Social Media and Little Ones

babybison

We all know some family and friends get a little over zealous on social media, and maybe we could benefit from a discussion of nice (or not so nice) ways to protect the privacy of our little ones. 

babybison

I'm generally super private with photos and personal information, and I don't have any social media, so I don't know how to even go about keeping that stuff protected.

shellac835

I was thinking about that this morning after a conversation with a friend last night. My Mom posts on FB constantly and it drives me crazy. I had to tell her numerous times to not post after we told her we were pregnant, and I'm sure she'll want to post immediately when the baby comes. I rarely post, but will probably post something a week after his arrival, and don't want her sharing anything before then. So I guess I have to have that conversation    I don't mind if she shares the news individually with relatives and friends, I just don't want this mass posting out there. I know she's just excited and I want to acknowledge that, but also want this done the way I prefer.

kyrwyn

Our friends have a solution for pictures of their daughter and FB that I really like. They made a secret group and anyone they know who wants to see pictures of P can ask in. They post their kid pictures there, and grandparents, etc, are welcome to post there too, but they ask that people don't post pictures on open threads or posts.  Their family is dispersed across the US, and so it gives them the benefit of social media's visibility to one another, without social media's visibility to everyone all the time.

flowerpower5838

@babybison Other than locking down your own social privacy settings, there is really no way to prevent your parents/siblings/friends from sharing pictures of your LO on their own social channels. I would definitely have a conversation with people that will be receiving pictures via text or likely in a position to take their own about your expectations of privacy and that that extends to your LO. 

Amber_Waves

DH and I were just talking about this last night. I definitely have friends that post a lot about their kids on Facebook, which I don't think we should do (DH & I) because we both have lots of Facebook friends that are work contacts and not necessarily people that we want to know all about our kid. We'll probably set up a shared, private instagram account to share photos of the kid with family.  Or maybe use TinyBeans. And MAYBE 1 photo a month on Facebook.
The hard part will be getting MIL to reign herself in on Facebook. She has 2 grandkids already and is always posting, sharing, and re-sharing photos of them. This is okay with those kids' parents, but I don't think it will be okay with us (also, we live an hour from MIL and the cousins live overseas, so she'll have near-constant access to our kid, not just twice-yearly.) 

failuretofly

This is a constant battle with my mom. I am having to remind her over and over again to scale back the # of pictures of DS she shares. It's frustrating because I share him mostly on Snapchat, where it's only close friends and family, and she screenshots off there and posts to FB. I tell her not to but it's like her need for attention overshadows my boundaries. She is very narcissistic and sometimes i wonder if I should share anything with her at all. 
I guess my post isn't that helpful, but just know like @flowerpower5838 said, you can draw all the boundaries in the world, but if you give them pictures, they will always have ability to share them, whether you like it or not. 

skc040512

With DD, I told my family they weren't allowed to post to social media until I did, once she was born. My sister pestered me about it, but everyone did as we asked. Since then, I *maybe* post 1 picture a week (probably closer to every other week at the most). My Instagram account is on the highest privacy settings, and I have my Facebook set to where you can't share my posts, can't see my posts unless we are friends (I actually know all my FB friends, amazingly enough), and I have to approve anything I'm tagged in or is posted to my wall. It was a pain to dig through and find all the privacy settings, but it really allows me more control, which is worth it.

whiska

@failuretofly I'm sorry your mom doesn't respect your boundaries.  It does seem like an experiment where you cut her off is in order.  Maybe then she'll get the message?

Because of IF and our loss I haven't said a word on social media about the pregnancy.  I really don't want to cause someone any pain inadvertently, the way that my feed seemed to become a baby explosion when I was going through some of the hardest times of my life.  So because of this we'll continue with it when LO is here.  One birth announcement and that's it, and I'll probably include something about our history.  I'm not sure what to do about my MIL.  Part of me doesn't care if she shares pics of our child because our friends circles do not overlap, and I don't see her being an oversharer.  We'll just have to ask her not to tag us.

I love the private group idea but only about half of our family are on facebook.  I'll probably just be texting photos, and feel very lucky that no one in our families would just up and upload one of our photos to their own facebook pages.

This reminds me of a UO I'll post tomorrow

elcd458

Thankfully our super paranoid overprotectiveish BIL having the first grandchild really taught DH's parents that they had to have our consent to post anything about a child on social media and have done a good job of sticking to it. Other sib-in-laws post a lot more of their kiddos and apparently allow the other (not DH's parents) set of grandparents to post constantly under the condition that they not ever use the children's names in the post.  

What I don't understand and certainly would never do is this whole alarming trend of putting your child's full name into a hashtag on every picture you post of him or her! Like hey, creepy strangers, here's my kids full name so you can trick them into thinking that you know them!

skc040512

@elcd458 that, and then checking in every. freaking. place. you. go. 

Amber_Waves

failuretofly That would make me SO FURIOUS.

whiska We made an announcement of the pregnancy that acknowledged our loss and sent sympathy to our friends and loved ones who have struggled with loss and/or infertility and that has been our ONLY mention of it on facebook. 

Recently, though, my MIL has started commenting about baby/pregnancy under ANYTHING I post on my page.  Like, I posted a short video of my dog being cute and she somehow made it about me being pregnant.   I've been a bit unsure about how to handle it.  My instinct is to delete her comments, but I'm sure that would turn into a whole huge drama if she ever noticed.

edit:  the grammars.

mdcd44127

@elcd458 @Skcobb I have a friend who does these things, it's alarming to me how much she overshares. I know every move she & her DS make all day, every day. *shudder*

I have kept very quiet on social media about this pregnancy because of a few family members with severe mental health issues (DH is off social media completely because of them). I've had my privacy locked down for a long time because of them, but having a baby is really raising the stakes.

I created a friends-list on FB of people who are allowed to know, and all baby-related posts are filtered to that group only. I also turned off commenting on my wall and limited "who can see posts you've been tagged in on your timeline" to that filter (since there always seem to be a few friends & family members who don't understand/respect the "please keep this quiet" etiquette, just like @Amber_Waves talked about). Luckily my mom is very aware of our need for privacy and wouldn't repost anything I send her, but grandparents & other relatives are another story. 

I created a Tinybeans account and will probably add family members once the baby is born, I just want to play around with it a little more, make sure the security features are reliable.

Tennis11785

I don't really know how we'll handle SM for the baby.  I'm much more social media friendly than my husband is (he never uses it).  He didn't even want to post about the pregnancy on Facebook.  Of course...then my mom did so it's out there (which I don't mind, but I wish I had been the one to share the news).  

Because we don't have family close by, and we have different levels of tech-friendliness in our family, I haven't settled on a platform. 

• I don't really like texts (because I hate it when others included me in group texts that result in a zillion messages I don't really care to see).  
• Not everyone has a FB account, and we have some adults who do but don't even log in or use it. 
• Email might work, but can be clunky.  Also, my MIL doesn't have an email address (but my FIL could show it to her off his email).  
• With people not using the obvious platforms, I hate giving them something new to learn such as TinyBean.  

Part of me is tempted to say, FB is easiest for me and be done with it.  And then create a private/locked down account with the baby's name and post things there.  Or create a private group that I can share stuff in.  

lavashiner

@Tennis11785 I like Tinybeans because there is nothing for them to learn--it just sends an email and they don't need the app or to visit the site ever. My DH's Great Grandma is able to use it, as are his great aunts. They're all in their 80s. They are also highly motivated by cute pics of DD.

balletnerd

I seem to be in the minority in this group but I’m not too worried about sharing photos on social media. I won’t mind if friends or family post photos etc. I WILL care if people post about the birth before I do though. I would like to announce it our way. I’ve seen people say yay my daughters in labor etc... or share photos before the parents do. No. let me notify social media when I’m ready.

SoxGirl982

With DD1, MIL posted around 40 pictures on facebook within 12 hours of her birth. Two of them had my boob/nipple in them. At this point, DH had only posted 1 picture and I hadn't posted anything. I looked like a hot mess in all of them since I hadn't slept or showered in over 48 hours. And DH's crazy aunt likes to share EVERYTHING that anyone posts on facebook (we have since changed our privacy settings). My parents are fairly respectful and generally ask about posting things althought I have had to ask my mom once or twice to please ask before posting some things. I post a good amount of pictures of DD now but I have serious lockdown on who can see them.

This time around, we have kept the entire pregnancy off of social media due to a number of reasons. I have already told DH that if the grandparents want to post ANYTHING this time around, they need to ask us first and only pictures that we have taken and already posted to social media are allowed. I was hysterical after seeing all the pictures that MIL posted to Facebook before I had the chance to post even one and I don't want to deal with that again. 

wabash15

@ballentnerd internet stranger danger for kids is something to be concerned about. Many photos have geotags and folks can follow your kids or even steal their pictures and pass them off as their own. Also once posted those photos don't go away and as an adult  your children may not appreciate things we have chose to post. I see mom's post photos all the time of their sick kids, naked photos, embarrassing situations. It takes a bare minimum of personal information and or location information for someone to cyber stalk you these days. (I have a friend who is WAY to good at it, if 10-15 min she can find your address, phone number, where you work etc). just some food for thought.

balletnerd

@wabash15 thanks for the info. I am aware of all of this but it is good info for people who aren’t aware. I have privacy restrictions etc. I’m not saying I want to post nude shots all over publicly or post where I’m at. I am certainly going to be cautious of things that could be potentially embarrassing in the future. (DH’s cousin posted photo of sons genitals wtf?!?) But I don’t have the same level of concern about it as others seem to. If my MIL wants to share a photo that’s fine with me. It just isn’t super high on my concern list. 

elcd458

I watch way too much Catfish and it makes me uneasy about how a some creepazoid might use a photo(s) of LO.  That being said, I will likely still post although with minimal other information and mega ultra privacy lockdown!

But yeah. I will seriously judge anyone who posts a pic of their kid with like, a street sign in the background, and #FIRSTNAMEMIDDLENAME #WELOVENAMEOFDAYCARE #BLESSED

eazybreezy225

@balletnerd
That is super creepy your DHs cousin did that. He can be criminally charged for child pornography and exploitation. Some people are so naive and ignorant to that sort of thing.. which is really sad because it has such a dangerous and lasting impact.

dilbert890

I asked people not to post photos of my wedding. My SIL was the only one who did. Her and I aren't on speaking terms, but she'll be the hero aunt that will want to post all kinds of photos. The struggle is real 

Marley629

I am guilty of posting a ton of pictures of DS1 but have never posted a naked photo, bath photo or boasted about his potty adventures. I have made sure my location services are off and I don't post where we are while we are there...I'm also pretty careful about making sure even the town I'm posting from isn't posted but of course there is room for error. It's just the easiest way for my family to stay connected as we have a huge family and they are spread throughout.  It's definitely a hard decision to make - my SIL is the opposite and you wouldn't know she had two kids by her SM accounts. It's def a personal decision. 

MJDsquared

@balletnerd I'm kind of in the same camp as you. I did purge my FB friends list of any people I didn't know recently and then switched it to private. I also made my Instagram private, which it never was before. Still need to go through and block anyone following me who I don't know. I won't post naked pictures or full name and definitely not where they go to daycare, etc.

I just hope nobody here posts pictures of their kid's first pee or poop in the potty, because that is disgusting. And yes, I can think of at least one person in my news feed who did it. Gross.

elvenchick92686

Im with @elcd458 and watch way to much catfish that i Am really iffy on SM for baby. I do plan on doing weekly updates About baby,sometimes with pictures, for those that are out of the state but i have made it very clear that there is no sharing or posting about birth before we do. I have booted off numerous amounts of SO family off my fb for the comments and crap they post/share. His mom has even said they stalk my page and call her to see if she has seen this or that off my page so i am sure it will be a battle. SO doesn't want his family to have any alone time with the baby so the only pictures they will get is those that we share to our pages. All my stuff is locked down as well. 

eazybreezy225

I'm pretty lucky when it comes to grandparents and social media.
My mom lives off the grid and isn't on any SM. Her version of "sharing" is via a text message through a cell phone she and her husband share, and she's such a private person that she wouldn't without my consent.
My MIL loves to share, and she has a HUGE social circle. But she is super respectful of my boundaries and never posts anything unless I give her the OK.
As far as my personal preferences go, I might share a picture of my kids maybe once a month at most. And I'm very selective. My privacy settings are on high which I routinely check.
I never "check in" regardless of what the picture is, and I never hashtag information.

kln62689

I am glad I have you all to do the heavy lifting in thinking through this for me.  I am very lucky that my parents are technologically challenged and are basically limited to liking things on Instagram, and DH's parents are far away and also generally technologically challenged.  They comment on everything on FB, but they know well enough that we are very limited in what we share and therefore will be limited themselves with our gentle 'please don't put anything on fb' reminder when we tell them the baby has arrived.  

I am more active than my husband on SM, and really only Instagram. I think it will be pretty natural for us to just keep privacy tight and keep the volume low. The challenge for us is likely to be the opposite, documenting our kids life offline.  DH got me a GoPro a few months ago.  I typically keep it with me, but I seldom remember to use it, and I still haven't figured out a simple and logical storage solution.  I am going to have to push myself on that, and on things like professional photos. I worry about being deficient on that sort of thing because my mom was never really into that kind of thing and I am a bit naturally unsentimental like her. I just hope that will come with those maternal instincts that I am still waiting to kick in.

cait5413

I have to chime in with the Tinybeans recommendation-- @lavashiner
 is right, it doesn't require them to learn anything because it will email them the photos. Very helpful for family. 

My Instagram is private and I share photos of DD there more often than FB (though my security settings are also pretty high on FB). 

We haven't had too many issues with oversharing. Some friends have posted pics of DD, but mostly at birthday parties and things. Nothing excessive or embarrassing or that I felt I needed to shut down. DH's parents are not active on social media, and my mom uses FB mostly to play Mafia Wars and other games, not to share photos, so we haven't had too many issues. 

skc040512

@kln62689 you will be shocked at how easy it is to keep up with documenting your LO. I went from (honestly) not being able to find my camera app half the time to having over 4k pictures/videos of my DD, who is 18 months old. I really only post pics on SM occasionally, but I love having a ton of memories for me.

Tip: download Google photos if you haven't already. Unlimited photo/video cloud storage if you have a gmail account. It's an absolute life saver if your phone dies

tmk0325

In terms of social media. I maybe post pictures on my facebook once a month (usually a monthly update photo) since we have a lot of family and friends on there. However, mine is on strict lock down that only people I'm friends with can see my photos. For the grandmas and my friends that want to see more photos, I use Instagram and have a private account and do not use hashtags if at all any on my photos.  That way only people I"m friends with can see photos and I don't bombard everyone on facebook.   
I'm very thankful that neither of our extended families are oversharers on facebook.  That would drive me nuts.  
Also, when posting photos in here, you may want to use the Watermark app, to protect your photo.  Once our babies are born, I know people usually post a birth announcement and I honestly feel a little more exposed posting in here, since anyone can view the posts!