TTCAL - Week of 10/30

offtoneverland

This is a general trigger warning that CP, miscarriage / spontaneous abortion, selective abortion due to medical complications, and / or stillbirth may be mentioned.** 

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.
Status:

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

GTKY: What is your favorite kind of Halloween candy? 

offtoneverland

Hope no one minds that I started this 2 weeks in a row! Also sorry for the kind of lame GTKY. It's so hard to think of good ones sometimes! 

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. Two early losses--one in August, one in October.

Status: Benched for one cycle.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Overall things are going well, but I just watched a TV show where someone found out that she was pregnant and it made me really sad. Sometimes I feel kind of weird being sad about it since my losses happened really early and maybe I shouldn't really be upset since I only knew I was pregnant for a couple of days. But like I said last week, I just didn't expect it to happen twice, which is I think what's bothering me most about it this time. Also I think I'm coming down with a cold! Boo! But I only have a half day of work tomorrow before we head off to NYC for the rest of the week (DH is going to a conference for work, but I'll just be hanging around the city while he's working)! So I'm really looking forward to that. Curious to see what Manhattan is like on Halloween.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? I was supposed to get my last HCG blood draw today, but I forgot. I'll try to do it tomorrow before we head out for NYC.

GTKY: What is your favorite kind of Halloween candy? I'm really partial to Milky Way. I love caramel! I'm also a huge fan of Starbursts.  

kindbytealikat

@offtoneverland you pain and sadness is valid. It doesn’t matter how early the loss occurred that baby was your child, even if only a few days.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. Early MMC in August
Status: TWW

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Mostly well, that was until this evening. My friend that is due a week after I was did her sex reveal and posted on our moms board. That was a hey this is where you’d be if you were pregnant. I may have to leave my BMB from DS1 if we don’t get pregnant soon because I don’t know that I can handle seeing these type of post and not emotionally lose it. Which makes me hurt even more because I have dear friends there that have been part of my life for over 3 years and have seen me through so much.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? 
Nada

GTKY: What is your favorite kind of Halloween candy?  Really depends on my mood. Reese’s and Starburst are probably the top. But Dots and Vanilla flavored tootsie rolls are a favorite as well.

cassafrass15

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: 3 MCs (4/08, 1/17, & 9/17) Unexplained RPL, but likely due to low AMH (poor egg quality).

Status: TWW

How are things going? I'm struggling a little bit this month. Other people's pregnancy announcements make me feel jealous and sad. I hate that this experience has robbed me of the ability to feel joy for other people who get pregnant.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Progesterone test on Friday to make sure that I ovulated.

GTKY: What is your favorite kind of Halloween candy? Hands down: Snickers. I could eat them all day, errr day.

@offtoneverland I know just how you feel about not expecting it to happen more than once. But it is NOT weird for you to feel sad even though your losses were so early. Feel all the feels. And have a blast in NYC - I've always wanted to go but haven't yet had the chance! It'll be great people watching for Halloween!

SmashJam

This is a general trigger warning that CP, miscarriage / spontaneous abortion, selective abortion due to medical complications, and / or stillbirth may be mentioned.** 

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.  Lost my daughter 5 days after birth in December 16 due to a heart defect.
Status: WTO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I mentioned in TFAS that I keep losing what CD I am on...like the cycle is going fast for me. I am doing mostly ok, but there are days when I think about my upcoming milestones that just seem hard to get past. Like, I can't think about being ok through those days. I will be...I've made it this far! But, its hard to think about. 

Any testing coming up/any recent results? No testing! Using a different OPK this month, the Clear Blue, so we'll see if that gives me a better idea of my O day.

GTKY: What is your favorite kind of Halloween candy? mini milkyway midnights. My unicorn is small packages of mini sour brite crawlers. I can never find them-I would buy them just to eat myself. I got them in a trick or treat bag once, obviously MANY years ago, and the tiny worms are just the best! I feel less guilty eating them 

offtoneverland

Thank you for the kind words @kindbytealikat @cassafrass15! You guys are the best. 
@kindbytealikat I'm so sorry that you're struggling with trying to be there for your friends but also not wanting to see their updates. That has to be so hard on you.
@cassafrass15 So sorry that you're feeling jealous and sad of others. It's such a hard place to be in. I hate feeling sad when I see pregnant women (even people I don't know!) but it's so hard not to feel envious. I hope your progesterone test goes well on Friday.
@SmashJam Big hugs to you, girl.  I wish I could say something to make it all better but there really is nothing to say. I can't imagine how hard those milestones would be for you to get past. I'm thinking about you and hope you can find a way to get through these times. 

starla

I lurked the last couple weeks and I'm ready to jump back in. 

@offtoneverland  No need to apologize! Have a great time in NY and get better soon!
@kindbytealikat Can you request that people use a TW before announcements like that?
@cassafrass15  I know what you mean about not being able to be happy for others. It's hard to separate their announcement from your sorrow. GL with your progesterone test! Also, I 100% agree on the Snickers. 
@SmashJam  So many hugs... we're here for you when her birthday comes around. 

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.
Status:
Two late first try MMC (March and August); CD16/ WTO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?
Things are OK but I broke my big toe over the weekend so that sucks. Trying to get some BD in before DH leaves on a work trip for a couple of days. 

Any testing coming up/any recent results?
Nope

GTKY: What is your favorite kind of Halloween candy? 
Snickers, Mars, Twix, fuzzy peaches, and Reese's cups

CraftyG

@offtoneverland your feelings are completely valid. I read a quote that when you have a loss you don’t just mourn the loss you mourn for all the birthdays and christmases and special moments you wold have had. You feel however you need to feel girl and have an amazing time in NY!

@kindbytealikat I think it might be a good idea to take a break from your BMB, your mental health is way more important than socialising. Also starburst for life.

@cassafrass15 I completely relate to not feeling the joy anymore, when someone else in a similar situation to me announces a pregnancy I’m immediately jealous and I hate that. 

@SmashJam *creepy internet hugs* you’re doing so well, in thinking of you!

@starla so glad you’re feeling up to coming back! Sorry about your toe, are you making your husband wait on you hand and foot? Haha

CraftyG

number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.
One loss at 13 weeks Jan 16, one at 9 weeks October 17.

Status: 
Benched

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?
I think I’m doing okay, got a bit emotional watching teen mom 2 last night when a toddler was so happy to see her dad and I just kept picturing Fi snuggling a beautiful little babe.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?
Nada

GTKY: What is your favorite kind of Halloween candy? 
We didn’t get any trick or treaters this year! Downside of moving into a flat but more sweets for me. Anything sour or malteasers.

starla

@CraftyG Thanks for the sympathy. Yes DH has been awesome about doing more stuff around the house and helping me. Can I ask why you're benched? Are you or have you had RPL testing done? I'm curious because my losses were similar to yours. We're yours missed? I'm sorry to ask so many questions. I'm just curious if you figured out the reasons for your losses. 

holly321

Itroduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. 
mmc 2/12 MMC 8/17 turned molar possible choriocarcinoma (depends which doctor you ask, lol)
Status:benched

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?
Well actually.  I stated it Benched/TTW, that my oncologist said o would have to wait possibly 1-2 years.  My OBgyn said that was crazy, and only 6 months more was necessary.  Plus, my HCG was 4!!! Yesterday which means I am negative numbers, so only 3 more rounds of chemo!
Any testing coming up/any recent results?
Hcg was 4, HCG again in a few days.
GTKY: What is your favorite kind of Halloween candy?   Reeses pumpkins

Posting and ghosting until this evening!

CraftyG

@starla he’s sounds like a keeper! No that’s absolutely fine, tbh my doctor hasn’t really let on that it’s something he’s concerned about. He’s taken the stance that because I’m young and in general good health, 24 now and first loss was at 22, that he’s not worried about it. My last loss was only 3 weeks ago so he wants me to regulate for a cycle or two before TTC again. The first one was missed and the second was ‘sterotypical’? Spotting for a week before, lack of symptoms etc.

Do you mind if I ask if you’ve had testing done? And if so when they decided to do it or did you push for it etc?

cassafrass15

@offtoneverland @CraftyG and @starla Thanks for making me feel less alone (and less bitter/crazy) in my jealousy of pregnant women!

@holly321 choriocarcinoma sounds scary AF. Hooray for a only few more chemo treatments! And omg how could I forget about Reese's?! YUM.

starla

@CraftyG Thank you so much for sharing!

My midwife and the OBGYN I saw at the ER (to get my Rogham shot) both thought I'd get at least some basic testing done. Especially because I got pretty far into the first tri so the probability of it happening twice in a row is small (like 1%). The OBGYN I saw for my follow-up was the same one I saw after my first loss. She said they don't do testing until after 3 losses. So that was that. She prescribed me oral progesterone and told me to take baby aspirin after I get a BFP. 

After that I asked my family doctor for testing. She sent me for thyroid, glucose, and some other things, which all came back normal. I asked to be referred to a fertility clinic which she did. That doctor said that the oral progesterone doesn't do anything and is basically a placebo. She gave me a stronger dose suppository supplement and a prenatal with a higher dose of folic acid, which is actually 100% covered by my insurance! She said I should do HSG and a endometrium biopsy. I don't know if I will do those tests yet...

In terms of the baby aspirin, I did 23andme and ran my data through promethease. I don't have any of the blood clotting disorders and am not a carrier for any other conditions that would cause this. My LP is a normal length and I don't have spotting during my cycle, which makes me doubt that progesterone is my issue. The only way it could be would be if my body wasn't able to sustain the progesterone production until the placenta takes over. DH read that some woman have that - they can have regular progesterone production during the TWW but can't keep it up into pregnancy. I'm putting my hopes on that and better luck and we're TTCing in our own. DH and I are also both on CoQ10. 

CraftyG

@starla oh wow there are so many things that you’ve said that I didn’t even think of! While I understand the no testing until 3 I don’t think that should be the blanket rule for everyone. Having to wait for 3 before getting answers just seems horrible. Well done to you though for taking charge and saying what you want, your fertility doc sounds really good!

I’m also the same with doubting a progesterone issue, I don’t spot and am pretty regular give or take. I haven’t heard about progesterone slowing down after pregnancy in some women so I’m definitely gonna research that and the 23 and me is such a good idea! I remember hearing about it a while ago but didn’t think anything more of it. Thank you so much for being so open, while part of me hopes that there was no reason for it and it was just a statistical anomaly you’ve given me so much to look into!

starla

@CraftyG I agree; waiting for three losses is so cruel. A few ladies on TB have told me that the rules around this are actually changing and that some doctors are willing to start testing after 2 losses in situations such as mine (I'm almost 35, we've been trying for over a year, I don't have any living children, and I've gotten pretty far into the first tri with my pregnancies).

Let me know if you find out anything about progesterone! I was surprised DH came up with that because I thought I had read everything on the internet (LOL!), but he's a good researcher and I believe him. The 23andme was like $250 I think, but then you can download your raw data. It was $5 to run it again through Promethease.

Thank you for your kind words. Good luck!

Edit: Raw data, not free data.

zamoraspin

I was following along and decided I wanted to weigh-in on y’all’s testing talk. 
For those of you who don’t know me I graduated a couple weeks back. I found out this past Tuesday I was losing my third pregnancy in a row, no living children. I am 35, DH is 34. My first loss was a blighted ovum, dx’d at 8w, second was a CP which ended a couple days shy of 5w, and this one is somewhere in between. All my betas were perfect until this past Monday at 5w5d when we found it had dropped from the week before. I had a d&c yesterday to try to test products of conception.

@starla @CraftyG Although not every dr is up on it, the definition of RPL has shifted to two consecutive losses. I have seen several women come through TTCAL with two losses and have the third pregnancy be totally healthy so far (three of whom are on the June BMB). But they are also younger than me. My thought is you should push for testing any time you want to after two losses, but if you are at or closing in on the dreaded 35+ consider it more seriously. There are some conditions that cause RPL that can be treated or repaired, so to me it makes sense to check for those things to make sure you don’t have another preventable loss.

I’ve seen debate on whether “non clinical” pregnancies count for RPL, ie, CP’s. In my case my RE counts my CP, which was my second loss, and we started doing RPL testing after loss number 2. The results of all my testing have come back normal except slightly low vitamin D and I have the more mild MTHFR mutation. My RE put my on baby aspirin, a higher dose of CoQ10, extra vitamin D, extra folic acid (except I’ve been using extra methyl folate instead), and progesterone suppositories after ovulation. All of that did nothing to prevent me from losing this pregnancy. 

Even though I lost this pregnancy I am still really thankful we went to the RE when we did and did all the testing we did, because I know I was doing everything we could possibly know to do to have a healthy pregnancy. We also are hoping to learn from this pregnancy whether the embryo was aneuploid or euploid, ie, genetically unhealthy or unhealthy. The current assumption, by process of elimination is I am losing unhealthy embryos. If I am losing healthy embryos the options for treatment are different and would involve trying to further suppress my immune system, but tbh I think we would be stabbing in the dark a bit. If we are not producing healthy embryos the solution is either “expectant management” (keep trying until we catch a good embryo) or IVF with PGS testing.

My age has a lot to do with our decisions, including to do testing and if we do end up doing IVF with PGS it will be in large part because we are concerned I don’t have time to waste with expectant management. Eta words

offtoneverland

@zamora_spin ((hugs)) I am so so sorry for your 3rd loss. There are no words. Please take care of yourself and know that we are all here for you. 

kindbytealikat

@zamora_spin I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this again 

CraftyG

@zomora_spin I am so very sorry for your losses. Thank you for your words on this subject, take care of yourself and we’re all here for you.

starla

@zamora_spin I'm so sorry... Thank you for your input on testing. 

quiltandknit

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

Early MC week 5.  

Status:  Just had my hcg level drawn, to be repeated in 48 hours to see which way it trends.  Based on the amount of bleeding and cramps I'm having I'm pretty sure it is a loss.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?  I'm still in shock.  Struggling with feeling so elated for the past week, like I could burst, and then having it all change within an hour or two.  I will probably take a break from TB for a few days at least.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?  Repeat labs on Wednesday.

GTKY: What is your favorite kind of Halloween candy?  I am eating mini cookies and cream candy bars like crazy.  Not drinking so that's the best I can do!

josie12367

@quiltandknit I'm so so sorry for you to be back here....((massive hugs))

offtoneverland

@quiltandknit Awwwww friend. I am so so sorry. That is just the worst. Bleeding is so hard because no one can tell you what's happening until you wait those 48 torturous hours. Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk. Big hugs to you.

spottedginger

@zamora_spin and @quiltandknit I am so, so sorry to see you back here. I know that my word can’t  possibly alleviate your pain, but I am sending you lots of love. 

ChloandCoco

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. 
1st mc on June 5 - dx blighted ovum
2nd mc on August 17 - dx as cp
3rd mc on November 5 - still waiting on results

Status: Benched for at least 2 months

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? It happened very quickly (48 hours) so I am thankful it wasn’t as traumatic as my first mc. I feel really numb right now and a little bit like a failure. DH is having a hard time, he really thought this was the one. 

Any testing coming up/any recent results?  DH and I went for bloodwork today for genetic testing, and I need to go back in 6 weeks for hormonal testing. 
I’m also want to get my uterus checked out for scaring. 

GTKY: What is your favorite kind of Halloween candy? mini kit kat, they just taste better in mini form. 

ChloandCoco

@quiltandknit I’m so sorry you are going through this. Just be kind to yourself and remember that it’s ok to not be ok. 

offtoneverland

@ChloandCoco oh no! This is such a horrible week. I'm so sorry. So many hugs to you. You're right though that it's okay to not be okay. I will be thinking of you as you and YH go through testing and wait for results. 

zamoraspin

@quiltandknit and @ChloandCoco I’m so sorry for your losses.
@ChloandCoco You are not a failure. You are not doing anything to make this happen. I know it’s maddening. I hope you are able to get some answers. 

quiltandknit

@zamora_spin and @ChloandCoco *hugs* to you both also.  

@josie12367 @offtoneverland @spottedginger   Thank you so much for the kind words.  Can't tell you how much I appreciate this board of wonderful ladies!

SmashJam

@ChloandCoco, @quiltandknit @zamora_spin guys to all of you. So sorry to see you back here.

spottedginger

@ChloandCoco I am so sorry. You are not a failure. Sending love. 

stillziggysmom

Hi, ladies. I'm so glad to see this thread, I love it. Just wanted to express my sympathies to all of you other mamas struggling with losses. Your grief is felt, justified, and beautiful in its own right. I saw something today that read, "There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes." After reading the thread I thought I'd share that and remind you that you're not alone in this journey. 

Introduce yourself and anytanythinghing you think is important: 3 early losses, the last in October . 11 months TTC.

Status: Benched this cycle which, thankfully, is nearly over. 

How are things going? Honestly, not too great. I'm in that constant fear zone where I'm terrified I won't get pregnant but terrified that I will since I can't seem to hold onto one, and I see pregnant women everywhere since I'm a SAHM/ WAHM which just triggers a meltdown... oh... and we're potty training my 2 year old... and by "we" I mean "I." OH! And I was told " my doctor that I should gain a little weight to get my BMI somewhere that's more conception-friendly, after I just got down to the weight I wanted so now I'm afraid to go back to working out as much as I used to before this last loss but feel so gross and negative without my regimen. BLAH. Sorry for the unload. Apparently I have lots of feelings. 

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Neg. HPT, which I already knew since I'm Benched from actively trying this cycle, and I don't have that weird 6th sense kicking in like I've had all 4 pregnancies. 

GTKY: What is your favorite kind of Halloween candy? Ummm... a glass of wine? Lol. (Current go-to is 19 Crimes the Uprising... try it, you're welcome).

offtoneverland

@d_marie_23 I'm so sorry for your losses and that you've been in a constant fear zone. Your fear is completely justified though. After having multiple losses it's so easy to be so scared about what will happen next. That's frustrating that your doctor told you to gain some weight too. I'm not a doctor, but I would think that as long as you're at a comfortable weight for your body (i.e. you don't have to work out 3 hours a day while eating minimal calories to maintain it), it should be totally fine. But I'm sorry that it's causing you so much stress and bad feelings. Hopefully you can find a place where you're comfortable about yourself and your body, especially with all that you've been going through these past 11 months. *hugs*

SmashJam

@d_marie_23 so sorry for your losses and your fear. Completely understandable to feel that way, and I know there are many women here (myself included) who often feel the same way! Also, I totally understand the frustration with the workout routine and weight, and finding a good place. This was NOT doctor directed, just something I have been looking into, but I am also considering the possibility that a change in my routine might be needed and that is hard for me, as sticking to my workout schedule really helped me take my mind off TTC. 

starla

@ChloandCoco and @quiltandknit I'm so sorry yo see you back here.