What made you want to TTGP?

ffw0617

I'm interested in everyone's reasons. What made you want to TTGP (their can be more than one answer) was it age, years of marriage, age of other children, any number of other factors? Please share.

ffw0617

*there

krash_

I think we were finally comfortable enough. I am a planner and a realist so I wanted to make sure when we had babies we had a good home to bring them into, financially stable and mentally prepared. We moved Aug '16 for my husbands job(senior role and better salary) but we were living in an apartment that I did not feel comfortable having an infant in. So we saved, bought a house and now were having a baby. 

PatientlyWaiting10

The first time around?  Our very first pregnancy was not planned.  We had been married for about a year and a half maybe and were very surprised to find out we were pregnant! When that ended in miscarriage, I was crushed but it was then I knew I was ready to try again and start our family.  The first miscarriage was followed by another one then our third pregnancy brought our DD.  Our third, fourth, and fifth miscarriages had me thinking we were done but then my husband went on a missions trip to Colombia, SA and I attended a women's event while he was gone and had been praying about whether or not we should try again, pursue adoption, or just be done.  When he returned from his trip, we both talked about it and felt like we should try again, so we did and got pregnant a few months later with DS.  This time is a complete surprise!   

ffw0617

We initially planned to wait 2 years after marriage. If it were up DH we wouldn't have waited at all, but I wanted us to have some time to just enjoy marriage alone. We brought our house while we were engaged so we had a house the year before we got married. Our anniversary is in August so a June baby will still give us 22 months of marriage pre-baby. I was worried about the career implications (bc I don't plan to wait more than 2 years to start trying for baby No.2, assume this is a singleton) but I honestly don't like my job and I don't see me growing here. So if it hurts me or not idc. I'm currently in school part time and I should be transitioning into a new career in about 5 years anyway.

ffw0617

@PatientlyWaiting10 that's a beautiful story. I'm sorry for your losses but your just seeing that you are pregnant now without trying is proof that we don't control these things.

Dashaina

I'm a neurotic planner. I actually always said I never wanted kids or to get married. Then I met my DH and thought.. Hmmm he'd make good babies genetically speaking and emotionally speaking would be an amazing father, role model and family leader. So the year I turned 28 (we were living together at the time as best friends with occasional benefits) I brought it up because he had recently donated sperm to a lesbian couple who lived near us. So I thought well maybe he's interested in having babies he could help raise too. So we talked about it over the year and finally in November of that year decided to start trying in December. We missed that window because of traveling but got it right in January and that was DD1. I knew I wanted to have my kids 2 or 3 years apart at most for my first pair, so I asked if we could try again just as DD1 was reaching her 1st birthday. We tried for 3 months and then finally were successful the month after she turned 1..that was DD2. My MMC was the 3rd pg and we decided to wait until we had the house well underway before trying again after that. So that ended up being this cycle, which worked! It was a very similar DTD situation as DD2 so I'm hoping it will end. In happy and healthy baby. 

ffw0617

@Dashaina wow that's incredibly interesting I've never heard a story like it. Sounds like the beginning of a movie (best friends decide to have a baby). Sounds like my cousin's wife. She never wanted to get married or have kids. She had a condo downtown and 2 seater sports car well into her 30s. LOL. Now she's a suburban mom. 

tepr14

Our first was a surprise and I always wanted to have kids close in age. So we started actively trying in January...which leads us here! 

Its such a different round of emotions this time around. *TW* The first 2 times we got pregnant was early in our relationship and resulted in losses, which made me very nervous during my last pregnancy. *end TW* This time around Im just trying to keep a brighter outlook on life and feeling alot more confident and excited to see our family grow. 

melly204

Our first baby was very much so a surprise, my husband and I wanted to wait until I was out of school to have a baby. My DS turned 1 in July and we wanted to have our babies fairly close together so I stopped taking birth control in September and we got pregnant right away! We are very excited for this new baby and to see how DS will handle a sibling. 

ffw0617

@melly204 is that common? Getting PG right after coming off BC? IDK I've never used BC.

Dashaina

@ffw0617 it's probably should be a movie because it gets better... He has 3 biological children with said Lesbians all from the same mother. The birth years are 10/2009 (ds) , 3/2012 (DD) and 3/2014 (DD) my girls are 10/2010 and 7/2012.  The other kids know my DH as there father and they have been to visit us here once last year, but he saw the older two regularly until we left the states at the end of 2013. He met his youngest daughter for the first time last year when she was 2. We married for simplicity of filing for residency here in 2015. So yeah, it's an interesting story for sure.

melly204

ffw0617 said:

@melly204 is that common? Getting PG right after coming off BC? IDK I've never used BC.

I'm not sure, my mom said she got pregnant right away when she and my dad tried for my brother and I so I think it depends on the person. 

doxiemoxie212

ffw0617 said:

@melly204 is that common? Getting PG right after coming off BC? IDK I've never used BC.

Statistically no 

sabby2

This time around we ttc because I finally felt ready again. DD is 3, she will be an amazing big sister!  I felt awful during my first pregnancy and had a rough time postpartum and BF dd until she was almost 2. After all that I just wanted some time to have my body be my own again.  I wish I would have exercised more and been in much better shape before this pregnancy but it is what it is and I will try to be as healthy as I can for this baby/babies (still can't shake the twins feeling).

FWIW, this time around I got my mirena out and had 1 real cycle before ttc. We were successful on our first try. I feel very blessed that was the situation for us because I know it is not the most common.

meagster13

With DS we started trying right after our wedding. We had been together 7 years at that point and owned our home already. It took us 14 months to get of with him. 
When we met, DH didnt want kids/marriage but changed his mind about marriage after being with me for a while and about kids based on our friends 2 girls. 
This baby is a bit of a surprise. DH wasn't sold on the idea of #2 and I was trying to convince him. He did feel like DS should have a sibling and not too much of age difference. We are both very happy about it now that its happening and feel like our family will be complete. 

izza2

I never wanted kids before meeting H. And even after meeting him, I was still iffy. And then I saw how he was with DSS, and it was like a flip switched, and I could easily imagine us with another LO.

We initially TTGP in August of 2015 because we felt ready, albeit a little unsure.
This time around was for two reasons: we agreed this would be the latest we'd start trying (August '17), because it would've given us an EDD around graduation at the earliest, and also because my BCPs were giving me severe mood swings that were extremely unhealthy and destructive. So that first cycle off BCPs, we NTNP, and then started actively TTGP.

doxiemoxie212

DH wanted to have kids pretty soon after we got married, but he was still in law school, and I don't think he really understood that the examples he had of "law school is a great time to have kids" were in flipped relationships (woman in law school, man working) because I wouldn't still get income for my full maternity (at that point my company's policy was 6 weeks 70% paid and then the rest zilch). So I told him we could start trying the summer we turned 28, and we did. *TW* we got pregnant on our second cycle trying, and then I miscarried *end TW*. He wanted to try again immediately, but I wanted to plan a trip to Amsterdam. So we did that instead. Then we started trying again in May of this year. It took five months this time. 

DH had a weird timeline in his mind. His mom was 26 when she had him, but his dad was 44. Both my parents were in their early 40s when they had me (their first and only child), so 20s seemed REALLY young to me. None of our friends have kids. None are even thinking about it. I think DH likes that his mom is so much younger, though, than his dad, and I don't think he loved that his dad couldn't really play around the way a younger dad could. But his family was so much more financial stable because his dad was older and had been working for so long, saving for so long.

Once DH started working in big law, our finances made a lot more sense to have a kid. And I felt more confident that DH understood everything that would be involved - though I still worry he really has no idea what is coming. I don't think he fully understands the sleep deprivation, how much less time he'll have to watch TV he likes and play videogames. How I may not be able to make his favorite meals anymore if I don't have the energy, etc. That it will make being a work a lot harder for him because he'll be tired, and he'll want to be home with us.

But ultimately, the reasons I knew we had to start trying again this time are:

1. Financially, we have no excuse not to
2. Our parents are almost all in their 70s, so if we don't start having kids soon, our kids won't ever know their grandparents
3. I am an only child, and because of that I know I want more than one kid, and I don't want to have kids back to back, so we need to get this show on the road
4. Sleep deprivation is going to suck at any point in our lives, why not now

ffw0617

@doxiemoxie212 I am a lawyer too, my female classmates that had kids in law school I think was a good idea. The first year is tough and SUPER competitive but after that ranks are pretty standard and those are the grades they use to summer jobs your second year anyway so its really that year that counts the most. I knew 2 girls that had a baby 2L year and got pregnant again 3L and had baby #2 shortly after the bar exam. Worked out great for them. It didn't interrupt their career and they are out of the infant stage. My and DH are kind of opposites when it comes to friends. All his friends have kids and are married. None of my friends are married or have kids (although they want both soon). 

RatParade

I always knew I wanted kids, preferably more than one because I like having a sibling myself.  But my DH was more iffy on the subject.  We got married when I was 20 so I wasn't really concerned with how he felt, I figured we had lots of time.  So I brought the subject up again when I was in my mid 20s and he said he didn't think it was a good idea.  I knew that if I pushed he would give in, but I didn't want that, so I sort of just gave up on the idea of having kids.  He had some legitimate concerns that I understood, and I feel like if one partner doesn't want kids then there shouldn't be kids.  It was pretty tough for me, but I was generally happy and I knew I would still be happy without children.

Then all of a sudden when I turned 30 he was like ok let's have a kid.  Totally blew my mind, but I was thrilled!  He only wants one and at this point I'm totally ok with only having one kid, given that a few years ago I didn't think we'd have any.  The fact that it took us almost 2 years to even get pregnant makes me not want to go through this ttgp stress again anyway.

But some part of me still worries that he only wants a kid because I want one, and I think he picks up on that because he's been reassuring me a lot lately that he's excited and looking forward to this new journey.  It makes me want to cry.  But I also cried while watching a facebook video of people getting surprised with pet dogs so I think some of this is hormones

bkrahn

@Dashaina that's such a cool story! So did your DH know this couple before donating his sperm? 

Love hearing stories like this because DD wouldn't be here if it were not for a man like your husband! 

jsl82

For us is was age.  I'm 35 and have Hashimoto's which can contribute to early menopause (and did for my mother and most of her 5 sisters- so I have family history there too).  We wanted more than 1 (and have talked a lot about having 3), so they were going to have to be close in age. 

Dashaina

@bkrahn omg! I am literally in tears just reading that one sentence of yours. I never really thought about how much it can help someone who otherwise wouldn't be able to experience the joys of children. To answer your question he responded to a Craigslist ad and went over to meet them a month before they wanted to do the donation. They interviewed him, I wasn't present (remember we were just best friends living together w/some benefits lol), but from what he told me after the fact they hit it off and he went back to their house did a deposit in a container in their bathroom and left. He did it twice for all 4 pgs. The 2nd one was an early Mc. We were gone for the winters so they couldn't try again until we got back that spring, it was my understanding she wanted them closer in age. But it all worked out in the end.  

bkrahn

@Dashaina that is so incredible! 

DH & I got married super young (18 & 20) but we had always talked about starting our family pretty quickly. I was still apprenticing in a salon & working towards becoming a fully licensed hairstylist when we got married so we wanted to wait until that happened first before starting to try. 

We tried for a year, and nothing happened. We started seeing a doctor & found out DH had an extremely low sperm count. The doctors thought he would never be able to get me pregnant, even through IVF. So we started working with a fertility clinic and 2 years later we had DD! 

we always said we wanted to have our kids close together in age. So we decided we would start trying again when DD was 1.5 years. We thought we would just go through the clinic again, but then became pregnancy naturally this past spring. *TW* then we lost two pregnancies 3 months apart and somehow that made us want a child even more. *end TW* so here we are! We had 2 units of sperm leftover from conceiving DD, that were frozen at the clinic. And so we thought we'd give it a try and it only took one try! 

kbrown2385

We just felt that we were ready for another. Ds turned 2 in July and I always wanted our kids closer in age. My sister and I are 4 years part so there is definitely a difference, especially when we got older. I don’t want that with my kids. 

Dashaina

@bkrahn Do you know who the donor is? If so/not what is your plan for telling your children? Etc. Like I said in my story... DH knows all of his children and they know him and have developed a sort of uncle like relationship with him.. Because of the distance more than anything else. He has no paternal rights to them, but he and the biological mom had an understanding of wanting the kids to know their father, etc. I don't judge one way or the other with regards to how donor families handle this btw. I'm just interested, since I have never had a convo with another mom in a similar situation. 

bkrahn

@Dashaina we ordered our sperm from an online donor bank, so while we have never met the donor, we know his name, medical history, etc.
We do want to tell our kids eventually, we just aren't sure yet how we will go about doing that. I'd like to casually start planting that seed at a young age, maybe saying something like "mommy and daddy wanted a baby SO badly, but daddy didn't have the right seeds, so they met a seed man and he gave them one of his..etc" and then eventually as they get older, adjust the story to suit their understanding better. We did choose an "open donor," so she would have the option of contacting the donor if she'd choose to do so after she turned of age. 

Dashaina

@bkrahn That is such a fantastic idea about the seed story!! You should totally look for a book on it, I feel like I've seen one somewhere in the past few years. That is also really great that you chose an open donor.  I think it's so important to be able to know ones history.  I'm a really big fan of family trees, like really far back family trees.  And that's great that you have given her the opportunity to choose.    I'm teary reading your story too!  

meagster13

@bkrahn my sister is looking at using donor sperm atm and ive been going to her appts for support. The last one they were talking about a line of books for every situation (single mom, hetero parents, gay parents) that helped explain the donor. I will ask if she knows the series name  
@Dashaina your/your husbands story is amazing!! 

Dashaina

@meagster13 Thanks girl! Yeah sometimes I can hardly believe it myself and I live it!

bkrahn

@Dashaina aw thanks girl! I really love our story too but yes, I agree! At first we were hesitant, but then I put myself in her shoes and knew we needed to allow her that if she were to choose to want to know more about her history. 

@meagster13 yes, please do ask! thank you! Before we had our first insemination, our clinic made us see a therapist to talk through any concerns we might've had about choosing  a sperm donor vs having kids naturally. She gave us some resources to take home.. one of them was a website where we could make a personalized "sperm donor" children's book for DD with all of her information in it. She said it would be a great way to introduce her to her life story by reading it to her. I just can't remember what that website was! I'll have to do some googleing 

meagster13

@bkrahn my sister hasn't replied but I'm pretty positive this is the book https://www.dcnetwork.org/products/product/our-story-sperm-donation-heterosexual-couples

oneblessedmess

Our first baby was a surprise. We bought our first home in September and intended to start trying the January after that (new year, new chapter, and all that). Then we found out in November we were expecting. No planning whatsoever!

This time around we were more organized lol, my daughter turned 2 in July and I thought a 3-ish year age gap sounded good. My husband had been wanting another baby probably since DD turned one, he was just waiting on me! So here we are.

bkrahn

@meagster13 yes! I think this is the one we were shown too! Thanks

dinodna3

Hurricane Irma gave us this little one.