Pregnant after a Loss

What do you say?

TW**We lost our baby girl at 23 weeks last October and I'm 23w4d with our rainbow baby boy. It kills me inside when people ask me "is it your first?". I usually just say yes because I don't want to go into details, but it kills me each time and I feel awful guilty, as if I'm not honoring her memory.  Just wondering if anyone can relate and how you all deal with the pain of that question?

DD angel baby 10/16 <3
Rainbow Due 02/20/18

Re: What do you say?

  • NYTino24NYTino24 member
    edited November 2017
    @alemarie1 First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. For me, it depends on my mood and the situation. I have also struggled with this question and I lost my baby in January around 8 weeks. I am now 37+ weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby. Everyone close to us and my coworkers know about my loss. When strangers ask, about 75% of the time I do say, "Kind of..." and mention it. If they feel uncomfortable, they should learn not to ask. I try not to say, "It's okay!" if they apologize... and say, "Thank you," instead. 
    It's funny how it's the little things in life that mean the most...not where you live, or what you drive, or the price tag on your clothes... There's no dollar sign on a piece of mind, this I've come to know! *ZBB*

    Me: 36 DH 35 
    TTC  9/2016     BFP 12/9/16    EDD 8/21/17    NMC 1/8/16 at 7w6d
    TTC  2/2017  BFP 3/6/17   EDD 11/17/17   DS born 11/25/17 via ECS
    TTC 12/2018   BFP 6/2/19   EDD 2/12/20  NMC / BO at 7 weeks, low progesterone
    TTC 7/2019   BFP 8/21/19 EDD 4/22/20 CP at 5 weeks
    TTC 8/19    IUI #1 w/ Clomid + Ovidrel + progesterone  BFN, IUI 2 and 3 w/ Letrozole + Ovidrel + progesterone,
    IUI 4 Follistim + Ovidrel + progesterone BFP 1/9/20 EDD 9/18/20

    AMA, ITP in pregnancy, vWD type II - low Factor VIII, unexplained RPL and secondary infertility
  • @alemarie1 It is such a tough spot to find yourself in.  My husband and I told very, very few people about our losses, mostly out of self-preservation: personally, I found that whatever anyone said in response to our loss always sounded to wrong to me, and I wasn't in a healthy enough mental state to endure that.  I usually just say "yes" to questions like yours for the same reason - I have anxiety about my current pregnancy as it is, and I need to protect myself and my baby from idiots who don't think before they speak.

    Of course, my losses were both very early on, and I can't imagine how different your experience must have been.  Still, I don't think it's in any way dishonoring your child's memory to take the path of least resistance if it would otherwise be super painful for you.  And like @NYTino24, I 178% agree that "thank you" is better than saying "it's okay" when someone apologizes!
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  • What they are asking and what your hearing/feeling aren't the same thing.  People don't want the long version. It's easier to tell then what they are asking
  • So sorry for your loss. I also lost a girl last October. I was 14 weeks. I am now days away from delivering my rainbow boy. I already have two boys at home, so my questions always consist of “are you going to keep trying for a girl?” Or “another boy?!” Those comments are just as painful for me. If a stranger asks me if it’s my first, I usually say “no” and don’t elaborate. If they keep persisting, I just say “I have a daughter in heaven.” 
  • Thank you everyone for the advice and support

    @jlochba congrats on your rainbow baby. I can  relate to the boy/girl comments as well because I also lost a girl and am expecting a boy. I know people mean well but it still hurts.
     Best of luck to you with your rainbow.

    DD angel baby 10/16 <3
    Rainbow Due 02/20/18

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