What do you say?

alemarie1

Hello,
TW**We lost our baby girl at 23 weeks last October and I'm 23w4d with our rainbow baby boy. It kills me inside when people ask me "is it your first?". I usually just say yes because I don't want to go into details, but it kills me each time and I feel awful guilty, as if I'm not honoring her memory.  Just wondering if anyone can relate and how you all deal with the pain of that question?

NYTino24

@alemarie1 First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. For me, it depends on my mood and the situation. I have also struggled with this question and I lost my baby in January around 8 weeks. I am now 37+ weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby. Everyone close to us and my coworkers know about my loss. When strangers ask, about 75% of the time I do say, "Kind of..." and mention it. If they feel uncomfortable, they should learn not to ask. I try not to say, "It's okay!" if they apologize... and say, "Thank you," instead. 

ashtuesday

@alemarie1 It is such a tough spot to find yourself in.  My husband and I told very, very few people about our losses, mostly out of self-preservation: personally, I found that whatever anyone said in response to our loss always sounded to wrong to me, and I wasn't in a healthy enough mental state to endure that.  I usually just say "yes" to questions like yours for the same reason - I have anxiety about my current pregnancy as it is, and I need to protect myself and my baby from idiots who don't think before they speak.

Of course, my losses were both very early on, and I can't imagine how different your experience must have been.  Still, I don't think it's in any way dishonoring your child's memory to take the path of least resistance if it would otherwise be super painful for you.  And like @NYTino24, I 178% agree that "thank you" is better than saying "it's okay" when someone apologizes!

WeLiveInMaine

What they are asking and what your hearing/feeling aren't the same thing.  People don't want the long version. It's easier to tell then what they are asking

Jlochba

So sorry for your loss. I also lost a girl last October. I was 14 weeks. I am now days away from delivering my rainbow boy. I already have two boys at home, so my questions always consist of “are you going to keep trying for a girl?” Or “another boy?!” Those comments are just as painful for me. If a stranger asks me if it’s my first, I usually say “no” and don’t elaborate. If they keep persisting, I just say “I have a daughter in heaven.” 

alemarie1

Thank you everyone for the advice and support

@jlochba congrats on your rainbow baby. I can  relate to the boy/girl comments as well because I also lost a girl and am expecting a boy. I know people mean well but it still hurts.
 Best of luck to you with your rainbow.