Weekly Questions Week of 11/12

mileswithmyles

Who has questions?

mileswithmyles

Selfishly starting this one today...I'm not sure if this is a question/rant/what it is, but here we go:

DS was friends with a boy from his class the last two years.  They were pretty inseparable at school and we started hanging out with him and his family outside of school about a year ago.  The mom was getting a little clingy with me and wanting to get together every week outside of school and during summer vacation.  They ended up moving their son to another school this year, so DS and he don't see each other often anymore.  We have gotten together with them once since school started, but she texts me a lot telling me that her son is constantly talking about DS and how he misses him/wants to see him.  I feel kind of bad, because DS brought him up a few times when school started and he wasn't there, but has pretty much dropped it since August.  She texted me again this week asking to get together and that her son has been asking for DS a lot.  I was pretty honest with her when I texted back that I have really not been feeling well and that while it would be nice to get together, we are pretty busy every weekend between now and Christmas.  She texted back asking to maybe get together after school/work one day in the evening.  I haven't responded back yet.

I am trying to be nice, but I am getting frustrated.  We truly are busy on the weekends.  That's not to say we are booked every second of every weekend, but we do have "events" every weekend between now and Christmas and we also need time to do chores/housework/get ready for this baby and I don't want to be over-scheduled.  And most days, it takes everything I have in me to get through the work day and spend some time with DS and DH.  I barely get to see people who are in my "inner circle" just because life is busy.  I feel like that sounds mean, but in the long run, they are never going to go to the same school again because of where we both live, AND, this is the kicker, he isn't vaccinated so he can't even go to public school.  The mom is nice enough, but she isn't someone I see myself being close with in the long run due to a lot of parenting differences, and I ultimately don't know how much time and energy I want to invest in maintaining this three-year old friendship when DS doesn't seem to be upset by not seeing him anymore.  

Any ideas on how to handle this?  

sandbar517

@mileswithmyles That's really tough.  Does she know you're pregnant?  I feel like this is one of those really good times to play that card.  Otherwise, this is one of those "band-aid" situations where it's hard to be rude, but it might be better in the long run.  You don't want to keep saying, 'Maybe we can get together after the holidays/next month/after the baby comes" because that's still giving her the impression that you want to make time for her.  Do you ever see her incidentally (running into her at the store, school events, etc)?  I think it would be best to just say, "DS is making a lot of new friends and to be honest, hasn't asked about [boy] in a few months, so I think it's best if he focuses his time on the friends he'll see more often."  Hmmm does that sound rude?  I don't know, that is really a hard situation.

mileswithmyles

@sandbar517 she knows that I am pregnant.  There is the possibility of running in to her at stores or restaurants, but definitely not at school.  The boys are zoned for totally different elementary/middle/high schools, unless one of us moves.  

Pearlvirus

I think this is a flake out situation. Just stop responding or respond after several days. 

ivyvines6

I would just stop responding... Or I’d bring up the non vaccination aspect as an excuse and leave it at that. (In my real life there are certain families that we don’t interact with often because of their anti vaccination stance. I do make an exception for friends who’s children have had legit adverse reactions but I’m mistrustful of people who use the term “vaccine damage.”

mileswithmyles

@ivyvines6 I didn't find out about the vaccination issue until recently and my eyes almost popped out of my head.  They think he has some kind of an auto-immune problem.  They haven't really been able to diagnose it, but the labels they have been through in the last year include lupus and juvenile arthritis.  I know that those issues can sometimes cause pediatricians to delay vaccines, but he's 3.5 and he hasn't had anything since before he turned 1, I think.  I'm not sure if that's normal if it's a parental choice, but some of the treatment options they have pursued with their son for the autoimmune issues are on the list of reasons why I ultimately don't think I am interested in a friendship with them.  It's just not something I can get on board with. 

I think I am going to avoid her, which I know is terrible.  She texted me back again saying to let her know if an evening would work sometime soon to get dinner or maybe after the holidays.  I am tempted to respond back with something like, "The medication I am on for HG makes me very sleepy and makes it very hard for me to do much of anything other than go to work right now."

curleemama32

I'm editing this because I'm a dummy and posted a wtfw on this thread!! So I'm moving it over there!! Sorry!!

rachelg777

@mileswithmyles I hate situations like that, boo. I think the "The medication I am on for HG makes me very sleepy and makes it very hard for me to do much of anything other than go to work right now." is perfect. If she faults you for that then she can just take a hike anyways.

Ceridwen77

@mileswithmyles do you just want to cut ties with this person or are you just feeling overwhelmed until you get through the holidays? I wasn’t really clear on what your motivation is. If it’s the former then I’d just probably say you are very busy and will let her know when you’re free and then just move on (but I wonder why you wouldn’t want to get together ever unless she’s a real creeper or it’s the vaccine thing? The vaccine thing would be enough for me to call it quits).

If you’re just busy then schedule a date out in January or February once things calm down. Then at least it’s set up, so she will stop annoying you. 

mileswithmyles

@Ceridwen77  it’s kinda both... She’s not a real creeper, she’s just not someone I see myself being good friends with and DS doesn’t really seem to miss her son, so it’s not even like I’m making him miss out on something he wants. The vaccine thing does bother me a lot. 

suchaglencoco

I would just be honest and let her know that with your sons being in different schools and you preparing for a new baby, you just don't have the time or energy to hang out. If she pushes it, I'd just tell her "it's not me, it's you". Just kidding, that'd be rude, but I think it's better to bite the bullet moreso now or you may keep going on this merry go round.

tincupchalice

Yeah, if you don't want to hang out, then say so.  Don't string her along.

ivyvines6

Haha wrong thread, whoops! How you guys doing?

thunderberry

I'm gonna be honest, the breast pump thread is super useful but also weirding me out a little to think of having to do that regularly. My question is, for those STM+s who were home for the first year, is pumping still something you did a lot of? Not sure how much it's worth to invest if I'll only pump rarely.

mileswithmyles

@thunderberry I was home for about 3 months and I used the pump then, but not as frequently. It was nice to have to use in preparation for date nights or nights out with friends. 

lincbeesmom

@thunderberry my son wouldn’t latch for the first two months of his life so having the pump was a godsend. Once he started breastfeeding regularly, I didn’t use it as much but it was nice to have if someone was watching him for us and it was free so it really wasn’t a big deal to just get one. 

fraufarbissina

@thunderberry I needed the pump the very first day my milk came in because my boobs were so engorged that my daughter couldn't latch.  I used the pump to empty out just a little bit of milk and then my boobs were soft enough to get a good latch.  You could do this by hand too but I didn't have any luck that way.

It was also handy to have the pump at home to build up a good freezer milk supply.  We can get free pumps through insurance in the US (thanks Obama) so it makes sense to get one.  Not sure how it works in Canada (that's where you are, right?)

ivyvines6

@thunderberry You absolutely don’t have to have a pump if you’re planning on staying home. It came in handy for us on the one night a week I teach, and for date nights. We also started letting J stay overnight at our parent’s houses pretty early on (around nine months I think) and having frozen milk was absolutely necessary for that. My sister never could get my niece to take a bottle though, and I actually ended up nursing her at one point because she had developed severe mastitis. She uses her frozen milk for baby food. I used my leftover milk for random cooking.

oywiththepoodlesalready

@thunderberry for me having the pump was a must as DD would not latch and I ended up exclusively pumping. As has been said they are covered by insurance in the US so it makes sense just to get one. If it isn't covered by insurance where you live then they are easy enough to pick up if you relize that you need or want one. 

tincupchalice

thunderberry said:

I'm gonna be honest, the breast pump thread is super useful but also weirding me out a little to think of having to do that regularly. My question is, for those STM+s who were home for the first year, is pumping still something you did a lot of? Not sure how much it's worth to invest if I'll only pump rarely.

I SAH, my kids are EBF, and have a lot of difficulty taking a bottle.  You'll still have to pump some if you want to ever leave your child for more than 90 minutes or so that first year.  Since almost all insurance currently covers a breast pump, might as well get one.  My insurance didn't cover the first time, so I just got a cheap single electric and a manual and that was okay to get what I needed, but the double electric was covered for me last time and it was way easier to use.

thunderberry

Yeah, as far as I'm aware it's not covered by insurance here, so it would be an expense for us. But maybe I will register for one since it seems like it could be useful. Thanks!

mileswithmyles

@thunderberry, you could always buy a manual pump.  They are a lot less money if you feel like you wouldn't use it that often.  I have also hear of people buying the pump second hand and then replacing all the parts, such as the horns, tubes, etc.  The parts don't tend to cost as much.  

abbykm7

@thunderberry I pumped after feeds to build a supply because my little guy was 37 weeks and in the NICU the first 5 days and then I kept pumping after feeds to build a freezer stash. You don’t have to do it every feed as that would give you an oversupply, but occasionally just to have a little. 

We we started giving a bottle once every couple of days after he was about 10 days old and breast feeding was established. I would take a nap or get my toes done etc. and my husband or grandma would feed him. My husband loved it as usually he only got to do the diapers so it helped him bond.  i had friends who never introduced a bottle and then when they did need to leave their baby for something after months of only boob the baby wouldn’t take a bottle and literally didn’t eat for hours on end and try spent tons of money on all different types of bottles. Since we did it randomly and rarely i never had “nipple confusion” issues but he was always a willing bottle taker. Could also be just that he loooves milk in any form he can get it.  It’s one thing I unknowingly did right with my first and highly recommend it. 

doraleigh35

@thunderberry do you have supplemental insurance with a health spending account? Some plans will cover pumps or partially cover. I had bought a manual pump, but then DD came 4 weeks early and we did 2 weeks in the NICU and she came home on bottles. It took 6 weeks to get her to be EBF. I ended up getting a Medela PISA instead. You can always get a manual and then upgrade if needed. Do you live close to a US border? Pumps are way cheaper down there (even with exchange) and often on sale.

kat11223344

When I was home for the summer it was really useful- I'd pump every night before I went to bed so I'd have extra. Then if I went on errands or out or something I didn't have to worry cause DH could give a bottle if necessary.

abhphilly

Anyone else due at the beginning of the month really self conscious that the baby can hear you now? I keep thinking “Oh man, was my voice totally annoying just then?” or “Is baby hearing that crazy person on the train?” Lol. 

Pearlvirus

I SAH and still liked having a pump. I think the best way to avoid both nipple confusion and bottle refusal is to breast feed only directly for 3-4 weeks, then pump and bottle feed at least a few times a week whether or not you are around. With my first I did not do this and like others have said, getting a break (for any reason) for more than and hour or two is really hard with a baby that won’t take a bottle. Luckily she loved solids and by 9/10 months would drink a sippy cup of pumped milk. But it sucked.

sandbar517

@abhphilly Yes!  Every time I yell at my daughters, I imagine baby in there thinking, Man! I'm staying in here as long as possible, this bitch is crazy!!! LOL