are some interesting dynamics because my parents are emotionally closer to us, visit us more and consistently (ever since I moved far away, they always visited 2-3 times a year and enjoyed where I was location wise and in life) and this is their first grandchild! They were already planning to visit in spring and in summer with my grandma before knowing of baby.  My husband's parents did not give us the time of day pre-pregnancy. Last visit was over a year since previous (and we bought a farm in that year, very exciting!), they play favorites with his sisters who have children, they are THE grandparents to their grand kids (unlimited access, rude about other grandparents, etc). There are many examples that I won't go into here about how unfairly they treat my husband and hurt his feelings (and he is a very loyal, sweet son) and also how they guilt us living far and make it seem like we're SO far when my family is 3X that. Now they are doing a 180 because a baby is expected in spring. I cannot stand the thought of his parents becoming overbearing. They are close enough to be here more on a whim than my parents can. The in laws want us to keep traveling to them for all holidays, which we usually do with them being the closet family. But I foresee that I will want my work breaks at home with my family. I already do without a child here, plus the whole farm care thing! I'm already feeling guilty that I most likely won't see my grandma or most of my family, who is very dear to me, during my pregnancy or baby's early life due to work and travel (we only get to visit in summer) and that my parents could not just leave and be here when I go into labor, while his parents most likely could. Husband is aware of all this and agrees with most of my feelings on his parents, but he also gets sucked in or feels bad for how we are planning to set boundaries more so with his parents than mine. First because the differences in distance/travel and also how they treat us. Is anyone in a similar situation? Long distance from family with mixed emotions on family dynamics? 

Don’t borrow trouble. You’re worrying about things that haven’t happened yet. When the time comes you’ll deal with it then.

As for long distance family, I live across the country from both our families. It’s a financial and time commitment to visit, so it doesn’t happen often, but when it does I do my best to split the time 50/50. The rest of the time we make up with a weekly video chat to both sets of grandparents. That really helps. Good luck.

muggle621

Why should you reward them for past bad behavior?  What goes around comes around. If they are willing to put in the effort to come to you then I think you should let them visit sometimes, but certainly don't go through any extra trouble to appease them just because all of the sudden they are interested. 

helenbz

I like what @meggyme said, don’t borrow trouble. 

Families are complicated. Long distance families can be more so. My family are spread out all over the world (My immediate family: myself, my parents and siblings, currently span 16 time zones). My sister is due in April and I’m due with our first baby in June. We could focus on all the ins and outs and potential problems but I’ve learned that that is so so unhelpful. I figure out my own boundaries, figure out when/where we want to and can go visit, invite others to visit if they are able and relax about the rest. If the relationships are problematic, we’ll make our boundaries really clear and enjoy family as best we can. For me to enjoy visiting my home country the most, I politely decline the invitation from my sister to stay at her house. No drama, I just know that wouldn’t allow me to enjoy my time with her. I don’t plan on inviting drama when we have our first baby, I imagine that will be drama enough to deal with 

knottieefb4079c3a249878

Hi! I know what you mean. We live over 24 hours away from our families by car and this is our first baby. My husband’s family is very similar. I just do what’s best for us and know it’s ok. Because this is our family and we have to do what’s best for us. This will also be my parents’ first grandchild! Be strong and confident in whatever you do and whatever decisions you make as a family. And know you’re not alone!